Search found 142 matches

by ljordan
Sat Dec 22, 2012 4:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Weltpolitik
Replies: 7
Views: 557

Re: Weltpolitik

The thread of this interested me. Ros' read in light of a glossing by Bren. How interesting that the subject can be viewed so close to a line that teeters between horror and outrage, depending on the reader's sensibilities. This reminds me of an extraordinary essay by Annie Dillard tiltled The Wreck...
by ljordan
Fri Dec 14, 2012 3:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Ground Zero
Replies: 11
Views: 922

Re: Ground Zero

Brian, I know this isn't quite what you want to hear, but the grenade in the opening I still think is a bit much. I think it works as the title. The Grenade. The present title alludes to the World Trade episode. For me the opening is best served by simply "when we kissed she slipped / across my tong...
by ljordan
Fri Dec 14, 2012 3:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Kind of Close
Replies: 22
Views: 1823

Re: Kind of Close

Tried to reduce the ambiguity of the syntax in that line without touching the blurs, which would mingle, I hope for the reader, without saying.Thanks for the notes and comments and Suzanne, late is merely thoughtful.
by ljordan
Thu Dec 13, 2012 4:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Kind of Close
Replies: 22
Views: 1823

Re: Kind of Close

Brian, would it work if: 'Their breaths mingled in little puffs' ? And Seth, that is my least favorite line, although the manic sense works to flesh the sense of uncertainty underpinning the narrative. Not sure what to do about that...
by ljordan
Wed Dec 12, 2012 2:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: End of Part One
Replies: 14
Views: 935

Re: End of Part One

Brian, I am warming to the idea of the 'bleach' (disparaging remarks elsewhere). But am still unsold about the heels. Could the nuisance of the birds be triggering the memory of a voice that husks corn?
by ljordan
Wed Dec 12, 2012 2:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Nativity
Replies: 25
Views: 1491

Re: Nativity

Another reason for not changing it, although the double image form of Geoff's is good, would be the context of the poem. The Bethlehem side is so well known and full of the reader's own views that separating it disentangles the way the reader engages the poem and links in his/her mind the dual circu...
by ljordan
Wed Dec 12, 2012 2:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Kind of Close
Replies: 22
Views: 1823

Re: Kind of Close

Thanks for the great notes. Made some changes. Brian's right about 'clued' and Ray about 'through'. Geoff's right about the metrical flow, but I like its stretch against the 'foreshadowing' line. Again, thanks Mic and mac. Really useful stuff!
by ljordan
Wed Dec 12, 2012 3:14 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Kind of Close
Replies: 22
Views: 1823

Kind of Close

Kind of Close Kind of beautiful , she said, struck by the illuminated edge, glowing through the grip of a cloud. From a leaf’s shape he surmised the kind of trees nearby. Speculation excited the day. Their breaths puffed little blurs, the kind of sign that providence makes. He squeezed her hand at e...
by ljordan
Wed Dec 12, 2012 3:11 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Nativity
Replies: 25
Views: 1491

Re: Nativity

For me it works. The device is not self-conscious or over self-reflexive. The disjunction is appropriate and somewhat reflects Pound's idea of subject rhymes. The 'who' should confuse, otherwise the whole thing becomes a bit linear and frankly risks cliche.
by ljordan
Tue Oct 09, 2012 9:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Numbers station (revised, after only three years...)
Replies: 13
Views: 2062

Re: Numbers station

Ian, as usual a daring experiment. I wandered around on the internet pursuing various presentations of ‘number stations’ including some remarkable pieces on You Tube. Subsequent to my first read and discovery of the phenomenon (thank you very much, I’ll not ever sleep again) I read as if sorting out...
by ljordan
Tue Oct 02, 2012 12:42 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A nosebleed in the Mausoleum of Galla Placidia
Replies: 16
Views: 1366

Re: A nosebleed in the Mausoleum of Galla Placidia

The image is ripe with E.M. Forster and the torch is perfect. I agree with others that the wreath is a cast away to keep the form's symmetry. And the form seems a mask for two sentences in prose, exceptional nonetheless.
by ljordan
Tue Oct 02, 2012 12:11 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Space-Time PointsV2
Replies: 15
Views: 890

Re: Space-Time Points

Lots to ponder here. I stumbled at 'thin reality'. Hard to give it the nature of 'almost' or 'sort of'. It's like pregnant. However, the implication is important to the proposition. Not sure about 'peg' as fitting for 'intrinsic' as it has a purpose. Perhaps an object like a stone or the painting "J...
by ljordan
Mon Oct 01, 2012 11:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Muse in Feathers
Replies: 5
Views: 691

Re: Muse in Feathers

Ray, Seth and Ple... your notes have been most helpful. I think their were too many directions this poem tried to go and hopefully, I've narrowed that focus and brightened some.

thanks
by ljordan
Fri Sep 28, 2012 12:16 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Outtakes
Replies: 11
Views: 727

Re: Outtakes

MJ, I've been reading this, spending some time tugging at its cuffs. If we are to engage the poem as individual 'outakes' I would suggest getting rid of the pronouns. They do not really have any antecedents that create meaning and take away from the value worth of the image. (Except for the floorboa...
by ljordan
Fri Sep 28, 2012 12:01 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: On staring at rubber dinosaurs the day Lovell died
Replies: 2
Views: 278

Re: On staring at rubber dinosaurs the day Lovell died

Wonderful dance of images that effectively live up to the title. The fourth stanza is weak following the roller-coaster of the exceptional third. It seems to be trying to relate something dear to the narrator which the poem isn't really letting happen. The fifth seems to unwind the tension into some...
by ljordan
Thu Sep 27, 2012 11:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Lustration
Replies: 30
Views: 1503

Re: Lustration

I too like the image of the calf, but not sure it wouldn't deflate the ambiguous referencing of lustration. I can see how as a title it might strike an odd cord, but the subject is there in the poem and referencing the more benign element of the word/ceremony, I think is important. What if the image...
by ljordan
Thu Sep 27, 2012 11:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Window
Replies: 2
Views: 413

The Window

The view outback turned orange and I watched it pale under a glow that was peeking through the trees. The crescent posed and took a bow above the ridges aligned with violet, picked brilliantly from the canon. My wrists ached. I’d leaned too far. Can you blame me? The shifting blues under gobs of umb...
by ljordan
Wed Sep 26, 2012 9:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Singing Fish (v2)
Replies: 30
Views: 1902

Re: The Singing Fish

I think I am reacting to the almost nursery way the line gets our attention. However, now that the firt line is gone and I read it aloud, there is a certain charm it casts to the poem's proposition. The sense that it is "cute" is ameliorated by the last line. Don't do anything hasty.

larry
by ljordan
Wed Sep 26, 2012 9:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Lustration
Replies: 30
Views: 1503

Re: Lustration

I'm wondering if the effect of the 'newborn' as a simile in the first line works to redirect the image towards what I think is the political referencing of the title away from the baptismal allusion? Without a suggestion, I'm also unsure what value this comment has. Maybe something directly denoting...
by ljordan
Wed Sep 26, 2012 8:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Another and Another (V2)
Replies: 7
Views: 463

Re: Another and Another

Not sure I can buy the idea that time tip-toes in the manner presented here. I think it's a terrific image if the poem could keep it in some auditory context. Perhaps more with "soft" and the "door." The poem makes me wonder about direction as an attribute of time? That's a good thing, the wondering...
by ljordan
Wed Sep 26, 2012 8:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Panorama #2, Gerhard Richter
Replies: 3
Views: 360

Re: Panorama #2, Gerhard Richter

I think ekphrasis is one of the few excuses we have to be purely descriptive. I've been obsessed for years with the nude/staircase image, but had to lookup Richter's Emma. I think what you did here is quite successful, even more so after seeing how Richter treated the image. Those steps have the imp...
by ljordan
Wed Sep 26, 2012 2:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Muse in Feathers
Replies: 5
Views: 691

Muse in Feathers

(V3) Muse in Feathers Trapped between two figures of time, as if I was staked from date to date, to take rubbings off chiseled slabs: my mother’s mother and faintly hers. A crow interjected some penitent pause. My crayon jumped the edge of a groove and glossed the murmurings of a priest; his echo of...
by ljordan
Wed Sep 26, 2012 2:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Dark Ages
Replies: 5
Views: 410

Re: The Dark Ages

Any nod to Sergio Leone and you have my full attention!
by ljordan
Sun Sep 23, 2012 9:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Singing Fish (v2)
Replies: 30
Views: 1902

Re: The Singing Fish

I would omit the editorial first line and the 'two bees' bit. I'd nix anything not in the scope of the poem's proposition. The title drew me in.

larry
by ljordan
Sun Sep 23, 2012 9:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Relic
Replies: 8
Views: 672

Re: Relic

Too wordy for my taste. It's hard to get through without something of a "hook." There's nothing new about things that change and the sentiment of that change is not really illustrated, but rather simply stated. Sorry, but I think it needs a lot of cutting to find the gems buried there.

larry