Search found 142 matches

by ljordan
Wed Mar 13, 2013 4:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: in the mist
Replies: 10
Views: 952

Re: in the mist

I'm stealing it. OG, you opened the poem, unclotted it. What ever lurked in the conflicting intents has moved on and is rustling up some nightmares for some other work. Extraordinary revision. I would have resisted the linear thread, but here it serves to point at the "partly seen" that Seth mention...
by ljordan
Tue Mar 12, 2013 2:04 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Lines
Replies: 8
Views: 630

Re: Lines

LIke the last S, but only the last. The other is descriptive and not your usual sharpness. The last makes me think and prompts me to argue that roads might count more, up close -- which of course isn't really up. Is it where or from we go, or the manner in which we went?

interesting stuff here.
by ljordan
Tue Mar 12, 2013 1:43 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: ephemeral
Replies: 9
Views: 756

Re: ephemeral

I hear this flipped:
Sorry for the meddling, but it seems to me to be hinged around that image of voice without breath;

Cool flames
reignite me and I’ll
be forced, again,
to wonder at the cries
around me and a voice
that has no breath.
The unborn day
awaits me; its gentle
stirring wakes me.
by ljordan
Tue Mar 12, 2013 1:32 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: in the mist
Replies: 10
Views: 952

Re: in the mist

Thanks for these notes. You've rocked me out of its grip. Mixed is right. I was beginning to get mired in allusions to the Argo myth, hence Ls 5,6, but the references don't work with the images that have been haunting this. This may have to be slaughtered like a calf if any hope of a resurrection. l...
by ljordan
Sat Mar 09, 2013 3:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: in the mist
Replies: 10
Views: 952

in the mist

In The Mist (rev) Leaning over the rail this far from shore he stared until that blank greyness offered proof of its drifting shapes. Every mist has a girl, her hair in streams; he could make out cheeks and brows enough to recall cafes and gin. As she held a ring in her finger tips a rustle of feath...
by ljordan
Sat Mar 09, 2013 3:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Snapshot
Replies: 18
Views: 1639

Re: Snapshot

Delightful, can't add to the notes.
by ljordan
Sat Mar 09, 2013 3:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: On Brighton Beach
Replies: 14
Views: 1170

Re: On Brighton Beach

Wonderful. The film's connection to something more personal is sharp and works for this reader. Something to consider: replace L11 with last sentence of poem, and end poem in the 10thS at: "and how the ice-cream hits [the] sand[.]" Accentuates the duality...

nicely done,

larry
by ljordan
Thu Jan 24, 2013 7:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: After the Gale
Replies: 6
Views: 821

Re: After the Gale

Like this. Should willows be singular? it is in an instant the robin is in view and one can't saw through more than one fallen tree at a time. Also the line -- Better for a human too, threw me out of the poem. I don't have a good suggestion; it can't be nixed as it's not inferred and the idea is int...
by ljordan
Fri Jan 18, 2013 4:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A broken window
Replies: 14
Views: 813

Re: A broken window

David, love the slanted narrative. The haunting at the end with the kind of conjecture our nervousness relies on is quite appropriate. I stumbled on the syntax of line 7, but suspect that's due to my american ear.

Quite a read!
by ljordan
Fri Jan 18, 2013 4:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Zenith
Replies: 7
Views: 727

Re: Zenith

Thank you Mac. I like your read, approximates my own and yes there are too many 'ofs' in last quatrain. It barely distracts, but obviously enough...
by ljordan
Wed Jan 16, 2013 1:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Zenith
Replies: 7
Views: 727

Re: Zenith

Thanks for the notes. Changing 'day' in first line to 'time'. Summer may have to go if moving the reader away from the 'one last' inference.
by ljordan
Wed Jan 16, 2013 2:11 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Strobe
Replies: 9
Views: 536

Re: Strobe

I Like the idea if it follows the title, but wonder: 1. Who is you? If the reader is the subject of the narrator’s described experience, what’s happening to the reader, if anything at all? 2. The first six lines seem fairly concrete descriptions, then “fist roads into a ball” I like the idea that ro...
by ljordan
Sun Jan 13, 2013 1:07 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Zenith
Replies: 7
Views: 727

Zenith

A time comes for one last look; the day pinching off its filament. He plans a fire, carrying stones from the shore, leaving ruts and furrows to disappear. Perhaps five dancing girls with castanets, or a band of drummers and steel guitars prescribed the pit he’s made with a circle of the heavy stones...
by ljordan
Sat Jan 12, 2013 10:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Shifting villages
Replies: 15
Views: 881

Re: Shifting villages

Nash, I excised what for me was not integral to the salient moments. This is not a recommended cutting, rather a way to focus on what might be being said; asking is there more to add or something to omit. Really love the idea and the language of the last two sections. Perhaps those last two parts co...
by ljordan
Sun Jan 06, 2013 8:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Barnum and Bailey
Replies: 14
Views: 790

Re: Barnum and Bailey

My reading of this found its core to be ‘teetering’ The references to Barnum and Mickey are a mismatch and send this reader off course. Playing with it yielded this: (Apologies for meddling) Under the Big Top After threatening me with murder, she’s poking to prove she cares I’m here. Alive. On Earth...
by ljordan
Sun Jan 06, 2013 2:18 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Oyster
Replies: 21
Views: 1427

Re: Oyster

Richard, I've been following this and haven't much to add. I'm not sure form is really the issue needing attention. Brian and Jane mention the need for something for the reader to take-away other than a different view of oysters and I think it's there towards the end of version 4. BTW I think the so...
by ljordan
Sun Jan 06, 2013 2:10 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: In a Corner of the Mind
Replies: 11
Views: 1154

Re: In a Corner of the Mind

Ros, Richard and Jane, thanks for the notes. Richard, not sure if comments directed at original or revision, but that's my fault for not putting it where it belongs. Jane, I live in South Carolina, grew up in San Francisco. The internet has made that inconsequential. I kind of like it that the poem ...
by ljordan
Sun Jan 06, 2013 1:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Play (was "Running by the Willow")
Replies: 24
Views: 1380

Re: Running by the willow

Seth, I too am drawn to this, its simple yet extraordinary moment. I find myself reading this in various ways to find some of the sense lurking in the syntax that isn’t quite making it too the surface and I think it’s something simple like tense. What happens to the poem if the first sentence is pas...
by ljordan
Sat Jan 05, 2013 6:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: In a Corner of the Mind
Replies: 11
Views: 1154

Re: In a Corner of the Mind

Brian thanks and I agree with nixing the first art. Suzanne, thanks and the title’s got to change. Mac, your notes are terrific and Geoff, I’m probably obsessed with aspects of meditation and like most of us, writing the same poem over and over. Ray, again thanks for starting this off. I think these...
by ljordan
Thu Jan 03, 2013 9:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: In a Corner of the Mind
Replies: 11
Views: 1154

Re: In a Corner of the Mind

Thanks Ray. I was working the bell sounds made by bouys as a kind atificial way for the narrator to construct his/her own way to spur a memory. Our memories seem triggered by often random links and this N was trying to not leave it to chance.

Glad it haunts.
by ljordan
Thu Jan 03, 2013 8:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Devotions
Replies: 23
Views: 1214

Re: Devotions

This is where my reading took me: 1. What world moves in Morrisons, is it THE world or her world and isn’t her world different than every one elses? For me it is, I like her world, not sure I want others to be able to access it. 2. Why would you not leave a nunnery and head straight for gin and hamb...
by ljordan
Thu Jan 03, 2013 3:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Correspondence (revision)
Replies: 14
Views: 1541

Re: Correspondence (revision)

The sounds are lovely, a pleasant mix. But it seems to pose the problem of when making the metrical sounds come out right we might miss or aggravate some sense. The last line for instance is stretched to meet pentameter needs, but in doing do so infers a strange redundancy with cloud and word. I fee...
by ljordan
Tue Jan 01, 2013 11:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: In a Corner of the Mind
Replies: 11
Views: 1154

In a Corner of the Mind

Picking a scab breaks the silence. A cry wells up, rims are breached, but once past a shudder, a chorus begins. Rubbing at my temple, I say hmmm; still alive, a knell off its flange, an adagio of ripe old moments when we were hand in hand. I devise a key to wind it again, daub what’s tender, bend ba...
by ljordan
Sat Dec 22, 2012 6:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Weltpolitik
Replies: 7
Views: 553

Re: Weltpolitik

I think your "take-away" is on point. What attracts me to the article is its mechanism for getting the reader to engage. We are not finally interested in what Dillard believes, but in how we construct our own beliefs in the context of values towards life, sacred or not, meaningful or not. I think wh...
by ljordan
Sat Dec 22, 2012 5:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Wards
Replies: 11
Views: 695

Re: Wards

The sounds are wonderful as are many of the images. I had trouble with S1 as the names evoke people, not places as inferred. I acquiesced finally to the reference of students. However that image doesn't settle with the alluded dementia and age implied?