Search found 142 matches

by ljordan
Tue May 08, 2012 1:09 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Critic
Replies: 13
Views: 1317

Re: The Critic

Thanks Arian and Shadwell for the notes. This revision won't work for some, but may keep the reader engaged with the subject...
by ljordan
Sat May 05, 2012 5:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Critic
Replies: 13
Views: 1317

Re: The Critic

Thanks for such notes. I am still conflicted by this one as the sense of it fails to get through. It's one of those cases where something has stuck in the gears and won't let go. I'm worried now that clarity may in fact drain the blood from it and I'll just have to start anew.

larry
by ljordan
Sat May 05, 2012 5:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The move from London to Wales, 1978
Replies: 29
Views: 1752

Re: The move from London to Wales, 1978

M. I think the change to small mountains works to shift the attention to the slope and resolves my comment from elsewhere. I liked the original ending with the hyphen because it pointed to the title and inferred much of the experience of such a move. There may be some issues with time as the jump is...
by ljordan
Wed May 02, 2012 1:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Looking After You -revised
Replies: 12
Views: 703

Re: Looking After You

The second half of the poem beginning with "I'm looking after you" reads quite linear, narratively. The first part attempts to go somewhere else. The "we're taking aim" line proposes another presence with the narrator, but then disappears. Not sure I can resolve cycles that jump from monthly to epoc...
by ljordan
Wed May 02, 2012 12:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Critic
Replies: 13
Views: 1317

Re: The Critic

Ian, it seems the illustration of the critic's ego falls into that pit of obfuscation. Thanks for the note.
by ljordan
Mon Apr 30, 2012 4:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Critic
Replies: 13
Views: 1317

The Critic

Revision After the curtain and two deep sighs he clambers into the aisles. Such a tiresome charade of a worn out plot, he’s polishing his latest similes. He can’t wait to flay the skin of a scene expose the wires of the backdrop’s moon, the weak ribs of a soliloquy. This review will add new rungs t...
by ljordan
Sat Apr 28, 2012 3:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: In May, mornings come quicker -edit
Replies: 19
Views: 1235

Re: As night grows shorter, morning comes quicker

S., In the first stanza, the conflict of being 'at attention' and 'at ease' doesn't seem to add anything. What if you nixed 'at attention' in the first line? It strengthens the 'stand'...

larry
by ljordan
Sat Apr 28, 2012 1:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Off and On
Replies: 1
Views: 414

Off and On

Off and On Humming fills the room when a toggle’s on. An element of time is tricked when off awakes the buzz from its boredom. The allusion is bright with nothing foregone. It’s a moment of switching with a simple flick, letting a hum fill the room, anxious it’s on. Much like the quandary of gin or ...
by ljordan
Tue Apr 24, 2012 5:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Evolutionarily oblique
Replies: 18
Views: 1195

Re: Evolutionarily oblique

Ditto everyone about the title. Could 'tidal shackles' be simply replaced with 'tides'? Not sure all the thick words are necessary. The hint of 'far too human eyes' serves the poem, gives it an address for this reader. In line three, 'those' refers back to flint backs since eyes were not previously ...
by ljordan
Tue Apr 24, 2012 4:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Old Suffolk barn
Replies: 11
Views: 859

Re: Old Suffolk barn

This seems to have a bit of trouble elevating itself from just description. What about the old barn could be interesting to the reader? What if something had happened there?

larry
by ljordan
Tue Apr 24, 2012 4:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I cannot bear to tell anyone about this
Replies: 7
Views: 673

Re: I cannot bear to tell anyone about this

I stumble here.
Has that distracted you?


My reading assesses the narrator with being distracted? Maybe it detracts from the reason(s) "I cannot bear to tell anyone about this"

not sure...

larry
by ljordan
Tue Apr 24, 2012 4:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sewer
Replies: 14
Views: 876

Re: Sewer

The sound works for me too. The meter has blend and merge without overdoing the count of feet until it sounds like a march. I'm not convinced by cloacal conduit, it's a bit like saying hollow pipe. Lastly, I stumbled at the idea, as did Ros, that the sewers traverse in a 'wrong' direction. I think I...
by ljordan
Sat Apr 21, 2012 12:32 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spring of Words
Replies: 8
Views: 600

Re: Spring of Words

I kind of like the opening line, infers much in the way the poem can be read as unsettled. Agree, the fourth line might go. A bit of bump here as the grammar implies an unresolved conjunction? I must play; and even when I’ve nothing wise to say by way of truth or better love or the day’s epiphany. L...
by ljordan
Sat Apr 21, 2012 12:21 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Fountain
Replies: 15
Views: 1183

Re: The Fountain

What great notes. Wonderful and much to chew. Been thinking that the "smoke" may change to "furl from the page" Brian's point about direction does risk a misdirection, as do the notes about rouge. I was looking for the redundancy to underline the simplicity of the subject, but it's not working. May ...
by ljordan
Fri Apr 20, 2012 1:56 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Fountain
Replies: 15
Views: 1183

The Fountain

The Fountain She lived in three small rooms. Her knick-knacks cast a silence wrapped in what should have hummed. Her rouge was red, her hair combed; she sat alone, ate lasagna, drank wine. I once carved her name in a tree that died. I doodle these stairways and spirals, coils of smoke that tunnel o...
by ljordan
Sun Apr 15, 2012 7:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Vapours
Replies: 14
Views: 912

Re: The Vapours

I too enjoy the sound of reading this aloud. Sorry to simply reiterate what's been said but the hiss and edifice don't quite work. I think for me the problem is edifice and not the whisper hiss, though it may be a bit overdone. The problem with edifice is its sense and image that don't quite jive wi...
by ljordan
Sun Apr 15, 2012 7:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Mercaptan Halos (Rev 1)
Replies: 20
Views: 1155

Re: Mercaptan Halos (Rev 1)

Not sure this works for this reader. The language has elements that lure us to follow, but alas take us no where. The opening has strength of image that I would love to see peeled in the way a poem can go back into itself rather than further down the road as if a plot was forming. As I read, I wonde...