Search found 142 matches

by ljordan
Tue Jul 24, 2012 12:53 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Up Michigan Avenue (revised)
Replies: 11
Views: 1012

Re: Up Michigan Avenue (revised)

Thanks Mic and David. Glad it's working.
by ljordan
Tue Jul 24, 2012 12:51 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Learning the Subliminal
Replies: 19
Views: 1190

Re: Learning the Subliminal

wondering why the poem wishes to hide what it may or may not be about? For me it reads as a narrative of young girl looking for the right song for the phonograph with a lot of mechanical description to allude to the 'player'. The conclusion doesn't resolve for me what 'worries' engage her thoughts? ...
by ljordan
Fri Jul 20, 2012 2:57 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Up Michigan Avenue (revised)
Replies: 11
Views: 1012

Re: Up Michigan Avenue (revised)

Thanks again for the notes.

A revision.

larry
by ljordan
Fri Jul 20, 2012 2:50 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: November's tale
Replies: 18
Views: 1131

Re: November's tale

I found myself trying to remember other 'list' poems that operated similarly, but can't think of them at the moment, which might reveal my own deficit of attention. The opening is almost a palindrome of sorts and lends to the mystery that the words spread like crumbs on the way to... Trying to smoot...
by ljordan
Fri Jul 20, 2012 2:34 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Travelling market
Replies: 17
Views: 1001

Re: Travelling market

Second Ray's suggestion re last line. I find some of the adjectives to be weak. Fragrant for one and pathetic seems wrong in light of the seduction.

larry
by ljordan
Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:11 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: 2012 (updated) (again)
Replies: 35
Views: 1929

Re: 2012 (updated) (again)

Ros, really like how and what this is becoming. The tumble-drier and its drum are perfect and rattle the whole drunk thing at the conclusion. L3 is the weakest. It seems to call for something more aggresive than "jumbled water-stained", a verb with more clout, more rollicking as the sack of coconuts...
by ljordan
Sun Jun 17, 2012 1:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Swan
Replies: 5
Views: 511

Re: Swan

Couple of notes: Not sure the metaphor of kamikaze works. Insects aren't suicidal. The line: unnoticed beauty is a lost echo is a bit empty, (to my ear) trying hard; it sounds poetic, but says little. Lastly, the end is either parenthetic to the previous sentence or a question, lacking its mark? Non...
by ljordan
Sun Jun 17, 2012 12:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Up Michigan Avenue (revised)
Replies: 11
Views: 1012

Re: Up Michigan Avenue

Thank you, Seth and Mic for the notes. You both maybe right about the clang at the end. This piece comes from an external experience, downtown in Chicago and there's too much of that in my head and not in the poem...One problem maybe the abruptness of the end needing something of the awe to linger.....
by ljordan
Sat Jun 16, 2012 1:08 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Under the Sign of Scorpio
Replies: 6
Views: 1266

Re: Under the Sign of Scorpio

now i'm really lost. The italicized entry states that the Scorpion is the correct name, named after a ship. It is Fritz who says the name is "Ferry Inn"???
by ljordan
Sat Jun 16, 2012 1:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Hero of Gallipoli
Replies: 6
Views: 452

Re: The Hero of Gallipoli

Seth, I think my note is a bit gin-soaked. I was lost about who is who. I think the presence of the narrator in the midst of his soliloquy attaches the reader to the narrator without much reward. The poem is addressed to Shadrach for the purpose of telling about Jack, but I'm not sure there is anyth...
by ljordan
Sat Jun 16, 2012 12:46 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Up Michigan Avenue (revised)
Replies: 11
Views: 1012

Up Michigan Avenue (revised)

(revision) Up Michigan Avenue Not this turn, but down Oak Street according to the map of a day recalling faces in and out of awning shade. Spoons clink in their cups without conclusion or amen. I forget where I was going, losing the tether to origin. The windows follow me: manikins with earphones, b...
by ljordan
Fri Jun 15, 2012 3:06 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Hero of Gallipoli
Replies: 6
Views: 452

Re: The Hero of Gallipoli

This reads like a part of something more. I am lost in its inferencing that loops back on itself. In section 7, the subject raises his hand to shush the crowd which in the previous sentence already grew quiet. Not sure how the subject would feel 'deigned' by shushing the crowd? I like the cadence an...
by ljordan
Fri Jun 15, 2012 2:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Agua Potable
Replies: 19
Views: 1226

Re: Agua Potable

This works to my ear. Quite the way of presentation by illuminating the missing. A fine piece of disjunctive work, operates like an echo. The title doesn't do much for me, but...

larry
by ljordan
Fri Jun 15, 2012 2:49 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Under the Sign of Scorpio
Replies: 6
Views: 1266

Re: Under the Sign of Scorpio

In the opening paragraph, the second instance of 'hotel', should it be preceded by 'a' rather than 'an''? Not sure how mentioning Fritz's misread has anything to do with what's going on for the narrator? Probably missing something.

larry
by ljordan
Fri May 25, 2012 2:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Helena Augusta
Replies: 15
Views: 1465

Re: Helena Augusta

prefer the original with references that make me want to engage the poem. The loss of the mother and something the narrator cares about leaves the poem on bric-a-brac as fragments of disputed passion? Sounds like a yawning filibuster...

larry
by ljordan
Fri May 25, 2012 2:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Split-Brain and Orange
Replies: 10
Views: 657

Re: Day of the Sperry Patient

First read immersed me in a brew of how memory was working for this narrator, then I too went searching to pin down the references. My reading took me away from the poem. Not sure how one would observe a person and perceive the condition. I once read a biography on Walter Freeman, the man behind lob...
by ljordan
Wed May 16, 2012 1:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Boot camp for grief
Replies: 12
Views: 895

Re: On departure

Curious how this works. I find myself adding and subtracting, wanting to change things like 'breathe out' to sigh. I think I become engaged in the choices made as context for the subject of departure. It seems that when reading, images of doors swinging, closing, opening fill the background. However...
by ljordan
Wed May 16, 2012 1:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Landscape with distant prospect
Replies: 14
Views: 977

Re: Landscape with distant prospect

I, too, think the sounds here provoke a mythical sense. The conclusion is dreamy. I think it could use some trimming of modifiers, there's a rambling to my ear that seems contrary to most of the pacing, but that may be taste.

larry
by ljordan
Wed May 16, 2012 1:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flint and Hides
Replies: 8
Views: 720

Re: Flint and Hides

a kind of sadness seeps through the portrayal of mentor and the mentored. In first Section the narrator's telling us "I listen" and there's no particular reason or consequence as there is later. Especially here: I feel my mouth water, but don't tell you. I think you could lose it and open on 'when' ...
by ljordan
Wed May 16, 2012 12:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Along the Way
Replies: 7
Views: 726

Re: Along the Way

Some changes per notes, thanks Suzanne and Peter. The choppiness was a bit too much and faulty verb choice.

larry
by ljordan
Sun May 13, 2012 7:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Along the Way
Replies: 7
Views: 726

Along the Way

Along the Way(revision) Off the trail, waist deep in fields, at a hitchhiker’s pace, I dally enough to catch the drifting spores, discovering the lens of a scope’s focus on the ridges someone said they’d last seen God. Light dances a recital of time in acts of dawn, blooming buds that welcome bees. ...
by ljordan
Sun May 13, 2012 1:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Edgelands
Replies: 10
Views: 634

Re: Edgelands

Like the images, but not sure they go any place interesting enough to warrant the thick language. The sounds are a almost 'look-at-me' and there is more here for that kind of fluff...?
by ljordan
Sun May 13, 2012 1:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A mobile for Katie
Replies: 8
Views: 657

Re: A mobile for Katie

I like the way this works, keeping the sentiment in check. One thought: in L10 after putting up the mobile, which is hung above 'it', referring to the cot. Might want to change to 'you' and avoid the shift of attention?
by ljordan
Sun May 13, 2012 12:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Poor Poem
Replies: 21
Views: 1265

Re: Poor Poem

The title change steers this reader to its metaphorical pose. Previously, I was adrift. Not sure the conclusion is satisfying, being less about poems and more about their construct. Implies a kind of self referential catharsis that I think drowns poetry in its own juices.
by ljordan
Tue May 08, 2012 1:16 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Corner shop cocktails
Replies: 15
Views: 1159

Re: Corner shop cocktails

Have to add my voice as one who likes this. I second the note about replacing "them" in L4 with 'him', and might add a hyphen to "magic-woman"?

Quite a read,

larry