Search found 219 matches

by penguin
Wed Oct 08, 2014 7:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Downstream (was Crossing)
Replies: 10
Views: 1211

Re: Downstream (was Crossing)

Quite different poems, aren't they? In content as much as form. Version 2 Downstream At each meander I brave the rocks, all memory lost to previous turns, - maybe of rather than to ? each stretch a fresh amnesia, alluvial plain. - the last two words are unnecessary, I think. The sea-door swings beyo...
by penguin
Tue Oct 07, 2014 4:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: On falling asleep after you
Replies: 16
Views: 1897

Re: On falling asleep after you

I like bits of it, couplets 4,7 and 8 are to my liking. I'm telling myself that's because they aren't trying too hard to be poetic, but it's probably not that at all. Anyhow, it's much more interesting to say what you don't like or understand - my Venezuelan angel, with her long wooden face long nec...
by penguin
Tue Oct 07, 2014 4:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Brrr
Replies: 7
Views: 928

Brrr

unrecognised
late autumn face
auburn shades to
steely grey as
light shifts the mist
lifts a shiver
from the mirror
by penguin
Thu Jul 17, 2014 8:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: This poem goes places that it shouldn’t have gone
Replies: 26
Views: 2299

Re: This poem goes places that it shouldn’t have gone

Thanks, Ian. You're right about the tense. I knew there was something wrong with it. Anyway, I've promoted it to the title and made some minor changes.
by penguin
Wed Jul 16, 2014 3:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: This poem goes places that it shouldn’t have gone
Replies: 26
Views: 2299

Re: Adopting At Our Age

I think the jazz references are central to the poem....have I said that already? elph Thanks, Elphin. You did say that already, for which I am very grateful. David - on the day the difference between the ensemble and the dance band was obvious. The ensemble looked like it had been thrown together i...
by penguin
Tue Jul 15, 2014 2:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: This poem goes places that it shouldn’t have gone
Replies: 26
Views: 2299

Re: Adopting At Our Age

If the poem was born in the manner/ circumstances I describe . . . To me, this returns to my earlier question about why you were writing the poem. IMHO, I can see including the beginning you have now, if the poem was written to work through personal issues for yourself. However, we give poems we wr...
by penguin
Tue Jul 15, 2014 10:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: This poem goes places that it shouldn’t have gone
Replies: 26
Views: 2299

Re: Adopting At Our Age

Jackie - no, a catalyst isn't really a reason. There's so many reasons, though! Peter - thanks. "Me, I do think the recursive aspect of the beginning tends to weaken the piece. There's no need for it, and it only serves to highlight the fact that the rest of it, which is always good, and at times am...
by penguin
Mon Jul 14, 2014 11:45 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: This poem goes places that it shouldn’t have gone
Replies: 26
Views: 2299

Re: Adopting At Our Age

. . .at the moment it all seems necessary. We are adopting these kids, by the way, barring something unexpected. I suspect the link between these two sentences is telling, Ray. I wonder whether you'd say that the main reason you wrote this was to develop another poem to publish, or whether it was t...
by penguin
Thu Jul 10, 2014 5:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: This poem goes places that it shouldn’t have gone
Replies: 26
Views: 2299

Re: Adopting At Our Age - revised

Thanks David, Ian, Derek. Appreciate the comments. Yeah, on reflection I see it's a fairly lengthy preamble. Still, there's relevance in it and I wouldn't want to shorten it apart perhaps the first 4 lines could be pared. "Returning to this as I do think it is very powerful. I see others have recomm...
by penguin
Tue Jul 08, 2014 12:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: This poem goes places that it shouldn’t have gone
Replies: 26
Views: 2299

Re: Adopting At Our Age

Thanks, Ros. So that's a few not happy with the opening line. Hmm. Patronising is not exactly the right word, but in that area. I may well feel a lot of emotion at the scene I described. But I certainly don't want to be part of the blubfests, which have prevailed since Princess Diana died, so it see...
by penguin
Mon Jul 07, 2014 7:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: This poem goes places that it shouldn’t have gone
Replies: 26
Views: 2299

Re: Adopting At Our Age

Thanks all. Elphin. The opening line was originally the title, but I can see the value in placing it at the end. Maybe. Jackie - have to start somewhere, set a scene somewhere. Do you mean 4 lines is too long? The Down's child isn't ours, by the way. We've got the Fatal Alcohol. Seth - yeah, you're ...
by penguin
Fri Jul 04, 2014 10:35 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: This poem goes places that it shouldn’t have gone
Replies: 26
Views: 2299

This poem goes places that it shouldn’t have gone

in the beer tent listening to a jazz ensemble who came on after the jazz dance band and are suffering by comparison. I’m figuring out the difference between flute solos and close harmonies, thrown together and tightly knit, being here for themselves or the audience. I’m with two of my grown-up daugh...
by penguin
Thu May 01, 2014 8:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Secret Society
Replies: 11
Views: 1317

Re: Secret Society

I found the poem, and the society, quite sinister. Somewhere between With God on our Side, the SAS and Mussolini keeping the trains running on time. And last week I read that the US is not a democracy but an oligarchy, according to research. Is it just me?
by penguin
Wed Apr 30, 2014 1:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Safety Net
Replies: 13
Views: 1011

Re: Safety Net

Thanks, Bee and belated thanks to Kev. Missed your post. I expect to be hearing of riots at King's Norton Common some time soon.
by penguin
Wed Apr 30, 2014 12:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ruby Duchess
Replies: 11
Views: 1261

Re: Ruby Duchess

Hello Bee. Interesting poem, I enjoyed the rhymes, mostly. Does the title cohere with the poem? Ruby, at least, seems arbitrary. far away from my Slaughterhouse door, - I'm puzzled as to why Slaughterhouse is capitalised. before/thought is a nice rhyme. If they’re a pig it’s a kick but the kings all...
by penguin
Fri Apr 11, 2014 11:33 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Breath dissolves in time
Replies: 8
Views: 573

Re: Breath dissolves in time

i see what you mean, but ezra pound said something to the effect of - once you've said what you need to, STOP. Which didn't stop him making hundreds of radio broadcasts in support of Mussolini and fascism during World War 2. yeah not sure what relevance his broadcasts are. Well, just as I wouldn't ...
by penguin
Wed Apr 09, 2014 7:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Breath dissolves in time
Replies: 8
Views: 573

Re: Breath dissolves in time

clemonz wrote:i see what you mean, but ezra pound said something to the effect of - once you've said what you need to, STOP.
Which didn't stop him making hundreds of radio broadcasts in support of Mussolini and fascism during World War 2.
by penguin
Wed Apr 09, 2014 7:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Kitchen Garden (Inspectors in my Garden revised)
Replies: 25
Views: 2283

Re: Inspectors in my Garden

Nice poem. nursery-curtained - don't know what you mean by that.

two weavers, beaks afar,
in a crowd of ten chattering on a wire,

That confuses me - two weavers in a crowd of ten weavers?
by penguin
Wed Apr 09, 2014 7:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Safety Net
Replies: 13
Views: 1011

Re: Safety Net

Thanks, Cynwulf, Seth. It's quite an ambivalent feeling when someone credits you with more knowledge/intelligence than you have. There should be a phrase to describe it, like damned with faint praise, only different. Perhaps there is.
by penguin
Wed Apr 09, 2014 7:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Renovation (revision)
Replies: 13
Views: 916

Re: Renovation

Under elbows and knees: - Don't think you need the colon. You might reverse the order of the lines our modest dreams. Having ditched the dank beige carpet, sanded off the blackened surface, - enjoyed carpet/surface now all that’s needed is a lick of gloss - I'd omit now , reads smoother to bring ou...
by penguin
Wed Apr 09, 2014 6:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Garden of the Old Croft
Replies: 13
Views: 868

Re: Garden of the Old Croft

I thought it was a "relationship poem" but I could be wrong. Last 2 verses are interesting, sin does seem a strong word, if I'm reading it right.

weed out and prune the lemon balm, - do you need out?
by penguin
Wed Apr 09, 2014 6:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Adjustment Disorder
Replies: 3
Views: 366

Re: Adjustment Disorder

Thanks for the comments, Seth and Richard. I had actually considered both your suggestions before. I'll do something with it along those lines. The jabs were meant to be injections.
by penguin
Mon Apr 07, 2014 7:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: not to be phased :D
Replies: 7
Views: 551

Re: not to be phased :D

clemonz wrote:Still living

I am still living but
what feelings have not gone?
A cig I left to burn upon
the step,


Great up to there but the cut wrist is a bit obvious after that.
by penguin
Mon Apr 07, 2014 7:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Call of Nature (revision2)
Replies: 17
Views: 1445

Re: Call of Nature (revision2)

I don't think it's one of your better poems, but at least you got the worst bit in early - a ladder snakes her scarlet tights, from knee to hem and hem to knee it gathers me. The rhythm is awry, I'd prefer this a ladder snakes her scarlet tights, from knee to hem and hem to knee and you're being gat...
by penguin
Mon Apr 07, 2014 6:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Safety Net
Replies: 13
Views: 1011

Re: Safety Net

Brilliant pun in "welfare estate". (I thought "leaning to learn" might just be a convoluted typo for "learning to lean", but it's not, is it? This is the reference to students, I imagine.) I think lines 1-6 are great, and work rhythmically, and - like the others - think also that the poem would wor...