Search found 219 matches

by penguin
Thu Oct 20, 2016 10:00 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Buoyancy (formally titled Dysania)
Replies: 11
Views: 1506

Re: Dysania

I think cultivated comfort was better than fashioned. You won't want to hear this, but I think the balloons are the problem. It's just not that great an analogy, balloons breaking their string/people getting out of bed. But I guess you'll persist with it, in which case Like two balloons on delicate ...
by penguin
Wed Oct 19, 2016 3:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Visitor
Replies: 7
Views: 1126

Re: The Visitor

I like it too. The ending reminds me of something else. Is the grey store a specific shop. Here's my, er, differently punctuated version He's here again like a perfect season, strict in its turning. From which to which, though? I suspect autumn to winter: a fatter coat, an eking of slightness; a jac...
by penguin
Wed Oct 19, 2016 3:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Dublin Dawn (was Dublin Morning, revision)
Replies: 9
Views: 1092

Re: Dublin Morning

Lovely. I like it a lot. Few might start the 5th line instead of ending the 4th.

as it does diurnally - does that need to be stated?
by penguin
Wed Oct 19, 2016 1:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: JOINING UP THE iDiOTS
Replies: 27
Views: 2979

Re: JOINING UP THE iDiOTS

I feel we're being a bit harsh on the narrator. She isn't voicing her feelings to the pizza lad (who sounds quite happy), she's just being annoyed in the quiet of her own living room. Anyone being irritated at interruptions to something they are concentrating on would feel likewise, wouldn't they? ...
by penguin
Wed Oct 19, 2016 12:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: JOINING UP THE iDiOTS
Replies: 27
Views: 2979

Re: JOINING UP THE iDiOTS

Depends what you mean by simple. Great works, surely, have something about them that means when you come back to them you discover something more, whether emotional, or meaning, etc. So something may appear on the surface pretty simple but in fact have more about it. Yes, I've heard that argument b...
by penguin
Wed Oct 19, 2016 10:34 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: JOINING UP THE iDiOTS
Replies: 27
Views: 2979

Re: JOINING UP THE iDiOTS

Thanks again, Pen, The Shakespeare film extract was from Mel Gibson's Hamlet. I dunno about your distinction between 'a higher level of art' and a 'more complex level of art'. A work might be complex but not very good. It must be obvious that some works of art are richer, more involving, more profo...
by penguin
Wed Oct 19, 2016 9:38 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Buoyancy (formally titled Dysania)
Replies: 11
Views: 1506

Re: Dysania

Dysania, there's a name for it then, My teenage daughter will be pleased. I enjoyed it. I'm not wholly taken by the balloon thing at the end, though, and I'd suggest a slightly different line break here

But the cats are starting up,
demanding their breakfast, and they
will not die down.
by penguin
Wed Oct 19, 2016 9:32 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: If You Cannot Bring Good News
Replies: 9
Views: 1202

Re: How did it feel?

Thanks, JJ. You're very kind. Too kind. The first 3 stanzas are ok but the rest need a lot of work.
by penguin
Wed Oct 19, 2016 9:27 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Last Minutes (3rd version)
Replies: 12
Views: 1112

Re: Last Minutes

I really can't tell if this concerns the dying of a person or some kind of machine. It's overwritten at times, especially the 2nd verse. Broken lungs and sorry breaths sit idly by as the air no longer drives through me on turbine wings. - unless you are speaking of a machine on turbine wings seems u...
by penguin
Wed Oct 19, 2016 9:09 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: JOINING UP THE iDiOTS
Replies: 27
Views: 2979

Re: JOINING UP THE iDiOTS

Thanks Pen, I watched a Harvard lecture on telly the other day and the Prof showed his students an extract from Shakespeare and from The Simpsons and asked them which they preferred. Most of them voted for The Simpsons. Then he asked them which they thought was the higher level of art, and they sai...
by penguin
Tue Oct 18, 2016 3:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: JOINING UP THE iDiOTS
Replies: 27
Views: 2979

Re: JOINING UP THE iDiOTS

I hope Jo is not condemned as a snob. Anyone who has acquired specialised knowledge which raises their artistic taste over the rest of us is liable to be accused of snobbism. Or snobbery, even. It's perhaps the belief that specialised knowledge necessarily raises their artistic taste over the rest ...
by penguin
Tue Oct 18, 2016 3:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hurricane - Revision V
Replies: 30
Views: 4134

Re: Hurricane - Revision III

I pictured windows blowing out, the house lifting and we would spiral upward like a bird house. You speak as if it were typical of a bird house to spiral upwards. Somehow, I doubt it. Among the debris of siding and trees Hibiscus blossoms seen in the yard and I thought of petals strewn on a bed. Not...
by penguin
Tue Oct 18, 2016 2:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Message from the Tower (revision 2)
Replies: 14
Views: 1584

Re: Message from the Tower (revision 2)

Nice rhymes and rhythm. Funny too. The weather is changing, the drinks cost a bomb, the crowds are a menace, it won't be too long, before our room calls us away from the pack to sit by the telly to plan our attack. - I'm not quite getting this, called back to our room to plan an attack? “Three peopl...
by penguin
Tue Oct 18, 2016 2:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Ascent to Samuel Bamford (revision 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 1474

Re: Ascent to Samuel Bamford (revised)

I like the poem, apart from the passage about donner meat - I can't fathom what that's doing in there.

The people’s obelisk
points a pauper's accusation - nice couple of lines

I think you could do without perplexed in the last line. We see that anyway.
by penguin
Tue Oct 18, 2016 12:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: If You Cannot Bring Good News
Replies: 9
Views: 1202

If You Cannot Bring Good News

Revision How did it feel? Like I was manufactured, of a kind, a forgery from the start, insubstantial as a spark that flew from the grindstone. Like something was happening just across the bay. I searched my skin for a spot to hammer a nail in. A tongue hung out in a desert. It wasn’t welcome but a ...
by penguin
Tue Dec 01, 2015 1:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: People Who Like This
Replies: 4
Views: 600

Re: People Who Like This

I went in the shop today. The sign has been removed and they've sold out of Paracetamol.
by penguin
Tue Dec 01, 2015 1:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Making Ourselves Look Ridiculous
Replies: 3
Views: 639

Re: Making Ourselves Look Ridiculous

Thanks, chaps. It's a stupid, terrible poem. I know it, Ray Miller knows it and is working on a revision that'll rhyme Althia and Donna with wealthier and wanner.
by penguin
Tue Nov 24, 2015 5:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: People Who Like This
Replies: 4
Views: 600

People Who Like This

In front of
the Paracetamol
and more exotic
analgesics
at my local Co-op
is a sign that says
Razors and Blades
available
at the kiosk
by penguin
Mon Nov 23, 2015 1:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Making Ourselves Look Ridiculous
Replies: 3
Views: 639

Making Ourselves Look Ridiculous

Always be yourself, you said, and not like someone else instead. Forgetting the empty spaces a self can hold within, handing him the key to a door without a house. At 8 years old he asked the barber to cut his hair like Gary Charles, an undistinguished full back with long sideboards. How we laughed ...
by penguin
Mon Nov 23, 2015 12:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Zeitgeist and Islam
Replies: 8
Views: 1301

Re: Zeitgeist

fledging or fledgling?
the rhythm seems to cry out for before at the very end.
the grass is slipping into a gully?
by penguin
Mon Nov 23, 2015 12:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Namenkhetamun
Replies: 8
Views: 1063

Re: Namenkhetamun

Enjoyed it, though I'm puzzled at a few points. named daughter of Amunkhau in hieroglyphs that march across your lid - I'd have thought you need some punctuation at the end of this line. Full stop? but that’s not who you are, being a man, and middle aged with teeth decayed and arthritis stabbing at ...
by penguin
Thu Nov 19, 2015 11:38 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Ladies Prefer Blondes (Maligned Marilyn, Edits)
Replies: 9
Views: 1162

Re: Maligned Marilyn

her squinty eyes cavorted on the strips
because her fans were often full of doubt. - I'm struggling to make sense of that still. because implies a connection between the two lines and I don't see it.
by penguin
Thu Nov 19, 2015 11:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Barry Island
Replies: 13
Views: 1465

Re: Barry Island

Thanks, Ross. I think I agree about the Muslims line. I don't think coyness suits the gist of the poem.
by penguin
Thu Nov 19, 2015 11:28 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Metempsychosis
Replies: 5
Views: 720

Re: Metempsychosis

Enjoyed. Lovely opening to lines.
Wouldn't snake trails do?
I'd prefer accustomed to inured.
There seems no need for again in the penultimate line.
by penguin
Wed Nov 18, 2015 4:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: operetta
Replies: 9
Views: 1033

Re: operetta

properer/opera - that's what I call a rhyme. shorter/laughter - well, it doesn't, does it?