Search found 219 matches

by penguin
Mon May 24, 2010 1:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Fade out
Replies: 5
Views: 404

Re: Fade out

Would a nagging drizzle fondle? Seems quite the wrong word to me. "I enjoy the luxury to loiter with my beliefs," It would be simpler to say "I luxuriate in my beliefs" I think you should omit verbal before opulence, that would make the last 3 lines rather splendid. You might consider trimming the 2...
by penguin
Mon May 24, 2010 1:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Language of Her Eyes
Replies: 16
Views: 1131

Re: The Language of Her Eyes

Four. Followed by a cough.
by penguin
Mon May 24, 2010 11:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Defending Pandora -revised
Replies: 14
Views: 852

Re: Defending Pandora

Thanks for all the helpful and interesting comments. I'll post a revision. Nobody mentions the last line, it's meant to be a nod at Guns Don't Kill People Rappers Do. Is my line clumsy, rubbish, has no one heard of the original line, or none of the above? Or all of the above, even! The jar became kn...
by penguin
Sun May 23, 2010 3:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Summer sun and I am an Englishman
Replies: 8
Views: 596

Re: Summer sun and I am an Englishman

It is rather hot, is it not? I enjoyed the in fashionable postcodes verse and the last couplet. I'm being sniffy here, but does one carry ice cream cones? Carrying seems to lend some weight to the object being held and the ice creams in this part of the world are notoriously light. So I believe hold...
by penguin
Sun May 23, 2010 3:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Language of Her Eyes
Replies: 16
Views: 1131

Re: The Language of Her Eyes

There are a lot of commas and semi-colons, don't you think? I think you could usefully remove almost every one.I presume you intended "weakened mind" but, after some reflection, "weekend mind" is rather a fabulous phrase, don't you think? "perpetual twilight across ambiguous orbs", that sounds rathe...
by penguin
Fri May 21, 2010 11:03 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Defending Pandora -revised
Replies: 14
Views: 852

Defending Pandora -revised

Revised version So it was a jar and not a box and left to stand around unlocked. Opportunity knocked, and they accuse her of what? Allowing every ill to spill out of the cracks, and that's the rap that they stick her with, I know it's only a myth still they ought to check the facts. The case is some...
by penguin
Tue Mar 16, 2010 7:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Fish
Replies: 8
Views: 852

Fish

Give a man a fish
and you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish,
supply him with the tackle

and he'll sell it on e-bay.
by penguin
Sat Mar 06, 2010 4:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Stuffed
Replies: 10
Views: 690

Re: Stuffed

Thank you very much, John. In hindsight, I see that the title is awful. It is a bit surreal and so needed a more grounded title, one pointing in a particular direction.
by penguin
Sat Mar 06, 2010 4:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: not wearing my
Replies: 4
Views: 475

Re: not wearing my

Hello John - it felt a long wait for the punchline, sometimes entertaining, often bewildering. You've evidently a purpose in ending lines with he and the and a but it seems a bit odd. The drugs are having an effect, surely? I think the opening verse is fairly impenetrable, but it becomes a more comp...
by penguin
Tue Mar 02, 2010 2:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Stuffed
Replies: 10
Views: 690

Re: Stuffed

Hello anniecat and thanks for your response. To explain the middle verse: at the suspicion of certain kinds of mental deterioration one of the things the men in stethoscopes check is our understanding of proverbs.A failure to comprehend their meaning is called concrete thinking and sets ones future ...
by penguin
Mon Mar 01, 2010 2:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: pensive firmament
Replies: 7
Views: 495

Re: pensive firmament

Hello arunansu. I adored the 2nd verse - weighty with early morning showers - is sumptuous.
The vapour sacks - can't quite figure that out. If you're referring to clouds then perhaps it ought to be "sacs" and not sacks?
Maybe you need some punctuation in the last section.
Lovely reflections.
by penguin
Mon Mar 01, 2010 1:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Stuffed
Replies: 10
Views: 690

Re: Stuffed

Ros, I didn't want to lose the first verse, so I altered more. Hope this reads better.
by penguin
Mon Mar 01, 2010 1:32 pm
Forum: Hello, Good Evening and Welcome
Topic: Greetings
Replies: 8
Views: 1436

Re: Greetings

Thank you Ros. I doubt that my writing shall ever receive the seal of approval but it gives me a sense of porpoise.
by penguin
Mon Mar 01, 2010 9:18 am
Forum: Hello, Good Evening and Welcome
Topic: Greetings
Replies: 8
Views: 1436

Re: Greetings

Thanks both. No, not too warm, I'm used to this kind of climate now, having spent a considerable period in a zoo. At first, of course, I was like a fish out of water. Did I mention that I like fish?
by penguin
Mon Mar 01, 2010 9:15 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Stuffed
Replies: 10
Views: 690

Re: Stuffed

Thank you for your responses, Ros and arunansu.I have made some alterations to the first verse as I can see that parts were too opaque. Perhaps they still are? It isn't about a dream, in fact, that's kinda the point. I should have called it something simple like The Care Home or Bewildered but I wan...
by penguin
Sun Feb 28, 2010 6:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Stuffed
Replies: 10
Views: 690

Stuffed

Last night I dreamt on a different mattress and woke as Mrs Somebody -or -Other, wearing ridiculous items of clothing, a throat stuffed with unfamiliar noises. Partly patient, mostly museum exhibit, temples throbbing to the boom-boom-boom; you can hardly call it music. This sausage no longer tastes ...
by penguin
Sun Feb 28, 2010 6:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: illusions
Replies: 5
Views: 400

Re: illusions

I liked the first verse, and it seems to be going somewhere, but the remainder, particularly, the lines in italics, I make no sense of.
by penguin
Sun Feb 28, 2010 5:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Once, twice, thrice
Replies: 13
Views: 925

Re: Once, twice, thrice

The best part of the poem, I feel, is the allusion to licking the glue and then the envelope on the table, precisely because it is a little out of the ordinary and a bit clever.The little things that get noticed are the best. The repetition of once, twice, thrice, doesn't enhance the poem at all and...
by penguin
Sun Feb 28, 2010 5:41 pm
Forum: Hello, Good Evening and Welcome
Topic: Greetings
Replies: 8
Views: 1436

Greetings

Hello, I am a penguin. I like fish, my favourite colour is white, I love Charlie Chaplin, especially when he tries to eat a shoe.