Search found 219 matches

by penguin
Mon Apr 07, 2014 4:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Breath dissolves in time
Replies: 8
Views: 573

Re: Breath dissolves in time

I like the What lover could disband...... passage. The rest reads like you've had ideas and not bothered to express them properly. Like the opening 2 lines,that could, should be fashioned into something fine. It's embryonic as it is.
by penguin
Mon Apr 07, 2014 4:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Boy (revised)
Replies: 24
Views: 1462

Re: Boy

The only point at which I felt the line break unnatural is here one better than the rest, or worse; when leaving it as late as you could risk you'd slide in round the garden door, Ideally, the line should be ending on worse , I think. I enjoyed it a lot. What most bothered me was the same thing Nash...
by penguin
Mon Apr 07, 2014 3:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Mavens
Replies: 13
Views: 841

Re: Mavens

I thought there might be more to the title, like a breed of chickens, an obscure jazz performer. But apparently not, unless so obscure as to be ungooglable. Anyway, very nice. This is the highlight for me like vinyl enthusiasts hunting for lost jazz on discontinued labels, though each time I want to...
by penguin
Mon Apr 07, 2014 3:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Adjustment Disorder
Replies: 3
Views: 366

Adjustment Disorder

Before the water towers tumbled, he held sway from the food hatch to the smoke room; partitioned by his fists, unless he snatched at liberties or railed at injustice – then the Charge and his auxiliaries would take him for a dusting. This new-fangled breed of nurse is tied by codes and vows to forbe...
by penguin
Fri Apr 04, 2014 7:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Bank Holiday - outer fold (was Stately Bliss)
Replies: 5
Views: 834

Re: Bank Holiday - outer fold (was Stately Bliss)

I wouldn't say the connection between the two sections is obvious or that the addition illuminates your intentions. But nice enough anyway. First bit is much better, I think. Maybe and vinyl rather than as. I thought the 2nd section sank a bit here above the ruckus of kids, couples smarming in bedec...
by penguin
Fri Apr 04, 2014 7:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Edge
Replies: 5
Views: 394

Re: Edge

I thought the same thing as Elphin - for the second time today, which is very worrying - just not up your street. If nothing else you might embroider the title.
by penguin
Fri Apr 04, 2014 7:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Blighted
Replies: 16
Views: 1035

Re: Blighted

Just coming back to photographs of, could you not use photographs showing, bearing, summat of that ilk?
by penguin
Fri Apr 04, 2014 5:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Blighted
Replies: 16
Views: 1035

Re: Blighted

I think it's an excellent poem, love the 3rd verse. Not so keen on the line ending in "of" but maybe needs must. I had to laugh at the comments about the too explicit moral tone. God forbid that poetry should actually have something to say about anything. I've heard a whisper that Hitler bloke was a...
by penguin
Thu Apr 03, 2014 7:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Safety Net
Replies: 13
Views: 1012

Re: Safety Net

Thanks all. Nash - I wasn't really looking for a consistent rhythm though I guess it might help. Not quite right about no rhyme in the last 3 lines - cosmos and focus are rhymes in my land. The pun is to a purpose, too, or a porpoise as we say in these parts. Mac - I think I should use every concept...
by penguin
Thu Apr 03, 2014 7:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Bank Holiday - outer fold (was Stately Bliss)
Replies: 5
Views: 834

Re: Stately Bliss

I enjoyed the last 2 verses more than what went before. a trickle of hooves stir, curtly, - that needs some attention, I think. I can't imagine anything trickling curtly. it looms like leaden eyes at windows, sallow in the oriel sun, staring out over brown fields. - I can't be sure what is the it th...
by penguin
Thu Apr 03, 2014 7:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Cheap
Replies: 17
Views: 1078

Re: Cheap

I think that first poem ought to end at cerulean. Nice and neat.
The second poem had me for about 5 lines, but then it gets bogged down in repetition and over-explanation.
by penguin
Thu Apr 03, 2014 6:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Time
Replies: 9
Views: 750

Re: Time

Perhaps the time metaphor might be expanded if you had, instead of a word scrawled, a face drawn.
by penguin
Wed Apr 02, 2014 9:42 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: a monkey could do that
Replies: 9
Views: 1035

Re: a monkey could do that

Didn't realise it was someone we might know. It'll be on my mind all day now. Rebekah Brooks. Danny Alexander. Andrew Motion. Neil Kinnock. I'll be back.
by penguin
Tue Apr 01, 2014 7:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: First And Last
Replies: 2
Views: 274

Re: First And Last

It's probably best to avoid things like glowed eerily against, shimmering against in the same stanza. There's lots of colours at the start, then they fade away. This is what space is probably like, I think. You could have called it The Lone Ranger and at an appropriate point he might shout Io's silv...
by penguin
Tue Apr 01, 2014 5:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Safety Net
Replies: 13
Views: 1012

Safety Net

I’m leaning to learn on the welfare estate; my buddies have crutches, we congregate to spray on authentic public space. The sweepers arrive before sleepers awake and scrape off another layer of paint from every conceivable surface. Bookcases are hired to the homeless, park benches reinvented as sofa...
by penguin
Tue Apr 01, 2014 5:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: a monkey could do that
Replies: 9
Views: 1035

Re: a monkey could do that

I found it short on poetry and humour, a bit predictable, really. Maybe it would be better if the orang-utan were only inferred rather than named. Maybe you could just call him Ginger.
by penguin
Sun Nov 17, 2013 12:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: stairs talk man (challenge)
Replies: 19
Views: 1333

Re: stairs talk man (challenge)

Lake wrote:I like the voice of the stari case. It talks (personification) with its own characteristcs.
An intimate feel and warmth.

Lake
And that was even before he got the new carpet. Thanks, Lake.
by penguin
Fri Nov 08, 2013 7:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: stairs talk man (challenge)
Replies: 19
Views: 1333

Re: stairs talk man (challenge)

Jackie - it's just that I tried to imagine stairs talking and then I wondered what they would talk like. And it turns out they speak in this kind of clipped anglo-indian tongue. Please don't imagine I'm being racist or anything like that. I can assure you that some of my best friends are banisters.
by penguin
Fri Nov 08, 2013 11:11 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: stairs talk man (challenge)
Replies: 19
Views: 1333

Re: stairs talk man (challenge)

Thanks, Brian. It certainly could end at carpet. Maybe it will. I've an idea now to do a series in which lady enlists the aid of household items to implement her will upon man.
by penguin
Wed Nov 06, 2013 10:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: On The Estate
Replies: 5
Views: 551

Re: On The Estate

Enjoyed. Is the reworded song your invention or the kids'? Something peculiar about the tense or perhaps it's me -

they will sing a song

when Billy Whites mother
finds a twenty pound note - each time I want to say "found"
by penguin
Wed Nov 06, 2013 10:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Waiting in line at Castell Coch
Replies: 8
Views: 852

Re: Waiting in line at Castell Coch

I like this

I remember the splash you made
with the crowd

but mostly it all reminds me of an episode of Peppa Pig.
by penguin
Wed Nov 06, 2013 10:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: stairs talk man (challenge)
Replies: 19
Views: 1333

Re: stairs talk man (challenge)

Thanks for all the comments. Not really pidgin, or even pigeon. Stairs just talk that way.
by penguin
Mon Nov 04, 2013 7:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: stairs talk man (challenge)
Replies: 19
Views: 1333

Re: stairs talk man (challenge)

Jackie wrote:I'll be back to read this more.

Why does the grammar of it, and the finality of each line, call to mind Anglican hymns?

Jackie
You've caught me out there.

Augustus Montague Toplady
by penguin
Sun Nov 03, 2013 8:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Inner To Outer Space
Replies: 8
Views: 617

Re: Inner To Outer Space

Enjoyed. Like the last line very much. stella nursery or stellar? Maybe she likes a drink.
I wonder if you might alter tense here

The globed aquarium becomes a blue moon
light years away, ceiling lights reflect themselves;
stars embedded in the dark.
by penguin
Sun Nov 03, 2013 8:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Homage to Stevie (challenge)
Replies: 9
Views: 923

Re: Homage to Stevie (challenge)

Nice. But if the glass were half full wouldn't that emphasise the wastefulness even more?