Search found 1650 matches

by Mic
Tue Jan 07, 2014 2:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The university lawn of (existential) death
Replies: 12
Views: 852

Re: The university lawn of (existential) death

Hi Luke, Here are my thoughts before reading the other comments you've received. Having such a wag-ish (and I liked this) first line sets an expectation that the rest of the poem will have a similar tone. It doesn't. (And I think I'd prefer this line as the title.) I'm afraid the rest of the poem do...
by Mic
Tue Jan 07, 2014 12:43 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: This year
Replies: 22
Views: 1636

This year

.................... (for Katy and her son) January will hold the door open for you and you’ll carry him in, under an oak moon; a blue garnet in his small, clenched fist will throw light into that forest of lengthening days. In February, the snows will melt and freeze, form pearls on its branches: ...
by Mic
Sun Dec 29, 2013 12:14 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: Ink, Sweat and Tears1 (Dec 30, Xmas poems)
Replies: 9
Views: 826

Re: Ink, Sweat and Tears1 (Dec 30, Xmas poems)

Congratulations Seth!

Mic
by Mic
Sun Dec 29, 2013 12:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Populus sect. Aigeiros
Replies: 8
Views: 1617

Re: Populus sect. Aigeiros

Really like it. Just my cup of tea.

Mic
by Mic
Tue Dec 10, 2013 7:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Before we make love (was 'Us')
Replies: 21
Views: 1347

Re: Before we make love (was 'Us')

Geoff - glad you got the last bit. I prefer the original version. It does come across as a love poem and I like the juxtaposition of the more romantic inclinations of S1 with the more *ahem* hardcore sensibilities of S2. It was unexpected and made me smile when I read it, so that has to be a good th...
by Mic
Mon Dec 09, 2013 6:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: In A Lift Between Floors (challenge 3)
Replies: 12
Views: 965

Re: In A Lift Between Floors (challenge 3)

Vivid writing.

It needs more 'craft' and/or something surprising to make it a poem (in my view)

But good writing.

Mic
by Mic
Mon Dec 09, 2013 5:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Before we make love (was 'Us')
Replies: 21
Views: 1347

Re: Before we make love (was 'Us')

Hello again Luke, Do you mean be more explicit in the poem? - I was hoping that the details, tone of language & title might be enough to help the reader get a feeling for the attitude of the narrator - i.e. that the intimacy that is about to take place after the last line of the poem is going to be ...
by Mic
Mon Dec 09, 2013 4:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Before we make love (was 'Us')
Replies: 21
Views: 1347

Re: Before we make love (was 'Us')

Hi Geoff, Okay. Well, first of all, I hope it comes across as a love poem. I hope that the accumulation of detail (about the books etc) give a sense of the room that the lovers are in. And I'm hoping that the line 'while everything else hurtles through space' might give an implied sense of the lover...
by Mic
Mon Dec 09, 2013 4:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Before we make love (was 'Us')
Replies: 21
Views: 1347

Re: Before we make love (was 'Us')

Hi Geoff. I think the ending probably is better this way. As for the details, I don't know! I suppose they are there to give a sense of place, and atmosphere, an insight, perhaps, into the private world of the poem and its characters. Luke. The point? I do have a sense of what I'm trying to say - an...
by Mic
Mon Dec 09, 2013 1:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Neapolitan Street
Replies: 19
Views: 1141

Re: Neapolitan Street

I think this is really good Ray. The matter-of-fact tone and economy of language brings with it a real poignancy. I like how it looks on the page too: those short line, 5-line stanzas, and the interruption of the form in the last stanza. I love the idea that the N. might qualify for a new solar syst...
by Mic
Mon Dec 09, 2013 1:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: To Sidle: (revision)
Replies: 15
Views: 3394

Re: To Sidle: (revision)

Hi Luke, Some of my first thoughts on this (without having read preceding comments). first couplet is too 'telly' for me; I'd like to see this start with your second couplet, which I really like. I'd also prefer the poem not to use the word sidle, but rather for its use in the title to 'infuse' your...
by Mic
Mon Dec 09, 2013 10:42 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Before we make love (was 'Us')
Replies: 21
Views: 1347

Re: Us

Thanks David and Luke for your feedback. The end line doesn't seem to be working. I've posted an amended version.

Cheers

Mic
by Mic
Sun Dec 08, 2013 4:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Before we make love (was 'Us')
Replies: 21
Views: 1347

Before we make love (was 'Us')

Even though, when we kiss, we kiss with eyes shut, you light a candle on each side of the bed, next to my thin-strapped watch, your second-hand guidebook to Berlin and a drawing of the workings of the heart then, in semi-dark while everything else hurtles through space you lift the covers, slide in....
by Mic
Thu Oct 03, 2013 7:59 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Camping
Replies: 19
Views: 1522

Re: Camping

Thanks Richard. The 'sorrow' is really chiming the wrong note by the looks of things - and it's dong the same for me. I am going to try to re-write this last stanza. Many thanks Mac - you and others are right. See above! Elph - thanks! and yes, sorrow has to go. I'm glad you like the first two stanz...
by Mic
Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Insomnia
Replies: 14
Views: 1102

Re: Insomnia

Hi Richard,

I like all of this except the stuff about tucking the night in - which just seems too self-consciously poetical. I'd like to see the first two stanzas cut, and the last line cut.

Mic
by Mic
Wed Oct 02, 2013 10:09 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Camping
Replies: 19
Views: 1522

Re: Camping

Thanks for this Moth. Interesting to hear how you've responded to this. I was trying to write a love poem. The seeds, the bunch of stars and the apples are all meant as gifts. The sorrow is just, well, sorrow. I initially read it as the various phases of a relationship being recalled in a dreamlike ...
by Mic
Wed Oct 02, 2013 9:21 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Camping
Replies: 19
Views: 1522

Re: Camping

Thanks Peter, there is a reason for the 'sorrow' here and some of the other references/images, but I do think that some of it's work is in that final rhyme so there is a 'gratuity' about it and I think you are right that that is in part the source of my niggling doubt. I'm surprised at some of the r...
by Mic
Tue Oct 01, 2013 4:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Collaboration (V3)
Replies: 24
Views: 1749

Re: Collaboration (V3)

Hi Wilcken, Some thoughts of mine (on the top version) before I read what others have said: Trip on 'ransack' in the first line - doesn't sound right find opening stanza a bit long-winded like the detail of things in the second stanza like stanza 5 LOVE the polyandrous stanza, and the two that follo...
by Mic
Tue Oct 01, 2013 12:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Camping
Replies: 19
Views: 1522

Re: Camping

Thanks Ray - does 'wooden barrow' work?

Mic
by Mic
Tue Oct 01, 2013 11:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Camping
Replies: 19
Views: 1522

Re: Camping

Thanks Geoff. You are right about wheelbarrow of course. Blast it. I know. But if I change to cart (or wheelie-bin!) I lose the rhyme scheme.... :-( Thinking on it. (perhaps I could just say "then fill a barrow/") And Seth - the sorrow is intended. But I do also have a niggling concern about it. Sti...
by Mic
Tue Oct 01, 2013 11:18 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Camping
Replies: 19
Views: 1522

Re: Camping

Yes - thought perhaps you were referring to that! Tried 'old' first and didn't like it because it felt like a metric filler.

Now I'm thinking that in fact the 'missing' syllable is made up in the last line, so might revert.

Mic
by Mic
Tue Oct 01, 2013 11:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Camping
Replies: 19
Views: 1522

Re: Camping

Thanks Ray. Both good catches. Amended.

Cheers

Mic
by Mic
Mon Sep 30, 2013 7:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Camping
Replies: 19
Views: 1522

Camping

While you sleep, I move through fields of dandelion clocks, catch seeds in acorn cups and orange peel. I push your bike up to the stars, pick a bunch, and freewheel down standing on the handlebars; twist apples from their stalks at dawn, fill a wheelbarrow — then wait for you in just my socks. Versi...
by Mic
Wed Sep 25, 2013 7:37 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: At Carrowdore
Replies: 12
Views: 1249

Re: At Carrowdore

It's beautiful David.

Ooof!

Mic