Search found 4396 matches

by brianedwards
Tue Aug 05, 2008 10:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Seriola quinqueradiata
Replies: 14
Views: 912

Re: Seriola quinqueradiata

Thanks for all the look-sees-comments. A playful one this, messing around with two well trodden tropes, love and the sea, in a light-hearted manner. Th langues of the first 2S deliberately descriptive and laden with device. Nice on the ear though, i'd hoped, if read. Very surprised that many of you ...
by brianedwards
Tue Aug 05, 2008 10:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: How does it feel (explicit language)
Replies: 22
Views: 1441

Re: How does it feel (explicit language)

Is the disjointed style deliberate or ill-disciplined? Stuart Take a wild guess!! Yes, apologies for posting this. I know this is suposed to be a workshop, but being new, was keen to make a good impression so chose already published poems for first couple of posts. Interesting responses though,from...
by brianedwards
Tue Aug 05, 2008 2:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The yew
Replies: 23
Views: 1290

Re: The yew

Wasn't suggesting David changes to my ideas, just trying to highlight that shifting from a rather unwieldy metaphor
to a more frivolous simile, which,to my ear, is more fitting, wouldn't be quite the task David feared.

B.
by brianedwards
Tue Aug 05, 2008 2:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The yew
Replies: 23
Views: 1290

Re: The yew

Actually, felt th endin was lacking, so added: The yew is like the gentleman mourner. who stands in churchyards, debonair in shiny coat with bright buttons. Conduct inappropriate at such solemn proceedings, he cocks a dashing eye at you, as though he guessed your weight. Thrushes warm his Autumn lim...
by brianedwards
Tue Aug 05, 2008 11:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The yew
Replies: 23
Views: 1290

Re: The yew

Not necessarily If I may: The yew is like the gentleman mourner. who stands in churchyards, debonair in shiny coat with bright buttons. Conduct inappropriate at such solemn proceedings, he cocks a dashing eye at you, as though he guessed your weight. Thrushes warm his Autumn limbs like an old scarf ...
by brianedwards
Tue Aug 05, 2008 11:45 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The yew
Replies: 23
Views: 1290

Re: The yew

This is coming along David, but I wonder if the metaphor isn't asking too much of the reader. Might simile be more effective.
Just something for you to consider. I enjoy your process.
Cheers.

B.
by brianedwards
Tue Aug 05, 2008 9:58 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: How does it feel (explicit language)
Replies: 22
Views: 1441

Re: How does it feel (explicit language)

Touche, my friend!
Retracted.

B.
by brianedwards
Tue Aug 05, 2008 9:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: How does it feel (explicit language)
Replies: 22
Views: 1441

Re: How does it feel (explicit language)

Thank you h.s.gallows.
This is a piece I am very happy with, so all the negativity expressed means nothing.
I am glad you enjoyed the ride.

B.
by brianedwards
Tue Aug 05, 2008 9:04 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Seriola quinqueradiata
Replies: 14
Views: 912

Re: Seriola quinqueradiata

Thank you both.
I have some questions. I am curious.
When you read a poem, do you read it out loud?
Do you think poetry is closer to painting, prose fiction or music?

Your comments inspire me to know your minds.

B.
by brianedwards
Tue Aug 05, 2008 8:58 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: sky soul such sad
Replies: 21
Views: 1380

Re: sky soul such sad

OK, if you ladies all care to put your handbags down, lets get back to the poem. David was absolutely spot on with his anyhow lived observation. First line pleads guilty on all charges. Kudos for having the balls to well, stick your balls out on the ledge. This poem has a lot of potential and is ver...
by brianedwards
Mon Aug 04, 2008 8:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Seriola quinqueradiata
Replies: 14
Views: 912

Seriola quinqueradiata

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by brianedwards
Mon Aug 04, 2008 7:26 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: District Officer
Replies: 4
Views: 479

Re: District Officer

Dedalus, my fellow exile, Sorry. Maybe I'm missing something, but I find this appallingly bad. It reads like pub logic mixed with bad rhetoric. Also, it elies heavily on cliche, archaic language (unfunny too) and banal editorial observations - 3 no-nos in any decent poem. Editorial comments do not a...
by brianedwards
Sat Aug 02, 2008 8:44 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: On the beach - edited
Replies: 10
Views: 766

Re: On the beach - edited

Sharra,
1st impression - earlier version was better.
I hoped you'd think outside the box in that mid-S. 1S sets up something magical, but 2 doesn't deliver.
End rhyme isfor thesake of it, and doesn't work, for me.
by brianedwards
Sat Aug 02, 2008 12:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Missy By The Window
Replies: 6
Views: 570

Re: Missy By The Window

Just got through marking a pile of 16 year-old's writing portfolios. Apart from the references to London, this piece is very similar. A poem is so much more than the sum of its words. Confusion does not amount to artistry. Editorialisms blind more than they illumine. Apologies for negativity, but ho...
by brianedwards
Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sweetlybitter
Replies: 30
Views: 1930

Re: Sweetlybitter

Barrie Sorry for the silliness. All cleared up now. Now, this is your poem and your voice, but . . . I really think your missing an opportunity here. S1 is very good - did I mention that? S4 is good - nothing a tweak wouldn't solve. 2 and 3 are extracts from a short story squatting in a spot reserve...
by brianedwards
Fri Aug 01, 2008 11:36 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Male of the Species
Replies: 7
Views: 505

Re: The Male of the Species

If we're picking missing pronouns and punctuation, I can only be very satisfied with the poem!

Cheers fellas!!

B.

(have bowed to the masses and revised accordingly, btw)
by brianedwards
Fri Aug 01, 2008 9:34 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Male of the Species
Replies: 7
Views: 505

Re: The Male of the Species

David, Barrie, thanks. This is one I'm more than comfortable with. I think cliche has its place in poetry, as it does in life, if used wisely and is consistent with narrative voice. The phrasing was deliberate and, I think, suits. Also, there are certain cliches that have almost acquired the status ...
by brianedwards
Fri Aug 01, 2008 6:32 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sweetlybitter
Replies: 30
Views: 1930

Re: Sweetlybitter

Not in the slightest David. I don't feel any resentment towards any comments made about any of my poems.
And never will.

TBH, I hadn't even paid close attention to who had dismissed the stone in the canal.
No offence intended.

B.
by brianedwards
Fri Aug 01, 2008 5:38 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Male of the Species
Replies: 7
Views: 505

The Male of the Species

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Removed
by brianedwards
Fri Aug 01, 2008 5:19 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Elephant and the Dove
Replies: 2
Views: 352

Re: The Elephant and the Dove

I'm assuming this is a reference to Kahlo and Rivera. If so, it's intriguing and worthy of a few more reads. Couple of quick impressions though. Although readers don't need an intimate knowledge of the subjects to enjoy the poem, without any clear references, it's difficult for somone not in-the-kno...
by brianedwards
Fri Aug 01, 2008 12:20 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sweetlybitter
Replies: 30
Views: 1930

Re: Sweetlybitter

Barrie, the stone works excellently. Any suggestion to the contrary lacks imagination. Frozen suggests a particular climate and canal a specific locale when linked to the voice found elsewhere in the poem. The words have been clearly carefully chosen. Whyfrozen in a canal, not say, floating in a riv...
by brianedwards
Fri Aug 01, 2008 12:15 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: How does it feel (explicit language)
Replies: 22
Views: 1441

Re: How does it feel (explicit language)

This is a little old, so perhaps my poetic voice has evolved somewhat since written. Still, nice middle class chaps have a past too David! Nevertheless, there is a middle class chap in this poem, if you listen. Seems it's being read differently here than intended. Still, thanks for looking. B. (By t...
by brianedwards
Thu Jul 31, 2008 10:25 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sweetlybitter
Replies: 30
Views: 1930

Re: Sweetlybitter

2 words: poetic license.
:wink:
B.
by brianedwards
Thu Jul 31, 2008 9:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sweetlybitter
Replies: 30
Views: 1930

Re: Sweetlybitter

Hi barrie S1 and 4 are where the poem is for me. The stone in the frozen canal and the crumpled paper bag are clear, subtle and telling. I might break the lines differently though. Just for my own reading I prefer: The old woman next door had an eye like a stone trapped in a frozen canal. The other ...