Search found 4396 matches

by brianedwards
Thu May 07, 2009 11:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sunday
Replies: 8
Views: 799

Re: Sunday

Thanks Dave. As I mentioned above, this poem sprung from a trip to England, so perhaps a touch of sentimentality crept in, made manifest in the overt Englishness . . .?

Thanks for coming back David. Done and done. Revision posted.

Cheers.

B.
by brianedwards
Thu May 07, 2009 12:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Possessed
Replies: 8
Views: 1018

Re: Possessed

ray miller wrote:
If I print it off and fold the paper in a certain fashion it becomes an aeroplane! Or does it?

Not sure poetics are so easily explained away, but I love the idea of your characters aboard a whimsical paper plane!
:D

B.
by brianedwards
Thu May 07, 2009 7:08 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Two: The folded note
Replies: 13
Views: 839

Re: Two: The folded note

Suzanne, some very sensuous writing here. Would you consider italicising the content of the letter and laying it out in a prose poem format? The long run-on sentences are so sumptuous and sexy, I think the breathlessness created by laying them out in long lines really adds to the reading experience...
by brianedwards
Thu May 07, 2009 4:44 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: To a fault
Replies: 7
Views: 910

Re: To a fault

Ros, A marvellous effort at working with a tough set of end words. Beautiful to read aloud and some startling imagery. The language makes the reader sit up and take notice. I've had a wee tinker below. Please ignore whatever doesn't serve your voice, your intentions. Pushing up the hill, you pass ap...
by brianedwards
Thu May 07, 2009 4:23 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Behind a nimbus of sticky reveries(earlier:forgotten words)
Replies: 20
Views: 956

Re: forgotten words(edited)

Interesting draft Aru. Hope you don't mind me having a play. I tried to spice the language up a little and root out the heart of the piece. Of course, this is a very different poem, but hopefully will give you something to think about in terms of syntax and disparate imagery. Door joints creak me in...
by brianedwards
Thu May 07, 2009 4:09 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Pink scraps
Replies: 10
Views: 1010

Re: Pink scraps

Hi Neil, Not sure why this is on the beginner's board, to be honest, as I find this quite a skillful attempt at haiku. I agree with David that the middle line could be stronger. I am by no means a member of the haiku police, but I think you need a bolder word/image to catapult the reader into line 3...
by brianedwards
Thu May 07, 2009 2:20 am
Forum: Poetry Discussion
Topic: William Carlos Williams
Replies: 2
Views: 685

Re: William Carlos Williams

Williams is wonderful isn't he? Thanks for reminding me of this poem, which I haven't read in years. What I like most is not the imagery, as crystalline as it is, but more how tactile the writing is. I almost want to run my fingers down the page/screen. (But this is a busy staff room and my colleagu...
by brianedwards
Thu May 07, 2009 1:51 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Possessed
Replies: 8
Views: 1018

Re: Possessed

Some exceptional writing here Ray. A wonderful story, very well told. And therein lies my one problem with this -- it is a story told, not shown. For me, an excellent short story, but not a poem. I took the liberty of removing the line breaks below. Regards B. Each ward was possessed of its luminari...
by brianedwards
Wed May 06, 2009 11:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Korosaremashita
Replies: 3
Views: 340

Re: Korosusaremashita

Well, I couldn't read that title and not read on, could I? I like the sentiment here but think it could be expressed better. There's a tad too much cliche in places (never cease to amaze; zero in; chink in your armour; walk ten paces). A little more imagination could bring the poem to the fore. Rega...
by brianedwards
Wed May 06, 2009 11:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sunday
Replies: 8
Views: 799

Re: Sunday

Ray, Ros, David ------- Thanks! Point taken regards the syntax in S1. Usually I try to reduce gerunds in revision, but in this instance I wonder if the following doesn't scan better: Clamour of church bells out back, frozen before landing on ears deaf to prayer— ears too full of fart sounds and phle...
by brianedwards
Wed May 06, 2009 11:28 pm
Forum: Poetry Discussion
Topic: John Ashbery
Replies: 13
Views: 3431

Re: John Ashbery

Found it. Enjoy!

Poemtalk

(This is a great series actually, I recommend listening to a few more)
by brianedwards
Wed May 06, 2009 8:27 am
Forum: Poetry Discussion
Topic: John Ashbery
Replies: 13
Views: 3431

Re: John Ashbery

Ashbery is a favourite of mine. I recommend Self-portrait in a Convex Mirror. No-one writes quite like him. He has written in a number of diverse styles over the years, but has consistently found ways of disrupting conventional narratives. Entering an Ashbery poem is exciting because you never know ...
by brianedwards
Wed May 06, 2009 7:48 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sunday
Replies: 8
Views: 799

Sunday

Sunday Clamour of church bells out back, frozen before landing on ears deaf to prayer, ears too full of fart sounds and phlegm hacked-up behind rizla-thin partition walls. Brussel sprouts and cauliflower slink upstairs— over-steamed to suit an old man's gums. Hills and farms in every window, sheep ...
by brianedwards
Wed May 06, 2009 7:26 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sunday night (edited)
Replies: 17
Views: 1027

Re: Sunday night (edited)

Hi Ros, I'd maybe break the lines differently, but otherwise I think this is dazzling: B. Reality slips out with the cat into the twilight rattle of milk bottles and bronchial coughs. Black bins straddle the path, lids pursed shut on gluttony. Terrapins let loose down drains devour freedom one slow ...
by brianedwards
Wed May 06, 2009 6:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Changes
Replies: 13
Views: 1173

Re: Changes

When pondering the drawing of the troops coming home or the slaughter of an errant father, [comma, not semi colon] I’d tap the tin of my corrugated crayon set. It would pop open like a happy clam, revealing a wealth of colour: from Almond through to Desert Sand [lower case 'f' on from] via Inchworm ...
by brianedwards
Wed May 06, 2009 4:58 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: ID
Replies: 5
Views: 455

Re: ID

Agree with nixing the Hitler reference.

A bold poem, well executed. Kudos.

B.
by brianedwards
Wed Aug 13, 2008 8:25 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Vigour
Replies: 13
Views: 811

Re: Vigour

I think if you cut the first two lines you have a quite extraordinary poem. Prising open an isloated bud, that quivers as the petals release the meaning of her name from the surface of everyday grass, I laugh with by chance. We walk, awakened by warm and living breaths as seeds are sewn over the sta...
by brianedwards
Sun Aug 10, 2008 8:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Life sentence (Villanelle)
Replies: 11
Views: 1483

Re: Life sentence (Villanelle)

A poet friend of mine was asked: why don't good poems rhyme anymore? His answer: Maybe the world no longer rhymes. OK, a quip, but some truth therein. The poem came out of a workshop I attended. Find a contemporary news story. Write about it using a poetic form that traditionally requires rhyme. Mak...
by brianedwards
Sun Aug 10, 2008 7:48 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Life sentence (Villanelle)
Replies: 11
Views: 1483

Re: Life sentence (Villanelle)

k-j wrote:
brianedwards wrote:Thanks for looking.

Of course, the feminine rhymes, enjambment and punctuation were all deliberate attempts at subverting the form.

Cheers.

B.
And of course, the attempt failed.
Now that's just being rude.

And I'll edit this one as well.
Thanks again for looking.
by brianedwards
Sun Aug 10, 2008 7:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Life sentence (Villanelle)
Replies: 11
Views: 1483

Re: Life sentence (Villanelle)

Thanks for looking.

Of course, the feminine rhymes, enjambment and punctuation were all deliberate attempts at subverting the form.
I know this needs some tightening though, thanks for the ideas.

Cheers.

B.
by brianedwards
Sun Aug 10, 2008 1:51 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Gilbert (A chauffeur's view)
Replies: 11
Views: 848

Re: Gilbert (A chauffeur's view)

This is a good draft Kris.
I'm going to retun later, after a healthy amount of coffee, and give this one the thorough critique it deserves.
Just wanted you to know, I've been, seen and enjoyed this.
One q though - are you trying to do something with meter here?

B.
by brianedwards
Sun Aug 10, 2008 1:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Life sentence (Villanelle)
Replies: 11
Views: 1483

Life sentence (Villanelle)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Removed
by brianedwards
Sun Aug 10, 2008 1:30 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: How confusing does it have to be?
Replies: 11
Views: 757

Re: How confusing does it have to be?

One thing I will note about this site, readers tend to assume that the voice/opinions in a poem are that of the author. How many assumptions do you base this on? You seem to have no instinctional qualities, get a grip. Stop with with the digs, the lame sarcastic comments and post some shit that wil...
by brianedwards
Sun Aug 10, 2008 1:18 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Splat
Replies: 11
Views: 2646

Re: Splat

LMAO! Keats? Where the hell did that come from? Actually, I hadn't made the Cooper Clarke connection, Sunday morning here, sorry. Thanks for pointing that out. Stil, it adds nothing to this poem, whether deliberately alluded to or not. Not a big fan of JCC, but certainly not reading Keats, my friend...
by brianedwards
Sun Aug 10, 2008 12:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: How confusing does it have to be?
Replies: 11
Views: 757

Re: How confusing does it have to be?

Thanks for the looks. Bukowski? Not sure about the similarity there barrie. Perhaps the expletive? hehehe Reactionary? In a way, yes, I suppose it is. Though not to anything on this site. OK, maybe a little. Just something I've noticed over the years. Many "poets" attempt to write, believing that po...