Search found 1324 matches

by Sharra
Sun Jul 27, 2008 8:30 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: At the market - edited version
Replies: 13
Views: 992

Re: At the market

A lot of comments to take on board here - thanks so much :) I love 'ambles' so will use that - I think it works well with animals on the next line. The 'the unknown father' or 'an unknown father' depends on whether its from her point of view, or the omniscient narrator's which would include the bomb...
by Sharra
Fri Jul 25, 2008 6:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: At the market - edited version
Replies: 13
Views: 992

Re: At the market

Thanks for all the insightful comments (and so speedy too!) :)
I've just popped on before work so I'll take some time later to digest what you've all said, and have a tweak over the weekend.
Sharra
xx
by Sharra
Thu Jul 24, 2008 3:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Nearly 14 (edited version)
Replies: 7
Views: 759

Re: Nearly 14

I've taken on board the comments and posted an edited version :)
by Sharra
Thu Jul 24, 2008 9:33 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: At the market - edited version
Replies: 13
Views: 992

At the market - edited version

edited version She ambles, wide-eyed among the animals, her belly ripe with black packages. A surrogate ready to deliver for the unknown father. His finger caresses the button, feels his muscles contract, before it explodes out of her. The blasts on Friday 1st February 2008 at two animal markets in...
by Sharra
Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Asleep until dawn
Replies: 3
Views: 506

Re: Asleep until dawn

Hi I wasn't sure how to read this - am I right in thinking its more a prose poem? I think if its supposed to be a poem, maybe it needs to be broken up? I found it quite hard to read a huge block of text like that, and it took a couple of readings before I noticed the internal rhymes hidden in it. It...
by Sharra
Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:25 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: swimming
Replies: 5
Views: 536

Re: swimming

Hiya the image of the poem as a whole feels like a great starting point but, as others have said, I feel the form is letting it down. If you want that breathless on and on feel, maybe think about removing the capital letters? I do think playing around with how you say things would benefit it, this w...
by Sharra
Tue Jul 22, 2008 3:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Nearly 14 (edited version)
Replies: 7
Views: 759

Re: Nearly 14

Thanks for the replies - especially Samaritan - you've given me loads to think about here. Its a big help, as I knew it needed tightening but couldn't see where.
I'll have a play over the next week and post the revised version.
Sharra
xx
by Sharra
Sun Jul 20, 2008 7:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Nearly 14 (edited version)
Replies: 7
Views: 759

Nearly 14 (edited version)

edited version I watch you watch yourself carefully combing your wet hair. I see a stranger’s face exposed, the face of the man in waiting. I see him in your swelling shoulders and in the hair, sprouting under your arms. In the mirror I see his dark fuzz kissing your top lip, and his eyes staring i...
by Sharra
Mon Jul 07, 2008 8:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Rose water
Replies: 9
Views: 822

Re: Rose water

I loved the feel of this, especially the 3rd stanza - the language used is just lovely. However, I ws a little confused by it, the first 2 stanzas made sense to me but I wasn't sure where the 'glances' were from - is it glances from 'you' ? in which case would the line be better 'I sip your glances'...
by Sharra
Mon Jul 07, 2008 8:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Small Adventures
Replies: 5
Views: 628

Re: Small Adventures

I really liked the imagery in this, like 'chubby arms', and 'White stone, toad, leaf, new treasures,' especially. I thought the rhythm of it worked well, especially 'scurry, hurry, beetle' and the half rhymes of 'swifts' and 'wings'. For me it felt like the last stanza wasn't as polished as the othe...
by Sharra
Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Overlooking a café at night time
Replies: 7
Views: 715

Re: Overlooking a café at night time

Thanks very much - thats made my day :)
I've been having a slight crisis of confidence so the boost is really appreciated.
Sharra
xx
by Sharra
Wed Jun 11, 2008 7:50 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Overlooking a café at night time
Replies: 7
Views: 715

Re: Overlooking a café at night time

Hiya Thanks for your comments - I think you may be right that starting at the 2nd stanza might have more impact, I will play around with that - its so hard to let go of lines you like tho isn't it? :) and dogof, I would LOVE to be able to take people's breath away like Van Gogh, I think thats a way ...
by Sharra
Mon Jun 09, 2008 4:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Girl in my mirror
Replies: 4
Views: 524

Re: A Girl in my mirror

Hi Reema
Again a very strong poem that I can hear as I read. I loved the line ' That girl in my mirror / refuses to set me free'. I think we should all listen to that voice inside us that tells us not to give up - and this gets across that emotion so well.
Great stuff :)
Sharra
x
by Sharra
Mon Jun 09, 2008 1:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: School Trip
Replies: 3
Views: 530

Re: School Trip

Thanks for your comments - its one of those thats been 'not quite there' for a while, so I'll definitely think about what you have said.
And yes, the joys of parenthood, and wondering when they got so big!
by Sharra
Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Overlooking a café at night time
Replies: 7
Views: 715

Overlooking a café at night time

This was written in response to Van Gogh's Cafe Terrace. new version Loading her brush with Cadmium Orange she brings the lamplight below to her blank wall. Now she can see. Shutters stripe her face like prison bars. The tables beneath beckon her to sit, to stargaze, but she cannot leave. Shades of ...
by Sharra
Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:38 pm
Forum: Beginners Featured Poems
Topic: Overlooking a café at night time
Replies: 0
Views: 1355

Overlooking a café at night time

This was written in response to Van Gogh's Cafe Terrace. new version Loading her brush with Cadmium Orange she brings the lamplight below to her blank wall. Now she can see. Shutters stripe her face like prison bars. The tables beneath beckon her to sit, to stargaze, but she cannot leave. Shades of ...
by Sharra
Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A rainy day in Kolkata
Replies: 1
Views: 347

Re: A rainy day in Kolkata

I really liked the tone of your poem, and I loved 'a group of drenched crows. ' I do wonder whether 'hazy world' is a bit vague - if this was sharpened it might strengthen the drenched cow simile even more. I also loved 'air smelled of muddy sky' - I could taste it, and I like the way you have enjam...
by Sharra
Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Little ones.
Replies: 5
Views: 660

Re: Little ones.

I liked the line Looked into lives that the streets hold and keep. and I thought the rhythm of the last 3 stanzas was great, fitted with the idea of bass beats and dance (if I understood the meaning right). But for me it felt like it was 2 separate poems, split at 'in and in' and I wasn't sure of th...
by Sharra
Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Am A Woman
Replies: 5
Views: 592

Re: Am A Woman

I like this, I could hear it as I read - I bet it would be great performed live as it has a strong rhythm to it.
I thought the last 3 lines ended it well.
I'm especially impressed as English isn't your first language.
Sharra
x
by Sharra
Sat Jun 07, 2008 4:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: 'I'm a critic at heart'
Replies: 6
Views: 698

Re: 'I'm a critic at heart'

I really like this too - especially 'deforming her fruit bowls' and the ending. :)
I think my only query would be whether the line 'I'm a critic at heart' in italics is necessary, it stopped the flow of the poem for me and I think I got that feeling anyway from the rest of the poem.
Sharra
x
by Sharra
Fri Jun 06, 2008 7:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: School Trip
Replies: 3
Views: 530

School Trip

Here's my first offering :) He’s swallowing the images on the screen whole, tasting the adventure, the scaling of teenage heights. I see the cliff top drop and the flimsy spiders web that will hold him. We watch snarling rocks snap at an inflatable dinghy. ‘It’s safe’ he tells me, dying to ride that...
by Sharra
Fri Jun 06, 2008 7:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Lost Tennis Ball
Replies: 8
Views: 860

Re: The Lost Tennis Ball

Hiya I really liked the simplicity and tone of this, a lovely voice coming through.. I thought the first stanza was great, I especially liked 'be alone with my ups and downs' - the whole stanza created a very strong image for me. The 2nd stanza didn't work as well for me. I was confused about the po...
by Sharra
Fri Jun 06, 2008 4:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Burma
Replies: 6
Views: 865

Re: Burma

Hi Smiffy This is my first crit on here, so I hope it makes sense :) I liked this poem, some lovely images, but for me, it feels like it could do with tightening up a little. I think the first stanza was the best, it seemed to flow more than the others. I liked the unintrusive rhymes - 'all to see' ...
by Sharra
Thu Jun 05, 2008 8:27 am
Forum: Hello, Good Evening and Welcome
Topic: Hiya :)
Replies: 2
Views: 873

Hiya :)

I thought I should say 'Hi' and introduce myself. I've been writing poetry on and off since those days of teen angst and the awful poetry that comes out of them (a VERY long time ago) but have only seriously been working at it for a couple of years. Its hard to find people in real life who can criti...