Search found 5998 matches

by ray miller
Thu Nov 20, 2008 10:03 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Nice and Short
Replies: 11
Views: 853

Re: Nice and Short

OK, I was being harsh about the "self-conscious". It just put me in mind of Progressive Rock lyrics from the 1970's. It's probably the phrase " lost neurons" that does it. It isn't that I can't relate to, or feel an aversion to the topic, and of course it's a valid and interesting thing to express a...
by ray miller
Thu Nov 20, 2008 9:11 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Myths of Mental Illness No. 1 Doing the Maths
Replies: 8
Views: 693

Re: Myths of Mental Illness No. 1 Doing the Maths

David, I'm shocked and dismayed. I thought you guys knew everything! I bet barrie knows who Pinel was. He was a physician in Paris who, literally, removed the chains which bound the lunatics- and began talking to them! Sometimes, it is whispered, he even listened to what they had to say! But he didn...
by ray miller
Thu Nov 20, 2008 9:03 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Here On This Earth
Replies: 15
Views: 972

Re: Here On This Earth

Lovely picture you've painted. The succession of bogs, orchards, swamps and stumps is maybe a bit too much but I really liked the bogs blood-caked and dotted with driftwood stumps is beautiful. Are there such things as cranberry bogs? I couldn't quite imagine a fleshless reed, somehow. I think the e...
by ray miller
Thu Nov 20, 2008 8:18 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Smile
Replies: 21
Views: 1533

Re: Smile

Hi, this is pleasant enough though I'd suggest it would be more interesting if the feelings you describe were incorporated within an actual event.
by ray miller
Thu Nov 20, 2008 8:12 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Nice and Short
Replies: 11
Views: 853

Re: Nice and Short

Sorry, but I find this rather vague and too self-conscious for my liking. I wonder at the need to capitalise Silence and River and the selective punctuation doesn't help either.
by ray miller
Wed Nov 19, 2008 12:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: She was asking for it!
Replies: 7
Views: 708

Re: She was asking for it!

Very uncomfortable reading, of course, and I found myself hoping that what appeared to be the inevitable ending would somehow transform itself into an amusing incident with a funny punchline. But it didn't. Hope you're getting over it. As for the form and structure of the poem I thought it began in ...
by ray miller
Wed Nov 19, 2008 10:42 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Something that has destroyed my life
Replies: 5
Views: 555

Re: Something that has destroyed my life

How about " but I'm buried in your brain like a poisoned arrow." Good luck, Ray
by ray miller
Wed Nov 19, 2008 10:03 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: It was a summer in Varanasi
Replies: 8
Views: 704

Re: It was a summer in Varanasi

Lovely, beautifully phrased, evoking so much. "In the tranquil waters she'd float her wishes" - great.
by ray miller
Wed Nov 19, 2008 9:48 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Myths of Mental Illness No. 1 Doing the Maths
Replies: 8
Views: 693

Re: Myths of Mental Illness No. 1 Doing the Maths

Thanks for your comments. jms I've altered 2nd stanza a bit, I see what you mean but the last stanza I like and it's kind of essential. "What were they thinking of?" is just a little irony, Parisians in 1798 perhaps had a lot on their minds. Jimmy, you've set up the punchline for me. No, I wasn't de...
by ray miller
Tue Nov 18, 2008 11:23 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Something that has destroyed my life
Replies: 5
Views: 555

Re: Something that has destroyed my life

Hi, as much a rap as a poem, or a rap-poem, if there is such a thing. I like rap and I enjoyed this. Whether the way you have presented it on the page brings out the best in it is a moot point. I would try to emphasise the rhymes by allowing them to end the lines. A few more comments for you: the th...
by ray miller
Tue Nov 18, 2008 10:51 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Clerihew
Replies: 8
Views: 741

Re: Clerihew

I was going to suggest "misshapen" rather than "misshaped" then I wondered what is a clerihew, anyway? I looked it up and it emphasised that the lines of the couplets are of unequal length, so perhaps not. It reminds me of that song, "all the world is football-shaped, it's just for me to kick in spa...
by ray miller
Tue Nov 18, 2008 9:49 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Myths of Mental Illness No. 1 Doing the Maths
Replies: 8
Views: 693

Myths of Mental Illness No. 1 Doing the Maths

In time all things shall be counted and weighed, yet not until Seventeen Ninety Eight did Monsieur Pinel, that breaker of chains which bound the insane take time to explain that there were but four mental disorders, madness had been drawn and quartered and hung from above. You might be manic or mela...
by ray miller
Tue Nov 18, 2008 8:18 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Tis me
Replies: 11
Views: 838

Re: Tis me

Mick, some suggestions to improve the rhythm. Swap "unfortunately " for "badly". Omit "quite". Line 4 use "that's" rather than "that is".
"2 legs that can't dance in time". "1 heart that is pumping red wine" . get rid of "excess" .
by ray miller
Tue Nov 18, 2008 8:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: And so it goes on
Replies: 6
Views: 513

Re: And so it goes on

Good stuff. swivel chair and talking drivel is nice. pre curser? is that deliberate? The best two lines, "After which she shoves a fist/ full of rich paper into her purse" The first line leads you to be expecting something else, I guess! I agree with David, there needs to be a final punchline.
by ray miller
Tue Nov 18, 2008 7:56 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Ode To A Friend
Replies: 4
Views: 466

Re: Ode To A Friend

Really enjoyable, with a lightness of touch as referred to in the opening line. Don't know why you put semi-colon before sanguine or full stop between chisel and jeering. They interrupt the flow but presumably that's your intention. " termites mounding folly", not a great rhyme but an arresting imag...
by ray miller
Tue Nov 18, 2008 7:41 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Parlay voo
Replies: 13
Views: 1082

Re: Parlay voo

Yeah, seems like a bit of fun then there's a kick at the end. What I wonder, is Franglais and all the pathetic gesticulations solely something that we males resort to?I don't recall seeing females do it or, more to the point, seeing them caricatured as behaving such.
by ray miller
Mon Nov 17, 2008 11:52 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Torcello
Replies: 13
Views: 1012

Re: Torcello

Death in Venice? A journey of decisions and indecision, I think? Some interesting imagery, I liked the " canal to the cathedral / you entered the unconsecrated shell" You mean "aqueous" surely.Thought last two lines were great "swimming to Byzantium.....you thought about it all the way back" as was ...
by ray miller
Fri Nov 14, 2008 8:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Whooping (revised)
Replies: 19
Views: 1219

Re: Whooping

Jesus! He only started off with 21 words, which barrie reduces to 19 and then Sharra cuts to 18. Is there a competition going on? Well, just in case there is.Thwack.Thud. Swan lies broken.
by ray miller
Fri Nov 14, 2008 4:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Little Beirut
Replies: 5
Views: 479

Little Beirut

The countryside lay beyond our garden fence, a pasture of cows and their excrement, the neglected neighbour, the alien; we lived in the last house in Birmingham. Unpeopled, uncurtained, unpleasantly green and base, the bare face of the earth to be seen without any concrete to cover its shame; I was ...
by ray miller
Thu Nov 13, 2008 11:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Cha-tattering
Replies: 4
Views: 512

Re: Cha-tattering

Like Suzanne I think the first verse is very impressive "unrepentant wind" making a joke of lightweight foliage,the rhyming of ghoulish with foliage, powerful imagery and language. The remainder is interesting enough but understandably doesn't maintain the original heights.
by ray miller
Thu Nov 13, 2008 11:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I'm Your Clown
Replies: 8
Views: 667

Re: I'm Your Clown

Helen, thanks for the suuggestions. I don't see the problem with "twenty-eighth" or S2 line3.I had A and E originally, don't recall why I changed it. I agree about S5 line 4, thank you. Ray
by ray miller
Thu Nov 13, 2008 6:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: barrie and David
Replies: 6
Views: 580

barrie and David

If you plan to write an epic
then forget it
you'll regret it
your big picture will be shredded
by the time those two have read it
they are famously intrepid
in their eagerness to edit
and they cut
by ray miller
Thu Nov 13, 2008 11:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Face-to-face
Replies: 5
Views: 480

Re: Face-to-face

Hi, beauty in simplicity again and the last two lines are what makes it so good. I can't help thinking there should be a better alternative to "stopped by" but I'm unable to think of it either!
by ray miller
Thu Nov 13, 2008 10:50 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Fits and Jerks
Replies: 7
Views: 639

Re: Fits and Jerks

Geoff/David, we do indeed still "do it".It depends more on your postcode these days. 25 years ago I was nearly thrown out of my nurse training for refusing to participate in administering ECT against someone's will. I've managed to avoid being anywhere near it since then but it loomed on the horizon...
by ray miller
Wed Nov 12, 2008 2:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Fits and Jerks
Replies: 7
Views: 639

Re: Fits and Jerks

Oh God, what do I know? I hate this poem, I had so much trouble with it and it has been butchered and torn apart from its original design and length.I actually came back to delete it and start again only to find Barrie and Sulpicia seemed to like it! Never trust the artist, trust the tale as D.H.Law...