Search found 5961 matches

by ray miller
Sun Feb 02, 2020 12:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Out Of My League - revision
Replies: 11
Views: 1634

Re: Out Of My League - revision

Thanks, Not. Orgasm is necessary - for all sorts of reasons. I thought about 2 stanzas, ending the first at "list", maybe I'll do that. OK, I hoped I'd not have to go into detailed explanations, but.... the list would change each year as 2, or is it 3, teams exchange places from League 2 and The Con...
by ray miller
Sun Feb 02, 2020 12:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Anthropomorphic
Replies: 11
Views: 800

Re: Anthropomorphic

Thanks, Eira. Punters is now spectators.
by ray miller
Sun Feb 02, 2020 12:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Found Him Again on Facebook(version 3)
Replies: 7
Views: 606

Re: Found Him Again on Facebook

I'd keep the stanza you discarded, or some version of it anyway.

She turns him off, shutting down, - something like that
limps away - her crumpled image
caught in the mirror. - last line is a bit well-worn

You could say something about the respective statuses - is that a word?
by ray miller
Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:43 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Last Conversation I Recall
Replies: 3
Views: 309

Re: The Last Conversation I Recall

It needs lots of trimming and I couldn't help myself, this is what I'd do with it - We shared a conversation at the cosmetic shop about the feelings I held concerning Russia and St. Petersburg. We talked for hours and hours about the rain and the countries we hailed from, not to mention the foreign ...
by ray miller
Fri Jan 31, 2020 10:08 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Anthropomorphic
Replies: 11
Views: 800

Re: Anthropomorphic

Thanks, Not and mac. No, I wasn't trying to represent a penguin.
by ray miller
Fri Jan 31, 2020 8:59 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Anthropomorphic
Replies: 11
Views: 800

Re: Anthropomorphic

Thanks, Poet. The lack of punctuation is deliberate. Punters, in this sense, means members of the public. En masse means all together, as one.
by ray miller
Thu Jan 30, 2020 8:30 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Anglesey birds in mystery mass death (revision4)
Replies: 19
Views: 2007

Re: Anglesey birds in mystery mass death (revision3)

This version is certainly clearer. Love the first 3 lines and the new ending. Do you need "and perhaps"? You've stuck with boasted all the way through, but I wonder if that's the right word. Do you boast of aspirations?
by ray miller
Thu Jan 30, 2020 8:21 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Anthropomorphic
Replies: 11
Views: 800

Re: Anthropomorphic

Thanks both. Commas removed. Thinking about "punters", JJ, I see what you mean.
by ray miller
Tue Jan 28, 2020 12:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Grandpa
Replies: 10
Views: 1688

Re: Grandpa

Enjoyed the poem. It's trim. He was trim, a tall man who wore spats, a fact hidden now. - why is that fact hidden now? Snaps always caught him on the fly laughing. Boys then longed to be traveling salesman but where’s the glory? You’re not framed or named in civic rosters. I'd suggest Boys longed to...
by ray miller
Tue Jan 28, 2020 12:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Anthropomorphic
Replies: 11
Views: 800

Anthropomorphic

it’s hard to single heroes out they all look much the same to us black and white formal dress Marxist maybe Chaplinesque they tramp the end of the world or cock their heads as if they heard something muffled on the wind spectators chuckle when they flip or take their turn while mothers fish to bear ...
by ray miller
Tue Jan 28, 2020 11:30 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Out Of My League - revision
Replies: 11
Views: 1634

Re: Out Of My League - revision

Thanks for the comments and suggestions. I've put lines15-18 on the subs bench for now, though I'm not sure that doesn't dilute the ending.
by ray miller
Tue Jan 28, 2020 11:17 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Beyond the Page (v3)
Replies: 9
Views: 1029

Re: Unless you’re writing about the page

I like the drift of the poem, but I don't get the title.
that still remain - "still" is redundant, I think.
by ray miller
Tue Jan 28, 2020 11:09 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nestling (rev2)
Replies: 12
Views: 1005

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

I think revision 1 is best, though maybe without the 5th stanza.

She sings Rock-a-Bye
as marigolds and rosemary
scent the tea carton.

Laying the naked hatchling
in a tea carton, lined with marigolds
and rosemary, she hums Rock-a-Bye.

I think you need the detail of naked hatchling.
by ray miller
Tue Jan 28, 2020 10:26 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I grew up on this little island (revised)
Replies: 6
Views: 770

Re: I grew up on this little island

The poem is pretty fantastical, apart from stanza 2, which sounds like a place I know. I prefer stanza 2. You don't "own" before seditious and the rhythm seems better without it. Ages ago, the island’s only inhabitants were wild men. Before there were palaces, parliaments and pagodas, women were rai...
by ray miller
Tue Jan 28, 2020 10:17 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Curiosity (v3b)
Replies: 30
Views: 2158

Re: Curiosity (v3)

Are maggots mindless? They're certainly purposeful.
by ray miller
Tue Jan 28, 2020 10:11 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pilot-Light
Replies: 7
Views: 882

Re: Pilot-Light

I'd suggest something like below, which endeavours to keep the best bits and put them in the right order. That sounds more cocky than it's meant to. Revision When it went out as it frequently did, I marveled at the aplomb with which he re-lit it; Its blue bud of flame seemed as distant as Pluto as I...
by ray miller
Fri Jan 17, 2020 3:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Superman (final)
Replies: 9
Views: 1108

Re: Superman

There's a lot that I like in this. I don't find the last 3 stanzas as convincing as the rest and I'd advise keeping Trump out of the poem altogether. There are a lot of "floors" in that opening stanza, maybe "escaping vertically"? But we all know how it really happened. - I think "But that's not how...
by ray miller
Fri Jan 17, 2020 3:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Curiosity (v3b)
Replies: 30
Views: 2158

Re: Curiosity

Very good, especially the ending. Though I wonder if you need "when asked". Shouldn't think you need that comma after "whiskers".
by ray miller
Thu Jan 16, 2020 11:18 am
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: Runcible Spoon
Replies: 4
Views: 952

Re: Runcible Spoon

Thanks, Not.
by ray miller
Thu Jan 16, 2020 11:17 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Caravan
Replies: 2
Views: 555

Re: The Caravan

Lovely opening line. I'd not heard coffle before. There's a few things I don't really understand. Like, "half-clothes", "smitten of all stealth" - I can guess you mean robbed of all stealth? The man trembles behind - because of the cold? I did wonder if there is more than one man in the poem.
by ray miller
Thu Jan 16, 2020 11:07 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: All the Little Coasts of America (Revision)
Replies: 16
Views: 1487

Re: All the Little Coasts of America

You've missed out Paraguay. I know you're going to say that's because it's landlocked but I don't Bolivia.
by ray miller
Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:24 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Out Of My League - revision
Replies: 11
Views: 1634

Out Of My League - revision

Revision These days she always ends up on top, eyes tight shut the better to fuck and focus on felicity. She’s unaware I’m travelling somewhere in between Accrington Stanley and York City. It’s a tip I came across in a self-help book way back in the seventies: to delay orgasm, work your way through ...
by ray miller
Tue Jan 14, 2020 5:53 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: Runcible Spoon
Replies: 4
Views: 952

Runcible Spoon

https://www.runciblespoon.co.uk/calculations/4594787820
by ray miller
Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:08 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Smoke
Replies: 7
Views: 1040

Re: Smoke

Enjoyed. It's true that the poem really becomes interesting at the third stanza. Maybe you could trim some of the opening.
by ray miller
Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:03 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pump Up the Jam
Replies: 2
Views: 331

Re: Pump Up the Jam

I don't get it, but I do like these lines

I would never be so godless

As to mistake freckles for blemishes