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by ray miller
Fri Oct 23, 2020 8:41 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: January 4th
Replies: 4
Views: 50

Re: January 4th

He meets the scene visit - I can't make any sense of that and find the rest pretty impenetrable. I see that parts of the poem are being repeated elsewhere, but that's not helping.
by ray miller
Fri Oct 23, 2020 8:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Poor Poem
Replies: 3
Views: 29

Poor Poem

At the moment of birth you move into focus my eyes burn at deformities and jaundice the way you gulp for air. The cord is broken blood sponged up and now you’ve shown them much too much. I flash the knife your litter fills the bin. My flannel wipes the spittle from your chin. Every orifice is plugge...
by ray miller
Wed Oct 21, 2020 8:08 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Chrysalis - revised
Replies: 10
Views: 104

Re: Chrysalis - revised

S2 - I can see how this links to Catherine (and reduces the ambiguity that the 'pretend' Catherine played was with N, that she said she remembered her dad, when she didn't) but how does this connect to the caterpillars. Catherine does remember her Dad, that's the whole point. The caterpillars ascen...
by ray miller
Tue Oct 20, 2020 10:09 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Chrysalis - revised
Replies: 10
Views: 104

Re: Chrysalis - revised

I hadn't thought of that, mac. Old photos might be forbidden, but not necessarily, I think.
by ray miller
Tue Oct 20, 2020 10:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pandora's Jar
Replies: 5
Views: 37

Re: Pandora's Jar

http://www.poetsgraves.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=20908&p=174362&hilit=Pandora#p174362
Great minds and all that.

Who carried us
into your house? - Who is us and whose house are you on about?

I wonder about "and to pass on" for the last line.
by ray miller
Mon Oct 19, 2020 1:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Chrysalis - revised
Replies: 10
Views: 104

Re: Chrysalis

Thanks for the comments. Not, I shall change "ascend". I'll have a think on lines15-16. I suppose I preferred somersaulting to tumbling because of the sense of deliberation or rehearsal involved. Perry - In saying Not because their brains fall out the N is meant to be echoing the child's question. M...
by ray miller
Mon Oct 19, 2020 12:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Love or Gas
Replies: 8
Views: 86

Re: Love or Gas

Wouldn't Love Is Gas be a more appropriate title? The central metaphor does little for me, but then I don't drive a car. I did enjoy the penultimate stanza, but the most interesting passage for me is this Love is such a troublesome thing. Good people love, bad people don’t, which puts the pressure o...
by ray miller
Mon Oct 19, 2020 8:39 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Seasonal Adjustment
Replies: 7
Views: 77

Re: Seasonal Adjustment

I liked the hedgehogs too. The 3rd stanza is very good, though I'd prefer
lethargy overwhelms
my lounge on the couch,

Do swallows swing on telegraph wires? Something like chatter might be better.

slump deeper into pillows
of hopelessness. -I'd lose that line
by ray miller
Fri Oct 16, 2020 9:08 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Making Sense
Replies: 3
Views: 66

Re: Making Sense

Reminds me of Dylan Thomas. It's touch that wets the light. That sounds great, at first glance, but I don't know what it, or the rest of the poem, means.
by ray miller
Fri Oct 16, 2020 9:04 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Alfred Wallis: A Fisherman No More (revision2)
Replies: 12
Views: 161

Re: Alfred Wallis: A Fisherman No More (revision2)

I'd be wanting to keep "his wife is graveyard stone". Wouldn't "Each day he paints those times..." be truer?
by ray miller
Fri Oct 16, 2020 9:00 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Chrysalis - revised
Replies: 10
Views: 104

Chrysalis - revised

Version 2 We watch green caterpillars climbing the pink wall of our house. Relentless tractors, gravity conquerors. They won’t get in your window, I tell her, just find a height where they feel safe, hang upside down for a week or so, wrap themselves in a silken overcoat then emerge as butterflies. ...
by ray miller
Fri Oct 16, 2020 8:59 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Four Sunday Gods -v3
Replies: 19
Views: 273

Re: Four Sunday Gods -v3

Thanks, mac.
by ray miller
Fri Oct 16, 2020 8:56 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Forwarding
Replies: 7
Views: 92

Re: Forwarding

I think you might need to enlarge upon the difference between estar and ser for people like me. frilly criteria - I don't like the expression. I can guess at what you mean, but to me they seem like 2 words that should never sit next to each other. he consults his press - my first thought was emails,...
by ray miller
Thu Oct 15, 2020 8:39 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Four Sunday Gods -v3
Replies: 19
Views: 273

Re: Four Sunday Gods -v3

You're right, mac. You may be right, Not. Still thinking on that.
by ray miller
Wed Oct 14, 2020 2:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Alfred Wallis: A Fisherman No More (revision2)
Replies: 12
Views: 161

Re: Alfred Wallis: A Fisherman No More (revised)

I think lines 4and 5 are not really adding much. I think the rest is very good, up to the last 4 lines.
He paints for food and company,
dies in the workhouse, alone.
His work breathes salted air,
in the Tate, at St Ives.

I think the company, or friends, is important.
by ray miller
Wed Oct 14, 2020 9:16 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Four Sunday Gods -v3
Replies: 19
Views: 273

Re: Paragliders

I've decided that the 5th line will now read Three bubbles burst from the surface
I'm having difficulty with the next line. I need glass, not necessarily champagne. So I'm thinking something like - for the hillsides curve like a glass. But better than that!
by ray miller
Wed Oct 14, 2020 9:01 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Four Sunday Gods -v3
Replies: 19
Views: 273

Re: Paragliders

Thanks all for the comments. Not - where do you think commas should go? I might put one after "surface", otherwise I think you must be suggesting commas after One, Two, Three, Four? I'd thought about that, but I'm not keen. I wouldn't change the order of the lines because there is a rhyme scheme, wh...
by ray miller
Tue Oct 13, 2020 2:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Four Sunday Gods -v3
Replies: 19
Views: 273

Re: Paragliders

I had another go with the champagne glass thing. Probably made it worse.
by ray miller
Tue Oct 13, 2020 8:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Four Sunday Gods -v3
Replies: 19
Views: 273

Re: Four Sunday Gods

Thanks mac. I might just call it Paragliders. Thanks Perry. Criticism is fine, it's what we come here for, I suppose. I'm not writing things that are deliberately obscure, but I'm also trying not to state the obvious. To be interesting, entertaining, enlightening, is what we all strive for, I guess,...
by ray miller
Tue Oct 13, 2020 8:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Four Sunday Gods -v3
Replies: 19
Views: 273

Re: Four Sunday Gods

Thanks mac. I might just call it Paragliders. Thanks Perry. Criticism is fine, it's what we come here for, I suppose. I'm not writing things that are deliberately obscure, but I'm also trying not to state the obvious. To be interesting, entertaining, enlightening, is what we all strive for, I guess,...
by ray miller
Tue Oct 13, 2020 8:41 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Alfred Wallis: A Fisherman No More (revision2)
Replies: 12
Views: 161

Re: Alfred Wallis: A Fisherman No More

Lots to like, 2nd sentence is the best part. He is strolling down St Ives, the curve of cobbled streets, - is that comma necessary? towards the pebbled beach. Today he paints those times of boats with hungry sails, the sky a rash of gulls, that harbour of flightless hours - I like this line and the ...
by ray miller
Tue Oct 13, 2020 8:26 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The United States of Cruelty
Replies: 2
Views: 46

Re: The United States of Cruelty

I'd recommending cutting the list by a half or so. Then you'd find it easier to create a logical narrative. I had to look up the first two on your list. I think they could go, for sure.
by ray miller
Sun Oct 11, 2020 10:02 am
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: 2 accepted by Sam Smith’s The Journal
Replies: 2
Views: 265

Re: 2 accepted by Sam Smith’s The Journal

Well done. I thought the ending of the 2nd poem was quite Trumpian. Not just because I misread aerosol as arsehole.
by ray miller
Sun Oct 11, 2020 9:56 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Elusive (revision2)
Replies: 20
Views: 427

Re: Elusive (revision2)

Much as I like splutters/ruckus, the original 2nd line has more clarity. I'm just surprised you would get close enough to flamingos to be spattered with mud.
by ray miller
Sun Oct 11, 2020 9:50 am
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: Snakeskin - Congrats to Ray and Tristan
Replies: 4
Views: 663

Re: Snakeskin - Congrats to Ray and Tristan

Thanks, not. What happened next is he fellow's behaviour escalated and my friends informed the police. They warned him off and he stopped.