Search found 162 matches

by TrevorConway
Sat Sep 19, 2020 9:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Careful
Replies: 2
Views: 20

Careful

Things of life became predators once our child flexed her feet, so our eyes became greedy for information of the ahead, what might emerge from streets and doorways, drivers in love with their phones. Staircases were sharpened teeth, and dark drops below railings had a stomach for bones and flesh. Ou...
by TrevorConway
Thu Sep 17, 2020 6:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Too Soon?
Replies: 12
Views: 124

Re: Too Soon?

Wouldn't it be great if the tooth fairy was the culprit! :D Just follow the trail of teeth...
by TrevorConway
Wed Sep 16, 2020 6:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Too Soon?
Replies: 12
Views: 124

Re: Too Soon?

Yep, I thought that's what you were getting at with Rudolph's seemingly shifty reaction at the end.

T
by TrevorConway
Wed Sep 16, 2020 11:46 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Too Soon?
Replies: 12
Views: 124

Re: Too Soon?

Hi Not, I found this more accessible than some of your recent poems. The idea seemed clearer here. I think the title's okay, but could be worth thinking of others. One that came to mind was "Season's Thiefings". As regards developing the character, I'd say yes at first, but since it turns out that R...
by TrevorConway
Sat Sep 12, 2020 8:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Labour
Replies: 4
Views: 66

Re: Labour

Thanks very much for commenting in such detail, Not. And good to get your opinion on the strongest poem (still titled 'Adios' for now, I'm afraid :D). Hmm, you may be onto something about s2 getting sluggish.

Cheers for your help!

T
by TrevorConway
Sat Sep 12, 2020 8:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Labour
Replies: 4
Views: 66

Re: Labour

Hey Mac,

Thanks for your feedback. I'll certainly give the adjectives a good look over, see if any can go. It's where they're laid on thick, as you say.

Much obliged,

T
by TrevorConway
Wed Sep 09, 2020 7:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Labour
Replies: 4
Views: 66

Labour

I saw green till diggers came and scraped it away, soil and stone revealed, cement swept in thick currents, heavy pipes hoisted down, and stubborn slabs sandwiched all to a subterranean fate. Walls rose from cinder blocks. The second floor flourished with a deluge of timber, and slanted tiles clung ...
by TrevorConway
Tue Sep 08, 2020 8:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Real Macaw (v2b)
Replies: 6
Views: 133

Re: The Real Macaw (v2)

Hey Not, Hope all's well. I found this entertaining in parts but too dominated by the rhyme and the piracy theme. Maybe the latter was essential to your vision of the poem from the conception of the basic idea, but I wondered if you had a more interesting idea at the very beginning of the thought pr...
by TrevorConway
Tue Sep 08, 2020 6:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Observance (revision)
Replies: 22
Views: 260

Re: Observance (revision)

Hi Mac, I thought this could be developed a lot more to give a fuller portrait of the relationship involved. The scenery, on the other hand, was pretty well painted, i thought. Some specifics below. After a stroll along Levellers' Lane past her grandmother's rowan, the witches' pond, the still-for-s...
by TrevorConway
Tue Sep 08, 2020 1:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hazelwood Pitch
Replies: 4
Views: 127

Re: Hazelwood Pitch

Many thanks for all the feedback, Not, Mac and Perry. Great to get it, and lots to consider when I get the space and time to do so.

Fair play to ye. I hope to get commenting again on poems soon. I haven't had much time to be active lately.

Chat soon,

T
by TrevorConway
Tue Aug 25, 2020 7:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hazelwood Pitch
Replies: 4
Views: 127

Hazelwood Pitch

Studs bruise the dirt below this thick grass, a million cups of shadow stamped in a Calry season. Some could be mine, though two decades have passed since I endured the sky’s moods with blue and yellow tight to my back. There, I rose like a wave in the wind, plucked the ball from the air, turned sha...
by TrevorConway
Thu Aug 20, 2020 11:51 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Gardener (v4)
Replies: 11
Views: 331

Re: The Gardener (v4)

You're welcome, Not. It'd work better than the repetition for me, though my instinct tells me this poem probably works best as a fairly straightforward character sketch, in which case the whole idea of "they say" somehow seems to detract from that.

T
by TrevorConway
Wed Aug 19, 2020 6:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) 2021 - revision3
Replies: 22
Views: 433

Re: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) 2021 - revision3

No prob, Mac. Haha, hope you and Mrs Mac like Galway if ye go. It's a special spot.

T
by TrevorConway
Wed Aug 19, 2020 5:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) 2021 - revision3
Replies: 22
Views: 433

Re: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) 2021 - revision3

Hi Mac, Sorry to complicate things for you, but I think I prefer the original version of them all. It's a poem that needs more detail rather than cutting out detail (except for any weak/uninteresting detail, of course). It had a nice atmosphere, but more context/detail would give me a clearer pictur...
by TrevorConway
Wed Aug 19, 2020 5:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Gardener (v4)
Replies: 11
Views: 331

Re: The Gardener (v4)

Hey Not, The repeated refrain didn't work for me. Felt like it kept the gardener at a distance. I'm not sure I got your intention with this poem. Anyway, suggestions made/incorporated below. Hope it helps. T Gardener The gardener who sows the seeds of doubt has loamy eyes, viridian thumbs, a tendril...
by TrevorConway
Thu Aug 13, 2020 7:08 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Galway
Replies: 5
Views: 504

Re: Galway

Ha, thanks, Mac!

You should visit sometime. Galway is a special town, hence the poem :D
by TrevorConway
Tue Aug 11, 2020 8:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Galway
Replies: 5
Views: 504

Re: Galway

Thanks a million, Not and Mac. Very helpful stuff there. Lots to mull over!

T
by TrevorConway
Tue Aug 04, 2020 8:27 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: My Struggle
Replies: 3
Views: 666

Re: My Struggle

Hi Poet, I agree that it's too melodramatic. Removing exclamation marks should help counteract that, as well as going for more description rather than forcing the tone. Example: Just a man, tossed in a hospital as if [Leave the detail that it's a mental hospital for a bit later, thus giving a feelin...
by TrevorConway
Mon Aug 03, 2020 8:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Galway
Replies: 5
Views: 504

Galway

By the fountain of Eyre Square and the writhing flags of fourteen tribes, you hear a woman warn of sin till you feel the subtle slant of Shop Street, umbrellas held at sides, where sallow-skinned ladies hug Oscar Wilde. The beaten skin of a drum booms as sculpted piglets suckle sand; a Traveller boy...
by TrevorConway
Mon Aug 03, 2020 8:51 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: From This to That
Replies: 7
Views: 793

Re: From This to That

Hi Perry, I don't think this poem needs to "say" anything in particular. It's a well-made character sketch, in my opinion. Some specifics below. All the best, T For twenty years my mother brought her lunch to work in Rubbermaid trays she would pop into the lunch-room microwave. Somehow I was lucky e...
by TrevorConway
Sun Aug 02, 2020 7:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Fourteen Months of Photos
Replies: 6
Views: 697

Re: Fourteen Months of Photos

Hi YDS, Thanks very much for your feedback. It's very much appreciated. Regarding the sparks, I hoped to get across the idea that the curls are the whole curls/clumps of hair, while the sparks are the tips of the curls. I've since placed a line between them, though I suspect it doesn't make much dif...
by TrevorConway
Wed Jul 22, 2020 6:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Fourteen Months of Photos
Replies: 6
Views: 697

Re: Fourteen Months of Photos

Thanks very much for all the feedback, Tristan, Not and Mac. Great to get yere fresh perspectives on it. I'll definitely change the ending a lot, and probably other bits. The ending was meant to convey the idea of not being able to show the child/enable her to somehow experience our past as a couple...
by TrevorConway
Thu Jul 16, 2020 8:00 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Waiting for God Knows
Replies: 3
Views: 604

Re: Waiting for God Knows

Hi Not, Pretty entertaining poem, though I'm not that familiar with British politics, so I'd imagine I'm not getting the full effect. I think the rhythm and tone work for the subject, but the length is just way too short to get much across. I think it's crying out for development. Could be more than...
by TrevorConway
Wed Jul 15, 2020 2:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Fourteen Months of Photos
Replies: 6
Views: 697

Fourteen Months of Photos

To think of how your inky eyes unclouded to allow confessions of light, and through the months, your face thinned, your timid chin striking out on its own. Pictures whisper, “see how she’s grown, her skin gorging on milk and sleep,” and all those curls we coveted would finally offer their sparks to ...
by TrevorConway
Tue Jul 14, 2020 6:58 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Identity Politics
Replies: 7
Views: 698

Re: Identity Politics

No bother, Tristan. Glad to help.

Good luck with it,

T