Search found 113 matches

by TrevorConway
Fri May 29, 2020 6:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Death becomes Apparent to a Five-year-old
Replies: 0
Views: 28

Death becomes Apparent to a Five-year-old

But how? Why? Questions tumbled after the fact like a wildcat on a rocky slope. I went walking with open hands, to dream of blood and blade, a rope shaped to an eager noose. No sooner was the concept presented before my growing brain than I applied it to my parents: even they would die? When that ha...
by TrevorConway
Fri May 29, 2020 6:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Title needed
Replies: 4
Views: 60

Re: Title needed

Hey Tristan, Intriguing. I like Not's suggestion for the title and other changes. It feels like there's a bit missing in terms of the logic/development of the thought, at least to the point that it is me struggling to fully get it. So I'd suggest another verse in between, giving a bit more to go on ...
by TrevorConway
Mon May 25, 2020 8:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Never in a Month of Sundays
Replies: 1
Views: 63

Re: Never in a Month of Sundays

Hey Not, I couldn't get into this after a couple of readings. I guess if I'm gonna be totally blunt/honest, it just didn't interest me (whether that's because of the topic or the language or both, I'm not sure). Anyway, I hope this feedback isn't too discouraging. It's just good to know sometimes wh...
by TrevorConway
Sun May 24, 2020 8:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Jilted
Replies: 6
Views: 199

Re: Jilted

Hey Not, This was a treat, because of the great tone you captured. I do have some major editing suggestions, though, both for general length/tightness and because the direct references to Greek myth took away from the poem in some way, I felt. I know it's very unlikely you'd make such a drastic chan...
by TrevorConway
Sun May 24, 2020 8:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Motorway Bridge
Replies: 3
Views: 68

Re: Motorway Bridge

Hi Tony, Lots of nice elements here, I thought, such as the general tone and the Doppler effect. The third verse was actually my favourite, unlike Not, though I had a similar reaction to Not with "zooming". Something fresher could be used there. Maybe a little trimming would be okay, but nothing ser...
by TrevorConway
Sun May 24, 2020 8:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Daughter's Gift
Replies: 4
Views: 86

Re: Daughter's Gift

Thanks a million, Tony. Really appreciate your take on it.

T
by TrevorConway
Sun May 24, 2020 8:01 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Daughter's Gift
Replies: 4
Views: 86

Re: Daughter's Gift

Hey Not,

Thanks for all the feedback. Yes, it needs to be tightened up/shortened, among other things :D And will keep the need for more originality and other things in mind when revising.

Thanks very much,

T
by TrevorConway
Fri May 22, 2020 7:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Daughter's Gift
Replies: 4
Views: 86

Daughter's Gift

Dull odour, my nose swoops to her swollen nappy, wondering what lurks there. Her enigmatic smirk is no answer. Laid on the bed, towel beneath her, nappy, wipes, tissue and powder set to the side like a surgeon’s tools before I can think to begin, still hopeful she’ll spare me and reserve the worst f...
by TrevorConway
Fri May 22, 2020 11:28 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: What's the Point of Puddles? (v3)
Replies: 15
Views: 225

Re: What's the Point of Puddles?

No prob, Not. You're welcome. Okay, I read it as a pretty straightforward speculation/expectation on the "you" having forgotten it, implying potential sadness at the thought. Reading it, for me, there'd have to be italics for "have" to feel any emphasis on it, but maybe other readers would read it d...
by TrevorConway
Fri May 22, 2020 11:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: What's the Point of Puddles? (v3)
Replies: 15
Views: 225

Re: What's the Point of Puddles?

Ah, I see re s3. How about directly mentioning the encouragement? That would justify it more for me anyway:

Maybe you've forgotten
how you were told to measure your sprint
or leap high from a standing start.../or leap as high as your daddy's shoulders, etc.
by TrevorConway
Thu May 21, 2020 8:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Piper At The Gates Of Dawn (revised)
Replies: 7
Views: 137

Re: Birdies At The Gates Of Dawn

Hey Mac, Interesting idea. For such a narrative poem, it felt like the pace was way too quick. Suggestions below, anyway. See what you think. T True, back then, he was a sallow fellow [Nice opening, though "sallow" seems irrelevant. Any alternative that would better convey his character?] - mind los...
by TrevorConway
Thu May 21, 2020 8:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: What's the Point of Puddles? (v3)
Replies: 15
Views: 225

Re: What's the Point of Puddles?

Hey Not, I was pulled in by the great title. Well done on that. Lots to like here. I think the tone works quite well, and these were some of my favourite bits: ankling, Proofed against all disapproval, – what is the point of puddles if it isn't this? I thought it lost its way a bit in v5 and v6, so ...
by TrevorConway
Thu May 21, 2020 8:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Biscuits
Replies: 8
Views: 164

Re: Biscuits

Hey Mac,

Good to hear from you again. I'll keep all those suggestions in mind when revising. Thanks for your close reading of it.

T
by TrevorConway
Thu May 21, 2020 8:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Biscuits
Replies: 8
Views: 164

Re: Biscuits

Hey Tristan, Thanks a lot for getting stuck into this. I didn't aim for an extended metaphor; it's just seemed natural to refer to survival after mentioning potential extinction. Great to get your feedback on your favourite stanzas. Regarding the biscuit being too much provocation, yes, I just meant...
by TrevorConway
Tue May 19, 2020 9:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Biscuits
Replies: 8
Views: 164

Re: Biscuits

Hey Not, Appreciate the feedback on this one. Re "brisk", I wanted a sense of its clean, dry, almost severe nature in a way, and I didn't want to use a word that came at it directly. Re not following through on the first line, you felt it wasn't a "study" of the biscuit, correct? If so, any idea how...
by TrevorConway
Tue May 19, 2020 8:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Biscuits
Replies: 8
Views: 164

Re: Biscuits

Thanks a million for your input, Pauline. Some good stuff to ponder over there. You made me chuckle with "Bourbon Freeman" and "Lionel Rich Tea". Good ones :D

T
by TrevorConway
Tue May 19, 2020 7:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: the night sky V4
Replies: 8
Views: 204

Re: night sky

Hey Tristan, Very nice! I love what you did. Comes across as inventive and apt rather than gimmicky. "Not x and y" felt a bit weaker than the rest, and maybe "dot to dot" is less original than other parts as well, so it might be worth considering alternatives in the middle section, though such chang...
by TrevorConway
Sun May 17, 2020 8:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Biscuits
Replies: 8
Views: 164

Biscuits

Have you ever studied the biscuit, pondered its ubiquity, its brisk forms and textures, each a separate species: the bourbon, rich tea, the Spanish tan of the ginger nut, the albino custard cream, the digestive, fig roll, oat-proud hobnob, the jammy dodger’s flagrant spirit? Let’s talk about dipping...
by TrevorConway
Sat May 16, 2020 9:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: At a Distance
Replies: 2
Views: 76

Re: At a Distance

Hi Eira, I found this fairly generic up until verse 5, where the specific detail of the paper snowflakes felt more alive than the rest. I'd suggest removing the first 3 verses and packing more specific detail into the rest, details that could only possibly be related to the person mentioned in the p...
by TrevorConway
Sat May 16, 2020 8:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Baby Steps
Replies: 8
Views: 198

Re: Baby Steps

Hi Jackie, Thanks for your feedback on this. I didn't mean to imply resentment in verse 1, more bracing himself for taking care of a child who is about to become mobile. And I didn't mean to suggest the narrator can't walk, just suffering pains and tired (most likely connected with caring to the chi...
by TrevorConway
Sat May 16, 2020 8:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Baby Steps
Replies: 8
Views: 198

Re: Baby Steps

Hi Eira,

Thanks a lot for the feedback. Pity your original comment was lost. Very annoying! But I hope the dinner made up for it :D

T
by TrevorConway
Sat May 16, 2020 8:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Off Stage
Replies: 7
Views: 429

Re: Off Stage

Hey Tristan, All three verses were interesting to me, though very separate, as you alluded to in a comment. Connecting them up with other material was probably a consideration you already had, but if you were to consider it again and were looking at a direction to take it in based on what's here, I ...
by TrevorConway
Sat May 16, 2020 8:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: the epitaph
Replies: 9
Views: 701

Re: the epitaph

Hi Lotus, I found more to grapple onto in this poem than the other I commented on. I totally got what you were getting at in relation to the epitaph, and I really like your abstract/opaque still in general, though I wonder if just a slight twist in terms of making the language just a little less obs...
by TrevorConway
Thu May 14, 2020 11:52 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Baby Steps
Replies: 8
Views: 198

Re: Baby Steps

Hi Lotus,

Thanks for dropping by and giving your fresh take on it. Great to hear it.

Cheers,

T
by TrevorConway
Thu May 14, 2020 11:51 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: before Life was Art
Replies: 13
Views: 265

Re: before Life was Art

Hi again, Lotus, Like Not, I found the change in font at the end a bit confusing. Looking at the poem again, I find the title a bit pretentious, if I'm gonna be 100% honest, and I loved the phrases "sidewalk oligarchy" and "occult quote". More of the same would be great, and maybe "fashion statement...