Search found 198 matches

by TrevorConway
Tue Nov 24, 2020 8:30 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Native Tongue
Replies: 2
Views: 250

Native Tongue

Native Tongue Carrer d’Orosi, Tarragona I speak to Spaniards who sand the ends of their words as if to fit them together. “Perdona,” I say, “no rápido para mi”, and as I speak, they wait, amused, my slow tongue like a morning wave looting their language at random. “Goggin, goggin, dahs, goh! Degud,...
by TrevorConway
Mon Nov 16, 2020 3:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Masquerade
Replies: 3
Views: 103

Re: Masquerade

Thanks very much for the feedback, Mac and Ray. Very helpful. I think this probably needs to be developed, as well as touching up what's here.

T
by TrevorConway
Mon Nov 09, 2020 7:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Masquerade
Replies: 3
Views: 103

Masquerade

Few things fascinate a child more than brazen pretence, and when we disregard the truth, slurping absent tea or declaring a reddened thumb a nose, the laws they’ve learned have failed. Somehow, we’re preparing them to hone the art of mistrust, teaching them deceptive truths; or maybe jaded parents n...
by TrevorConway
Mon Oct 26, 2020 8:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Life, Interrupted
Replies: 5
Views: 305

Re: Life, Interrupted

Thanks, all, for the feedback. Great to get it.

Baited as in taunted, Not, yes. I suppose the antagonist is really myself, my ambitions and expectations for the day ahead. Who could stay mad at a wickle itty bitty child, eh? :D

Much appreciated, folks.

T
by TrevorConway
Mon Oct 26, 2020 8:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v6)
Replies: 17
Views: 917

Re: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v5)

Hey Not, This was great. The rhythm and rhyme worked very well throughout. It felt very complete, so I haven't really got many specific word-related suggestions. Just a few verses felt weaker than the rest, and could be ditched to strengthen the poem overall, I thought. In bold below, anyway. See wh...
by TrevorConway
Mon Oct 26, 2020 8:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Submit
Replies: 6
Views: 333

Re: Submit

Hi Ray, I prefer "Submit" as a title, although I don't think the theme would have been clear to me (literary creativity?) without the previous title and your comment that it was meta. Lots of great stuff here, though it felt a bit samey at some point. Looking back through it, I'd suggest deleting th...
by TrevorConway
Fri Oct 23, 2020 7:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Life, Interrupted
Replies: 5
Views: 305

Life, Interrupted

By noon, the day has baited me with lines half-written, a floor de-crumbed, clothes unbuttoned, nappy fastened, pulled in several directions. A child has orphaned parts of me, killing to grow, till my will is spent. I’m losing my-self, be-coming some-one else, half-satisfied and half-asleep, leaving...
by TrevorConway
Fri Oct 23, 2020 7:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: January 4th
Replies: 4
Views: 369

Re: January 4th

Hi Jackie, I wish I could offer a helpful critique, but I struggled to engage. I see others had a similar experience. Would it be worth giving some background on what you were aiming at for this poem, and maybe we could compare that with the poem as written? Might help to link things up unless you r...
by TrevorConway
Fri Oct 23, 2020 7:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Cycles
Replies: 6
Views: 604

Re: Cycles

A Jackie,

Thanks very much for giving your input and picking out specifics for me to consider.

All the best,

T
by TrevorConway
Wed Oct 21, 2020 8:41 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Forwarding
Replies: 7
Views: 475

Re: Forwarding

Yes, Not! That solves the press issue. Thanks for that. Regarding the deposit. I just wanted to get across the idea that the moving is now official, having paid the deposit on the new place, and hence action has to be taken, such as using up all the food left. Probably best leaving out the deposit a...
by TrevorConway
Tue Oct 20, 2020 11:11 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pandora's Jar
Replies: 5
Views: 321

Re: Pandora's Jar

Hi Not,

No prob. I think the title is fine, and I do like what you have in the poem. Just a bit more detail to nudge the reader towards the theme you're getting at (or at least this reader - others might understand it more). I don't think you necessarily have to sacrifice the ambiguity.

T
by TrevorConway
Mon Oct 19, 2020 7:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Forwarding
Replies: 7
Views: 475

Re: Forwarding

Thanks very much, Not, Mac, Ray and Eira. Interesting that "press" threw so many people off. Maybe "cupboard" is a more universal term for where we keep food in the kitchen? Or any alternatives? I'll see if I can get across the difference between ser and estar without being too explainy. Could be to...
by TrevorConway
Mon Oct 19, 2020 7:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pandora's Jar
Replies: 5
Views: 321

Re: Pandora's Jar

Hey Not, Intriguing. I like the set-up of the "who blames..." motif, and the repetition works for me. I found the last few verses interesting but just a touch too far towards the obscure end of the spectrum. A little more to go on in order to figure it out would make it more enjoyable, I think. I of...
by TrevorConway
Mon Oct 19, 2020 7:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Seasonal Adjustment
Replies: 7
Views: 376

Re: Seasonal Adjustment

Hi Eira, Some nice moments, but some parts felt overdone (a fault of my own at times). I found it was too focused on scene-setting, in a way that felt too monotonous. A much more interesting opening would be Listening to swallows trill in fresh grown reeds -- I rise. And I'd suggest more of the emot...
by TrevorConway
Fri Oct 16, 2020 9:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Chrysalis - revised
Replies: 10
Views: 494

Re: Chrysalis

Hi Ray, Some nice stuff here, especially the first stanza and a half or so. I felt like the shift was so big in the last half of the second verse that it was like a separate poem. I thought a fairly straightforward poem about caterpillars (since you describe them so well, with good ideas) was enough...
by TrevorConway
Thu Oct 15, 2020 4:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Forwarding
Replies: 7
Views: 475

Forwarding

Having found a home that fits his frilly criteria, even having paid a deposit, he consults his press, noting the level of his oregano jar to script his meals accordingly. With less space for books, he must decide whether he’ll ever actually read the conjugations of five hundred Spanish verbs. His di...
by TrevorConway
Tue Oct 13, 2020 8:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Four Sunday Gods -v3
Replies: 19
Views: 964

Re: Paragliders

Hi Ray, I preferred the original title. It was a fantastic title, and the repetition of are gliders between the title and first line here doesn't sit well, I think. The grammar of the bracketed line feels a bit off, hence it was quite unclear to me, two. I'm guessing you mean that the shape of the t...
by TrevorConway
Tue Oct 13, 2020 8:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Cycles
Replies: 6
Views: 604

Re: Cycles

Thanks very much for yere time and input, Not, Mac and Ray. Seems to be a consensus: I need to focus on the last verse and build from there or make the others more like it.

Much obliged, folks.

T
by TrevorConway
Thu Oct 08, 2020 5:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spinoff v3 (Too Soon)
Replies: 17
Views: 909

Re: Spinoff v2 (Too Soon)

I like the revisions, Not. Still not convinced by the ending either. Is the stealing-words idea essential to your ending? If not, could the idea of ending before something/someone has "begun" fit in any way? Vague, I know, but I can't think of anything better.

T
by TrevorConway
Thu Oct 08, 2020 12:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spinoff v3 (Too Soon)
Replies: 17
Views: 909

Re: Spinoff (Too Soon)

No prob, Not. Glad to help.

T
by TrevorConway
Wed Oct 07, 2020 8:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Cycles
Replies: 6
Views: 604

Cycles

She sniffs fabric for the faintly sour scent of sweat, determines the chosen and shrugs them off hangers, pressing under her arm a mass that twists and hardens to a lump like gathered dough. Powder seems to avalanche from cardboard box to drawer, and as the slow beast grunts into its labour, she ima...
by TrevorConway
Wed Oct 07, 2020 8:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spinoff v3 (Too Soon)
Replies: 17
Views: 909

Re: Spinoff (Too Soon)

Howdy Not, I didn't get who the subject is, but I found the phrasing enjoyable in a good few parts. There were a few parts where it felt as though the rhythm tripped up a bit (since you're clearly going for a limerick rhythm) and where you settled for something that could be improved on. It also lag...
by TrevorConway
Wed Oct 07, 2020 7:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Form
Replies: 5
Views: 1287

Re: Form

Hi Ray, Interesting comparison/shift, though I found the shift too swift. It feels like there should be at least 2 verses on writing (and 3 would probably be better). I quite liked the tone, but felt it was let down by many of the last rhymes in each verse: "Thus I did obsess", "and my handicap", "t...
by TrevorConway
Sun Oct 04, 2020 8:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Clearing
Replies: 8
Views: 1469

Re: Clearing

Hey Pauline,

Thanks very much for the feedback. Not miserable, just honest and helpful. I think it's already in the present tense, but I'll try a version in the first person, as you suggest. It might well give a better result.

Again, many thanks.

Trev
by TrevorConway
Sun Oct 04, 2020 8:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Careful
Replies: 17
Views: 1899

Re: Careful

Thanks again, Not. And thanks for your input, Ray. The anger and dissatisfaction were those of the parents. Maybe I need to make that a bit clearer, along with the reasons for the anger and dissatisfaction, although I'd imagine a fair few parents would understand the dissatisfaction part :D All the ...