Search found 22 matches

by tatterdemalion
Mon Feb 03, 2020 2:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Found Him Again on Facebook(version 3)
Replies: 7
Views: 613

Re: Found Him Again on Facebook

Hi Capricorn, this is what I'd keep. Any changes are in blue. A feather-touch on her shoulder his husky whisper - like to dance? They twisted, jived. He fed her Black Magic, lips mouthing frisky fingertips. The faded box hides his letters at the back of her wardrobe. A sandy-haired Paul McCartney, B...
by tatterdemalion
Mon Jan 27, 2020 6:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I grew up on this little island (revised)
Replies: 6
Views: 780

Re: I grew up on this little island

Thanks Macavity and Not, lots of good suggestions. Will settle down and have a think.
by tatterdemalion
Sat Jan 25, 2020 11:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I grew up on this little island (revised)
Replies: 6
Views: 780

I grew up on this little island (revised)

Revised version It rains almost every day— umbrellas unfurl like mushrooms dancing around puddles on human legs; ravens wear raindrops like pearl buttons stitched to feather overcoats. No one complains about the weather, but a rise in the price of postage stamps will start a riot. Newcomers are warn...
by tatterdemalion
Sat Jan 25, 2020 11:24 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nestling (rev2)
Replies: 12
Views: 1022

Re: The Nestling (rev1)

Hi Capricorn, interesting poem. I was most taken by the references to the child. I wondered if there were two poems here? How would they look apart, and could they still work together if separated? I made a few cuts. The breathless body tumbled from its sycamore cradle. Laying the naked hatchling in...
by tatterdemalion
Sat Jan 25, 2020 11:09 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pilot-Light
Replies: 7
Views: 900

Re: Pilot-Light

Hi ton, thought this was fun, begins with a clear image, not overwritten. There are some things I'd cut, I'd lose the last two lines, they don't add much I thought. I agree with Perry about ''he'', you need to introduce this person. I'd put his name in the title ''(Name) and the pilot light'' Its bl...
by tatterdemalion
Sat Jan 18, 2020 6:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Curiosity (v3b)
Replies: 30
Views: 2207

Re: Curiosity (v2)

Hi Not, compelling read. You've had some useful critique, and I've a few ideas. In the holidays she observed the cat, hidden by the rhododendron, shrinking I question ''observed'' followed by ''hidden'' How about ''beneath the rhododendron''? amongst dry, yellowy culms of goose grass. loved ''culms'...
by tatterdemalion
Sun Jan 12, 2020 12:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Mistaken Identity (rev 1)
Replies: 11
Views: 1015

Re: Mistaken Identity

Enjoyed this Capricorn. I agree with most of Not's suggestions. Your rhymes work for me, nothing feels too contrived, but I would consider losing one or two of the rhymes if you think Not's suggestions improve the poem. The poem has emotional depth which I think takes it beyond its form. On the subj...
by tatterdemalion
Sat Jan 11, 2020 11:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I found myself there
Replies: 7
Views: 967

Re: I found myself there

Hi Camus, I agree with ray and bjondon, their suggestions seem sound to me, especially concerning ''then to avoidance'' I think the door going unanswered suggests that much, unless I'm missing something. I tripped up the first time I read the first line, it might seem small but starting the first li...
by tatterdemalion
Sat Jan 11, 2020 11:00 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: This Can't Be Real
Replies: 13
Views: 919

Re: This Can't Be Real

Poet, Sid is right, do more research in Trump, or into military interventions. I'd go with Trump, focus on him, research, research and write down what excites you, moves you. I still think the title is a good starting point, but the poem still isn't working (I noticed you posted a revised poem but t...
by tatterdemalion
Sat Jan 11, 2020 10:48 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Milk Thief
Replies: 5
Views: 506

Re: The Milk Thief

Hi Poet, there are ideas here that interest me. For me the poem is a first draft, needs to be edited, reworked to focus on what works. For example, the first lines sound clumsy to my ear. ''I sneak to go and drink milk, In the middle of the night.'' I'd cut ''go'' it isn't needed, and add a detail, ...
by tatterdemalion
Sat Jan 11, 2020 10:37 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Safe Sex
Replies: 9
Views: 815

Re: Courtship

I like the sound of this Ray, the rhymes work for me. Fun, Clever too.
by tatterdemalion
Sat Jan 11, 2020 9:53 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I don't believe in poets (Revised v2)
Replies: 18
Views: 1674

Re: I don't believe in poets (Revised)

Thanks Silent, ''petitioned'' is better, thanks. Poet, no, I wouldn't waste my time. I wrote that just for fun. Not, thanks again, those ideas are all interesting and I will have a think. To answer the other question, who are these poets? There have been a rash of adverts on British TV where poetry ...
by tatterdemalion
Wed Jan 08, 2020 6:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: This Can't Be Real
Replies: 13
Views: 919

Re: This Can't Be Real

Hi, I really like your title. Good starting point, but what follows isn't manic enough for me. There's a hint of panic in the title, I'd like to see that in the poem. I'd suggest a rewrite, and exaggerate everything, shamelessly. Really have fun with this.
by tatterdemalion
Wed Jan 08, 2020 6:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I don't believe in poets (Revised v2)
Replies: 18
Views: 1674

Re: I don't believe in poets (Revised)

Hi Silent Lotus. It's Dave B. Thanks for pointing me toward Poets' Graves.
by tatterdemalion
Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I don't believe in poets (Revised v2)
Replies: 18
Views: 1674

Re: I don't believe in poets

Thanks Not, the first half does have more punch. I like how you present the lines. I was going with how I'd read the lines, line ending indicating a pause. I know someone who writes their work out this way before they give readings.Another friend of mine is always suggesting I write longer lines. Sh...
by tatterdemalion
Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Repaired v2
Replies: 16
Views: 1081

Re: Repaired v2

Hi Not, to answer your question, the origin of the second half of ''tatterdemalion'' is unknown. I once read somewhere that the word first appeared in an old English poem. The poet may have made it up. It sounds great, that's why it's one of my favourite words, along with katzenjammer, I could go on.
by tatterdemalion
Mon Jan 06, 2020 7:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I don't believe in poets (Revised v2)
Replies: 18
Views: 1674

I don't believe in poets (Revised v2)

Revised version 2 I don’t believe in poets who go on television and play the part of the celebrity, with a book to promote, whose voice narrates the cartoon cat trying to sell me car insurance; the poet who drinks a bottle of whisky for breakfast and fucks about, who gives up their day job because s...
by tatterdemalion
Mon Jan 06, 2020 6:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flood
Replies: 12
Views: 949

Re: Flood

Hi Richard, these are the parts that stand out for me. silence is the Chapel where I saw you last. A shroud turned down reveals your face; a floating photograph, the background fading first. A chance to kiss your hair, gravity and scentless time pause as my words brim then stop, What can I touch? I ...
by tatterdemalion
Mon Jan 06, 2020 6:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Repaired v2
Replies: 16
Views: 1081

Re: Repaired v2

Hi Not, came back to this today and reread. A thought came to me.One game I like to play with a poem is seeing how it reads in reverse. I tried it out with ''Repaired v2'' Hear yourself, younger, wonder- filled, and laughing, whole again.Now you gasp, when it is returned to you in what seems an inst...
by tatterdemalion
Sun Jan 05, 2020 6:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Aubergine (revision)
Replies: 10
Views: 896

Re: Aubergine (revision)

Ton this is a fun read. I'm getting hints of ''This is just to say'' by William Carlos Williams. Yes, I think the revision works better, but I'd push further, edit some more to really focus of the sensual details. I've underlined any word changes. Your black latex dress slightly wet to the touch sti...
by tatterdemalion
Sun Jan 05, 2020 6:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Mudmen
Replies: 8
Views: 804

Re: The Mudmen

Hi ton, this is fun. You say this is about how it sounds, yes I get that. These are the lines that work for me. I'm not saying this is the poem, it's just what catches my ear. We trudge through sludge and crud Morning brings moaning, groaning, gurning- Earth has worth, is Frankinscence, myrrh and go...
by tatterdemalion
Sun Jan 05, 2020 6:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Green Friday
Replies: 15
Views: 1289

Re: Green Friday

Hi Ray, interesting read, poems and comments. I'd like to suggest a more radical revision. I had a bash, starting where the action is clearest. I'm not saying take this as a rewrite, it's just an experiment. I've underlined any major changes. Rowan is taking some photos, I’m mostly obscured by a pla...