Search found 45 matches

by Gypsy Cake
Sat Jan 16, 2010 1:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Time spent without
Replies: 9
Views: 728

Re: Time spent without

O. I think I can see my error now. When I read the first lines I always read them in the first person when of course the poem is written in the third person. I don't know if that's why it's wrong but thank you all for the correction.
by Gypsy Cake
Sat Jan 16, 2010 1:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Sunday
Replies: 8
Views: 799

Re: Sunday

Hello Craig A good first stanza that sets up what's to come. Then comes my favourite stanza in the whole piece: "We’ll sit without a care in the world Sip by sip the drinks somehow know? The papers tell a story from page to page Sooner or later we’ll be too old for anything to show. " A very strong ...
by Gypsy Cake
Sat Jan 16, 2010 12:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Double entendre.
Replies: 4
Views: 330

Re: Double entendre.

A wonderful read and I would love to see more of your friend's poetry on the forum.
:)
by Gypsy Cake
Sat Jan 16, 2010 12:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Temple Cherita
Replies: 9
Views: 1691

Re: Temple Cherita

Thank you for such a detailed response. Your questions underlying the poem are powerful and I like.
I also hadn't heard of the Cherita format, and would agree that you have made fantastic use of it.
:)
by Gypsy Cake
Sat Jan 16, 2010 12:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Time spent without
Replies: 9
Views: 728

Re: Time spent without

Thank you all for your constructive criticism and praise. Looking at it again, I can see your point greenvalentine. It certainly wouldn't do any harm to remove "oh" though peter gives a good reason to keep it. I'm not one to re-write, that's what I felt worked at the time when I was attempting to sh...
by Gypsy Cake
Tue Jan 12, 2010 9:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Time spent without
Replies: 9
Views: 728

Time spent without

Oh, the time spent with. They hold and fizz. A touch, a firework, A summery skirt Make the picture in his. Oh, back together. The scenery blurs. A tease, a white lie, A summery tie Make the picture in hers. This picture just a flicker. This memory a lick. Enough to enforce the yearning Awaiting thei...
by Gypsy Cake
Tue Jan 12, 2010 9:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: for my friend
Replies: 7
Views: 549

Re: for my friend

hello Wonderful sporadic rhyming pattern; worked a treat. I also love some of the links between coupled words such as "tumble" and "down", "head" and "lap", "bed and "chest". I'm not saying I think these pairings have any meaning or purpose but that they go nicely together. And in a poem that make m...
by Gypsy Cake
Tue Jan 12, 2010 9:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Temple Cherita
Replies: 9
Views: 1691

Re: Temple Cherita

hello arunansu Great content; the combination of charity and religion is an inseperable one and it's nice to see it used in a poem. There are many positive points of style that stood out to me but also one that confused. Why did you decide to leave the empty line after the first line? Is it to mark ...
by Gypsy Cake
Sat Jun 16, 2007 10:32 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Mary Magdalene Receives the Sacrament
Replies: 15
Views: 5929

When I saw the title of this poem I was worried that someone such as myself-who knows little about religion-would not be able to understand the poem. However I read it anyway and found that you have done a fantastic job of keeping the meaning clear. Furthermore, to me at least, you have explained th...
by Gypsy Cake
Mon Jun 11, 2007 4:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Dirty Laundry
Replies: 7
Views: 1112

I like it. It reads quickly and easily. Good simple imagery that allows breif humorous thoughts to flick through one's mind. As with geoff and dave, I commense to deliberate seems a bit out of place. I tried reading round and decided that in my opinion that line could be simply left out. This was my...
by Gypsy Cake
Sat Jun 02, 2007 5:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: 8
Replies: 8
Views: 1157

Okay, a fair response and something I find myself doing at times. I think I'm still right in saying that the second stanza relates perfectly to your point but the first stanza sort of throws one off the scent---leading to misunderstanding. I think it might work better to swap the stanzas...meh. Perh...
by Gypsy Cake
Sat Jun 02, 2007 11:50 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: 8
Replies: 8
Views: 1157

It may be just me(as I often find myself putting this) but I find it unclear what your talking about. Is it about the insignificance of humans?? "you hesitated. Beyond these unfriendly mountains there are more mountains," love the repitition here. "encouraged by each others presence and attached to ...
by Gypsy Cake
Fri Jun 01, 2007 8:50 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Unchosen Unity
Replies: 10
Views: 1604

Cheers og. I dont tend to change poems; I find that quite hard-- but I will definetly bear what you said in mind for future poems. I especially think the idea of bringing in individual moments to help put the point the cross is a good one and to be honest something I've never really thought about. T...
by Gypsy Cake
Thu May 31, 2007 12:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Unchosen Unity
Replies: 10
Views: 1604

In response

Thankyou for your comments. Okay, first I'll address the issue of passion. It is a poem personal to me but I've only started writing recently and still think to much instead of just writing how I feel. In the poem, I am talking about my dad but I didn't make that clear. I dont think that particularl...
by Gypsy Cake
Wed May 30, 2007 12:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Unchosen Unity
Replies: 10
Views: 1604

Unchosen Unity

Once born, we were together. No matter how alike, or not; together. Love is not the right word, for Love is not mandatory. There is No obligation to love someone. No. What we have is not love. For the moment at least It’s necessity. Unfortunately; Not a comfortable one. But still I have no choice; I...
by Gypsy Cake
Tue May 29, 2007 9:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: On the Shores of Amerikay (2)
Replies: 10
Views: 1566

I love this poem. Long but the structure makes it so easy to read. What seems to me as spontaneous rhyming fits in really well with the impatience of the solider. I think there's too much swearing. In my opinion, swearing should be kept to a minimum in poetry. But this isn't the reason I dislike it ...
by Gypsy Cake
Tue May 29, 2007 9:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Love's Loss is a Poem's Gain
Replies: 6
Views: 1314

love the title. No time for full critique but just wanted to compliment.
Hope nobody minds.
by Gypsy Cake
Mon May 07, 2007 10:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A night in the garden.
Replies: 15
Views: 2671

I can see nothing wrong with this. I just wish to compliment you on a good poem.
by Gypsy Cake
Sun May 06, 2007 9:06 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Good Old Cup Of Tea.
Replies: 5
Views: 1180

Very good. Such a good topic to pick; it brings back all the feelings when you get that cuppa. I can only fault one point: "satisfaction I belong" .. It tripped me up when I was reading because I wondered what it meant. I'm thinking maybe "to this tradition I belong" neways I loved except for that m...
by Gypsy Cake
Sat May 05, 2007 4:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: crooked tiles
Replies: 6
Views: 1135

Nice. A wide range of vocab. I think that you were trying to hide the fact you were looking in the mirror until the end. This doesn't work if the title is 'reflection'; it was the first thing I expected. I'm not quite sure what your sad about; is it that your growing old? I'm not sure. Anyways I pic...
by Gypsy Cake
Tue Apr 24, 2007 4:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Handful Of Sand
Replies: 7
Views: 1430

I would say this poem stands out to me very much. I found it interesting and well-written. I think the point of individual ideas of life came across really well. I found that I didn't notice the rhyming until the last stanza; which to me makes sense. The rhyme sort of represents how much of others' ...
by Gypsy Cake
Tue Apr 24, 2007 4:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Lydia
Replies: 7
Views: 1562

Very ineresting change of style. Makes interesting but I think you probably lose some effect of the first stanza. Still as with og I very much liked the line "orbits were gum".

Very good, intruiged to see what style your next poem is.

Dec.
by Gypsy Cake
Wed Apr 18, 2007 7:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ganesha bathes ( REVISED )
Replies: 7
Views: 1416

heya, cool poem I love your use of vocabulary, amazing imagery: "having years folded in his wrinkles ", "After the long rollicking hour, ascending effortfully from his bath he takes the habituated path," I would however like to comment, that imho, the story is either not strong or unclear. Don't tak...
by Gypsy Cake
Tue Apr 17, 2007 7:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Fire Moth
Replies: 15
Views: 2732

Beautifully simple. The first stanza was a very strong sound and I would've left it there. The second is ok and neccessary for the story but just doesn't continue the same fortitude as the first.

I think you show amazing potential and can't wait to read your next poem.
Dec
by Gypsy Cake
Sat Apr 14, 2007 7:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: I travelled back in time today
Replies: 6
Views: 1255

Good good. The rhyme worked well. imho though there's too much on the going back then suddenly one stanza on going foward. I don't know, perhaps you could have at least one intermediate step in which you refer to how you see the world now. But yeah, thought the structure, use of word, technique were...