Search found 14 matches

by Alexander71
Tue Sep 10, 2019 7:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: It started with a Selfie
Replies: 14
Views: 1508

Re: It started with a Selfie

Looks like it's IPTO time again. It's been a while. IPTO? You could ask an old-stager here, or I could just tell you (and I will) - it means that I prefer the original. So often my mantra, and it's applicable here. I prefer the sequencing in the original. And I prefer the original title too. (More ...
by Alexander71
Tue Sep 10, 2019 7:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: It started with a Selfie
Replies: 14
Views: 1508

Re: It started with a Selfie

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Mon Sep 09, 2019 11:57 am
Alexander71 wrote:
Sun Sep 08, 2019 7:42 pm
Understood, though why not have her making a doll that looks like herself?
.
An option for sure Not; I'll reflect on it. Thanks.
by Alexander71
Tue Sep 10, 2019 7:20 pm
Forum: Hello, Good Evening and Welcome
Topic: Alex says hi
Replies: 3
Views: 4438

Re: Alex says hi

Tristan, mac- thank you both for the welcome. Alex
by Alexander71
Mon Sep 09, 2019 11:00 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Different Stations
Replies: 14
Views: 1334

Re: Different Stations

I have two readings of this. Without metaphor, the Narrator and Subject occupy separate beds (different physical stations) although even this picks up an allusion to S and N being on different wavelengths. With metaphor the N and S occupy the bed, one tuned to a radio station and the other tuned to ...
by Alexander71
Sun Sep 08, 2019 10:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Cheapside protocol
Replies: 10
Views: 1482

Re: The Cheapside protocol

Falstaff being directly referenced in the theme of all 5 stanzas I take the protocol to be a diagnostic one for the harmless foolishness that characterises him. It has to be the original character apparently as the Orson Welles enactment is too late. The similarity to age related dementia is tucked ...
by Alexander71
Sun Sep 08, 2019 7:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: It started with a Selfie
Replies: 14
Views: 1508

Re: It started with a Selfie

I'd drop the first 3 lines, it seems like unnecessary commentary to me. Maybe focus on the doll as the recipient of all the hurts, rather than the person. Otherwise, why introduce the doll at all? Thank you Ray. Consensus opinion, including mine now, is that the first three lines go. The image of a...
by Alexander71
Sun Sep 08, 2019 7:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: It started with a Selfie
Replies: 14
Views: 1508

Re: It started with a Selfie

. For instance, given the changes, what purpose does the (narrator's) selfie serve? Do you still need it? If the revised opening (Brevity is a Reason for Strangers) wasn't so long it would make an excellent title. . Thank you for taking time with this Not. Sometimes I forget to question every word....
by Alexander71
Sun Sep 08, 2019 7:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: It started with a Selfie
Replies: 14
Views: 1508

Re: It started with a Selfie

1lankest wrote:
Sun Sep 08, 2019 12:11 pm
Enjoyed this, Alexander. Good imagist stuff.
Preferred the revision but I would drop the unnecessary prelim at the start,
Luke, I think you are right; the first bit can go. Thank you.
by Alexander71
Sat Sep 07, 2019 9:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: It started with a Selfie
Replies: 14
Views: 1508

Re: It started with a Selfie

Mac, thank you for the close reading. A couple of minor points haven't come across as I intended so your feedback will help me in a revision. The subject is a friend who isn't well-grounded and sometimes engages in submissive behaviour, not so much for the endorphin release (though that is there) bu...
by Alexander71
Sat Sep 07, 2019 8:50 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: It started with a Selfie
Replies: 14
Views: 1508

Re: It started with a Selfie

. 'spice of life' - the cliché really weakens the piece for me, it's difficult to ignore. 'four on your back' - is an awkward construction, but might work better after lips' 'filled lips' - why not 'bruised' or 'swollen' or ... something interesting? 'and hair' - I think this would work better with...
by Alexander71
Fri Sep 06, 2019 3:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Reading People (V6)
Replies: 12
Views: 1296

Re: Reading People

I too like the idea but the metaphor isn't coming through. I understand the opening though - I have frequently parted with a tenner just for two lines in a poem that I read over and over again. Alex
by Alexander71
Fri Sep 06, 2019 2:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A history teacher’s appraisal by his pupils (Version 3)
Replies: 22
Views: 2368

Re: A history teacher’s appraisal by his pupils (Version 3)

I really enjoyed the inventive scenario for this. The only nit I had was that the last stanza is now detached from its verb so it took me a few reads to realise the 'that' was not demonstrative. Maybe a comma or semi-colon after 'legacy' would help. Alex
by Alexander71
Fri Sep 06, 2019 2:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: It started with a Selfie
Replies: 14
Views: 1508

It started with a Selfie

Revision with new title: Sharing the Guilt brevity of life is the reason for strangers and their forgotten tally in the selfie your head is on another shoulder your hands kneading putty making a doll full of pins and self-destruction later you snapped limbs at the knee and elbow arranging flowers fo...
by Alexander71
Fri Sep 06, 2019 2:41 pm
Forum: Hello, Good Evening and Welcome
Topic: Alex says hi
Replies: 3
Views: 4438

Alex says hi

Hi, I've been writing since I was 4 so it's not surprising I've gone a bit stale recently. I have been posting on other forums and that has been part of the staleness so I have come here to look for new interactions and new points of view. For those who like to imagine the author at work I'm retired...