Search found 18 matches

by Ravallion
Wed Sep 12, 2018 8:57 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Penitent
Replies: 9
Views: 1420

Re: The Penitent

Thank you very much guys. In another incarnation there is a different ending.

I found it difficult to sustain the pace.
My goal was to NOT retell the well known story.

Im im agreement with all the suggestions and will apply them before I send this out.

You guys definitely don't disappoint
by Ravallion
Wed Sep 12, 2018 8:52 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The First Time I Drank With My Father
Replies: 14
Views: 1861

Re: The First Time I Drank With My Father

Thank you so much guys.

Excellent comments
by Ravallion
Mon Sep 10, 2018 10:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Penitent
Replies: 9
Views: 1420

The Penitent

Off Joppa, a gale siezed us in its churn. Each man cried to his own god, employed the implements of his worship: The rattle of bone dice, Terta Cotta figurines, the letting of blood. Water from the blowhole fell like a tepid rain. The great unblinking eye, the lateral roll, its jaw hinged and I was ...
by Ravallion
Mon Sep 10, 2018 7:41 pm
Forum: Hello, Good Evening and Welcome
Topic: Hello
Replies: 8
Views: 3947

Re: Hello

Hello Ravallion, I'm curious to know which forums you may have frequented from 2004 to 2007. Those were my most active years on BBC GetWriting and its various spin offs. I wouldn't dare cross pens with David though, he's a moderator so I'd end up as a banned poet pelt. I'm sure that's not true but ...
by Ravallion
Mon Sep 10, 2018 6:02 pm
Forum: Hello, Good Evening and Welcome
Topic: Hello
Replies: 8
Views: 3947

Re: Hello

Thanks for the cordiality David. Most of the forums of the old days are gone . Alsop Review, Melic, Blueline are where I first began...
by Ravallion
Mon Sep 10, 2018 10:59 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The First Time I Drank With My Father
Replies: 14
Views: 1861

Re: The First Time I Drank With My Father

Perry. No the reader wont have a clue ✌
by Ravallion
Mon Sep 10, 2018 10:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: noli illegitimi carborundum
Replies: 9
Views: 1605

Re: noli illegitimi carborundum

Ah. Very clever indeed. Ive worked with those grinding disks.

I have no suggestions. You accomplished all you intended imho.

If this is real world, Id love to be there when you show it to whomever is its
inspiration. * unless it is self directed& Excellent job✌

Let's get pissed indeed
by Ravallion
Mon Sep 10, 2018 10:48 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: the Voice from the Postcards
Replies: 8
Views: 1658

Re: the Voice from the Postcards

Wistful. Is the opening line original? If so I recommend not making it a separate part as if a quote from a third party. Since we're given only two attributes of "her" , they should be powerful, succinct and unequivocally bold. Her love......imposter. Good. Does not carry over with her accent. I sug...
by Ravallion
Mon Sep 10, 2018 10:23 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The First Time I Drank With My Father
Replies: 14
Views: 1861

Re: The First Time I Drank With My Father

Thanks all. Many insightful comments. As an aside, the Liberation was the stated goal of D Day at Normandy U.S. Army printed posters showing seductive French girls who were "waiting" on American soldiers as a means to motivate the GI's. From August 19- 25th, hundreds of rapes and assaults against Fr...
by Ravallion
Sun Sep 09, 2018 5:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The First Time I Drank With My Father
Replies: 14
Views: 1861

Re: The First Time I Drank With My Father

Thanks Not. Bed clothes are indeed pajamas.
There are poems I think benefit form couplets, tercets, etc. No harm in it *except* when content is sacrificed to form.

The balance of your comments wilk be given consideration, and I thank you for a good, balanced critique
by Ravallion
Sun Sep 09, 2018 5:06 pm
Forum: Hello, Good Evening and Welcome
Topic: Hello
Replies: 8
Views: 3947

Re: Hello

Thanks Mac
by Ravallion
Sun Sep 09, 2018 3:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The First Time I Drank With My Father
Replies: 14
Views: 1861

The First Time I Drank With My Father

Nurses wash you with long hair  trailing over ribs and rigging, faint blue outline  of a Spanish tri-master on custard colored skin. In the Liberation of '44 you sailed the Champs Ellysees with the swagger of conquest.  Women jostled to be first to touch your face, kiss your hand, litter your path w...
by Ravallion
Sun Sep 09, 2018 2:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Rug Man
Replies: 13
Views: 1434

Re: The Rug Man

Spot on depiction of "emotional vampirism, we all are guilty from time-to- time. Western culture sexualizes everything .This is frank and honest work.
by Ravallion
Sun Sep 09, 2018 2:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Getting One's Affairs In Order (Revision 2 formerly Cognitions)
Replies: 11
Views: 1847

Re: Cognitions

. It's my excuse for writing and sharing rubbish poetry. :)

Nothing is ever rubbish. The poems I wrote early on embarass me now.

But they are father to the godd poems✌
by Ravallion
Sat Sep 08, 2018 9:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Vespers
Replies: 12
Views: 2184

Re: Vespers

Good title. Ive read your responses.
The poem may be too abstract for the reader to be there with you. The failed state might actually belong in another poem.

I get where you're going, I just think you're a revision or two away from taking the reader with you✌
by Ravallion
Sat Sep 08, 2018 9:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Getting One's Affairs In Order (Revision 2 formerly Cognitions)
Replies: 11
Views: 1847

Re: Cognitions

I suppose this to be a release of some kind. It's bare bones are well- picked.
Not much meat for the poor reader.

Unzip this puppy. There is some cleverness here.
by Ravallion
Sat Sep 08, 2018 9:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Wadi (V3)
Replies: 16
Views: 1839

Re: The Wadi (revised)

This is well conceived. To my eye, your second revision is more concise.I would reconsider about "chink in drought's armor." It's cliche enough to detract,but not enough to throw one out of the poem I don't know what your goals are, but were it my poem, I would not hesitate to submit it for publicat...
by Ravallion
Sat Sep 08, 2018 8:58 pm
Forum: Hello, Good Evening and Welcome
Topic: Hello
Replies: 8
Views: 3947

Hello

I've been posting on poetry forums over 20 years.I credit them not for teaching me how to be a poet, but for how to compose a good poem. Most of the emphasis in those forums was on publishing. I was terrified to send my first poem.It was accepted quickly. I'm here to learn like everyone else, presum...