Search found 244 matches

by Mirrorball
Sun Nov 18, 2018 6:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Romantic Break (Revision)
Replies: 33
Views: 2712

Re: Romantic Break (Revision)

Ray, you're absolutely right, Mrs Mb didn't find the cow romantic in the slightest. She'd rather see red roses and blue violets.
by Mirrorball
Sun Nov 18, 2018 3:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Romantic Break (Revision)
Replies: 33
Views: 2712

Re: Romantic Break (Revision)

The irony is I'm writing poetry in short gaps between mundane chores and tending to the needs of under 5s. I could call myself a new age romantic daddy. Anyway.... Mac, I'm hoping to humour you now with an ing-jam rather than a with-jam. :) David, I don't like to post too many revisions when I'm tur...
by Mirrorball
Sun Nov 18, 2018 12:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Romantic Break (Revision)
Replies: 33
Views: 2712

Re: Romantic Break (Revision)

Thanks David, I'm no great beat counter but I do try to iron out awkwardness.

I've tried a variation on the last line. Does it scan better?
by Mirrorball
Sun Nov 18, 2018 10:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Romantic Break (Revision)
Replies: 33
Views: 2712

Re: Romantic Break (Revision)

Morning Mac, I wanted to pair different images for version 1 in line with other recommendations but, thinking about it, the pots are a better link between the poems than 'just like at home'. Perhaps This would be an improvement for L1? We wash the pots, there's tables to wipe and crumbs on the floor...
by Mirrorball
Sat Nov 17, 2018 8:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Romantic Break (Revision)
Replies: 33
Views: 2712

Re: Romantic Break (Revision)

Thanks Mac, that's a very helpful crit again. I hope I've addressed your comments with my new revision. In S1 of his poem I'm looking to more subtle internal rhymes and then a crescendo of couplets in S2. I considered doing it the other way round (end rhymes being the routine and predictable) but de...
by Mirrorball
Fri Nov 16, 2018 8:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: May Miller
Replies: 27
Views: 1896

Re: May Miller

I agree with the others Perry, this is very accomplished and as good as anything I've read in here. It also strikes me as ironic that you're looking to polish it too :) Here's my suggest for the line you're tinkering with Mac: To sit on the couch and read? Like most of us, she wanted a chance to mak...
by Mirrorball
Fri Nov 16, 2018 7:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Losing Dad
Replies: 15
Views: 1231

Re: Losing Dad

Ray, I really like this poem too for all the reasons others have mentioned.

Possible alternative opening line:

His prized possession was seldom mislaid:
a Racehorses annual bought for The Flat.
One day this’ll fetch ten times what I paid!
By then it had cost us much more than that.
by Mirrorball
Fri Nov 16, 2018 2:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Silver Hare (after Cowper) [formerly Wild and Silver Hair]
Replies: 7
Views: 992

Re: Wild and Silver Hair (after Cowper)

Hi Jules, I'm not familiar enough with Cowper to get the link but I like the poem and it stands alone as a good piece, there's beauty in age too (I wonder if Perry is reading this). My nits: in S2 'she seems' implies she might not want to play her part. If that's you intent I wonder if there a bette...
by Mirrorball
Fri Nov 16, 2018 2:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Romantic Break (Revision)
Replies: 33
Views: 2712

Re: Weekend Break (revision of poem formally known as Holiday Romance)

Thanks Not, I like the idea of a pair of poems too. Shame it wasn't mine. I think you're right, I need to mix up the first one a bit. I wonder how I can do that on here without making the opening post messy. I agree with you and Ray that pots needs to go. Jules, 'starting the come alive' is a big ac...
by Mirrorball
Fri Nov 16, 2018 2:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Griffon Vulture: Randazzo Museum of Natural Sciences (revision)
Replies: 15
Views: 1254

Re: Griffon Vulture: Randazzo Museum of Natural Sciences

Trust Not to know what Not quite is for when the rest of us aren't sure. Perhaps you could put the opening line in italics too? Another great poem Luke, I can picture the exhibit very well, your sophisticated backdrop and vocabulary shines through as always. The students reminded me of vultures too ...
by Mirrorball
Thu Nov 15, 2018 3:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Proper Job (final revision)
Replies: 26
Views: 1948

Re: A Proper Job

I enjoyed this too Moth, He calls himself a full-time poet; have you ever?....... (has he ever worked I wonder?) Published? Yes. Acclaimed? It has been said....(did you consider a line break after Yes?) when on the money, washer-dryer clunking out (not sure I get 'when on the money') his child's ass...
by Mirrorball
Thu Nov 15, 2018 3:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Romantic Break (Revision)
Replies: 33
Views: 2712

Re: Weekend Break (revision of poem formally known as Holiday Romance)

Moth, thanks for coming back and I really like your suggestion

Question is: did I get him and her the right way round? I think I did. :)

And can I get away with dropping romance/romantic?
by Mirrorball
Thu Nov 15, 2018 12:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Romantic Break (Revision)
Replies: 33
Views: 2712

Weekend Break (was Holiday Romance)

Thanks very much JJ and Moth, Hmmm, I think I prefer the original title too because the ambiguity could imply there's something else going on. The relationship could go one of two ways after L5 and bestiality would be so far fetched that I don't need to rule it out with a new title. I shall ponder w...
by Mirrorball
Thu Nov 15, 2018 10:59 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Romantic Break (Revision)
Replies: 33
Views: 2712

Re: A Romantic Holiday Picture

Mac, I could take it in this direction but it would be cheating (I'd need my own words largely): When all at once I saw a crowd A host blue bottles... I gazed—like cow—with little thought, What wealth the show to me had brought: For oft, when on our bed we lie In vacant or in pensive mood, They flas...
by Mirrorball
Thu Nov 15, 2018 7:52 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Romantic Break (Revision)
Replies: 33
Views: 2712

Re: A Romantic Holiday Picture

Thanks Mac, that could be the way to go. The real cow did stare with interest then turned around. A number of flies from its backside entered the cottage and we spent the next couple of days trying to get rid of them. It made a good photo though and raised a smile after my wife had complained earlie...
by Mirrorball
Thu Nov 15, 2018 7:42 am
Forum: Post Visual Art
Topic: Wedding day
Replies: 4
Views: 598

Re: Wedding day

Thanks for taking a look Ross. yes, I used it as an avatar but the detail was lost. In fact there's a fair bit of detail lost on this version compared to the original at 10MB. It was taken by a wedding photographer, I do like my photography but I don't have the equipment for taking these kind of pic...
by Mirrorball
Wed Nov 14, 2018 9:17 pm
Forum: Post Visual Art
Topic: Wedding day
Replies: 4
Views: 598

Re: Wedding day

Thanks JJ. It's a zoomed in photo of a bubble from my actual wedding so I'm not trying to give it a clever title or anything like that.
by Mirrorball
Wed Nov 14, 2018 9:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Assonance (formerly Bum Bed Belly)
Replies: 13
Views: 1262

Re: Assonance (formerly Bum Bed Belly)

Jules, I've been too busy trying to learn some tricky words to put in my poems with the help of little Mb-etta.

https://youtu.be/TvMyssfAUx0

She laughs hysterically at:

say hello to we.
"Hello we!"
we we we we we...
w and e spells we
don't let it trick you.
by Mirrorball
Wed Nov 14, 2018 8:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Thoughts from a Beer Garden near St Leonard's Church (Revision 2)
Replies: 21
Views: 1674

Re: Thoughts from a Beer Garden near St Leonard's Church (revisited)

I think this is a marvellous villanelle JJ. You've metered it beautifully and the rhymes come naturally given the restrictions. You've pulled it together nicely in the final stanza which is always a big challenge with this form. I agree with Ross' suggestion on 'rave'. I think S3 is your weakest and...
by Mirrorball
Wed Nov 14, 2018 1:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Clock Struck One (new title)
Replies: 32
Views: 3013

Re: The Clock Struck One (new title)

I prefer 'dash out' to 'run right round'. The alliteration is a bit of a tongue twister on the latter. . Do you know any good illustrators? . No, I don't personally but there are a number of artists on this forum you could always engage in a collaborative art/poetry project. I suspect illustrating c...
by Mirrorball
Wed Nov 14, 2018 7:06 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Clean
Replies: 15
Views: 1477

Re: Clean

Ross, What I was getting at is the Earth revolves round the sun, the moon revolves around the Earth. The Earth turns on its axis but the moon doesn't, we always see the same side of the moon. You could argue that the Earth rotates on its axis and turns means revolves. I don't think that's what you m...
by Mirrorball
Tue Nov 13, 2018 9:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Clean
Replies: 15
Views: 1477

Re: Clean

Hi Ross, I'm not a great believer that cleanliness is Godliness so this struck a chord if I'm interpreting it correctly. The rhyming and varying line length work well for me in an unclean sort of way. In S3, I don't think the moon turns on an axis but it does revolve. You've also used turns already ...
by Mirrorball
Tue Nov 13, 2018 8:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Soul- cakes ( was Villanelle)
Replies: 15
Views: 1892

Re: Villanelle

Hi Tony, If you're finding three rhymes too restrictive then I've had a look through a number of famous villanelles and not all of them stick to the three rhyme rule. I posted one on here not so long ago and it had four rhymes but no one really noticed. That's modern villanelle for you. I do like th...
by Mirrorball
Tue Nov 13, 2018 8:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Silence ( after Emily Dickinson)
Replies: 15
Views: 2118

Re: Silence ( after Emily Dickinson)

Hi Tony, I thought I'd commented on this poem because I did read it many times. I found the sentiment of the poem quite compelling without getting too fixated on the meter or ED. It works very well without reference to her at all. Aren't we all influenced by someone in our writing? You could make it...
by Mirrorball
Tue Nov 13, 2018 8:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Assonance (formerly Bum Bed Belly)
Replies: 13
Views: 1262

Re: Bum Bed Belly

Yes, it could be mindfulness or the Jules Kama Sutra. Take your pick.

Ps I had a go at one of these word shuffle poems not so long ago. I thought five words was impressive but you've managed three.

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