Search found 51 matches

by HonourStedman
Fri Jul 19, 2019 4:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sun-Struck (decided on final version)
Replies: 11
Views: 949

Re: Sun-Struck

Some good stuff in this poem, Perry, and I don't have a problem with the sudden change of tone with the last stanza - indeed, you signal that change clearly with the three asterisks. I'm not sure that the word "effused" has been used correctly where it appears, but I shall not indulge in further nit...
by HonourStedman
Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Carry Your Heart In a Bag
Replies: 3
Views: 522

Re: Carry Your Heart In a Bag

This poem has the makings of something special but I did experience a certain confusion when reading it; a careful "sorting out" might be worth doing to clarify exactly what you are conveying. When I read the poem, I felt empathy and a depth of emotion, but was concerned that I might be misconstruin...
by HonourStedman
Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: MAGA RAKA fooka rooka (Oswald on Bass) was Shack-Kerouac
Replies: 15
Views: 1567

Re: Shack Kerouac

Blimey, a lot of learned stuff resulting from your poem, dear Jules. I read On the Road many years ago, and have since picked up more information about the so-called "beat generation." However, what I really like about your poem has nothing to do with those historical references and has more to do w...
by HonourStedman
Sat Jun 29, 2019 3:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Sapper
Replies: 18
Views: 1261

Re: Sapper

I do like this Mac. I especially like that link to what I take as being memories of World War One, armistice day poppies, and digging trenches. A small poem that packs a punch. :)
by HonourStedman
Sat Jun 29, 2019 3:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Vanquished
Replies: 14
Views: 977

Re: The Vanquished

If you wrote this poem at least two decades ago, dear Perry, I wonder how you see it now, apart from the question of the talking tree. For me, there is nothing wrong with having a talking tree, and the sentiments expressed are strong and environmentally well-timed. I think my only criticism concerns...
by HonourStedman
Sat Jun 29, 2019 3:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Wire and the Tree
Replies: 29
Views: 1648

Re: The Wire and the Tree

Nice one, dear Perry, describing a problem of council tree destruction that seems to be happening all over the country. There is just one word that could perhaps be changed - where you use the phrase, "An artist could not have rendered it more beautifully," I feel that the last word should be "beaut...
by HonourStedman
Sun Jun 23, 2019 3:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Retirement
Replies: 15
Views: 1045

Re: Retirement

Yes, having re-read the poem a couple of times, I am inclined to revise my view and do see what you were getting at. :)
by HonourStedman
Tue Jun 18, 2019 2:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Cat
Replies: 9
Views: 613

Re: The Cat

Dear Poet, this is a poem that technically shouldn't work and would bring some editors to tears. And yet, it is a remarkable piece of work, seemingly without guile or wordly [sic] or even wordly knowledge. I love it.
by HonourStedman
Tue Jun 18, 2019 2:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Retirement
Replies: 15
Views: 1045

Re: Retirement

Reading the various critiques from Forum members I do tend to side with Pauline and Perry. There just is not enough in this poem to reward the reader and the three images given - mother and pram, homeless man, and the pigeons plucking - seem a bit "hackneyed" with no interesting detail about them. I...
by HonourStedman
Tue Jun 18, 2019 1:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Wreckage (was Full Wallop)
Replies: 9
Views: 765

Re: Wreckage (was Full Wallop)

Some meaty stuff in there, RC, and in its best lines powerful and raw. You COULD edit this poem to improve its "logic" but that might well be a retrograde step. Keep it as it is, in my opinion.
by HonourStedman
Sat May 25, 2019 4:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: core structure of absence (revision)
Replies: 15
Views: 2188

Re: core structure of absence (revision)

I'm sorry, riverrun, and I know I might be missing something valuable here, but I just can't get to grips with this poem. I have to say that I am with Perry on this one, and indeed, the brevity of his critique might hide a deliberate request that you be less expansive and more concise in what you ar...
by HonourStedman
Sat May 25, 2019 4:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Perpetuum Mobile
Replies: 5
Views: 1429

Re: Perpetuum Mobile

This is a very difficult poem to come to terms with, especially at the beginning, but clearly a theme develops so all is not lost. There are some powerful moments in the poem but also some overly obscure elements and language, so a mixed bag then. One thing I do like is the final stanza - a poem in ...
by HonourStedman
Sat May 25, 2019 4:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: But to me
Replies: 22
Views: 2102

Re: But to me

I think that we need to be careful about appearing to patronize the poet when criticizing the poem. We might not agree with the sentiments Harbal expresses, but I wouldn't call this out as being immature as if great poets are always somehow mature in their expression or meaning. I do agree, dear Har...
by HonourStedman
Sun May 12, 2019 4:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Onlie Begetter (V3)
Replies: 10
Views: 1276

Re: The Onlie Begetter (V2)

It is interesting that while version 1 of "The Onlie Begetter" would appear to be a sonic poem, version 2 is also intensely visual, and for me version 2 gets my vote. Serious visual elements in poetry are often ignored or not pursued by poets and I like the way that version 2 of the poem uses both t...
by HonourStedman
Sun Apr 28, 2019 3:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Girl with Boa
Replies: 10
Views: 813

Re: Girl with Boa

Great little poem, NotQuiteSure, and I really like that sudden "shift" the reader experiences with the last line. The poem is sensual and enigmatic.
by HonourStedman
Sun Apr 28, 2019 3:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Anti-Psychotic (Formally "Depot")
Replies: 12
Views: 1495

Re: Depot

Powerful stuff Charles, and essentially well-crafted without losing its directness and ability to stir the emotions. I think that Tony is right to pick up on the first stanza although I would rather it were re-worked rather than abandoned.
by HonourStedman
Sun Apr 28, 2019 3:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ferret
Replies: 14
Views: 1416

Re: Ferret

Great poem this,Tony, and the only change I would recommend is replacing the first line of the second verse with, "Once out of its cage," instead of your line, "When I let it out of its cage."
by HonourStedman
Sun Apr 28, 2019 2:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: On Wanting a Chair to be a Chippendale (V2)
Replies: 12
Views: 1221

Re: On Wanting a Chair to be a Chippendale

Well Tristan, I look forward to reading the revised version of this poem - it contains nuggets of gold. In terms of a detailed critique, I agree very much with Perry's analysis so I will not add anything further. :)
by HonourStedman
Sun Apr 28, 2019 2:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Fugue [was 'leave a message'] version 2
Replies: 15
Views: 1527

Re: leave a message

Thanks for your remarks above, dear Gorgonshead... Keep on trucking - I look forward to reading more of your work. :)
by HonourStedman
Sun Apr 28, 2019 2:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Rising and the Shining
Replies: 6
Views: 884

Re: The Rising and the Shining

That is quite some shortening from the original to version 1, dear Jules, and I think you were wise to take an axe to the original. That is not meant as a major criticism because I admire your tackling of a difficult subject - as I know as I near pension age myself. I like the fact that you take a d...
by HonourStedman
Thu Apr 18, 2019 2:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Fugue [was 'leave a message'] version 2
Replies: 15
Views: 1527

Re: leave a message

Dear Gorgonshead, I really do like this poem - perhaps partly because I suffer from dissociative identity disorder, but also because it really is a fine piece of work. I'm going to just nit pick in a tiny way - could you possibly delete the final line, "at the tone" since that line somehow narrows t...
by HonourStedman
Thu Apr 18, 2019 2:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Lycorine in the Living Room (revised)
Replies: 14
Views: 1445

Re: Lycorine in the Living Room (revised)

I got to this one a bit late, dear Mac - some of the Forum "big hitters" have already given their lucid views and I find myself in general agreement with them. This poem is great stuff, and I love the slightly twisted symmetry between the sinister and the good. Before reading the reviews so far expr...
by HonourStedman
Thu Apr 18, 2019 2:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Toads, Toads, Toads V4 (formerly Toad Will See You Now )
Replies: 15
Views: 1611

Re: Toads, Toads, Toads V4 (formerly Toad Will See You Now )

Thanks for that, Jules. The other forum I post on has a great system for notifications. In a post, you can use the "@" character followed by the username and that will notify the member of the post immediately. Very useful.
by HonourStedman
Wed Apr 17, 2019 4:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Triffids
Replies: 7
Views: 888

Re: Triffids

Some great stuff in this poem, Camus, and I like it. OK, a few minor tweaks here and there might improve the way it reads but hey, this is spontaneous "rant," and not a literary exercise. :D
by HonourStedman
Wed Apr 17, 2019 4:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Interplanetary Love (revision 5)
Replies: 33
Views: 2999

Re: Interplanetary Love (revision 2)

Dear JJ, judging by your prose explanation of what you are seeking to express in your short poem and the difference between the versions of the poem you have so far written, I feel that you are still not quite ready to distill what you are seeking in such a minimal format. I reckon that further work...