Search found 1011 matches

by Perry
Fri Oct 23, 2020 6:43 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Love or Gas
Replies: 8
Views: 335

Re: Love or Gas

Jackie, thanks so much for your positive comments.

Yes, many poems that were disappointing at first evolved into good pieces. I'll keep working on it.
by Perry
Wed Oct 21, 2020 11:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Love or Gas
Replies: 8
Views: 335

Re: Love or Gas

Ray, I'm sorry that I didn't notice that you had posted a critique two days ago. I wasn't expecting any more comments, so I wasn't watching. The meaning of this line -- "Good people love, bad people don’t," -- isn't supposed to be "Good people find love, bad people don't find love". What I'm trying ...
by Perry
Sun Oct 18, 2020 8:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Love or Gas
Replies: 8
Views: 335

Re: Love or Gas

Interesting suggestion, thank you. That hasn't been my experience, though, as I seem to be living out the remainder of my life alone. I do have friends, however, who have found young lovers in their old age -- but whatever it was that made me undesirable to most people as a young man is still functi...
by Perry
Sun Oct 18, 2020 6:51 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Love or Gas
Replies: 8
Views: 335

Re: Love or Gas

Mac, thank you for your thoughtful comments, although I had a bit of a problem deciphering them: "a celebration of past and present because the vitality of need is still a driver and the 'relaxed' mode really is not driving the poem. More frustrated appetite than resignation, which is a 'youthful' m...
by Perry
Sat Oct 17, 2020 9:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Love or Gas
Replies: 8
Views: 335

Love or Gas

I love you. No, not “I love you”, but “I LOOOOOOOOOOVE you”. That was the extent of my poetry at seventeen. Of course, whoever he was (I’ve forgotten his name), I didn’t actually love him. It was more like I sexed him. It was his tight pants that I loved. You know how it is: There are always a few k...
by Perry
Sat Oct 17, 2020 12:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Chrysalis - revised
Replies: 10
Views: 412

Re: Chrysalis

For me this poem sounds too prosaic, too pedestrian. The prosaic quality peaks in these lines:

Not because their brains fall out,
but memories fade away, I suppose;

I mean, "brains fall out" is child talk.

I think that you should try to put more lyricism in the poem.
by Perry
Tue Oct 13, 2020 7:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Four Sunday Gods -v3
Replies: 19
Views: 849

Re: Paragliders

Paragliders [I liked the old title -- less direct, but more grand] One paraglider possesses the sky, suspended by witchcraft. [great stanza] Two bracketed bear a message [language feels garbled to me, which is why I didn't get it -- what does "two bracketed" mean? what is the "message"?] and the he...
by Perry
Tue Oct 13, 2020 6:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The United States of Cruelty
Replies: 2
Views: 398

Re: The United States of Cruelty

Thank you, Ray. Because of civil asset forfeiture, the police now steal more money and possessions from the public than all the robbers and thieves in the nation do. Eminent domain is almost always used against poor or minority neighborhoods. It is a way of clearing out the "undesirables". It can al...
by Perry
Tue Oct 13, 2020 2:30 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The United States of Cruelty
Replies: 2
Views: 398

The United States of Cruelty

Civil asset forfeiture Eminent domain Voter suppression Proof of identity Income inequality Inadequate health-care Health-care profiteering Criminalization of addiction Proliferation of guns Automatic weapons Celebration of the Confederacy White supremacy Racial profiling Militarization of the polic...
by Perry
Mon Oct 12, 2020 11:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Four Sunday Gods -v3
Replies: 19
Views: 849

Re: Four Sunday Gods

Oh. One ... Two ... Three ... Four. Those are paragliders! What threw me was this line: "Two bracketed bear a message" ... which I didn't understand at all. And also the third stanza that mentions a champagne glass. I really didn't intend my previous comments as a criticism. I thought you were tryin...
by Perry
Sat Oct 10, 2020 12:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Four Sunday Gods -v3
Replies: 19
Views: 849

Re: Four Sunday Gods

One paraglider possesses the sky, hanging by witchcraft. Two bracketed bear a message and the heavens are autographed. Three bubbling to the surface of a shimmering champagne glass. Four Sunday Gods rise up versus a world that’s deflated and flat. I don't understand the poem either, but it should b...
by Perry
Thu Sep 10, 2020 11:32 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Owl and the Blackbird(revision)
Replies: 9
Views: 1681

Re: The Owl and the Blackbird(revision)

I remember when you first posted this. I didn't comment on it then because I didn't really understand it. I guess it's a fantasy, but if so, I don't find it very entertaining. If it's an allegory, it doesn't seem to make much of a point. I can see that a child might like the poem, except that it is ...
by Perry
Mon Sep 07, 2020 7:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: America in 2017
Replies: 4
Views: 1468

Re: America in 2017

Hi, Mac. I think that a poem which is exhibiting despair has to be relentlessly negative. Maybe after a good night's sleep, the N will be refreshed and feel the opposite. But the poem is still about despair. Regarding that line about the police, you may not be aware of this, but America has somethin...
by Perry
Sun Sep 06, 2020 11:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: America in 2017
Replies: 4
Views: 1468

Re: America in 2017

Thank you, Tristan. I have just lengthened a couple lines in the first stanza. I wasn't trying too hard to imitate Shelley. If I had been, I would have tried to rhyme the poem, but rhyme is just too hard for me. I take my rhymes where I can get them. That you seem to like the poem makes me feel good...
by Perry
Sun Sep 06, 2020 8:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: America in 2017
Replies: 4
Views: 1468

America in 2017

Earlier version which I think I prefer (I'm not sure why I abandoned it): America is no longer the light of the world. Witness: Liberty’s torch no longer shines, but glimmers with the gold of the rich. The police have become thieves and kill without remorse. Citizens are jailed, tortured. Plutocrats...
by Perry
Sat Sep 05, 2020 5:10 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sharp Shadows
Replies: 11
Views: 2082

Re: Sharp Shadows

Tristan, I apologize for not responding sooner. I was doing other things for the last five days. Believe it or not, "rafters of the sky" is my favorite phrase in the poem. I imagine the sky being like a roof supported by timbers, and it just sounds very poetic to me. So I guess I'll be leaving that ...
by Perry
Sun Aug 30, 2020 2:53 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Captives
Replies: 8
Views: 1816

Re: Captives

Tristan, that bit of information is really crucial to the poem. Now I read the point of the poem as your children being disappointed that no rain came to play in. The whole feeling of the poem seems changed. Previous to this, I thought the point of the poem was simply the unpredictability of nature....
by Perry
Sat Aug 29, 2020 12:35 am
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Colosseum
Replies: 3
Views: 3137

Re: Colosseum

Because this is a translation, and because I don't know Italian, there's no help that I can give you. I can only suggest that the English version reflects the literal meaning of the Spanish as much as possible, with as few poetic embellishments as possible. That way, when the English is translated i...
by Perry
Thu Aug 27, 2020 8:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Captives
Replies: 8
Views: 1816

Re: Captives

I like this poem very much. I'm curious why the kids are in their skivvies, or is that just meant to be part of the scene you are describing and not of any consequence? When I read the last line, I immediately felt that "the" would be better than "a", but I haven't analyzed the poem closely enough t...
by Perry
Wed Aug 26, 2020 7:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sharp Shadows
Replies: 11
Views: 2082

Re: Sharp Shadows

Thank you for all your help!
by Perry
Tue Aug 25, 2020 8:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hazelwood Pitch
Replies: 4
Views: 1376

Re: Hazelwood Pitch

It's funny how our language works. The word "stud" can mean so many things. Being a gay man, when I read the first line, I immediately thought of hunky men scrounging in the dirt. I like this poem quite a bit. I like the relaxed and clear conversational language. It wasn't long ago that most poems p...
by Perry
Tue Aug 25, 2020 7:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sharp Shadows
Replies: 11
Views: 2082

Re: Sharp Shadows (version 2)

I'm knocking this to the top just to say I think I've found the final form of the poem.
by Perry
Tue Aug 25, 2020 9:39 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sharp Shadows
Replies: 11
Views: 2082

Re: Sharp Shadows

Yes, Mac, it does help quite a bit. Actually, I've already been revising along those lines. My present problem is that I don't think I can fill the second stanza to a full nine lines (like stanza one) without throwing in a lot of unnecessary stuff. The poem that I thought was mostly done, is now ver...
by Perry
Mon Aug 24, 2020 8:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sharp Shadows
Replies: 11
Views: 2082

Re: Sharp Shadows

I think that lines 2 to 6 just run on too much -- they are plodding. I also feel that the basic message of stanza two ("I love the difference that you are") is weak. How about if I go into objective mode? But history is never really over. Sometimes I wish that race would disappear, so man might find...
by Perry
Mon Aug 24, 2020 7:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Knee deep at the edge of the abyss
Replies: 9
Views: 1942

Re: Knee deep at the edge of the abyss

I couldn't figure out what the poem is about, so I can't comment.