Search found 1010 matches

by Perry
Thu Sep 10, 2020 11:32 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Owl and the Blackbird(revision)
Replies: 9
Views: 209

Re: The Owl and the Blackbird(revision)

I remember when you first posted this. I didn't comment on it then because I didn't really understand it. I guess it's a fantasy, but if so, I don't find it very entertaining. If it's an allegory, it doesn't seem to make much of a point. I can see that a child might like the poem, except that it is ...
by Perry
Mon Sep 07, 2020 7:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: America in 2017
Replies: 4
Views: 91

Re: America in 2017

Hi, Mac. I think that a poem which is exhibiting despair has to be relentlessly negative. Maybe after a good night's sleep, the N will be refreshed and feel the opposite. But the poem is still about despair. Regarding that line about the police, you may not be aware of this, but America has somethin...
by Perry
Sun Sep 06, 2020 11:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: America in 2017
Replies: 4
Views: 91

Re: America in 2017

Thank you, Tristan. I have just lengthened a couple lines in the first stanza. I wasn't trying too hard to imitate Shelley. If I had been, I would have tried to rhyme the poem, but rhyme is just too hard for me. I take my rhymes where I can get them. That you seem to like the poem makes me feel good...
by Perry
Sun Sep 06, 2020 8:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: America in 2017
Replies: 4
Views: 91

America in 2017

Earlier version which I think I prefer (I'm not sure why I abandoned it): America is no longer the light of the world. Witness: Liberty’s torch no longer shines, but glimmers with the gold of the rich. The police have become thieves and kill without remorse. Citizens are jailed, tortured. Plutocrats...
by Perry
Sat Sep 05, 2020 8:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Observance (revision)
Replies: 22
Views: 331

Re: Observance (revision)

I haven't looked at this in a while, sorry. I think the poem is good except for the final line. The "magic" line has always felt awkward to me. When I have problems with a line, it helps to decide what I am literally trying to say, and in this case I think your exact meaning is, "It was never the wo...
by Perry
Sat Sep 05, 2020 5:10 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sharp Shadows
Replies: 11
Views: 351

Re: Sharp Shadows

Tristan, I apologize for not responding sooner. I was doing other things for the last five days. Believe it or not, "rafters of the sky" is my favorite phrase in the poem. I imagine the sky being like a roof supported by timbers, and it just sounds very poetic to me. So I guess I'll be leaving that ...
by Perry
Sun Aug 30, 2020 2:53 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Captives
Replies: 6
Views: 191

Re: Captives

Tristan, that bit of information is really crucial to the poem. Now I read the point of the poem as your children being disappointed that no rain came to play in. The whole feeling of the poem seems changed. Previous to this, I thought the point of the poem was simply the unpredictability of nature....
by Perry
Sat Aug 29, 2020 12:35 am
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Colosseum
Replies: 3
Views: 252

Re: Colosseum

Because this is a translation, and because I don't know Italian, there's no help that I can give you. I can only suggest that the English version reflects the literal meaning of the Spanish as much as possible, with as few poetic embellishments as possible. That way, when the English is translated i...
by Perry
Fri Aug 28, 2020 7:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Observance (revision)
Replies: 22
Views: 331

Re: Observance (revision)

I still find the poem a little enigmatic; but if I grasped the meaning in my last comment, I guess that means the poem is clearer than I think, especially given my tendency to be dense. As you know, I like the meaning of a poem to be front and center, with the beauty in the creative language. The ne...
by Perry
Thu Aug 27, 2020 8:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Captives
Replies: 6
Views: 191

Re: Captives

I like this poem very much. I'm curious why the kids are in their skivvies, or is that just meant to be part of the scene you are describing and not of any consequence? When I read the last line, I immediately felt that "the" would be better than "a", but I haven't analyzed the poem closely enough t...
by Perry
Thu Aug 27, 2020 7:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Observance (revision)
Replies: 22
Views: 331

Re: Samhain

I think this is a nice little poem, but the syntax of the final line strikes me as a little odd. I just have the feeling that you could come up with something a little more profound, and I suspect you will eventually. What does Samhain have to do with the poem? I'm not sure. Who does the word "their...
by Perry
Wed Aug 26, 2020 7:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sharp Shadows
Replies: 11
Views: 351

Re: Sharp Shadows

Thank you for all your help!
by Perry
Tue Aug 25, 2020 9:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Small Worlds (revision7)
Replies: 18
Views: 871

Re: Small Worlds (revision6)

I think that you have gradually improved the poem, but I still have trouble following the thread of it.

tots up in time
the brig unanchors with cartoon repeats

Those are the lines I'm having trouble understanding.
by Perry
Tue Aug 25, 2020 8:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hazelwood Pitch
Replies: 4
Views: 171

Re: Hazelwood Pitch

It's funny how our language works. The word "stud" can mean so many things. Being a gay man, when I read the first line, I immediately thought of hunky men scrounging in the dirt. I like this poem quite a bit. I like the relaxed and clear conversational language. It wasn't long ago that most poems p...
by Perry
Tue Aug 25, 2020 7:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sharp Shadows
Replies: 11
Views: 351

Re: Sharp Shadows (version 2)

I'm knocking this to the top just to say I think I've found the final form of the poem.
by Perry
Tue Aug 25, 2020 9:39 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sharp Shadows
Replies: 11
Views: 351

Re: Sharp Shadows

Yes, Mac, it does help quite a bit. Actually, I've already been revising along those lines. My present problem is that I don't think I can fill the second stanza to a full nine lines (like stanza one) without throwing in a lot of unnecessary stuff. The poem that I thought was mostly done, is now ver...
by Perry
Mon Aug 24, 2020 8:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sharp Shadows
Replies: 11
Views: 351

Re: Sharp Shadows

I think that lines 2 to 6 just run on too much -- they are plodding. I also feel that the basic message of stanza two ("I love the difference that you are") is weak. How about if I go into objective mode? But history is never really over. Sometimes I wish that race would disappear, so man might find...
by Perry
Mon Aug 24, 2020 7:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Knee deep at the edge of the abyss
Replies: 9
Views: 330

Re: Knee deep at the edge of the abyss

I couldn't figure out what the poem is about, so I can't comment.
by Perry
Mon Aug 24, 2020 6:03 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sharp Shadows
Replies: 11
Views: 351

Re: Sharp Shadows

Thank you for your thoughts, Mac. It has always fascinated me that black people, who are indigenous to Africa and certainly not outcasts there, should be such outcasts in the U.S., which is why it is necessary for me to say "African-American" to set the scene. I keep changing the second stanza. I'm ...
by Perry
Sun Aug 23, 2020 11:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sharp Shadows
Replies: 11
Views: 351

Sharp Shadows

Version 2 (cut by two lines) You are an African-American man and you are pleasuring me, one act of many in our loving tangle. In that act I sense, wrongly or rightly, forgiveness for the slave-holders in my past, a tacit willingness to let go of history, to let hate rise to the rafters of the sky a...
by Perry
Thu Aug 20, 2020 7:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) 2021 - revision3
Replies: 22
Views: 541

Re: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) 2021 - revision3

I think this version is the best. The slightly longer lines contribute to the flow. I'm starting to genuinely like it.
by Perry
Tue Aug 18, 2020 9:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The tough Aussie Bloke - almost a bloody poem
Replies: 6
Views: 298

Re: The tough Aussie Bloke - almost a bloody poem

I agree that this is "almost" a poem because it doesn't have a clear point. But I still think it works as a slice of life, especially if you made it part of a series on life in the outback -- poems in a series are not expected to stand alone. I like your use of natural language, and your use of imag...
by Perry
Tue Aug 18, 2020 9:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) 2021 - revision3
Replies: 22
Views: 541

Re: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) - revision2

I think the latest version has more flow, and I like that. I do miss the old ending, however, the line "in the graves of strangers".
by Perry
Tue Aug 18, 2020 7:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: After
Replies: 10
Views: 805

Re: After

Thank you, Mac. I guess by "hackneyed" I just meant that this has all been said before -- that's what I got from Tristan and JJ. I don't think that I can rewrite it at this point. A few lines are weak, but the rhymes are in place and the poem is basically finished. I think I'll just have to see it a...
by Perry
Tue Aug 18, 2020 9:30 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: After
Replies: 10
Views: 805

Re: After

I never thanked the last three people who commented on this poem. I was having computer problems that week, and I got sidetracked, after which this post slipped from my mind. Thanks to all of you, Lotus, Eira and Pauline. I wonder if the three of you agree with Tristan and JJ that the sentiments are...