Search found 176 matches

by vesuvius
Tue Aug 20, 2013 10:50 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Currency (dubiously edited: again)
Replies: 29
Views: 1484

Re: Currency (edited)

Hi Ros Like this. I like coins, worked on a hoard or too in museums in my time. I think the concept of the end is good. You come full circle back to the auction listing. The link through time using the same word as the previous stanza works too, but confused me at first. Maybe a capital letter and f...
by vesuvius
Sat Jul 27, 2013 9:20 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sparks in the dark
Replies: 6
Views: 444

Re: Sparks in the dark

Thanks for the replies. I'm going to explain the meaning of the poem to enlighten you. Hopefully a few things will make more sense and you can offer some opinions on title and or how I might go about offering maybe a few more clues. Or is it enough? Anyway. It's a pregnancy scan. I felt there were e...
by vesuvius
Thu Jul 25, 2013 1:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: She’s Leaving Home.
Replies: 11
Views: 1190

Re: She’s Leaving Home.

Agreed, works fine without the first line. the word "in" before leggiero somehow feels clumsy. Do you play in leggiero or just play leggiero? Harps and leggiero is classy stuff. You could go the whole hog and go leggiero e vivo. Nice ring to it. The sigh and plink seem at odds with each other. Two d...
by vesuvius
Thu Jul 25, 2013 11:38 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sparks in the dark
Replies: 6
Views: 444

Sparks in the dark

Sparks in the dark: yours, mine in this vessel swaddled like lovers collide “once you've got your eye in there's someone home” tearfrosted window: a bloom diffuse barely aglow but- (quickbreathin eyeswide bitelip fistclenched) but there swimming nexus, singing forth, forming, growing out from a sing...
by vesuvius
Thu Jul 25, 2013 11:32 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: When the rain began,
Replies: 12
Views: 959

Re: When the rain began,

I like the voice. Conversation, matter of fact. Funnily enough I was thinking about overpasses in poetry yesterday. How best to describe your position underneath one. Do you describe it as above you or do you describe yourself as below it. I really like the repeated sentiment that you don't care. Th...
by vesuvius
Thu Jul 25, 2013 11:15 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Amati
Replies: 16
Views: 1256

Re: Amati

Visual form poems so often fail where words are used to fill space. There's a little bit of that here, but not much. I'd start with some imagery and then mention the cello later. Build the picture slowly even though it's already there - it's not necessarily obvious immediately. Any way to get this l...
by vesuvius
Thu Jul 25, 2013 10:52 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: school days
Replies: 3
Views: 386

Re: school days

You're obviously going for as succinct as possible. What does "all arising" say that "escalating" doesn't? Do you need both? You already have "ascending" too. Lost among the clouds is a weak ending for me. A bit cliche, also talks about ascending too. I see kids walking up an endless staircase It's ...
by vesuvius
Thu Dec 02, 2010 6:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: What the church means to me.
Replies: 24
Views: 1206

Re: What the church means to me.

Brendan, you're trying too hard. Gypsum naturally occurs as efflorescence on brick - I'm a conservator. http://www.sciencedirect.com/science?_ob=ArticleURL&_udi=B6V2G-4CG2JBP-2&_user=10&_coverDate=06%2F30%2F2004&_rdoc=1&_fmt=high&_orig=search&_origin=search&_sort=d&_docanchor=&view=c&_searchStrId=15...
by vesuvius
Tue Nov 30, 2010 5:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: What the church means to me.
Replies: 24
Views: 1206

Re: What the church means to me.

Thanks P, some good changes there.

I've taken into account what everyone has said and made a revision.
by vesuvius
Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:49 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: What the church means to me.
Replies: 24
Views: 1206

Re: What the church means to me.

that's great Brian. That's why I'm here, to learn from such discussions. Thanks
by vesuvius
Fri Nov 26, 2010 12:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: What the church means to me.
Replies: 24
Views: 1206

Re: What the church means to me.

no Ray, that looks good to me. I'd be willing to take the popular vote on line breaks while I'm learning. What do you think Brian?
by vesuvius
Fri Nov 26, 2010 12:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A subtle alien attempt to subvert Planet Earth: Stage 1
Replies: 6
Views: 574

Re: A subtle alien attempt to subvert Planet Earth: Stage 1

Yes brendan same poem. I get the political message. Cynical.
by vesuvius
Fri Nov 26, 2010 12:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Ode for a burial
Replies: 16
Views: 1120

Re: Ode for a burial

Hi Clara I like the juxtaposition of Gray, Wordsworth, Keats with classics and modern. You write confidently and as David says authoritively. Couple of suggestions on first read. I'd personally like to see the latin and French in italics. Had to use google, you taught me a few things. No surprise gr...
by vesuvius
Fri Nov 26, 2010 11:27 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: What the church means to me.
Replies: 24
Views: 1206

Re: What the church means to me.

Thanks all. Rob - The Ocatgonal church is St Michaels in Madeley, designed by Thomas Telford. It's less about fading religion and more that it was never there in the first place. The end is a bit of a punch line emphasised by the mention of heaven in the first. It works your way too. Ray and Brian -...
by vesuvius
Thu Nov 25, 2010 4:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A subtle alien attempt to subvert Planet Earth: Stage 1
Replies: 6
Views: 574

Re: A subtle alien attempt to subvert Planet Earth: Stage 1

will not cry in public, less chance of illness I see what you mean. I enjoyed this too. Maybe it could be written even more coldly/ robotically. Or would that be over the top? There's something slightly lost in the last part. Is the instruction to become a senator, but only when asked? because you p...
by vesuvius
Thu Nov 25, 2010 3:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: First Snow on a Saturday Morning (edited)
Replies: 14
Views: 962

Re: First Snow on a Saturday Morning (edited)

Good revision Lake. This flows more naturally.

Favourite line - The sky is
written with bold strokes
of silent boughs.
by vesuvius
Thu Nov 25, 2010 3:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: removed
Replies: 6
Views: 491

Re: Ian Scopas

You are at the least, a very good story teller.
by vesuvius
Thu Nov 25, 2010 3:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: What the church means to me.
Replies: 24
Views: 1206

What the church means to me.

Revision I place my hands on the bronze bricks of the octagonal church encrusted with soot stained gypsum - patches that look like shadows of clouds on the ground from the heavens. My hands are warm and I add my own salt to the brick sponge efflorescence - and it pleases me because I do not expect ...
by vesuvius
Thu Nov 25, 2010 2:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: removed
Replies: 11
Views: 652

Re: a human whelping box (was "The whelping box")

a nod to e e cummings in that one?
by vesuvius
Thu Nov 25, 2010 1:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: removed
Replies: 11
Views: 652

Re: a human whelping box (was "The whelping box")

Ask yourself this question - why are you prosaic? As a poet you are the master of every word in the poem. As an artist you are in control of every parameter Every parameter you CAN control, you MUST control - Wendy Carlos. There are less "parameters" in poetry than other arts, so finer control is ne...
by vesuvius
Thu Nov 25, 2010 12:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sunday School (edited)
Replies: 8
Views: 520

Re: Sunday School

haha nice description.
by vesuvius
Wed Nov 24, 2010 6:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Winter 2010
Replies: 14
Views: 939

Re: Winter 2010

Hi Clarabow Well done. A big well done. Political poems are difficult to write without making the reader cringe. You pull it off exceptionally well, even with a mention of Bush and Blair which should have been a warning beacon for me but turned out not to be. For me it doesn't provoke discussion on ...
by vesuvius
Wed Nov 24, 2010 6:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: removed
Replies: 11
Views: 652

Re: a human whelping box (was "The whelping box")

I like the vivid illustration of human nature here. desperate to name the scent floating from her fontanel and dreaming about his baby girl that smelled of cinnamon These reflect each other nicely. And that scent is the best. nuzzling their daughter close - I'd suggest removing the "close." Nuzzling...
by vesuvius
Wed Nov 24, 2010 5:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pebbles
Replies: 11
Views: 695

Re: Pebbles

Thanks Suzanne, late is fine, your words please me.
by vesuvius
Wed Nov 24, 2010 8:41 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pebbles
Replies: 11
Views: 695

Re: Pebbles

I shall mull this one over. You're probably right.
cheers