Search found 660 matches

by bjondon
Wed Apr 22, 2020 3:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Once More, With Meaning
Replies: 9
Views: 470

Re: Once More, With Meaning

Hi Jackie - kind of joyful, almost meaningless. The unpronounceable in pursuit of the unplayable? - though this is eminently pronounceable. You are currently my favourite poet on the board - rhythm, melody, cut and come again play of meaning. Actually didn't you post another Scrabble poem about a ye...
by bjondon
Thu Mar 26, 2020 5:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Self-Isolation - revised
Replies: 11
Views: 864

Re: Self-Isolation - revised

If I could change L12 I would - the plural seems odd and the rhythm off.
Best,
Jules
by bjondon
Wed Mar 25, 2020 2:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Self-Isolation - revised
Replies: 11
Views: 864

Re: Self-Isolation - revised

Good one ray.
Liked the scarecrow's crack.
hugs/clocks great . . . sets up an expectation, delivered only with elderly/bewilderedly . . . more?

Jules
by bjondon
Sun Mar 15, 2020 7:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Monday Tomorrow (v2)
Replies: 14
Views: 1050

Re: Monday Tomorrow (v2)

Very elegant and grim Not. The revision nails it, apart from the last line which backs off, seems to muddy the growing certainty the N is just waiting to try again. Simply cut it and then 'go home' acquires sinister weight. I thought 'know-it-not' was right for how the N sees it (impelled certainty ...
by bjondon
Thu Mar 05, 2020 10:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Joyful Builder, Searching Student
Replies: 5
Views: 471

Re: Joyful Builder, Searching Student

Tristan and mac, thanks for the read. Explaining a poem is I suppose an admission of failure so I'll hold back a bit. It's not intertextual, though it's true I've been reading Whitman. I like his tabula rasa approach to poetry. I think there's another famous American poem, much loved by self-help pu...
by bjondon
Thu Mar 05, 2020 10:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)
Replies: 15
Views: 675

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Hi Not, I'm still not sure of your intention, what it is 'they' don't hear. For me Heaney's poem seems to include the voice of the unsung. That phrase 'the music of what happens' apparently comes from a medieval text, one of the Fionn mac Cumhaill stories, so it need not lead directly to his poem. J...
by bjondon
Thu Mar 05, 2020 4:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Subsidence ( was The Abandoned)
Replies: 11
Views: 903

Re: Subsidence ( was The Abandoned)

Hi ton, I aggree the revision is bringing this to life, but it's not quite there. The rhyme scheme in S1 helps (I think we need its echo in S2). The only bit I'd question in S1 is 'for good' - the phrase doesn't quite work there.. A possible L4 - 'for ever? The dark that haunts our dreams.' There is...
by bjondon
Tue Mar 03, 2020 4:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Joyful Builder, Searching Student
Replies: 5
Views: 471

Joyful Builder, Searching Student

I'm shit, I'm shit, I'm Captain of the Shit. Am I not a glorious man? I'm shit, I'm shit, I'm Captain of the Shit. Am I not a glorious man? Curious, these humans clenched and curled inside their little shells, barely even permitting to breathe such glorious selves. And still I'm shit. Am I or am I n...
by bjondon
Tue Mar 03, 2020 4:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)
Replies: 15
Views: 675

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

That certainly complicates matters.
But not as pointlessly as I was expecting!
A new Heaney (for me) - the advantages of ignorance :)
Thank you
J
by bjondon
Tue Mar 03, 2020 2:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)
Replies: 15
Views: 675

Re: (Untitled, but short!) (v2)

Removing the 'if' from L1 makes it stronger, less speculative. Adding the footsore and thirsty line introduces an element of pathos which for me diminishes the mystery and potential of this - 'what didn't happen' carries an ominous weight, a sense of some great disaster that might (easily?) have bee...
by bjondon
Sat Feb 29, 2020 8:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A skunk (v2)
Replies: 9
Views: 569

Re: A skunk

Hi k-j - Cheering on each muscular turn until 'it wasn't quietude you cured with,' - The reader is pulled up short and from this awkward construction on it becomes a grammatical wrestling match . . . I'm still not sure about the ordering of L19-21 but if my interp is correct I can see you don't want...
by bjondon
Sat Feb 29, 2020 5:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Liberty Taking (revised ... again ... and again)
Replies: 20
Views: 940

Re: Liberty Taking (revised ... again)

Hi Not - the O&P, traditional stalking horse of the prosodic universe (nation's favourite!), both tempting and resilient, but you've found a useful 'in' here - the power of the piece spiralling out of the pig's constrained fury and his obsessively fingered nose-ring holes. It's also effective to lim...
by bjondon
Fri Feb 28, 2020 10:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Anglesey birds in mystery mass death (revision4)
Replies: 19
Views: 1445

Re: Anglesey birds in mystery mass death (revision4)

The latest revision has resolved a number of problems. Returning to this reminds me how much I like the opening four lines. The one word tweak on the end line makes a big difference, gives it a much safer landing. I also like all the changes in S2, though I'd be tempted to substitute 'put an end to ...
by bjondon
Wed Feb 26, 2020 10:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Play-Worker
Replies: 7
Views: 660

Re: Play-Worker

Thanks Not, Poet and JJ - A little something or a little nothing? The music and unreeling clichés are what drives this so it is difficult to unpick/revise. I think of it as being about the callow delusions of youth, quite probably echoed in the callow delusions of old age (another hat!). The one spa...
by bjondon
Tue Feb 25, 2020 1:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Psychodrama
Replies: 7
Views: 545

Re: Psychodrama

Very good - now that you've explained it. The relentless hammer-to-the-head end rhymes fitting the path she was on. It feels like a tribute of sorts. Should we have her name? - 'The Life of ...'? Something about the way you've phrased the Garbo bit makes it sound as if that was a separate episode wi...
by bjondon
Sun Feb 23, 2020 7:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Crane Dancing
Replies: 8
Views: 504

Re: Crane Dancing

Hi Stuart - this one has steadily grown on me - it blooms quietly and is well made, just like its subject. Mind/body technologies are very impervious to explanation, but you have found an interesting angle here, a way of injecting mischievous life without disrespecting the tradition. Though without ...
by bjondon
Fri Feb 14, 2020 2:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Play-Worker
Replies: 7
Views: 660

Re: Play-Worker

Thanks for the feedback Poet and Perry. This wasn't intentionally obscure, so it's useful to know it doesn't make much sense to you. The music or 'play' is more than half of it, so I'm pleased you responded to that Perry. A 'playworker' is an assistant/organiser at a summer camp or youth club. It's ...
by bjondon
Sat Feb 08, 2020 6:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: All the Little Coasts of America (Revision)
Replies: 16
Views: 1084

Re: All the Little Coasts of America (Revision)

Thanks for returning Not, 'the horned hemispheres' - the horns, strictly speaking, are the Alaskan Peninsula (which fades into the Aleutians). Vector maps do tend to over-simplify deeply inletted fragmented headlands, but the averaged out shape of Alaska there is essentially a quarter circle. I thin...
by bjondon
Fri Feb 07, 2020 9:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Genetics
Replies: 8
Views: 476

Re: Genetics

Hi Ray - I like it. It has this tragi-comic feel to the pacing and structure - a long set-up and everything revolving around this phrase 'I don't want to start her off'. 'Genetics'? - that seems like a red herring. I don't get the relevance, unless it's saying it's irrelevant. I think I'd leave it a...
by bjondon
Tue Feb 04, 2020 7:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Found Him Again on Facebook(version 3)
Replies: 7
Views: 426

Re: Found Him Again on Facebook

Hi Eira - for me the most real part is the lost stanza. It's right in the present and carries with it some of the breathless trauma of the computer session - and then the memories bloom outwards, half consoling, half haunting. So I'd consider beginning with that. And maybe 'there' instead of 'caught...
by bjondon
Tue Feb 04, 2020 5:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Tomorrow
Replies: 8
Views: 562

Re: Tomorrow

Hi Steve - deadpan at its best. Brilliant start.
I'm inclined to agree with Ray's edits.
If you are wedded to 'Tomorrow's' return you could drop China and make S3 :

A curtain drawn,
a fire lit.
Tomorrow came;
ashes in an urn,
delivered by DHL.


Jules
by bjondon
Tue Feb 04, 2020 5:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Play-Worker
Replies: 7
Views: 660

Play-Worker

Are you a pop star?
said the sixers
A boy or a girl?
piped the elevens
Bit of a prat
but that was that
And this, now
is the titfer tat
Yeah, if you wanna get a head
get a bloody hat
And that, this
and an ocean full of lukewarm piss
(do I mean bliss?)
is that
by bjondon
Tue Feb 04, 2020 3:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: All the Little Coasts of America (Revision)
Replies: 16
Views: 1084

Re: All the Little Coasts of America (Revision)

Thanks mac, Poet and Not - did everyone realise the inkblot image is the Americas mirrored horizontally and vertically? mac - yes, a better flow with 'a gent in' If I ever get to make a complete series of these I might call it 'Pages from my Inkblot Atlas' There's a definite parallel between the vis...
by bjondon
Sat Feb 01, 2020 8:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: All the Little Coasts of America (Revision)
Replies: 16
Views: 1084

Re: All the Little Coasts of America (Revision)

Thank you JJ, Miles and mac - a word/image revision posted (with added landlockeds) JJ - delighted with your comment. This is light verse, a form of nonsense poetry, but I seem to be hooked on it. mac - thanks for your suggestion, duly taken on board. This being a circumnavigation, name-checking eac...
by bjondon
Thu Jan 30, 2020 4:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Anglesey birds in mystery mass death (revision4)
Replies: 19
Views: 1445

Re: Anglesey birds in mystery mass death (revision3)

Hi mac - great poem and some interesting revisions. The marriage of bric-a-brac and cul-de-sac is gorgeous but in the end I think it draws too much of the spotlight - and it still doesn't sit right (ironing it too Dada/comic, living in it too gratuitous, telling us what we already know). … I think t...