Search found 347 matches

by bjondon
Mon Apr 22, 2019 8:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Onlie Begetter (V2)
Replies: 4
Views: 69

Re: The Onlie Begetter (V2)

Thanks Pauline and mac - great responses - This is a purely sonic piece (think Kurt Schwitters - though less explosive, more of a metric, walking rhythm). The cultural refs and Shakespeare red herring are welcome bonuses (loved the jk...lmnop urban dictionary double bluff). Pauline - you could have ...
by bjondon
Mon Apr 22, 2019 1:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Girl with Boa
Replies: 6
Views: 72

Re: Girl with Boa

You're not one of those full costume live re-enacters are you Not? I'm more of a Mary Poppins man myself (I usually go as a penguin). This is a really superb piece, sonics and concept. You are very good with animals (cf Bear Pit) but also drugs (cf You Are The Rain) - They could almost be a little t...
by bjondon
Sun Apr 21, 2019 5:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Onlie Begetter (V2)
Replies: 4
Views: 69

The Onlie Begetter (V2)

j k l m n o p .
j k l m n o p .
i ! . . .
j k l m n o p
QR! . .
QR! . . .
s - t - u - v
j k l m n o p .
j.k..l ..m
nop




V1

jklmnop
jklmnop
i
jklmnop
QR!
QR!
s - t - u - v
jklmnop
jkl m
nop
by bjondon
Sun Apr 21, 2019 5:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ferret
Replies: 5
Views: 57

Re: Ferret

Great poem Tony. Loved the different weight
given to the two 'yip yip yip's. 'Balancing' as a
one word sentence. Really well put together.
Don't mind the its.
Jules
by bjondon
Sun Apr 21, 2019 5:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Am I an Englishman? (V4)
Replies: 27
Views: 1802

Re: Am I an Englishman? (V4)

Hmm
Thank you Not
I will take a breath to think on.
I would justify the triplet by the intended
emphasis on quite a big pause between
I think and I am . . . in fact maybe a comma
is worth a try there.
You are right ofcourse, the page is its own
special territory.
J
by bjondon
Sun Apr 21, 2019 4:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Am I an Englishman? (V4)
Replies: 27
Views: 1802

Re: Am I an Englishman? (V4)

Thanks Not - I've shifted the here and given Derbyshire its own line. I think that is a little better. And I'm keeping my two thinks . . . it's all about the intonation,(see YouTube) and a very English idiomatic thing so kind of appropriate, plus the 'Yes!' does set it up differently. Glad you've im...
by bjondon
Sun Apr 21, 2019 2:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Am I an Englishman? (V4)
Replies: 27
Views: 1802

Re: Am I an Englishman? (V5)

Thank you Not and JJ, - the final lap - both your contributions just the spur I needed :) Not :- Have gone for the full triplets, but stretching with shorter lines rather than compressing with longer ones. S7/8 (now 8/9) Yes, wasn't too happy with the two withins. It's partly a question of whether t...
by bjondon
Sat Apr 20, 2019 3:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: It's the revolution guys!
Replies: 2
Views: 62

It's the revolution guys!

Not a poem Nothing to say! You lot don't need to be told Just putting down a marker I'm over-excited! I think this really might be it If you're able get down there Or give money I will delete this soon I know it's bad manners We have had quiet glorious revolutions before Capitalism is not the enemy ...
by bjondon
Fri Apr 19, 2019 7:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Struggling with Conversion
Replies: 6
Views: 72

Re: Struggling with Conversion

A moving and well crafted piece Perry. I like the way it builds us for the fall of that stuffed chair image and the final donkey's kick of the last separated line. Whether we believe or not the reader is willing this god to exist. The choice of capitalisations sometimes seems a bit arbitrary. It doe...
by bjondon
Fri Apr 19, 2019 6:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Am I an Englishman? (V4)
Replies: 27
Views: 1802

Re: Am I an Englishman? (V4)

Thank you Not, have tweaked accordingly.
I think this might be the final version.
You were right S7 wasn't quite working.
Rather than go more concise I have expanded
a bit - now two triplets.
Hostile had its outing but have gone back
to foreign.
Jules
by bjondon
Fri Apr 19, 2019 3:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Depot
Replies: 2
Views: 40

Re: Depot

Yes, very good . . . all in the title
S4 my fave . . . so far
Will be back after others have savoured.
Jules
by bjondon
Fri Apr 19, 2019 1:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Girl with Boa
Replies: 6
Views: 72

Re: Girl with Boa

Very good Not.
Snake or woman? Either way it would
appear the poet is about to be eaten.
Haven't figured out the last sentence
but like the ambiguity.
Wouldn't change a thing.
Jules
by bjondon
Wed Apr 17, 2019 9:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Triffids
Replies: 7
Views: 169

Re: Triffids

I like it too C - great energy and a brave poetic strategy. The vaping metaphor is spot on but the faxed forced rhyme and pun are a bit old hat, the whole printing metaphor not adding much. (On second thoughts though, given the pace of the piece and the kind of knowing ratatattat of cliches it might...
by bjondon
Wed Apr 17, 2019 8:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Toads, Toads, Toads V4 (formerly Toad Will See You Now )
Replies: 15
Views: 671

Re: Toads, Toads, Toads V4 (formerly Toad Will See You Now )

Hi Honour, it wasn't me who sent the notification.
I suspect you must have clicked on something that sent
you an auto note whenever there was a reply.
I may well know even less than you do about these arcane techno-matters.
Regards,
Jules
by bjondon
Wed Apr 17, 2019 3:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Tribbles (revised)
Replies: 16
Views: 227

Re: Tribbles (revised)

Hi JJ, I am starting to get it now - the list in particular much more comic (Meldrew meets Borges :) ) - though 'pouches'? How about 'ponchos' or 'paunches'. The squinting eyes definitely help too. Suggest "Your money . . . " has its own line And I think the last lines of both S3 + 4 are not needed....
by bjondon
Wed Apr 17, 2019 1:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Am I an Englishman? (V4)
Replies: 27
Views: 1802

Re: Am I an Englishman? (V4)

Thanks guys! - this is definitely my best piece (and not at all typical) Tristan - thanks for the thumbs up and the nomination - that is very encouraging camus - big compliment - very appreciated. I wanted the focus to widen out at the end, and great as those three patrilinear nations sound, it feel...
by bjondon
Tue Apr 16, 2019 7:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Scan
Replies: 3
Views: 123

Re: Scan

Really like this Luke . . . if the aim was to achieve a sense of levitating along with this couple viewing the first scan of their first baby I would say it succeeds. A real sense of the joy and wonder. For now we’re cocooned in machine light, fresh dew. . . . . . fresh dew is a bit confusing and do...
by bjondon
Tue Apr 16, 2019 3:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Perpetual Motion
Replies: 13
Views: 677

Re: Perpetual Motion

Thank you David, Tristan, Namyh, riverrun and Kris. Very gratified by the response. The last tweak is always the hardest. I have posted two possible versions - the top one replaces that cheese/hammer couplet with something a bit harsher and more tightly focused. The bottom one - as David suggested -...
by bjondon
Mon Apr 15, 2019 1:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 589

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

Hi Joao - liking V4 Some judicious workshopping going on. Glad you returned to 'on watch', and the closing sentence works much better now; something to do with the preceding 'pounding of false paces', plus giving it it's own two lines to breathe in and the whole new format. L6 - 'seething' breaks th...
by bjondon
Mon Apr 15, 2019 11:48 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Lycorine in the Living Room (revised)
Replies: 14
Views: 300

Re: Lycorine in the Living Room (revised)

Hi mac, so many layers to this! I am starting to recognize this garden - a sort of troubled eden - but hopeful too - would make a great mini collection. My micro-niggle with 'bows' in V1 seems to have been solved in V2 with the addition of 'humbles and' Lycorine is an ugly word, but distinctive (hin...
by bjondon
Fri Apr 12, 2019 5:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Tribbles (revised)
Replies: 16
Views: 227

Re: Tribbles

Hi JJ, when I was at art college there was this guy who developed an entire artistic cosmology around his hatred of cushions . . . . he prowled around the building secretly cushioning everything . . . his two greatest triumphs were to cushion a grass verge (beautifully customised hand made cushionin...
by bjondon
Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Interplanetary Love (revision 2)
Replies: 14
Views: 275

Re: Interplanetary Love

Hi JJ,
brilliant title . . . What happens if this is made declamatory
e.g. 'Sister dear . . .'? It just feels there is a strongly felt recipient and
it might gain from being more directional . . . It somehow reminds me
of WS's dark lady
Jules
by bjondon
Sun Apr 07, 2019 8:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')
Replies: 11
Views: 311

Re: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')

Really useful crits - thank you especially Not and Joao. Perry - I know 'enigmatic' in your book is code for 'failed' - actually this is a completely literal poem (words will have their way though) … If you drop by again I hope you find V2/3 a bit clearer. lotus - queen of the disharmonic union :) …...
by bjondon
Sat Apr 06, 2019 7:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Second Cup Of Coffee
Replies: 4
Views: 201

Re: Second Cup Of Coffee

Enjoyed getting lost in this one lotus,
- the spacing (in : of : the)
- the commodities (coffee : pistachios : silk)
- the three S's (second cup : silk route : silent lotus)
- the elements (rain : rainbows : moss).
Regards,
Jules
by bjondon
Fri Apr 05, 2019 6:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Lapsed Catholic at Prayer
Replies: 7
Views: 206

Re: A Lapsed Catholic at Prayer

Hi Charles, - an excellent conceit and well followed through. I especially like the chippy energy of the first 4 stanzas. Not too sure about Plato . . . I suppose it gives a hellenic angle on the N and taking your foot off the pedal here is good tone-wise but 'it's just not how it's done these days'...