The Poets' Graves Workshop

Thanks Pauline and mac - great responses - This is a purely sonic piece (think Kurt Schwitters - though less explosive, more of a metric, walking rhythm). The cultural refs and Shakespeare red herring are welcome bonuses (loved the jk...lmnop urban dictionary double bluff). Pauline - you could have ...

You're not one of those full costume live re-enacters are you Not? I'm more of a Mary Poppins man myself (I usually go as a penguin). This is a really superb piece, sonics and concept. You are very good with animals (cf Bear Pit) but also drugs (cf You Are The Rain) - They could almost be a little t...

j k l m n o p .
j k l m n o p .
i ! . . .
j k l m n o p
QR! . .
QR! . . .
s - t - u - v
j k l m n o p .
j.k..l ..m
nop



V1

jklmnop
jklmnop
i
jklmnop
QR!
QR!
s - t - u - v
jklmnop
jkl m
nop

Great poem Tony. Loved the different weight
given to the two 'yip yip yip's. 'Balancing' as a
one word sentence. Really well put together.
Don't mind the its.
Jules

Hmm
Thank you Not
I will take a breath to think on.
I would justify the triplet by the intended
emphasis on quite a big pause between
I think and I am . . . in fact maybe a comma
is worth a try there.
You are right ofcourse, the page is its own
special territory.
J

Thanks Not - I've shifted the here and given Derbyshire its own line. I think that is a little better. And I'm keeping my two thinks . . . it's all about the intonation,(see YouTube) and a very English idiomatic thing so kind of appropriate, plus the 'Yes!' does set it up differently. Glad you've im...

Thank you Not and JJ, - the final lap - both your contributions just the spur I needed :) Not :- Have gone for the full triplets, but stretching with shorter lines rather than compressing with longer ones. S7/8 (now 8/9) Yes, wasn't too happy with the two withins. It's partly a question of whether t...

Not a poem Nothing to say! You lot don't need to be told Just putting down a marker I'm over-excited! I think this really might be it If you're able get down there Or give money I will delete this soon I know it's bad manners We have had quiet glorious revolutions before Capitalism is not the enemy ...

A moving and well crafted piece Perry. I like the way it builds us for the fall of that stuffed chair image and the final donkey's kick of the last separated line. Whether we believe or not the reader is willing this god to exist. The choice of capitalisations sometimes seems a bit arbitrary. It doe...

Thank you Not, have tweaked accordingly.
I think this might be the final version.
You were right S7 wasn't quite working.
Rather than go more concise I have expanded
a bit - now two triplets.
Hostile had its outing but have gone back
to foreign.
Jules

Yes, very good . . . all in the title
S4 my fave . . . so far
Will be back after others have savoured.
Jules

Very good Not.
Snake or woman? Either way it would
appear the poet is about to be eaten.
Haven't figured out the last sentence
but like the ambiguity.
Wouldn't change a thing.
Jules

I like it too C - great energy and a brave poetic strategy. The vaping metaphor is spot on but the faxed forced rhyme and pun are a bit old hat, the whole printing metaphor not adding much. (On second thoughts though, given the pace of the piece and the kind of knowing ratatattat of cliches it might...

Hi Honour, it wasn't me who sent the notification.
I suspect you must have clicked on something that sent
you an auto note whenever there was a reply.
I may well know even less than you do about these arcane techno-matters.
Regards,
Jules

Hi JJ, I am starting to get it now - the list in particular much more comic (Meldrew meets Borges :) ) - though 'pouches'? How about 'ponchos' or 'paunches'. The squinting eyes definitely help too. Suggest "Your money . . . " has its own line And I think the last lines of both S3 + 4 are not needed....

Thanks guys! - this is definitely my best piece (and not at all typical) Tristan - thanks for the thumbs up and the nomination - that is very encouraging camus - big compliment - very appreciated. I wanted the focus to widen out at the end, and great as those three patrilinear nations sound, it feel...

Really like this Luke . . . if the aim was to achieve a sense of levitating along with this couple viewing the first scan of their first baby I would say it succeeds. A real sense of the joy and wonder. For now we’re cocooned in machine light, fresh dew. . . . . . fresh dew is a bit confusing and do...

Thank you David, Tristan, Namyh, riverrun and Kris. Very gratified by the response. The last tweak is always the hardest. I have posted two possible versions - the top one replaces that cheese/hammer couplet with something a bit harsher and more tightly focused. The bottom one - as David suggested -...

Hi Joao - liking V4 Some judicious workshopping going on. Glad you returned to 'on watch', and the closing sentence works much better now; something to do with the preceding 'pounding of false paces', plus giving it it's own two lines to breathe in and the whole new format. L6 - 'seething' breaks th...

Hi mac, so many layers to this! I am starting to recognize this garden - a sort of troubled eden - but hopeful too - would make a great mini collection. My micro-niggle with 'bows' in V1 seems to have been solved in V2 with the addition of 'humbles and' Lycorine is an ugly word, but distinctive (hin...

Hi JJ, when I was at art college there was this guy who developed an entire artistic cosmology around his hatred of cushions . . . . he prowled around the building secretly cushioning everything . . . his two greatest triumphs were to cushion a grass verge (beautifully customised hand made cushionin...

Hi JJ,
brilliant title . . . What happens if this is made declamatory
e.g. 'Sister dear . . .'? It just feels there is a strongly felt recipient and
it might gain from being more directional . . . It somehow reminds me
of WS's dark lady
Jules

Really useful crits - thank you especially Not and Joao. Perry - I know 'enigmatic' in your book is code for 'failed' - actually this is a completely literal poem (words will have their way though) … If you drop by again I hope you find V2/3 a bit clearer. lotus - queen of the disharmonic union :) …...

Enjoyed getting lost in this one lotus,
- the spacing (in : of : the)
- the commodities (coffee : pistachios : silk)
- the three S's (second cup : silk route : silent lotus)
- the elements (rain : rainbows : moss).
Regards,
Jules

Hi Charles, - an excellent conceit and well followed through. I especially like the chippy energy of the first 4 stanzas. Not too sure about Plato . . . I suppose it gives a hellenic angle on the N and taking your foot off the pedal here is good tone-wise but 'it's just not how it's done these days'...