Search found 359 matches

by bjondon
Mon May 20, 2019 3:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: core structure of absence (revision)
Replies: 11
Views: 203

Re: core structure of absence (revision)

Hi river, have you had much experience with poetry workshops? This revision seems pretty good (just the last half of Stanza4 I would question) - but I have no idea what you have changed . . . I know myself with longer pieces it is tempting to edit on the hop - if just a few changes you can always de...
by bjondon
Sat May 18, 2019 2:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Onlie Begetter (V3)
Replies: 10
Views: 282

Re: The Onlie Begetter (V2)

At last, an awakening response! I do remember and love those flobalobs too David :) Peter . . . you are much closer than you think . . . kids in the back of a car are kind of exactly the creative melting pot I am mining here! Honour . . . really pleased you are picking up on the visual elements . . ...
by bjondon
Sat May 18, 2019 12:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flowers
Replies: 11
Views: 178

Re: Flowers

Shades of John Crowe Ransom, Larkin . . . really like this. I'd drop that last three line stanza, it ends more powerfully with the preceding one . . . but just a minor niggle . . . well done! Jules Yeah, the Hayden is a beautiful poem . . . I note the oo sounds of too and blue playing against all th...
by bjondon
Wed May 08, 2019 9:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Depot
Replies: 9
Views: 231

Re: Depot

A judicious revision Charles. All I would change now is revert back to version one's final stanza . . . I thought the stacking shelves line a much better ending and to me it linked to the act of writing poetry - the contrarian implication being that the controlled mind is actually the real source of...
by bjondon
Sun May 05, 2019 5:12 pm
Forum: Poetry Discussion
Topic: Poems That You Love
Replies: 93
Views: 14303

Re: Poems That You Love

Just parachuting in . . .hi Perry and David - that Stallings Cardinal Numbers is quite extraordinary . . . . is it Allan Ahlberg who writes 'humourous' verse with something approaching the same deadpan razor sharp wit? Will have to dig one of his out. I suspect Stallings goes further and deeper. Tha...
by bjondon
Sat May 04, 2019 4:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ferret
Replies: 14
Views: 300

Re: Ferret

Good workshopping! … especially the touch on L4. L1 - I'd put the 'its' back here, softening the alliteration a bit. S2 - all good S3 - I liked the 'But' up on L13 , it seemed to give that whole sentence better pacing and impact. L15 - I'd restore 'It was' - it places it more firmly as memory, cheri...
by bjondon
Tue Apr 30, 2019 5:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Nominate features!
Replies: 30
Views: 11722

Re: Nominate features!

Thank you Tristan and JJ - this is really encouraging! I had a fit of tweaking, but I think it's good to go now. I notice we seem to have two 'nominate features' forums and I have looked but still not found the actual features one. I probably just need to go explore the castle a bit more :) Regards,...
by bjondon
Mon Apr 29, 2019 6:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: of spotless ways of despair
Replies: 4
Views: 149

Re: of spotless ways of despair

This is quite something river - I have never seen anything like it but then I am not that widely read. Do you have any specific influences? Elsewhere you have mentioned your interest in the no-man's-land between languages - presumably Portuguese and English. I like the relentless tone, the inventive...
by bjondon
Mon Apr 29, 2019 3:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Fugue [was 'leave a message'] version 2
Replies: 15
Views: 389

Re: leave a message

My best friend is a GP who wishes he wasn't, so maybe I am picking up on that vibe. Without the fugue state puzzle this becomes a bit tame. Sometimes it is the things that don't quite work on the surface that make a poem tick, keep drawing the reader back. Poetry is precise but language isn't . . . ...
by bjondon
Sat Apr 27, 2019 1:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Rising and the Shining
Replies: 6
Views: 163

Re: The Rising and the Shining

Thanks for partially rescuing this Tony.
Tristan and mac . . . glad you are responding
and pointing where I have miscued.
A revision should be up any moment soon.
Jules
by bjondon
Fri Apr 26, 2019 9:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Onlie Begetter (V3)
Replies: 10
Views: 282

Re: The Onlie Begetter (V2)

Thanks Pauline and Perry . . . I can see I'm not going to convert you hardcore romantics but you might get something from this brilliant poetry foundation page on Kurt Schwitter's 'Ursonate' - according to them the greatest sound poem of the 20th century . . . https://www.poetryfoundation.org/harrie...
by bjondon
Fri Apr 26, 2019 6:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)
Replies: 19
Views: 302

Re: Parc Cwm Darran

Brilliant! - the very one . . . it's a while since I've read that
. . . I wonder where? Knew I was asking the right man :)
The other four on that site are pretty good too.
Thanks mac.
J
by bjondon
Fri Apr 26, 2019 4:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Dancing Girl (new ending)
Replies: 13
Views: 287

Re: Dancing Girl

Hi Perry, I'm having difficulty buying some of the seeming assumptions behind this narrative. The pairing of this poem with your excellent Baryshnikov one is a bold and potentially successful drawing of equivalence between the psychology and aesthetic dynamics of a lap dancer/ stripper and a high ar...
by bjondon
Fri Apr 26, 2019 3:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)
Replies: 19
Views: 302

Re: Parc Cwm Darran

Roethke certainly runs the gamut but I'm beginning to doubt the poem I had in mind is by him . . . It's about a guy sitting on a hillside looking at the sun glinting gold off horseshit on the opposite side of the valley . . . it's drowsy and beautifully written and then deliciously thrown away in th...
by bjondon
Fri Apr 26, 2019 12:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Rising and the Shining
Replies: 6
Views: 163

Re: The Rising and the Shining

Thanks mac . . . I suppose I am playing with the definition
and attributed weight given to desire. We both rise and shine.
J
by bjondon
Thu Apr 25, 2019 1:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)
Replies: 19
Views: 302

Re: Parc Cwm Darran

The lyrical weariness, the gear changes, the stubborn hope
do remind me of Roethke. I read it to mum and she laughed
in all the right places!
Jules
by bjondon
Wed Apr 24, 2019 8:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Fugue [was 'leave a message'] version 2
Replies: 15
Views: 389

Re: leave a message

Hi Peter, this is framed as a neat but weirdly detached conceit voicing the gulf between a doctor's professional and personal paradigm/vocabulary by ghosting his recorded telephone message with what he is apparently really thinking . . . but that doesn't quite match the opening focus on a fugue stat...
by bjondon
Wed Apr 24, 2019 6:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Rising and the Shining
Replies: 6
Views: 163

The Rising and the Shining

Age sharpens desire True, its younger blunter form bore all the weight -and what a bore! But now the balance swings, exact Find what you need to do and act Could there be anything simpler than that? Forget the sex That fruit may or may not fall into your lap We all are robots filled with desire And ...
by bjondon
Wed Apr 24, 2019 1:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: On Wanting a Chair to be a Chippendale (V2)
Replies: 12
Views: 262

Re: On Wanting a Chair to be a Chippendale

The anthropomorphisation of the chair, the subtle choice of language to cue painful cultural juxtaposions . . .this does seem to be about slavery . . . and I'm liking it more each time I read it. The two traces bother me a little . . . would it work to change the first to 'spy' (setting up a nice 18...
by bjondon
Mon Apr 22, 2019 8:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Onlie Begetter (V3)
Replies: 10
Views: 282

Re: The Onlie Begetter (V2)

Thanks Pauline and mac - great responses - This is a purely sonic piece (think Kurt Schwitters - though less explosive, more of a metric, walking rhythm). The cultural refs and Shakespeare red herring are welcome bonuses (loved the jk...lmnop urban dictionary double bluff). Pauline - you could have ...
by bjondon
Mon Apr 22, 2019 1:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Girl with Boa
Replies: 10
Views: 236

Re: Girl with Boa

You're not one of those full costume live re-enacters are you Not? I'm more of a Mary Poppins man myself (I usually go as a penguin). This is a really superb piece, sonics and concept. You are very good with animals (cf Bear Pit) but also drugs (cf You Are The Rain) - They could almost be a little t...
by bjondon
Sun Apr 21, 2019 5:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Onlie Begetter (V3)
Replies: 10
Views: 282

The Onlie Begetter (V3)

j k l m n o p . j k l m n o p . i ! . . . j k l m n o p QR! . . QR! . . . s - t - u - v j k l m n o p . j . k .. l .. m nop Minor revision from V2, just adding three dots to i! and switching off italics on the QR exclamation marks V1 jklmnop jklmnop i jklmnop QR! QR! s - t - u - v jklmnop jkl m nop
by bjondon
Sun Apr 21, 2019 5:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ferret
Replies: 14
Views: 300

Re: Ferret

Great poem Tony. Loved the different weight
given to the two 'yip yip yip's. 'Balancing' as a
one word sentence. Really well put together.
Don't mind the its.
Jules
by bjondon
Sun Apr 21, 2019 5:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Am I an Englishman? (V4)
Replies: 27
Views: 2026

Re: Am I an Englishman? (V4)

Hmm
Thank you Not
I will take a breath to think on.
I would justify the triplet by the intended
emphasis on quite a big pause between
I think and I am . . . in fact maybe a comma
is worth a try there.
You are right ofcourse, the page is its own
special territory.
J
by bjondon
Sun Apr 21, 2019 4:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Am I an Englishman? (V4)
Replies: 27
Views: 2026

Re: Am I an Englishman? (V4)

Thanks Not - I've shifted the here and given Derbyshire its own line. I think that is a little better. And I'm keeping my two thinks . . . it's all about the intonation,(see YouTube) and a very English idiomatic thing so kind of appropriate, plus the 'Yes!' does set it up differently. Glad you've im...