Search found 498 matches

by bjondon
Sat Sep 21, 2019 7:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: That Night The Key Outgrew The Door
Replies: 7
Views: 416

Re: That Night The Key Outgrew The Door

Hi Ray, did the title move?… I could swear it just got better. Enjoying this even more on the second reading. It feels very polished - my merest flicker of a suggestion might be to replace 'slow' with 'low' in L2. Favourite bits: - the thread from 'orange glow' to 'Coral' and the somehow joyfully ov...
by bjondon
Sat Sep 21, 2019 6:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Art Lover
Replies: 8
Views: 315

Re: Art Lover

Of course there is also 'Bride Descending a Staircase' - the mother of all conceptual art works. The revision excellent. 'crime' had its advantages but 'slant' captures much better a sense of a world view. What I like about this is the way it turns on such a nondescript feature - the kind of thing y...
by bjondon
Wed Sep 18, 2019 9:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Mid-Atlantic Braes V3 (A Prayer for Difference / The Difference)
Replies: 9
Views: 662

Re: A Prayer for Difference (V3 - formerly The Difference)

Hi JJ - thanks for the input. Can I get away with 'brae'? - your query made me think a bit harder - It is Scots for hillside or slope and I have decided it might make more sense in the plural (as Burns uses it in Auld Lang Syne) … When you are out on the ocean it can certainly feel like being surrou...
by bjondon
Fri Sep 13, 2019 3:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: That Night The Key Outgrew The Door
Replies: 7
Views: 416

Re: That Night The Key Outgrew The Door

Hi ray, there's a peculiar tension here between the breathlessness and
the tetrametric plod. I like it but wonder if pushing it a tad more
towards Walrus and Carpenter territory might edge it further (the brackets of nostalgia?)
Jules
by bjondon
Thu Sep 12, 2019 10:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: 2,3,4… (V2)
Replies: 5
Views: 224

Re: 2,3,4… (V2)

Thanks mac - I've adopted the 'ate' alt . . . this is such a weird grammatical oddity - I wasn't quite twigging Luke's point, but it seems I am in my own unique dialect imagining that you can spell the past participle of 'to eat' as 'eat'. The dictionary says 'ate' can be pronounced to rhyme with ei...
by bjondon
Wed Sep 11, 2019 11:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: 2,3,4… (V2)
Replies: 5
Views: 224

Re: 2,3,4… (V2)

Thanks Luke and Ray, - quite a fast write . . . glad you like it. Luke - I see everything as dialect, but 'city suit' for sure, and of course the poetry jargon of L1. Nevertheless . . . italics seemed like a good idea. V2 overbaked? [V1 was as above, less S5 and the ellipsis on S4] Ray - yes, it bui...
by bjondon
Tue Sep 10, 2019 10:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: 2,3,4… (V2)
Replies: 5
Views: 224

2,3,4… (V2)

the couplet, the tercet, the quatrain sweat in the company of one-liners the commute, the city suit, the soft rain drip with incessant kindness the back flip, the triolet, the eggnog swing to my love's blindness the couple having ate, the terse feck, on the radio the quartet … No, enough, of that sa...
by bjondon
Sun Sep 08, 2019 8:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Simmering - an alternative version
Replies: 25
Views: 1074

Re: Simmering

Of course if this is a Brexit metaphor . . . . cachinnating offstage

returns:: I'm getting 'clause 4' for the lunchbox

J
by bjondon
Sun Sep 08, 2019 7:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Mid-Atlantic Braes V3 (A Prayer for Difference / The Difference)
Replies: 9
Views: 662

Re: A Prayer for Difference (V3 - formerly The Difference)

Thanks Geoff, mac and Tristan - apologies for the slow response. I was planning to augment the original with a second half, but really it has turned into a sparate poem. Anyway the V3 up and I've tweaked the V2. Tristan - I don't know if I have caught the conceptual irony you were hinting at in your...
by bjondon
Sat Sep 07, 2019 4:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: escalator, masticator, (cogibrator)
Replies: 6
Views: 345

Re: The Escalator

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Thu Sep 05, 2019 11:29 am
.
. . . a little flat.
.
-> bumpier?

J
by bjondon
Fri Sep 06, 2019 10:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Simmering - an alternative version
Replies: 25
Views: 1074

Re: Simmering

Hi Ray, your beginnings are always a bit better than your endings. Not that this is much short of brilliant. Just L7 & L8 - Maybe endstop on 'toast', then begin 'She's engrossed' 'as I watch her' sounds wrongly significant (predatorial? disdainful?) 'those contestants' as if that's what happens ever...
by bjondon
Fri Sep 06, 2019 7:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Cheapside protocol
Replies: 10
Views: 682

Re: The Cheapside protocol

Hi David, didn't feel a burning need to google any of this - perhaps guessing I'd be on a hiding to nothing or more willing to settle in my poetic bargaining than other more perspicacious customers. I like it as a collision of languages poetic and medical, archaic and modern. Two parties discussing ...
by bjondon
Fri Sep 06, 2019 4:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: escalator, masticator, (cogibrator)
Replies: 6
Views: 345

Re: The Escalator

Maybe a misfire. Without the sonics this is quite a one dimensional perhaps pointless piece . . . but no-one seems to get the sonics. Triggered by memories of my twenty something self feeling particularly smug 'looking down' on the parade of urban humanity you get presented to you when descending in...
by bjondon
Wed Sep 04, 2019 10:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Invasive (with apologies to JJ - was Immigration)
Replies: 5
Views: 1058

Re: Invasive (with apologies to JJ - was Immigration)

Hi Joao -an excellent and well crafted piece. There was a flavour of mystery in your Pinus anthropomorphisation, that also gave it a non-committal air but both are now changed with this more dramatic and pointed augmentation. Now we have four 'we's, effectively 'shelved' and arrayed in a sequence. I...
by bjondon
Tue Sep 03, 2019 5:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: How the Oyster Got His Pearl v2
Replies: 14
Views: 484

Re: How the Oyster Got His Pearl

I think you can do without the first sentence of S3 and the second sentence of S4.
Jules
by bjondon
Mon Sep 02, 2019 3:28 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: Guest Editing September’s Snakeskin
Replies: 20
Views: 1525

Re: Guest Editing September’s Snakeskin

Yay! My first publication of anything anywhere!
Thanks Tristan, Luke and mac. It is exciting to be in such good company. (Seth's marvellous huddle of machinery is very funny).
It seems like quite a special issue.
And I liked the photograph you chose above my piece.
Cheers everyone,
Jules
by bjondon
Sun Sep 01, 2019 8:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Window Washer
Replies: 6
Views: 280

Re: The Window Washer

Hi Namyh - this has a rather brilliant aplomb to it, the gentle sucker punch at the end perfectly pitched . . . It deserves to be perfect, so I'll add my two cents . . . Basically just L3 and L14 that niggle. I'm ok with the pre-flagged 'snobbish delight' but maybe instead of 'polish her nails' (whi...
by bjondon
Sun Sep 01, 2019 4:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: escalator, masticator, (cogibrator)
Replies: 6
Views: 345

escalator, masticator, (cogibrator)

I'm on the down escalator looking at the people on the up escalator Time is turning escalading 28 and I'm still quietly cachinnating on the down . . . . . . . . . escalator cogibrating softly gazing down my nose at all the 95% of hopeless wankers on the up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . escal...
by bjondon
Fri Aug 30, 2019 4:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: What took you so long?
Replies: 4
Views: 252

Re: What took you so long?

Thanks Poet, Ray and JJ - it's just abit of 'eco-trowelling' with a cock-eyed attempt to draft in the strange simultaneity of our particular UK political end days . . . the title was more of an afterthought (a quote from Trump congratulating Johnson - 'Let the hegemony begin!') … I was thinking of r...
by bjondon
Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Holes
Replies: 8
Views: 325

Re: Holes

Shouldn't that be 'in search of extramural satisfaction'?
Loved the basket, biscuit, sheep shit, Missus, rubbish, bedsheet progression.
Last two lines either too much or not enough.
Maybe a more oblique way of signposting the dogshit?
Jules
by bjondon
Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Cycling Sportive for the armchair competitor
Replies: 12
Views: 478

Re: Cycling Sportive for the armchair competitor

Yes, it was the musicality that kept me coming back to this. Do you remember an ad for some god-awful car where every sound effect, from all the changing road surfaces to the clunck of the door and the alarm's affirmative chirps are performed by a live choir? I hadn't thought of the N being blind bu...
by bjondon
Thu Aug 29, 2019 3:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Cycling Sportive for the armchair competitor
Replies: 12
Views: 478

Re: Cycling Sportive for the armchair competitor

Hi Luke - your usual burst of marvellously constrained and released joy, brimming with begged questions. It's difficult to crit your poems because we so rarely seem to get into the latter - too much fun tweaking the former. So I will dive straight in, picking up Perry's point. We temporarily shelve ...
by bjondon
Wed Aug 28, 2019 4:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Interplanetary Love (revision 5)
Replies: 33
Views: 1402

Re: Interplanetary Love (revision 5)

Hi JJ - I like the 'whoosh' between 'one' and 'thought' I wonder if another one between 'touch' and 'you' would work. It's actually pretty good as it stands though. A crazy idea: looking at all five, it's a nice progression . . . both logical and kind of frantic . . . the persistence of the search b...
by bjondon
Wed Aug 28, 2019 4:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: What took you so long?
Replies: 4
Views: 252

What took you so long?

We smashed the Bank Holiday by 5 degrees C
remember that day
It was August Nineteen
October 7, XR went down
and the 31st just flitted away
by bjondon
Wed Aug 28, 2019 2:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: You Be the Hammer V3 (was : So, I met the Devil himself/ The Gift)
Replies: 12
Views: 382

Re: Beyond Wood and Weevil (was: So, I met the Devil himself/ The Gift)

I think it’s the ‘we’ at the end that confuses me, Jules. Would you consider ditching it? Luke Yes! - I've done a V3 . . . there was alot packed into that 'we' ; it had the advantage of concision and the right cadence, but I think you're right, it created a bit of temporal confusion and fuzziness. ...