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by NotQuiteSure
Thu Oct 22, 2020 1:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Giant of Crabber Nas
Replies: 1
Views: 20

The Giant of Crabber Nas

. The Giant of Crabber Nas* It was done in one night when the moon was just bright enough to see, but not to be seen. A figure on the hillside cut into the chalk-white limestone, when all were asleep. In the dawning of morning that carving, unwarmed by the sun, left townsfolk aflutter "No idea how ...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Oct 20, 2020 1:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Forwarding
Replies: 7
Views: 88

Re: Forwarding

. Hi Trev, now that I know what a 'press' is (thanks for the introduction), I'd recommend keeping the word, maybe a a line or fragment to direct the reader though, as in he consults his kitchen press, white door, half-empty shelves and notes the level in his oregano jar ... ? (still not clear on wh...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Oct 20, 2020 11:17 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Chrysalis - revised
Replies: 10
Views: 102

Re: Chrysalis - revised

. Hi ray, S1 - like the change to L5 and wondered about switching the order of lines 6 and 7 (though that may not be entomologically accurate). S2 - I can see how this links to Catherine (and reduces the ambiguity that the 'pretend' Catherine played was with N, that she said she remembered her dad,...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Oct 20, 2020 11:03 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pandora's Jar
Replies: 5
Views: 34

Re: Pandora's Jar

. Hi Trev, mac, ray. Thanks all. Who carried us into your house? - Who is us and whose house are you on about? Us is both Pandora and the Jar, the who is Epimetheus (you remember, the bloke who was told not to accept gifts from Zeus), the man nobody blames. (mac, I think this answers your question ...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Oct 19, 2020 3:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pandora's Jar
Replies: 5
Views: 34

Pandora's Jar

.
Pandora's Jar


Who blames the axe
for the fallen tree

or the spear
for the battlefield dead?

Who accuses clay
or the potter's wheel?

Who welcomed us
into your house?

All, I was given
for you

and nothing willed
but was made

to open
and to carry.



.
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Oct 19, 2020 12:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Breathless (new title & revision 5)
Replies: 15
Views: 1384

Re: Breathless (new title & revision 5)

. Hi Eira, I think it works much better without the David and safety fence details. I think S3 could still be polished to a smoother finish ('we hope' seems a little passive after the more active 'walking') and is there a way to tie the sycamore wings to the absent 'your'? When the roses unfurl, we...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Oct 19, 2020 12:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spinoff v3 (Too Soon)
Replies: 17
Views: 251

Re: Spinoff v3 (Too Soon)

. Welcome back Eira, what kept you :) 12 syllables doesn't seem to fit. Might just be me though! :D I'm hoping it is just you :) Syllabically, it's a line an a half ... ish (metrically, and this is a guess, it's trimeter to tetrameter) - either way, I think it works rhythmically (in a read aloud so...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Oct 17, 2020 11:34 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Seasonal Adjustment
Replies: 7
Views: 75

Re: Seasonal Adjustment

. Hi Eira, always intrigued by your SAD pieces, but I think the swallows (such a clichéof a bird) make this feel a little too predictable, The contrast between N and the hedgehog however (if developed a little) strikes me as much more interesting. Just an opening suggestion Circadian Waves Daylight...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Oct 17, 2020 11:22 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spinoff v3 (Too Soon)
Replies: 17
Views: 251

Re: Spinoff v3 (Too Soon)

. Hi Eira, you're the second one to mention limericks, but no, it's as you say, an aabccb rhyme scheme. Which, following some hasty rummaging on the internet, turns out to be an accepted variant of a 'Sestain' (who knew?) :) Repeat of 'who' - You too? (I enjoy how it sounds when I read this aloud ....
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Oct 17, 2020 11:20 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Breathless (new title & revision 5)
Replies: 15
Views: 1384

Re: Breathless (new title & revision 5)

. Hi Eira, minor nit (L5) shouldn't it be plural? magnolias explode, their petals confetti and (L9) is there anything better than 'before'? Could you cut it? Still think you could cut S5, then preceding verses could be the 'reverie' that the ringtone blasts you out of. The whole verse is, to borrow...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Oct 16, 2020 10:51 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Chrysalis - revised
Replies: 10
Views: 102

Re: Chrysalis

. Hi ray, that's a satisfyingly sad ending (even allows one to overlook 'soar as high' :) ) but I thought there were a couple of stumbling points. 'ascend' (L5) seemed out of place, not the word one would you when speaking to a young (I presume) child, and lines 15-16, the change in addressee is a ...
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Oct 15, 2020 4:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Forwarding
Replies: 7
Views: 88

Re: Forwarding

. Hi Trev, the title's rather drab ( Traces or something more 'frilly' :) ?), and I think the first two verses both are a line or two too long. I like the voice (won't say why as it may be taken as an insult) and think the ending works very well with it. So, I found this knife ... Having found a ho...
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Oct 14, 2020 4:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Four Sunday Gods -v3
Replies: 19
Views: 241

Re: Paragliders

.
Hi ray,
I thought perhaps you were missing a pair of commas either side of bracketed.

Regards, Not

.
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Oct 13, 2020 5:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Four Sunday Gods -v3
Replies: 19
Views: 241

Re: Paragliders

. Hi ray, any chance of a few more commas? Could you bare to switch the order of lines 5 and 6? (What's the difference between 'bubbling up' and 'rising'?) With the understanding that I'm likely missing the point here, I did find it interesting to read this in reverse, from 4 to 1 (though couldn't ...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Oct 13, 2020 12:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spinoff v3 (Too Soon)
Replies: 17
Views: 251

Re: Spinoff v3 (Too Soon)

.
- v3 -


alternatively

who plagiarised Unwritten Plots
a Heart of Gold
the Oz Emerald
she pinched, and the Gordian Knot.

?

.
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Oct 13, 2020 11:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Alfred Wallis: A Fisherman No More (revision2)
Replies: 10
Views: 146

Re: Alfred Wallis: A Fisherman No More

. Hi mac, where is the 'fisherman' in the piece? Overall it has a bit too much of the encyclopaedia entry about it. I agree with ray about cutting those two lines (and maybe some of the the s?. He is strolling down the curve of cobbled streets, towards the pebbled beach. St Ives, Today he paints th...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Oct 13, 2020 10:58 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Brief Encounter
Replies: 2
Views: 43

Re: Brief Encounter

.
Hi mac.
That's ok. Thanks for the read.

Regards, Not.

.
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Oct 12, 2020 1:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Brief Encounter
Replies: 2
Views: 43

Brief Encounter

.
Brief Encounter


Hello, how are you, are you well, how you doing?

Aye I'm grand, feeling fine, can't complain, thanks for asking?
And yourself, how's the form, looking good, how you keeping?

Oh you know, mustn't grumble, gotta go, dinner's waiting.



.
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Oct 11, 2020 5:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Elusive (revision2)
Replies: 20
Views: 348

Re: Elusive (revision2)

.
Glad to hear it.
Not so glad about 'you fall over' - too much telling
(and it changes the reason for the photograph).
That said, it has stopped me wondering about
wearing only a 'frock' after the rain (I'd been
picturing it at this time of year).

Regards, Not


.
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Oct 11, 2020 2:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spinoff v3 (Too Soon)
Replies: 17
Views: 251

Re: Spinoff v3 (Too Soon)

.
Of course it would! Doh!

.
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Oct 11, 2020 2:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Elusive (revision2)
Replies: 20
Views: 348

Re: Elusive (revision2)

.
Hi Mac,
seems a bit lacklustre without the colour of the flamingos.
(My fault, for 'our'?)

Regards, Not

,
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Oct 10, 2020 2:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Elusive (revision2)
Replies: 20
Views: 348

Re: Elusive (revision2)

.
Hi mac,
not sure you needed to spell it out ('our fault')
but pleased to see 'ruckus' making an appearance.
(a ruckus of flamingos. Our fault. ?)
Seems more and more autumnal with each
reading.

Regards, Not

.
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Oct 09, 2020 2:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Elusive (revision2)
Replies: 20
Views: 348

Re: A sort of compensation (revision)

. Hi mac, not keen on the latest title, seems to be trying to force a reading onto the poem. Better without those as(es) Still think 'in flight' takes the effage over the top (not to mention all those bloody 'ells' Lake, spLutters, fLock, fLamingos, fLight, spLattered, freckLed), Maybe spattered fo...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Oct 09, 2020 11:59 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spinoff v3 (Too Soon)
Replies: 17
Views: 251

Re: Spinoff v2b (Too Soon)

.
Hi ray.
Now you got me thinking.
Would
To her delight
she pilfered the Plight
from the Fist of the Darstedly Vast

work?

(I'm going to stick with my who / who for now though. Can't seem to let go!)


regards, Not

.
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Oct 09, 2020 10:58 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spinoff v3 (Too Soon)
Replies: 17
Views: 251

Re: Spinoff v2 (Too Soon)

. Hi Trev, thanks for sticking with this. Damn and blast the ending. I'm going to go with ray's idea and just cut the whole stanza (if nothing else it has the virtue of requiring little effort) :). Thanks again. Hi ray, 'omit' it is. Likewise 'bucket' Any other rhyming issues you'd care to bring to...