Search found 802 matches

by NotQuiteSure
Sun Dec 09, 2018 3:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Fürstenzug (Procession of Princes)
Replies: 3
Views: 61

Re: The Fürstenzug (Procession of Princes)

. Hi Elphin. Very enjoyable read, with a bit of a wobble (probably just me) towards the end. The Fürstenzug (Procession of Princes) - Obviously had to look this up. The Grand Old Duke of York in this procession is played by the Grander and the Greater Margrave of Meissen, Conrad - wondered if it mi...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Dec 08, 2018 1:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Identifying remains
Replies: 6
Views: 66

Re: Identifying remains

. Hi Tony, enjoyed the read (though like JJ, wasn't sure about length). Did wonder, though, if it would be worth considering switching the order of the verses? The ' and ' S1/L5 makes the location of the dental records ambiguous, could be read as they were found in 'one of his legs'. ' a richer and...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Dec 08, 2018 1:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Post
Replies: 15
Views: 148

Re: The Post

.
Hi Jules (marketing! :) ), Tristan, Eira.

New title eh? Not averse to Jules' suggestion (essentially my original title
minus 'Saturday'), but is it 'strong' enough. And, do I move 'the post' back
to its original position of
My hour at this post is almost up ?

Regards, Not.
.
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Dec 08, 2018 1:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Elderly Japanese couple, Agrigento (revised)
Replies: 12
Views: 200

Re: Elderly Japanese couple, Agrigento (revised)

.
Like the new layout Luke.
My only thought is whether you need the last two words?
(Ending on 'always been' seems a bit stronger.)

Regards, Not.

PS. Not a crit, but a question. Did the couple (being Japanese)
actually say 'The Sea!'?


.
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Dec 07, 2018 4:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Running on the Spectrum
Replies: 5
Views: 66

Re: Running on the Spectrum

. Hi Eira, best foot forward :) It's a nice tale, but the language is a bit flat throughout, there's not much energy here (given the subject). Running on the Spectrum Thought this referred to the old ZX, but by the end it felt a bit heavy handed. Morning sun compliments his school It's a rather sta...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Dec 07, 2018 4:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Unpacking the Problem (V4)
Replies: 18
Views: 206

Re: Unpacking the Problem (V4)

Hi Jules,
I got the black tray, but had also wondered if it
wasn't a reference to crude oil (and fossil
fuels more generally as a feedstock) for plastic.
Tristan, what say you?
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Post
Replies: 15
Views: 148

Re: The Post

Yes I thought about the chains and mistakenly considered dog baiting/fighting... but then I realised that whips would probably not be used. I had forgotten that bear baiting was historically popular. I can't think how you can make it clearer unless a change in title to drop a hint. I think I would ...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Dec 07, 2018 12:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Post
Replies: 15
Views: 148

Re: The Post

.
Hi Tristan,
thanks for returning, glad it makes (some) sense now :)
Does it need a different title?

Hi Eira,
I thought the pit (+whip + chains) was a big clue, but maybe
it isn't sufficient (though Jules got it). Any ideas?

Thanks again.

Regards, Not.

.
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Dec 06, 2018 1:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Post
Replies: 15
Views: 148

Re: The Post

. Hi BJ, Tristan, between the two of you you got most of it. The Paris Gardens referred to is that 'ancient area of London' and the subject is a bear (the baiting thereof). See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bear-baiting http://internetshakespeare.uvic.ca/Library/SLT/society/city%20life/bear-baiting...
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Dec 06, 2018 1:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Unpacking the Problem (V4)
Replies: 18
Views: 206

Re: Unpacking the Problem (V2)

. Hi Tristan. Seems a bit 'bulky' now :) (and not sure if 'trust' works) I wonder at a more elliptical ... our actions seem sealed between [its?] blackness and [ the] outsourcing of trust to transparency. or even our actions seem [/are] sealed between blackness and transparency . Regards, Not. .
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Dec 05, 2018 2:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Unpacking the Problem (V4)
Replies: 18
Views: 206

Re: Unpacking the Problem

. Hi Tristan. Like the title (though want to add a parenthetical 'a fraction') and the idea. Not sure about the phrasing (two 'thats' in two lines) or ending on 'transparency' rather than 'blackness'. Just a thought. It is not just how we use plastic, but that it seems our actions are sealed betwee...
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Dec 05, 2018 1:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Post
Replies: 15
Views: 148

Re: The Post

Perry wrote:
Wed Dec 05, 2018 1:34 pm
are there typos in this poem?
Unfortunately, yes.
Corrected.
Thanks.
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Dec 05, 2018 12:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Post
Replies: 15
Views: 148

The Post

. The Post (in The Paris Gardens) Whips have taken both my eyes. Lashed me to a snarling dark, The Pit: fifteen feet of chain and baying over blood- slick earth I hear you straining at your leash. My hour is almost up. Spent and self-forgot. Death is dripping closer, slipping past these tattered co...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Dec 04, 2018 4:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: All Around the Loft Extensions Gaze (formerly 'Every Tree')
Replies: 9
Views: 155

Re: It Is Early Summer (formerly 'Every Tree')

. Hi BJ, some arresting images (liked the sycamore sea of the original) but I'll admit to being rather baffled. That said ... It Is Early Summer (formerly 'Every Tree') Whatever this is doing it isn't enough :) I'm compelled by the sycamore's fractal-churning greys and greens - To what are you comp...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Dec 04, 2018 12:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: It's Aye Been (Version 4)
Replies: 7
Views: 166

Re: It's Aye Been (Further revised)

. Hi Moth. Simultaneously more direct and less ... :) The tone is a bit too angry, feels slightly overbalanced now (if that make sense). it’s good for the roses, you know, - maybe change to a question: Don't you know it's good for the roses ? holler hate in the name of tradition . You're telling, a...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Dec 03, 2018 5:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Malcolm's Last Meal v2
Replies: 16
Views: 279

Re: Malcolm's Last Meal v2

. Hi Ross, thanks for returning. Slang can be vague about spelling but it is always spelt polie or pollie not polly, despite what slang dictionaries say . Not only slang dictionaries, -ie is more common than -y (apparently) but both are permissible. (And, in the case of 'relie' you also have 'rello...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Dec 03, 2018 3:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: It's Aye Been (Version 4)
Replies: 7
Views: 166

Re: It's Aye Been

. Hi Moth I wasn't saying cut the starting band , I was asking what it/they was/are :) Something to do with either tartan and/or kilts I assume? .... Hey you, with the silken rosette, get down off your horse and bag up the mess, - maybe 'that mess'? it’s good for the roses, you know , - To me this ...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Dec 03, 2018 3:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Indian Summer (revision 3)
Replies: 38
Views: 961

Re: Indian Summer (revision 3)

capricorn wrote:
Mon Dec 03, 2018 1:46 pm
this might be finished!
Famous last words! :D

Regards, Not.
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Dec 03, 2018 12:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Indian Summer (revision 3)
Replies: 38
Views: 961

Re: Indian Summer (revision 3)

. Hi Eira. Shadows dance as light dwindles. Sighs tantalize, a kiss before I'd suggested 'soften lips' less to replicate 'moisten' but to imply a softening of stance, of reluctance overcome etc. but I like ' tantalize '. My only issue (and be honest, you knew there'd be one) is the three / i /s - l...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Dec 02, 2018 6:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: It's Aye Been (Version 4)
Replies: 7
Views: 166

Re: It's Aye Been

. Hi Moth. Enjoyed the read, but I think you allowed yourself to be carried away in S3 (just a bit) :) It's Aye Been Nice title. It stinks round here – - excellent opening small town, closed mind, rank in wake of the cavalcade. should it be 'in [the] wake of the ...'? Doesn't quite fit with the 'vo...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Dec 02, 2018 4:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eating Breakfast While the Rohingya Flee
Replies: 13
Views: 256

Re: Eating Breakfast While the Rohingya Flee

. Hi Perry. I agree with Tony and Ros, the title is doing the work, those six lines (9-14) are redundant, and I'd cut L8 as well. Eating Breakfast While the Rohingya Flee One of the small pleasures of my life: - nice start, especially when contrasted with the title. I hope the irony was intentional...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Dec 02, 2018 3:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Malcolm's Last Meal v2
Replies: 16
Views: 279

Re: Malcolm's Last Meal

.
revision posted
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Dec 02, 2018 3:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Elderly Japanese couple, Agrigento (revised)
Replies: 12
Views: 200

Re: Elderly Japanese couple, Agrigento

. Hi Luke, enjoyed the read/tour, but not convinced by the form either. You notice them, I see, trained to each other’s movements, creeping - 'creeping' seems an off note, why not 'winding'? (Like the 'trained' , 'ivy' thread) Think Perry has a point about 'too'. through burial caves like ivy. We f...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Dec 02, 2018 3:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Indian Summer (revision 3)
Replies: 38
Views: 961

Re: Indian Summer (revision 3)

. Hi Eira, final straight, I think. slips through the haze, a breath on my cool cheek; - is there anything better than 'a' ? (Soft, dry, sudden ...? a dry breath on ...? a hand upon...?) the flush of warmth bewilders, swallows linger in brittle reeds. Shadows dance as light dwindles. Sighs moisten ...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Dec 01, 2018 3:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Indian Summer (revision 3)
Replies: 38
Views: 961

Re: Indian Summer (revision 2 + edits)

Hi Eira. Better and ... creeps back through the haze, - might it 'drift' or 'slip' the /k/ of creeps is a bit harsh. (And doesn't the title imply 'back'?) a breath on my cool cheek; the flush of warmth bewilders, - growing ever more fond of 'bewilders' swallows linger in brittle reeds. Light dwindle...