Search found 1377 matches

by NotQuiteSure
Fri Dec 06, 2019 7:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Floodwater v3b
Replies: 12
Views: 141

Re: Floodwater v3b

.
Hi ray,
thanks for the read.
'silver' - I wanted something to convey an image similar to seeing fish in the depths, but couldn't find a word
(any thoughts?) - fish led to 'silverfish' which contracted to 'silver'.
'starvelings' - (dead) plants in pots.

Regards, Not.

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by NotQuiteSure
Fri Dec 06, 2019 3:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Delicacy
Replies: 1
Views: 16

Re: Delicacy

. Hi ray, like the title, like the ending, but not quite convinced by some of the in between. She’s chopping beef and chicken on the worktop of our kitchen to feed tiny slices to her dogs. - curious as to why 'her dogs' after 'our kitchen' ('the dogs' ?) In Shanghai and Beijing - is this true, seem...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Dec 06, 2019 3:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Floodwater v3b
Replies: 12
Views: 141

Re: Floodwater v3b

- tweaked -
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Dec 04, 2019 1:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: No title (Retort of the Devil - revised)
Replies: 10
Views: 214

Re: No title (Retort of the Devil - revised)

. Hi Mike. The Devil retorted - 'I'm struggling to envision the scene/exchange that precedes this. What accusation/insult is this a retort to? Oh, how callow - You're using 'callow' in the sense of naive, yes? In which case why not say Thou art callow ? Save your abhor - same objection as 'deplore'...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Dec 03, 2019 3:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A Vestig Of Banter
Replies: 8
Views: 416

Re: A Vestig Of Banter

. Hi Lotus, just to offer my ear to ray's. If you could part with 'of the voices' I think it would flow much better. (And a personal plea: a bit more space after 'weather report'?) Intrigued by both 'on to' and the fact that 'shoeshine' isn't one word - having to think about that And suspicious tha...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Dec 03, 2019 3:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Floodwater v3b
Replies: 12
Views: 141

Re: Floodwater

.

Thank you very much Lotus,
your kindness is appreciated.

Regards, Not.


(tightened still further)

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by NotQuiteSure
Tue Dec 03, 2019 12:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Floodwater v3b
Replies: 12
Views: 141

Re: Two Versions

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Hi mac,
thanks for the read.
gloom! - yes, wasn't quite what I intended, but its been stubborn. Always the way when they
have ideas of their own.

Regards, Not

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by NotQuiteSure
Tue Dec 03, 2019 12:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: No title (Retort of the Devil - revised)
Replies: 10
Views: 214

Re: Retort of the Devil (political/religion)

. Hi Mike, having a hard time trying to move past 'deplore'. It reads poorly, to me, (compare, 'retorted', 'build', 'decry' or even 'rabble' - though you may want to check the etymology of the latter as it invites some not too flattering thoughts). 'steeples' - used both literally and as a metonym ...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Dec 02, 2019 3:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Floodwater v3b
Replies: 12
Views: 141

Re: Two Versions

. Hi Mike, thanks for the read. V1 ? Good to know. I'm probably going to go with The piled years of fallen leaves so thanks for the nudge. Regards, Not ________________ Hi Lotus, thanks for the thoughts, much appreciated. S1. L2 - I like the beat 'the' gives me. L7 - another one who doesn't like 's...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Dec 02, 2019 12:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: West End Boy (V3)
Replies: 4
Views: 105

Re: West End Boy

. Hi Jules, I think you need to work on S2, it lets the whole thing down for me ( 'supping' really feels awkward). 'far-below' also seems like a misstep. Couple of suggestions for enjambments. Old Cat Stevens' old old song Farjeon's hymn made marvellously his own. Late flowering hippy on Shaftesbur...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Dec 02, 2019 12:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Floodwater v3b
Replies: 12
Views: 141

Re: Two Versions

. Hi Jules, thanks for the read and crit I agree the two silvers aren't quite gelling - In both versions? 'things we did not want to lose/slowly shut themselves to silence' - I liked that insight but the following 'their closing a rebuke' seems a/redundant b/illogical (the silence might feel like a...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Dec 02, 2019 12:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Wolves from Yellowstone
Replies: 13
Views: 214

Re: Wolves from Yellowstone

. Hi Sid What's the difference between the opening an closing couplets? I can't tell. L5 - don't think you need spring , and isn't it supposed to be an a rhyme? L6 - whose tracks? The phrasing is a bit ambiguous (and why would waters choke beneath any tracks/footprints?). Regards, Not .
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Dec 01, 2019 3:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Trouble With Poetry (revision)
Replies: 4
Views: 136

Re: The Trouble With Poetry (revision)

. Hi Jules, I like the style of the revision, some sort of formality seems called for (and couplets fit the bill :) ) Thumb still firmly down (opposed not pressed) with regards to the 'giggle button'. You seem to be using it as a synonym for 'laughter track' and not the Urban Dictionary's definitio...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Dec 01, 2019 12:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Floodwater v3b
Replies: 12
Views: 141

Floodwater v3b

. v3b Floodwater Darkness rises in the stairwell like floodwater. The rooms below drown. I no longer leave a light on. No-one is coming home. My memories are coldblooded, they slip and silver down there, where abandoned shelves of pages soften, in the slack , damp air. Where those drawers full of f...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Nov 30, 2019 6:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Surrender Act
Replies: 12
Views: 488

Re: The Surrender Act

bjondon wrote:
Sat Nov 30, 2019 5:38 pm
Am I being hopelessly contrarian?
Yes, and no :)

Regards, Not

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by NotQuiteSure
Sat Nov 30, 2019 1:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Wolves from Yellowstone
Replies: 13
Views: 214

Re: Wolves from Yellowstone

. Hi Sid, admire the attempt. I'd suggest cutting all punctuation, or being consistent in its usage. Some of the word choices (elimination, content) seem a bit clunky, to me. And L6 makes me wonder whether the tense for the rest of the piece is the right on (as 'since' suggests that 'hunting wolves...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Nov 30, 2019 1:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Surrender Act
Replies: 12
Views: 488

Re: The Surrender Act

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Hi Namyh, Sid

thanks for the read.

Regards, Not

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by NotQuiteSure
Sat Nov 30, 2019 1:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: ...Go on Faith
Replies: 3
Views: 84

Re: ...Go on Faith

. Hi Namyh, enjoyed the story, but the ending with the Life-raft doesn't work for me, nor the reference to 'faith' (which doesn't seem to have played any part in the narrative). I wonder if it would be worth rewriting it in the present tense? S1 - I don't understand the opening line at all, how doe...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Nov 29, 2019 6:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Trouble With Poetry (revision)
Replies: 4
Views: 136

Re: The Trouble With Poetry

. Hi Jules, enjoyed the read (though not sure about 'giggle button' and the theatre references after 'stand-up seem distracting). The end is very satisfying. Maybe change the title, since you use it in the first line? I thought you could/might do a bit more with enjambments, given the subject. (A c...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Nov 29, 2019 4:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Manor
Replies: 7
Views: 143

Re: The Manor

. Hi Mack In regards to the use of “Manor I didn't mean drop it from the title (and that's a very, very weak rhyme). My retort to “gargoyle” is that I believe it achieves the reference I am hoping for without having to do the hard work of explaining its appearence within the confines of a rhyme sch...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Nov 29, 2019 3:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Manor
Replies: 7
Views: 143

Re: The Manor

. Hi Mack. I did look up gargoyle and it is a water spout, but the first definition is “a grotesquely carved figure of a human or animal.” We have the same dictionary :) but the line goes on ... projecting from the gutter of a building, typically acting as a spout to carry water clear of a wall . T...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Nov 29, 2019 1:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Manor
Replies: 7
Views: 143

Re: The Manor

. Hi Mack, it ends well, but a gargoyle is a 'spout to carry water clear of a wall' so the opening makes little sense. Also, 'formidable' (L2) is not that evocative a description, and I already know it is a manor from the title. Like 'choremen' ( but, 'refurbish' typically applies to buildings). Li...
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Nov 28, 2019 3:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A Sect Gone Wry (Sanctimonious - revised)
Replies: 25
Views: 831

Re: A Sect Gone Wry (Sanctimonious - revised)

. Hi Mike, lots of improvement(s) but I think the ending is getting away from you. Shouldn't hell (L12) be capitalised? Yes, we fare on For kin do we bide And the deeds We have done Ripple in reprise - just a thought And those deeds done do ripple reprise But life is a lesson - But this life's a le...
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Nov 27, 2019 1:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Grim the Clock
Replies: 7
Views: 418

Re: Grim the clock...

. Hi Mike Grim the clock - excellent title. Grim the clock That ticks nor tocks - agree with ray about this line, would That nae tick-tocks work? Atop the tower - 'a' tower ? Wrick with wroth - maybe 'wricken' for 'wrick'? Where hang a fowler - 'hangs' ? Feet from knot Strike every hour - I think t...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Nov 26, 2019 2:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Apple Tree (v5)
Replies: 25
Views: 1448

Re: The Apple Tree (v5)

MikeMac wrote:
Mon Nov 25, 2019 3:08 pm
Wow
I'll take that :)
Thanks very much

Regards, Not

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