Search found 1016 matches

by NotQuiteSure
Sat Apr 20, 2019 10:44 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Am I an Englishman? (V4)
Replies: 21
Views: 1752

Re: Am I an Englishman? (V4)

. Hi Jules, like the triplet format (with the title and S1 making a triple) but S4 rather stands out. Would this work? Who salt accosted and surrounded all by sea did seek and find it, here - in London, Devon, Derbyshire Don't think all the 'withins' work in S8 maybe within a heart a foreign world ...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Apr 20, 2019 10:39 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Perpetual Motion
Replies: 13
Views: 644

Re: Perpetual Motion

. Hi Jules, I prefer the 'alt' version (feels wrong saying that) but only because I don't think you've captured the "endless sequence of unconscious button-pushings and set phrases (and a love match too)" - yet (though, as you say, it could be inferred from the title). Might be a bit too reductive ...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Apr 19, 2019 11:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Good Old Fashioned Courage v3.
Replies: 12
Views: 264

Re: Good Old Fashioned Courage v3.

. Oops! :) Did you have something like this in mind then,mac? Dispense with Latin, say what is wrong, please, in simple words, so common folk can ken: am I 'sic transit', is my game up, how long have I got? This wait is such a burden. And though I lie prone, pallid, weak, yet see ... I can't keep '...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Apr 19, 2019 10:27 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Girl with Boa
Replies: 2
Views: 28

Girl with Boa

. Girl with Boa I call it Quetzalcoatl , she paused, a test. Her glazed red lips enunciating each syllable with an epicurean's pleasure and precision. Tangled in the black nets I could only watch: her tongue tasting pheromones and phonemes as the moment stretched. Anticipation , she whispered. It's...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Apr 19, 2019 10:22 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Good Old Fashioned Courage v3.
Replies: 12
Views: 264

Re: Good Old Fashioned Courage v3.

Macavity wrote:
Fri Apr 19, 2019 4:11 am
The symmetry of the poem's end rhymes means that 'play' is an 'outlier'.
I know, but I get bored with 'perfect' rhymes very quickly, and like to break
the monotony. Wouldn't 'pen/opinion' lie out as well? :)

Thanks for returning.

Regards, Not.

.
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Apr 19, 2019 10:21 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ferret
Replies: 3
Views: 37

Re: Ferret

. Hi Tony, enjoyed this, especially 'the kitchen would smell of unspayed ferret' and the ending: but, for me, there are far too many instances of 'it' and they all detract from the final three lines. Just a suggestion: I can still feel four clawed feet on my shoulder, brush-stiff tail, snout stuck ...
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Apr 18, 2019 5:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Good Old Fashioned Courage v3.
Replies: 12
Views: 264

Re: Good Old Fashioned Courage v2.

.

Hi mac,
thanks for the read and suggestion.
I'll admit, ken/opinion isn't really a rhyme (pen/opinion ?) - but I was playing with
folk can ken / opinion
(and it seemed too good to forgo). But ... will continue to ponder.

Tweaked again.

Regards, Not.

.
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Apr 17, 2019 3:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Am I an Englishman? (V4)
Replies: 21
Views: 1752

Re: Am I an Englishman? (V4)

. Hi Jules, I'll leave you to your alls. Just a thought on S7 (which is improved by the 'simplification') And tossed by all the seas of love and hate they all did find within a hostile world a friendly, open door, a heart, or And tossed by all the seas of love and hate they all did find a friendly,...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Apr 16, 2019 10:25 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: leave a message
Replies: 2
Views: 72

Re: leave a message

. Hi Gorgonshead, enjoyed the read but torn on the repetitions. The more clearly rhetorical (S4) work - but some of the others, the frequent use of 'all', 'will' and 'leave' (to name but three) detract, rather than enhance. Do you need 'just now' and 'at the tone' ? In S4 - which I really like - pe...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Apr 14, 2019 4:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Triffids
Replies: 7
Views: 159

Re: Triffids

. Hi Camus, enjoyed the read (though not that taken with the short/ single word lines), except 'cept'. Great last line. I'm not smoking anymore so now I a m slightly overweight but less than poor It's no fun of course vaping around like a demented horse lost in an icy wood It's not the same I can't...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Apr 14, 2019 12:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nature of Art
Replies: 9
Views: 192

Re: The Nature of Art

. Hi Tristan, love the misdirection. The bird is a plant, so 'garish' works where I originally thought it didn't. (Getting rid of 'bloom' is an improvement). The title seems a bit too heavy to me though. Just a thought: If I had created the bird of paradise, people would say too garish . Why can’t ...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Apr 13, 2019 3:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eva's Birds [revision 7] (minor nudges)
Replies: 49
Views: 1616

Re: Eva's Birds [revision 7] (the ever-morphing poem)

. Hi JJ, wonder if it's morphing away from you. Some of the darkness in the original seems to have fallen by the wayside and I think the piece is starting to suffer because of that. S1 think you could cut the 'in' from 'into' and 'his' before 'walking stick'. Have you come across the term 'sprag' (...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Apr 13, 2019 3:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Good Old Fashioned Courage v3.
Replies: 12
Views: 264

Re: Good Old Fashioned Courage

.
Hi JJ,

much obliged, as always.
I've tried, within my limitations, to heed your advice.
How does version 2 read?
(Any thoughts as to a better title?)

Thanks again.

Regards, Not.

.
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Apr 13, 2019 11:09 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Tribbles (revised)
Replies: 15
Views: 208

Re: Cushions [wasTribbles] (revised)

. Hi JJ, prefer the revision but miss the original title, the trouble with cushions/Tribbles is that they breed, no? Cushions, as a title, seems rather like padding, particularly as the revisions might better suit 'Ambushed'. For me the last verse isn't adding much, if anything. On tiptoe to the ba...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Apr 13, 2019 11:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Lycorine in the Living Room (revised)
Replies: 12
Views: 245

Re: Lycorine in the Living Room (revised)

. Hi mac, excellent title (and the poem's not bad either :) ) Minor nits: If you can make 'bows proud' work, fair enough. But is it bow (as in knot) or bow (as in -wow-wow) ? For some reason 'bold gold' is less troublesome. 'teases', I get the scene but the word doesn't seem to set up what follows....
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Apr 13, 2019 10:51 am
Forum: Post Visual Art
Topic: Breaker (revised)
Replies: 4
Views: 165

Re: Breaker (revised)

.

Like the revision JJ, the froth/foam (what's the term?) in the foreground is much more energetic
but I preferred the whiter clouds (top left) in the original, or is that just misperception?

Regards, Not
.
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Apr 11, 2019 2:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Am I an Englishman? (V4)
Replies: 21
Views: 1752

Re: Am I an Englishman? (revised and YouTubed!)

. Hi Jules, like the revision and the performance. Just a nudge or two (especially all the alls). Am I an English Man? Vienna, Vilnius, Kazan: I think I am. from generations, three! My father, father's father and father once again, all sought asylum, each in their turn, quite separately! Salt accos...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Apr 09, 2019 6:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 555

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

. Hi Joao, not sure about 'pounding of false paces' after 'steps of the dead' - and cutting 'pulsatile tinnitus' seems a real shame. Just a thought. My body is a lair. inside, what lurks eludes each educated eye. My days are spent on watch: tracing vestiges, sounding walls, I listen Through the bre...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Apr 08, 2019 6:03 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: National Poetry Competition
Replies: 7
Views: 211

Re: National Poetry Competition

.

Congratulations João,

would you consider posting the long-list version
in Finishing Touch? It would be good to see how
it turned out.

Regards, Not.

.
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Apr 08, 2019 11:57 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')
Replies: 11
Views: 284

Re: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')

. Hi Jules, so much (more) to like, and the new ending is solidly satisfying (though I'd be tempted to reverse the line to - like wood turning towards its warp. I feel as if I've only just begun to breathe. Thanks for the 'fillet' explanation - it's those details that lift the piece (for me), the m...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Apr 08, 2019 11:53 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Interplanetary Love (revision 2)
Replies: 13
Views: 232

Re: Interplanetary Love

.
Hi JJ,
like the idea of this as an equation - something like this?


Were distance proportional (inversely) to emotion
then,
wherever in the universe I searched, there you would be.


(Or have I horribly misunderstood?)

Regards, Not.



.
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Apr 08, 2019 11:52 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 555

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

. Hi Joao, like the revision (pulsatile tinnitus is a great addition) but don't think 'on the lookout' is an improvement over 'on watch'. 'spotting' and 'I listen' both seem rather weak (they don't have much anxiety about them). Just a little trim: My body is a lair. What lurks inside eludes the ed...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Apr 07, 2019 11:49 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eva's Birds [revision 7] (minor nudges)
Replies: 49
Views: 1616

Re: Eva's Birds [revision 6] (was The Old Miner)

.

No apologies necessary JJ. Glad you're on the mend.
You're absence was noted. :)

Regards, Not.


.
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Apr 05, 2019 3:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Good Old Fashioned Courage v3.
Replies: 12
Views: 264

Re: Good Old Fashioned Courage

.

Hi Lou,

thanks for the read.

Agree about 'ken/onion' - close enough? Or does that verse need reworking
(and if so, any suggestions)?

Regards, Not.


.
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Apr 04, 2019 1:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 555

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

.
Hi Joao,
just a passing thought: I wondered if you were missing a trick
at the end, not making the most of those 'ins'.

...
in my ears, in the dark, in my heart
cupped by a steely palm.


or

in my ears. in my heart, cupped
by a steely palm. In the dark.


Regards, Not.

.