Search found 57 matches

by Grace
Wed Dec 14, 2016 4:15 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Letter to Georgie - Rev II (Was entitled "What if..?")
Replies: 17
Views: 1806

Re: A Letter to Georgie (Previously entitled "What if..?")

Hi Luce,

Wonderful poem; the economy of words, the colorful story, even the shape. The new version lilted more than the first. I especially like the new eggs and "taming our plot with trowel and rake."

Looking forward to the third revision.

Grace
by Grace
Wed Dec 07, 2016 2:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Advice for a Grey Squirrel
Replies: 23
Views: 2371

Re: Advice for a Grey Squirrel

From the tips thread: "I this case it can be useful to put the latest and original versions side-by-side and build a new one that draws the best from each."

Yes, great advice, useful here.

Thanks for that and for making me aware of a whole thread of similar nuggets.

Grace
by Grace
Wed Dec 07, 2016 1:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Advice for a Grey Squirrel
Replies: 23
Views: 2371

Re: Advice for a Grey Squirrel

Ian, Pauline, JJ, and Ros, Thanks for coming back to the squirrel. This is still a work in progress and your comments continue its progression. I agree about the title, Pauline, and Ian I know the tips will inform, thank you. I haven't checked them out yet. JJ, it's true that the squirrel described ...
by Grace
Mon Dec 05, 2016 3:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Advice for a Grey Squirrel
Replies: 23
Views: 2371

Re: Advice for a Grey Squirrel

Revision 2 posted, thanks.
by Grace
Mon Dec 05, 2016 3:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Plum tree
Replies: 8
Views: 1175

Re: Plum tree

Hi k-j, The Plum tree reminds me of our pear tree in the front yard of our first home, except we weren't introspective enough to connect our thoughts of hoping it would live to the world outside its own roots. So this poem enriches my present, and somehow, my past! So much to like: The pace is leisu...
by Grace
Sun Dec 04, 2016 3:30 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Advertising B & B at the Sea Bed Hotel (revised)
Replies: 9
Views: 1145

Re: Advertising B & B at the Sea Bed Hotel (revised)

Hi JJ,

This was really fun, very well done, kept me entertained and interested all the way through. I love the last lines!

Grace
by Grace
Sun Dec 04, 2016 3:07 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Stone-Collector
Replies: 8
Views: 975

Re: The Stone-Collectors

Hi Tony, This was a poem that took me to the rocky beach and then kept me there while I thought about how people remember their loved ones. I like the way their collections go back to the beach. I've mostly seen shell collectors, and they are always a quiet bunch, too. Using the title to bring us in...
by Grace
Thu Dec 01, 2016 2:53 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Advice for a Grey Squirrel
Replies: 23
Views: 2371

Re: Advice for a Grey Squirrel

Hi Pauline,

Thank you for your time and revision thoughts.

Your ideas will help me when I go back to the drawing board on this. Glad to hear you liked it!

Thanks again,

Grace
by Grace
Wed Nov 30, 2016 6:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Advice for a Grey Squirrel
Replies: 23
Views: 2371

Re: Advice for a Grey Squirrel

Hi Ian and Ros, Thanks so much for your comments. Ian I appreciate the time it took to make those observations and they will improve the final version. I will have another look and concentrate on description without intrusion of the narrator in the first part and then the last bit will be take more ...
by Grace
Mon Nov 28, 2016 3:25 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Advice for a Grey Squirrel
Replies: 23
Views: 2371

Re: Advice for a Grey Squirrel

Ray and David, Thanks for your comments. Very helpful. The squirrel is supposed to be alive but nervous, twitchy, staying out of "real" life. I think the poem is still missing the part that made me write it in the first place, and that was when a real squirrel showed up very early in a dark morning ...
by Grace
Sun Nov 27, 2016 4:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Insomnia: a sovereign remedy
Replies: 26
Views: 2992

Re: Insomnia: a sovereign remedy

Hi David, I like the cleanliness of the new version, and that it arrives at the most interesting part of the poem right off the bat. In the process the nuance of the set up is compromised a tiny bit. It still entertains and makes a point in a very efficient manner. If you stick to the shorter form, ...
by Grace
Sat Nov 26, 2016 4:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Advice for a Grey Squirrel
Replies: 23
Views: 2371

Re: Advice for a Grey Squirrel

Hi Macavity and Ray, Thanks for stopping by. Macavity, thanks for your comment. I want the reader to be able to absorb the meaning of the words and behind the words and enjoy the sounds of the words, and not to get stuck on a metaphor. So I'm trying a simile here. Wondering if this is better. origin...
by Grace
Sat Nov 26, 2016 4:00 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Advice for a Grey Squirrel
Replies: 23
Views: 2371

Re: Advice for a Grey Squirrel

Hi Tony,

Thanks for the read, glad you liked the finish.

Maybe forgoing instead of eschewing? It would echo home in the line above and copse in the line below.

I'll wait and see if I hear anything else and the try it out.

If you think of a better substitute let me know.

Thanks,

Grace
by Grace
Fri Nov 25, 2016 10:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Advice for a Grey Squirrel
Replies: 23
Views: 2371

Advice for a Grey Squirrel

Revision 2, title change Morning Advice Across the bottom of the window his ragged tail slips past, an ostrich feather with its washed out plume. The grey squirrel startles in lilac depth of night’s sure turn to morn. He scurries and twitches as if leaving body for soul. Back and forth, he haunts th...
by Grace
Fri Nov 25, 2016 9:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Wakefulness
Replies: 19
Views: 3155

Re: Wakefulness

Hi Cynwulf, I'm a fan of this one, too. I like the sharp observations packed into a short poem. The only lines that I might suggest a little change are L3 and L9. The poem is so efficient, and "millimetre by millimetre" and "micrometre by micrometre" are not spectacular in a sonic way, so I'm wonder...
by Grace
Fri Nov 25, 2016 9:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hallelujah
Replies: 16
Views: 1892

Re: Hallelujah

Hi Tony, I am familiar with the song but have never listened to the words through and so was able to read your tale with some amount of objectivity, even though I hummed the tune as I read. I like the tone you set with the story, and the doubt expressed puts a voice to a feeling that is not uncommon...
by Grace
Sun Nov 20, 2016 9:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Remembrance Sunday
Replies: 12
Views: 1704

Re: Remembrance Sunday

Hi Lou,

This poem was very moving and technically excellent, imo.

We need more like it. Thank you!

Grace
by Grace
Fri Nov 18, 2016 5:13 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Summer You Left, Revision 3
Replies: 25
Views: 2943

Re: The Summer You Left, Revision 3

Hi Trobbo and Luce, Thanks for the most recent thoughts. Trobbo, glad you see improvement. Luce, I can see why you responded the way you did. It makes sense. I'm trying to think of a detail for the swim because at this point the poem has veered far from the bit of real-life experience that got it st...
by Grace
Thu Nov 17, 2016 2:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Confined happiness
Replies: 5
Views: 762

Re: Confined happiness

Hi Trygo, There is a lot of potential here. I'm wondering if you've written poetry in your first language? I like the efficiency of this poem, the mostly consistent four meter lines, the rhymes, and the big theme. The titan is mourning a death and expecting more to come, and tightens the coffin on s...
by Grace
Thu Nov 17, 2016 1:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Insomnia: a sovereign remedy
Replies: 26
Views: 2992

Re: Insomnia: a sovereign remedy

HI David, I'm a fan of this one. The way you brought us from insomnia to the history of kings to the present was entertaining and you made a good point at the end. History is clean, like you said. Also because it relieves us of our responsibilities of trying to change things for the best in the pres...
by Grace
Thu Nov 17, 2016 4:21 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Summer You Left, Revision 3
Replies: 25
Views: 2943

Re: The Summer You Left, Revision 3

Hi David, Thanks for your comments. I changed a few things in the poem, hoping it keeps the wistful tone I tried to cultivate in the first versions. In researching words that meant "moving one's hands through water," which is only what that word means in my world, I came across another meaning. I'm ...
by Grace
Wed Nov 16, 2016 7:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Summer You Left, Revision 3
Replies: 25
Views: 2943

Re: The Summer You Left, Revision 2

Revision 2 posted.

Thanks.
by Grace
Wed Nov 16, 2016 7:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Catchean/Common Grazing
Replies: 19
Views: 2209

Re: Catchean/Common Grazing

whoops!

Sorry Antcliff!

Thanks Trygo!
by Grace
Wed Nov 16, 2016 5:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Catchean/Common Grazing
Replies: 19
Views: 2209

Re: Catchean/Common Grazing

Hi Trygo, I really liked the story of this work, and like another poster said, good to remember the history. The repetition of reversals like "improve/not improve" the land and "no one/everyone" added a lot. Not sure if you could find a way to continue that device. Also, it might be fun to find a me...
by Grace
Tue Nov 15, 2016 7:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: This Weakened State (2nd Edit )
Replies: 11
Views: 1208

Re: This Weakened State

Hi Trobbo, The passion of this poem is really coming through, and it has the feel of the voice of a prophet. Some of the action verbs are well chosen. However, it reads like a speech to me. It's a bit thick, in my opinion, with its list of observations. It has good subject matter. Some of the statem...