Search found 81 matches

by Joao
Thu Jun 28, 2018 7:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Immigration (Part 1 - Pinus)
Replies: 3
Views: 767

Re: Immigration (Part 1 - Pinus)

Thanks, Mac, it does help very much, as usual. I was fearing that times and places wouldn’t be easy to establish. Sounds like I need to make it clearer. The story is that there are virtually no native pines in the Southern Hemisphere. They emerged just after (a few million years after, that is) the ...
by Joao
Thu Jun 28, 2018 7:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Anabasis
Replies: 10
Views: 1178

Re: Anabasis

Very good, David. S1 and the title, especially. It’s an impressive match, this extended metaphor — the same state of lucid forgetfulness and alienation which I imagine is what is so peculiarly distressing about dementia. S2 and S3 I needed a bit more time to grasp, but I think I do (?) now: it’s the...
by Joao
Sun Jun 24, 2018 5:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Immigration (Part 1 - Pinus)
Replies: 3
Views: 767

Immigration (Part 1 - Pinus)

Pinus ‘All through the Patagonian steppe, a mosaic of big, small and smaller pine trees is developing, turning the open landscape into a conifer forest’. The pine tree invasion of South America, A photoessay by Jonas Lembrechts We woke up late, so we jumped up and ran, and ran, all day, all agog fo...
by Joao
Sat Jun 23, 2018 6:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Clickbait
Replies: 16
Views: 2129

Re: Thickbait

Hi Wilcken, this is impressive! There are some really clever lines here. I don't have much to offer other than applause and pointing out below the parts not entirely clear to me, in case you're interested in catering for slower readers such as me. 10 years older  is probably my favorite  type of MIL...
by Joao
Sat Jun 23, 2018 5:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Witness
Replies: 18
Views: 2007

Re: Witness

Hi 68degrees, I like it. There's a police-report bluntness to the language that works well with the theme, I think (and that chimes with the title). The break after 'mirror' confused me at first. I had to re-read the passage to understand that it is (I think) the woman that is confessing; not the ma...
by Joao
Sat Jun 23, 2018 4:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Boy and Rydal Cave (rev 3)
Replies: 31
Views: 4695

Re: On Disturbing Rydal Cave (On Finding Rydal Cave) revisio

Hi JJ, enjoyed this little Gothic tale very much. The rocks layered by ancient seas when the moon was young is a lovely image. The fish pool is a fascinating piece of detail (I agree with Not that they deserve some elaboration - or even another poem of their own). examined the dankness then dared to...
by Joao
Mon Jun 18, 2018 9:40 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hymn
Replies: 12
Views: 2764

Re: Hymn

Thanks, Ross. I see your point. I'll give it a try.
by Joao
Mon Jun 18, 2018 5:58 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Visitations (revision5)
Replies: 37
Views: 7040

Re: Camping (revision4)

This is very clever, mac. The anticlimax makes it much more interesting, in my opinion. I read the latest version first and it was clear throughout, apart from the 'silenced pines”. Like JJ, I could only see the link with the birds after reading the comments. (It's a great phrase!). Something like t...
by Joao
Sun Jun 17, 2018 3:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hymn
Replies: 12
Views: 2764

Re: Hymn

This is very useful advice, Ross, thanks very much. I had to laugh at the 'let me smell’ slip: I nearly made an even more ridiculous mistake with 'wind, pretending’, which I originally had as 'wind passing / for’. I had meant this as a satirical poem, as a dramatic monologue by a melodramatic blubbe...
by Joao
Tue May 15, 2018 12:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: May’s bovine stasis
Replies: 11
Views: 2824

Re: May’s bovine stasis

Very nice poem, Luke. I'm also not sure about 'Flinch', maybe because it's a reactive verb -- what are the cows (not) flinching at? Wouldn't something like 'stir' be more suitable?
by Joao
Tue May 15, 2018 11:37 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hymn
Replies: 12
Views: 2764

Re: Hymn

Thanks for the tip, mac, I'll have a look.
by Joao
Thu May 10, 2018 12:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Walking Into Beauty
Replies: 12
Views: 1593

Re: Walking Into Beauty

Good point, Ross - I hadn't noticed this. It does help.
churinga wrote: Joao
I have thought about your suggestion but will stick with what I wrote, the 'not' alliterates with 'now'. And I think that helps the atmosphere.

Ross
by Joao
Wed May 09, 2018 1:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hymn
Replies: 12
Views: 2764

Re: Hymn

Thanks, camus, glad you enjoyed parts of it. It is a bit of a bastard piece, you're right.
camus wrote:I like its archaic approach, some wonderful language and phrases used.

Where it fits in the poetic pantheon, though, i'm not certain?

Cheers
C
by Joao
Wed May 09, 2018 1:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hymn
Replies: 12
Views: 2764

Re: Hymn

Thanks, David. Fortunately, this one is not autobiographical :D . I'm still not sure it's to my taste either. Thanks for your honesty. What's going on here, then, Joao? You've been dumped. That's my guess. I'm tempted to say, simply, get over it lad. As a response to that situation - if I haven't go...
by Joao
Wed May 09, 2018 1:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hymn
Replies: 12
Views: 2764

Re: Hymn

Thanks for the helpful comments, mac. Glad you've enjoyed it. My answers below. hi Joao, Effective, unnerving tone, apt for the subject matter. It is adjective heavy, but many of those do colour the read. I did get lost in some of syntax, but that may be my sluggish mind! Definitely enjoyed the read...
by Joao
Wed May 09, 2018 1:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Three Short Poems (revision3)
Replies: 14
Views: 1960

Re: Hot/Cold

Hi mac, really liked reading this. The tango and the peas are great images. (Would it sound better as ‘a tango across the sand?’). I had to read S3 a few times to come up with an interpretation (probably me being slow): this person has kept N in suspense about his chances; N builds up the courage fo...
by Joao
Wed May 09, 2018 12:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Letter from Angkor (was Penitent)
Replies: 15
Views: 1706

Re: Penitent (revised)

This is excellent, Luke. I'm another for the return of the last stanza. And I agree with Not on ad infinitum. Apart from this, I think the revision has improved the poem. Delightful read.
by Joao
Thu May 03, 2018 12:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Walking Into Beauty
Replies: 12
Views: 1593

Re: Walking Into Beauty

Lovely poem. Would 'why don't you?' perhaps sound better than 'why not you?' ?
by Joao
Thu May 03, 2018 12:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Votive: (was After Planting) (version 4)
Replies: 10
Views: 1005

Re: Votive: (was After Planting) (version 4)

I like what you did with the repetition of the last verse, Luke. I also like the latest revision's elemental simplicity (though I think I liked the bitter note of thankless toil in the previous version better).
by Joao
Thu May 03, 2018 12:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hymn
Replies: 12
Views: 2764

Hymn

Do not listen to this blubbering curse. We both know the murky well from which it springs. Rise above it as I dig this soggy hole and mould with mud an idol meant for marbled wings. Hollow, the breath that cracks your morning voice: it’s only wind, pretending to be song. You can clear up your throat...
by Joao
Fri Apr 27, 2018 1:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Blueberries (revised)
Replies: 19
Views: 2041

Re: Blueberries (revised)

Very nice poem, mac. Great contrast. I could vividly sense his benignity and picture the children surrounding him by the cooker.
by Joao
Fri Apr 27, 2018 1:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: On watching too much Father Brown
Replies: 12
Views: 1074

Re: On watching too much Father Brown

Beautiful poem, David. 'Latin rises like holy smoke' is especially good!
by Joao
Fri Apr 27, 2018 1:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Votive: (was After Planting) (version 4)
Replies: 10
Views: 1005

Re: (After) Planting (revision)

Enjoyed reading this, Luke. A couple comments: Revision Observe my offerings: a spade stood as it was left, a tea set gathering rain. I leave them as a votive stain I like 'votive stain' - it sounds like a spiteful entreaty to the soil N must propitiate upon this ground on which I’m forced to my kne...
by Joao
Mon Apr 16, 2018 12:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Flight Deck (Revision)
Replies: 15
Views: 1985

Re: Flight Deck (Revision)

Thanks, mac. I chose 'little' to imply it being a play thing. 'Lesser' would lose that connotation, I think. Not, thanks again for the close read. I've responded below. David, of course, apologies: I'll italicise the additions in the revision and also strike through the deletions in the original (mo...
by Joao
Mon Apr 16, 2018 11:25 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: amnesiac
Replies: 12
Views: 1999

Re: Amnesiac

Enjoyed it, Ton. Relatable sentiment. You drive through the sleepy villages, Do you need 'the'? their names registering for a moment then forgotten, but you remember the way I like lotus' suggestion ('left behind'). Also, maybe there's too much antithesis in this verse: I'd get rid of 'but' and star...