Search found 98 matches

by Joao
Mon Apr 15, 2019 11:41 am
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: National Poetry Competition
Replies: 7
Views: 252

Re: National Poetry Competition

Thanks, all. Hi Not, I've put the final version up now. No radical changes: mostly incorporating your very helpful suggestions at the time.
by Joao
Mon Apr 15, 2019 11:39 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 589

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

Thanks, Not. I'll come back with changes soon.
by Joao
Tue Apr 09, 2019 4:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Lycorine in the Living Room (revised)
Replies: 14
Views: 300

Re: Lycorine in the Living Room

I really like the 'whim of April', mac. There's a Dutch saying: 'April doet wat hij wil' (April does what it wills). I might be way off, but I'm guessing the 'lover' is not the groom. I get the sense of a regretful bride (love the passing thrill of daffodils) contemplating murder (and worse, in S3)....
by Joao
Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 589

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

Hi Not, I like your suggestions. I've adopted most. I agree with you on 'spotting'; not on 'listen', though, which can be done with great anxiety. I think I need to trust the undertone to indicate this rather than spell it out at every turn. Thanks again for the detailed commentary. Very helpful, as...
by Joao
Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:51 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: National Poetry Competition
Replies: 7
Views: 252

Re: National Poetry Competition

Thanks, all! Not, how do I move the post to Finishing Touch? I've never done it before. Do I need to ask one of the moderators?
by Joao
Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Interplanetary Love (revision 2)
Replies: 14
Views: 275

Re: Interplanetary Love

Hi JJ, the first line says a lot and well, I think: the lover's hopeless attempt to humanise an indifferent universe. The difficulty, I suppose, is developing this conceit. What if distance were an emotion? I suppose the universe would then be compassionate (is that where you were going in L2?). How...
by Joao
Sun Apr 07, 2019 11:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 589

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

That is an interesting thought, Not. I've now changed those last lines, but I'll keep thinking about it. Thanks! . Hi Joao, just a passing thought: I wondered if you were missing a trick at the end, not making the most of those 'ins'. ... in my ears, in the dark, in my heart cupped by a steely palm....
by Joao
Sun Apr 07, 2019 11:22 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: National Poetry Competition
Replies: 7
Views: 252

National Poetry Competition

Not sure how much of an achievement this is, but got this one (viewtopic.php?f=20&t=23255&p=195314&hil ... ck#p195314) longlisted here (https://poetrysociety.org.uk/competitio ... mpetition/). Thanks to those who helped with comments.
by Joao
Sun Apr 07, 2019 11:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')
Replies: 11
Views: 311

Re: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')

I like the V3 additions, Jules, but missed the childhood memories from V1. A few comments below (feel free to ignore them). I sleep on a drawing board. One of two in this strange house - and seasoned sublimely. (But I leap forward- the mice run under!) So, bed, I note your riddled corners (Daddy's y...
by Joao
Sun Apr 07, 2019 10:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 589

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

Thanks for returning to it, Jules. Answers, below. Hi Joao, this is definitely tightening up nicely. 'My days are spent on watch' - I like 'on' aot 'in' but spent seems like the wrong verb . . . maybe something to conjure the watches on board a ship or submarine? What about 'My days are spent on the...
by Joao
Wed Apr 03, 2019 4:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')
Replies: 11
Views: 311

Re: The Signal Getting Clearer

Very nice, atmospheric stuff, Jules. A few thoughts below: I sleep on a drawing board; one of two in this strange house; and seasoned sublimely - but I leap forward, I don't understand why the hyperbole. The 'leap': is that you saying 'but I get ahead of myself?' the mice run under! So, bed, I note ...
by Joao
Wed Apr 03, 2019 3:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 589

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

Thanks for coming back to it, Not. I've answered below. . Like the revision Joao, though it now feels like you need to lift the title a little to better match the verse (The Morbid Hypochondriac ?) Yeah, mac also made this point. I'll try to think of something a bit more dramatic Three minor nits. L...
by Joao
Sun Mar 31, 2019 4:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sweet
Replies: 10
Views: 335

Re: Sweet

Hi Jules, I enjoyed the read (after the explanation). I understood the click of the ratchet as the moment the new colour vision kicks in: if I'm right, shouldn't it come before 'Divined a whole...'? 'L8 is a nice phrase. Had to re-read L9 a couple of times, though; I think because I normally associa...
by Joao
Sun Mar 31, 2019 3:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 589

Re: The Hypochondriac

Hi Not, thanks for the detailed crit and suggestions. I've used some of them in my revision. You're, of course, right about 'on watch': I had 'vigil' at first and forgot to replace the preposition. Thanks for pointing it out. I think I agree with you on the final 4 lines: I'll try to think of a diff...
by Joao
Sun Mar 31, 2019 3:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 589

Re: The Hypochondriac

Hi Jules, thanks so much for the detailed crit. You're spot on in your interpretation of 'vestiges, walls, and steps'. I've posted a revision with your suggestions. Irony wasn't really my intention, but I can see why you might detect it in the text: it's hard to use Gothic imagery without making N s...
by Joao
Sun Mar 31, 2019 3:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 589

Re: The Hypochondriac

Thanks very much, Tristan, that's very encouraging. That's exactly the reading I was hoping to trigger: I'm glad it came across. Thanks again It’s really good Joao. I too like the gothic imagery and feel. It adds to the anti-scientific tone and the irrationality that has its own strange logic. The l...
by Joao
Sat Mar 23, 2019 4:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Grooming
Replies: 11
Views: 378

Re: Grooming

Coming late to this only to say that I like it extremely. Didn't have a problem with the abstraction of 'Hope and distaste' because they're soon followed up by the very concrete source of those feelings. I, too, first thought that Sharon was the foster mum. Also had a bit of trouble figuring out who...
by Joao
Sat Mar 23, 2019 4:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 589

Re: The Hypochondriac

Thanks, Ray, very glad you like the lines. You're probably right on 'chasing', I'll try to think of something more appropriate. The tameness of 'cups' is deliberate, though: I wanted an ominous, menacing gesture; not the actual strike. Something like being caressed with a knife...
by Joao
Sat Mar 23, 2019 4:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 589

Re: The Hypochondriac

Thanks, mac, these are very helpful comments. You got me wondering so I googled around and found that there are indeed psychotic forms of hypochondria. Your other points addressed below. Interesting Joao. The poem delivers more than the title promises. Hypochondriac: a person who is abnormally anxio...
by Joao
Thu Mar 21, 2019 10:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 589

The Hypochondriac (Revised)

V4 My body is a lair. What lurks inside eludes the educated eye. My days are spent on watch: tracing vestiges, sounding walls, retracing the steps of the dead. A secret cauldron stews, within, a rancid seething broth meant for my veins. Through the breathless nights, I listen to the gurgle of garro...
by Joao
Mon Mar 18, 2019 3:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Milia (revision)
Replies: 11
Views: 343

Re: Milia

I really like the juxtaposed scales: the intimate facial close-up mingled with celestial symbolism. It's very striking; and so is the mother's voice and gesture in S4/5. 'Wrinkled pools of skin' didn't work for me, though -- it didn't have the same star-like tone of 'sallow rings'.
by Joao
Sat Mar 16, 2019 2:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: RIFF ME A ROSE (V11)
Replies: 29
Views: 927

Re: Slick Rose (V4)

Hi Jules, I like the extended revision. The final two stanzas are excellent. 'Sidereal whiff' puzzles me, though. Perhaps it's an allusion I'm missing, but it sounds a bit too fanciful in my opinion (what do stars smell like?), especially in the midst of the more concrete symbolism of the rest of th...
by Joao
Thu Jun 28, 2018 7:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Immigration (Part 1 - Pinus)
Replies: 3
Views: 844

Re: Immigration (Part 1 - Pinus)

Thanks, Mac, it does help very much, as usual. I was fearing that times and places wouldn’t be easy to establish. Sounds like I need to make it clearer. The story is that there are virtually no native pines in the Southern Hemisphere. They emerged just after (a few million years after, that is) the ...
by Joao
Thu Jun 28, 2018 7:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Anabasis
Replies: 10
Views: 1298

Re: Anabasis

Very good, David. S1 and the title, especially. It’s an impressive match, this extended metaphor — the same state of lucid forgetfulness and alienation which I imagine is what is so peculiarly distressing about dementia. S2 and S3 I needed a bit more time to grasp, but I think I do (?) now: it’s the...
by Joao
Sun Jun 24, 2018 5:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Immigration (Part 1 - Pinus)
Replies: 3
Views: 844

Immigration (Part 1 - Pinus)

Pinus ‘All through the Patagonian steppe, a mosaic of big, small and smaller pine trees is developing, turning the open landscape into a conifer forest’. The pine tree invasion of South America, A photoessay by Jonas Lembrechts We woke up late, so we jumped up and ran, and ran, all day, all agog fo...