The Poets' Graves Workshop

Jules, thanks so much for this thoughtful and detailed crit. I've responded below. Hi Joao -an excellent and well crafted piece. There was a flavour of mystery in your Pinus anthropomorphisation, that also gave it a non-committal air but both are now changed with this more dramatic and pointed augme...

Hi Jules,

Didn't know Livingstone had coined the term. Interesting. Is pigeon lard such a big industry? I also wondered if 'Niagara' isn't a bit too hyperbolic for a crowd of pigeons descending on a lawn. Enjoyed the read!

Best,
Joao

Very moving, Geoff. It reminds me of Tennyson's Ulysses, though your Theseus sounds more convincing. Now that you've done it, I can't believe anyone hadn't thought of applying the ship's metaphor to the man himself! Brilliantly done! A few minor comments below. When his spear at length became a crut...

JJ, I'm so sorry for missing your comments! I don't know what happened! You paraphrase the poem much more eloquently than I could hope to myself. I'll think about dropping another hint in S2: 'grasses' would break with the anthropomorphism I'm aiming for. Again, apologies, and thanks!

'The odour collars memory', perhaps?

ray miller wrote: ↑

Fri Aug 30, 2019 5:10 pm

memory fastens its teeth on the odour - yeah, that might work, though I had in mind a dog lead being fastened.

Having googled half my way through this, David, I was under the impression the subject was Mistress Quickly (wasn't her Inn on Eastcheap, rather?), but the Shipping Forecast made me doubt it.

Very nice, Not. Shouldn't you have 'weren't' before 'trying to'. The absent spouse seems to be the object here, but in my first reading, I also detected a hint of the sexually inept spouse, which also fits the imagery nicely.

Enjoyed!

Hi Tony, great subject, indeed. Def agree with Not that you could fit more into this -- I agree with his suggestions. I wonder if you couldn't also explore mining and coinage images and probe a bit more into his potential motivations... Just a thought.

Enjoyed!

Congrats, David! Loved The Second Circle

Thanks so much, all. Honour, thanks for your comments. I'm glad you liked some of it. Mac, delighted that you like it, thanks for the thumbs-up. Thanks, Jules, and I like your suggestions. No ambiguity intended: N mouths acceptance speeches. I'll revise. Thanks, Tony. Excess is sort of the point the...

I once read somewhere about a woman getting 'pregnant' with baby squids after eating calamari. They hadn't gutted the squid properly, so it squirted eggs that became embedded in her gums and tongue. I never thought that I would one day say: she had it easy, as far as mating with squids goes... I lik...

We had long left the mantled side of alchemists. In the distance, they still gleamed, candled in the copper burnish of their alembics, cloaked in damask and incense, while we sat in our garages, or queued with carpenters at the hardware store. Behind the wheel, we gazed benignantly into the morning ...

This is lovely, Jackie, this little insurrection. The only bit that didn't work for me was the startled grill: found it hard to anthropomorphise such a bare and angular object, although (afterthought) you probably mean that the grill shakes as the blobs land on it, which makes perfect sense. (Forgiv...

Hi Not, are the lines in italics yours or Erinna's? They're beautiful! Especially the thunder as a breaking cup. The lines felt misplaced, though. I think because they're too specific. In the preceding lines, you're trying to single out her burial by contrasting it with commonplace funeral tributes ...

Thanks, all. Hi Not, I've put the final version up now. No radical changes: mostly incorporating your very helpful suggestions at the time.

Thanks, Not. I'll come back with changes soon.

Hi Not, I like your suggestions. I've adopted most. I agree with you on 'spotting'; not on 'listen', though, which can be done with great anxiety. I think I need to trust the undertone to indicate this rather than spell it out at every turn. Thanks again for the detailed commentary. Very helpful, as...

Thanks, all! Not, how do I move the post to Finishing Touch? I've never done it before. Do I need to ask one of the moderators?

Hi JJ, the first line says a lot and well, I think: the lover's hopeless attempt to humanise an indifferent universe. The difficulty, I suppose, is developing this conceit. What if distance were an emotion? I suppose the universe would then be compassionate (is that where you were going in L2?). How...

That is an interesting thought, Not. I've now changed those last lines, but I'll keep thinking about it. Thanks! . Hi Joao, just a passing thought: I wondered if you were missing a trick at the end, not making the most of those 'ins'. ... in my ears, in the dark, in my heart cupped by a steely palm....

Not sure how much of an achievement this is, but got this one (viewtopic.php?f=20&t=23255&p=195314&hil ... ck#p195314) longlisted here (https://poetrysociety.org.uk/competitio ... mpetition/). Thanks to those who helped with comments.

I like the V3 additions, Jules, but missed the childhood memories from V1. A few comments below (feel free to ignore them). I sleep on a drawing board. One of two in this strange house - and seasoned sublimely. (But I leap forward- the mice run under!) So, bed, I note your riddled corners (Daddy's y...

Thanks for returning to it, Jules. Answers, below. Hi Joao, this is definitely tightening up nicely. 'My days are spent on watch' - I like 'on' aot 'in' but spent seems like the wrong verb . . . maybe something to conjure the watches on board a ship or submarine? What about 'My days are spent on the...

Very nice, atmospheric stuff, Jules. A few thoughts below: I sleep on a drawing board; one of two in this strange house; and seasoned sublimely - but I leap forward, I don't understand why the hyperbole. The 'leap': is that you saying 'but I get ahead of myself?' the mice run under! So, bed, I note ...

Thanks for coming back to it, Not. I've answered below. . Like the revision Joao, though it now feels like you need to lift the title a little to better match the verse (The Morbid Hypochondriac ?) Yeah, mac also made this point. I'll try to think of something a bit more dramatic Three minor nits. L...