Search found 102 matches

by Joao
Tue May 21, 2019 3:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Perpetuum Mobile
Replies: 2
Views: 60

Perpetuum Mobile

We had long left the mantled side of alchemists. In the distance, they still gleamed, candled in the copper burnish of their alembics, cloaked in damask and incense, while we sat in our garages, or queued with carpenters at the hardware store. Behind the wheel, we gazed benignantly into the morning ...
by Joao
Tue May 21, 2019 3:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Mum's Old Watering Can (revision)
Replies: 11
Views: 168

Re: Mum's Old Watering Can (revision)

Hi mac, enjoyed this hopeful notion of conjuring up the country through an urban garden. I especially liked S3: the robin hardened on mean streets. L2/S1, sounds a bit incoherent to me: the first sentence is an adult's voice; the second is childish. The final line in the revision is pretty, but the ...
by Joao
Wed May 15, 2019 5:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I Want No Part of Your Layered Cake
Replies: 9
Views: 199

Re: I Want No Part of Your Layered Cake

This is lovely, Jackie, this little insurrection. The only bit that didn't work for me was the startled grill: found it hard to anthropomorphise such a bare and angular object, although (afterthought) you probably mean that the grill shakes as the blobs land on it, which makes perfect sense. (Forgiv...
by Joao
Mon May 13, 2019 2:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: In a Cemetery of Oak and Ash
Replies: 13
Views: 226

Re: In a Cemetery of Oak and Ash

Hi Not, are the lines in italics yours or Erinna's? They're beautiful! Especially the thunder as a breaking cup. The lines felt misplaced, though. I think because they're too specific. In the preceding lines, you're trying to single out her burial by contrasting it with commonplace funeral tributes ...
by Joao
Mon Apr 15, 2019 11:41 am
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: National Poetry Competition
Replies: 7
Views: 364

Re: National Poetry Competition

Thanks, all. Hi Not, I've put the final version up now. No radical changes: mostly incorporating your very helpful suggestions at the time.
by Joao
Mon Apr 15, 2019 11:39 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 666

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

Thanks, Not. I'll come back with changes soon.
by Joao
Tue Apr 09, 2019 4:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Lycorine in the Living Room (revised)
Replies: 14
Views: 469

Re: Lycorine in the Living Room

I really like the 'whim of April', mac. There's a Dutch saying: 'April doet wat hij wil' (April does what it wills). I might be way off, but I'm guessing the 'lover' is not the groom. I get the sense of a regretful bride (love the passing thrill of daffodils) contemplating murder (and worse, in S3)....
by Joao
Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 666

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

Hi Not, I like your suggestions. I've adopted most. I agree with you on 'spotting'; not on 'listen', though, which can be done with great anxiety. I think I need to trust the undertone to indicate this rather than spell it out at every turn. Thanks again for the detailed commentary. Very helpful, as...
by Joao
Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:51 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: National Poetry Competition
Replies: 7
Views: 364

Re: National Poetry Competition

Thanks, all! Not, how do I move the post to Finishing Touch? I've never done it before. Do I need to ask one of the moderators?
by Joao
Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Interplanetary Love (revision 2)
Replies: 14
Views: 373

Re: Interplanetary Love

Hi JJ, the first line says a lot and well, I think: the lover's hopeless attempt to humanise an indifferent universe. The difficulty, I suppose, is developing this conceit. What if distance were an emotion? I suppose the universe would then be compassionate (is that where you were going in L2?). How...
by Joao
Sun Apr 07, 2019 11:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 666

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

That is an interesting thought, Not. I've now changed those last lines, but I'll keep thinking about it. Thanks! . Hi Joao, just a passing thought: I wondered if you were missing a trick at the end, not making the most of those 'ins'. ... in my ears, in the dark, in my heart cupped by a steely palm....
by Joao
Sun Apr 07, 2019 11:22 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: National Poetry Competition
Replies: 7
Views: 364

National Poetry Competition

Not sure how much of an achievement this is, but got this one (viewtopic.php?f=20&t=23255&p=195314&hil ... ck#p195314) longlisted here (https://poetrysociety.org.uk/competitio ... mpetition/). Thanks to those who helped with comments.
by Joao
Sun Apr 07, 2019 11:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')
Replies: 11
Views: 362

Re: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')

I like the V3 additions, Jules, but missed the childhood memories from V1. A few comments below (feel free to ignore them). I sleep on a drawing board. One of two in this strange house - and seasoned sublimely. (But I leap forward- the mice run under!) So, bed, I note your riddled corners (Daddy's y...
by Joao
Sun Apr 07, 2019 10:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 666

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

Thanks for returning to it, Jules. Answers, below. Hi Joao, this is definitely tightening up nicely. 'My days are spent on watch' - I like 'on' aot 'in' but spent seems like the wrong verb . . . maybe something to conjure the watches on board a ship or submarine? What about 'My days are spent on the...
by Joao
Wed Apr 03, 2019 4:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')
Replies: 11
Views: 362

Re: The Signal Getting Clearer

Very nice, atmospheric stuff, Jules. A few thoughts below: I sleep on a drawing board; one of two in this strange house; and seasoned sublimely - but I leap forward, I don't understand why the hyperbole. The 'leap': is that you saying 'but I get ahead of myself?' the mice run under! So, bed, I note ...
by Joao
Wed Apr 03, 2019 3:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 666

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

Thanks for coming back to it, Not. I've answered below. . Like the revision Joao, though it now feels like you need to lift the title a little to better match the verse (The Morbid Hypochondriac ?) Yeah, mac also made this point. I'll try to think of something a bit more dramatic Three minor nits. L...
by Joao
Sun Mar 31, 2019 4:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sweet
Replies: 10
Views: 367

Re: Sweet

Hi Jules, I enjoyed the read (after the explanation). I understood the click of the ratchet as the moment the new colour vision kicks in: if I'm right, shouldn't it come before 'Divined a whole...'? 'L8 is a nice phrase. Had to re-read L9 a couple of times, though; I think because I normally associa...
by Joao
Sun Mar 31, 2019 3:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 666

Re: The Hypochondriac

Hi Not, thanks for the detailed crit and suggestions. I've used some of them in my revision. You're, of course, right about 'on watch': I had 'vigil' at first and forgot to replace the preposition. Thanks for pointing it out. I think I agree with you on the final 4 lines: I'll try to think of a diff...
by Joao
Sun Mar 31, 2019 3:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 666

Re: The Hypochondriac

Hi Jules, thanks so much for the detailed crit. You're spot on in your interpretation of 'vestiges, walls, and steps'. I've posted a revision with your suggestions. Irony wasn't really my intention, but I can see why you might detect it in the text: it's hard to use Gothic imagery without making N s...
by Joao
Sun Mar 31, 2019 3:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 666

Re: The Hypochondriac

Thanks very much, Tristan, that's very encouraging. That's exactly the reading I was hoping to trigger: I'm glad it came across. Thanks again It’s really good Joao. I too like the gothic imagery and feel. It adds to the anti-scientific tone and the irrationality that has its own strange logic. The l...
by Joao
Sat Mar 23, 2019 4:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Grooming
Replies: 11
Views: 418

Re: Grooming

Coming late to this only to say that I like it extremely. Didn't have a problem with the abstraction of 'Hope and distaste' because they're soon followed up by the very concrete source of those feelings. I, too, first thought that Sharon was the foster mum. Also had a bit of trouble figuring out who...
by Joao
Sat Mar 23, 2019 4:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 666

Re: The Hypochondriac

Thanks, Ray, very glad you like the lines. You're probably right on 'chasing', I'll try to think of something more appropriate. The tameness of 'cups' is deliberate, though: I wanted an ominous, menacing gesture; not the actual strike. Something like being caressed with a knife...
by Joao
Sat Mar 23, 2019 4:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 666

Re: The Hypochondriac

Thanks, mac, these are very helpful comments. You got me wondering so I googled around and found that there are indeed psychotic forms of hypochondria. Your other points addressed below. Interesting Joao. The poem delivers more than the title promises. Hypochondriac: a person who is abnormally anxio...
by Joao
Thu Mar 21, 2019 10:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 666

The Hypochondriac (Revised)

V4 My body is a lair. What lurks inside eludes the educated eye. My days are spent on watch: tracing vestiges, sounding walls, retracing the steps of the dead. A secret cauldron stews, within, a rancid seething broth meant for my veins. Through the breathless nights, I listen to the gurgle of garro...
by Joao
Mon Mar 18, 2019 3:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Milia (revision)
Replies: 11
Views: 373

Re: Milia

I really like the juxtaposed scales: the intimate facial close-up mingled with celestial symbolism. It's very striking; and so is the mother's voice and gesture in S4/5. 'Wrinkled pools of skin' didn't work for me, though -- it didn't have the same star-like tone of 'sallow rings'.