Search found 111 matches

by Joao
Mon Sep 02, 2019 1:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Theseus in Old Age
Replies: 11
Views: 454

Re: Theseus in Old Age

Very moving, Geoff. It reminds me of Tennyson's Ulysses, though your Theseus sounds more convincing. Now that you've done it, I can't believe anyone hadn't thought of applying the ship's metaphor to the man himself! Brilliantly done! A few minor comments below. When his spear at length became a crut...
by Joao
Mon Sep 02, 2019 12:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Invasive (with apologies to JJ - was Immigration)
Replies: 5
Views: 1058

Re: Invasive (with apologies to JJ - was Immigration)

JJ, I'm so sorry for missing your comments! I don't know what happened! You paraphrase the poem much more eloquently than I could hope to myself. I'll think about dropping another hint in S2: 'grasses' would break with the anthropomorphism I'm aiming for. Again, apologies, and thanks!
by Joao
Sat Aug 31, 2019 3:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Holes
Replies: 8
Views: 325

Re: Holes

'The odour collars memory', perhaps?
ray miller wrote:
Fri Aug 30, 2019 5:10 pm
memory fastens its teeth on the odour - yeah, that might work, though I had in mind a dog lead being fastened.
by Joao
Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Cheapside protocol
Replies: 10
Views: 682

Re: The Cheapside protocol

Having googled half my way through this, David, I was under the impression the subject was Mistress Quickly (wasn't her Inn on Eastcheap, rather?), but the Shipping Forecast made me doubt it.
by Joao
Tue Aug 13, 2019 1:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Different Stations
Replies: 14
Views: 445

Re: Different Stations

Very nice, Not. Shouldn't you have 'weren't' before 'trying to'. The absent spouse seems to be the object here, but in my first reading, I also detected a hint of the sexually inept spouse, which also fits the imagery nicely.

Enjoyed!
by Joao
Tue Jun 04, 2019 4:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Looking for Satoshi
Replies: 5
Views: 621

Re: Looking for Satoshi

Hi Tony, great subject, indeed. Def agree with Not that you could fit more into this -- I agree with his suggestions. I wonder if you couldn't also explore mining and coinage images and probe a bit more into his potential motivations... Just a thought.

Enjoyed!
by Joao
Tue Jun 04, 2019 4:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: My friend married a vegetarian Catholic (revised)
Replies: 13
Views: 881

Re: My friend married a vegetarian Catholic (revised)

Hi Mac, enjoyed reading this. I get the overall sense of your friend's tolerant discomfort at, what it seems, preferences imposed on him by marriage, but I'm still a bit lost about specific passages: revision He hears the bubbling noise of her. Today's soup boils I wonder why 'bubbling noise of her'...
by Joao
Mon Jun 03, 2019 9:27 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: congrats to David - Snakeskin
Replies: 4
Views: 787

Re: congrats to David - Snakeskin

Congrats, David! Loved The Second Circle
by Joao
Mon Jun 03, 2019 9:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Perpetuum Mobile
Replies: 5
Views: 1078

Re: Perpetuum Mobile

Thanks so much, all. Honour, thanks for your comments. I'm glad you liked some of it. Mac, delighted that you like it, thanks for the thumbs-up. Thanks, Jules, and I like your suggestions. No ambiguity intended: N mouths acceptance speeches. I'll revise. Thanks, Tony. Excess is sort of the point the...
by Joao
Mon Jun 03, 2019 8:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Squid
Replies: 24
Views: 2012

Re: Squid

I once read somewhere about a woman getting 'pregnant' with baby squids after eating calamari. They hadn't gutted the squid properly, so it squirted eggs that became embedded in her gums and tongue. I never thought that I would one day say: she had it easy, as far as mating with squids goes... I lik...
by Joao
Tue May 21, 2019 3:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Perpetuum Mobile
Replies: 5
Views: 1078

Perpetuum Mobile

We had long left the mantled side of alchemists. In the distance, they still gleamed, candled in the copper burnish of their alembics, cloaked in damask and incense, while we sat in our garages, or queued with carpenters at the hardware store. Behind the wheel, we gazed benignantly into the morning ...
by Joao
Wed May 15, 2019 5:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I Want No Part of Your Layered Cake
Replies: 9
Views: 691

Re: I Want No Part of Your Layered Cake

This is lovely, Jackie, this little insurrection. The only bit that didn't work for me was the startled grill: found it hard to anthropomorphise such a bare and angular object, although (afterthought) you probably mean that the grill shakes as the blobs land on it, which makes perfect sense. (Forgiv...
by Joao
Mon May 13, 2019 2:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: In a Cemetery of Oak and Ash
Replies: 13
Views: 704

Re: In a Cemetery of Oak and Ash

Hi Not, are the lines in italics yours or Erinna's? They're beautiful! Especially the thunder as a breaking cup. The lines felt misplaced, though. I think because they're too specific. In the preceding lines, you're trying to single out her burial by contrasting it with commonplace funeral tributes ...
by Joao
Mon Apr 15, 2019 11:41 am
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: National Poetry Competition
Replies: 7
Views: 610

Re: National Poetry Competition

Thanks, all. Hi Not, I've put the final version up now. No radical changes: mostly incorporating your very helpful suggestions at the time.
by Joao
Mon Apr 15, 2019 11:39 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 1031

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

Thanks, Not. I'll come back with changes soon.
by Joao
Tue Apr 09, 2019 4:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Lycorine in the Living Room (revised)
Replies: 14
Views: 834

Re: Lycorine in the Living Room

I really like the 'whim of April', mac. There's a Dutch saying: 'April doet wat hij wil' (April does what it wills). I might be way off, but I'm guessing the 'lover' is not the groom. I get the sense of a regretful bride (love the passing thrill of daffodils) contemplating murder (and worse, in S3)....
by Joao
Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 1031

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

Hi Not, I like your suggestions. I've adopted most. I agree with you on 'spotting'; not on 'listen', though, which can be done with great anxiety. I think I need to trust the undertone to indicate this rather than spell it out at every turn. Thanks again for the detailed commentary. Very helpful, as...
by Joao
Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:51 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: National Poetry Competition
Replies: 7
Views: 610

Re: National Poetry Competition

Thanks, all! Not, how do I move the post to Finishing Touch? I've never done it before. Do I need to ask one of the moderators?
by Joao
Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Interplanetary Love (revision 5)
Replies: 33
Views: 1402

Re: Interplanetary Love

Hi JJ, the first line says a lot and well, I think: the lover's hopeless attempt to humanise an indifferent universe. The difficulty, I suppose, is developing this conceit. What if distance were an emotion? I suppose the universe would then be compassionate (is that where you were going in L2?). How...
by Joao
Sun Apr 07, 2019 11:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 1031

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

That is an interesting thought, Not. I've now changed those last lines, but I'll keep thinking about it. Thanks! . Hi Joao, just a passing thought: I wondered if you were missing a trick at the end, not making the most of those 'ins'. ... in my ears, in the dark, in my heart cupped by a steely palm....
by Joao
Sun Apr 07, 2019 11:22 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: National Poetry Competition
Replies: 7
Views: 610

National Poetry Competition

Not sure how much of an achievement this is, but got this one (viewtopic.php?f=20&t=23255&p=195314&hil ... ck#p195314) longlisted here (https://poetrysociety.org.uk/competitio ... mpetition/). Thanks to those who helped with comments.
by Joao
Sun Apr 07, 2019 11:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')
Replies: 11
Views: 619

Re: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')

I like the V3 additions, Jules, but missed the childhood memories from V1. A few comments below (feel free to ignore them). I sleep on a drawing board. One of two in this strange house - and seasoned sublimely. (But I leap forward- the mice run under!) So, bed, I note your riddled corners (Daddy's y...
by Joao
Sun Apr 07, 2019 10:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 1031

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

Thanks for returning to it, Jules. Answers, below. Hi Joao, this is definitely tightening up nicely. 'My days are spent on watch' - I like 'on' aot 'in' but spent seems like the wrong verb . . . maybe something to conjure the watches on board a ship or submarine? What about 'My days are spent on the...
by Joao
Wed Apr 03, 2019 4:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')
Replies: 11
Views: 619

Re: The Signal Getting Clearer

Very nice, atmospheric stuff, Jules. A few thoughts below: I sleep on a drawing board; one of two in this strange house; and seasoned sublimely - but I leap forward, I don't understand why the hyperbole. The 'leap': is that you saying 'but I get ahead of myself?' the mice run under! So, bed, I note ...
by Joao
Wed Apr 03, 2019 3:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 1031

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

Thanks for coming back to it, Not. I've answered below. . Like the revision Joao, though it now feels like you need to lift the title a little to better match the verse (The Morbid Hypochondriac ?) Yeah, mac also made this point. I'll try to think of something a bit more dramatic Three minor nits. L...