Search found 55 matches

by Halfwrittenpoem
Sun Feb 11, 2018 3:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Loneliness
Replies: 6
Views: 620

Re: Loneliness

David- I apologise for sounding curt while responding to the critiques. I'll be sure to post a more detailed response to each comment the next time.
Regards,
hwp.
by Halfwrittenpoem
Sun Feb 11, 2018 11:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Loneliness
Replies: 6
Views: 620

Re: Loneliness

Tristian, Thank you for reading my work. I agree with you on needing to add more details and imagery to the body of the poetry and I will be posting a revision soon. TS, Thanks for the read. Even though I didn't refer to the Thesaurus while using the word inculcate, I understand it doesn't blend wel...
by Halfwrittenpoem
Wed Feb 07, 2018 10:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Loneliness
Replies: 6
Views: 620

Loneliness

A brook of whiskey splashes against the rocks, rattling the glass being filled repeatedly. Technicoloured rays strike my fatigued face, performing a familiar drama- that you hated. The charred incense of your brimming ashtray inculcates memories of how your breath tastes. These eerie sounds, These g...
by Halfwrittenpoem
Tue Apr 11, 2017 6:39 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: <untitled>
Replies: 1
Views: 303

<untitled>

Just for tonight
no strings attached
it felt right
I felt wrong
necessary evil
tales it's place.
by Halfwrittenpoem
Tue Sep 27, 2016 6:51 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Haiku
Replies: 19
Views: 857

Re: Unrelated Marriage Haiku

Trobbo44, This is one endearing read, especially after reading JJ's comment. A haiku does not need a title, so you can scrape it off. Also, I figure the absence of a coherent image pertaining to nature makes it more of a micro poem with counted line breaks. Although I'm no expert, I guess a seasonal...
by Halfwrittenpoem
Mon Sep 26, 2016 6:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Girls
Replies: 24
Views: 1445

Re: Girls

Ian,
Thanks for the great suggestions. Will surely use them while revising :)
Regards,
hwp.
by Halfwrittenpoem
Fri Sep 23, 2016 6:49 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Girls
Replies: 24
Views: 1445

Re: Girls

Thanks to everyone for their ever helpful suggestions. There will hopefully be revision of this piece soon as it's a topic I feel too strongly about. JJ- I will surely take your idea of incorporating more Indian elements into the poem on board. I was earlier skeptical because I realized a lot of cul...
by Halfwrittenpoem
Thu Sep 22, 2016 2:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Girls
Replies: 24
Views: 1445

Re: Girls

Pat, Luce, JJ Williamson, Ros, Pauline, David, Ian, Seth - thank you for taking the time out to read and analyze this piece. I feel like the message I was trying convey through this rant was not clear enough to most. (Ian and Seth's analysis was spot on, though.) I will try to give a little bit of c...
by Halfwrittenpoem
Tue Sep 20, 2016 7:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Girls
Replies: 24
Views: 1445

Girls

Little girls blossoming in a society where razor hands cut off rose laying petals for culprits to walk. Too tall, too short, too curvy or not, comparing themselves to airbrushed bodies; loathing what they've got. Growing up as the weaker sex- paid unequally, groped nonconsensually, treated discrimin...
by Halfwrittenpoem
Mon Sep 19, 2016 1:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: the art critic
Replies: 9
Views: 679

Re: the art critic

ManOfWar, I like the colorful descriptions of this poem, but fumbled along the lines to find the ideas converging into something coherent. You can get rid of art in the title(just a suggestion); it's a nice way to engage the reader by making him guess it himself. Standing picking his nose, --Standin...
by Halfwrittenpoem
Mon Sep 19, 2016 12:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Smoke Revision-1
Replies: 6
Views: 538

Re: Smoke Revision-1

Tristian- Glad you liked the last stanza! I understand that my first two stanzas are a bit weak and I plan to work on them. Thanks for your critique. David- Yes, my name is Sargam :) Thanks for your detailed critique. You have made some really good points. Katherine- I'm glad it evoked a memory. Tha...
by Halfwrittenpoem
Mon Sep 19, 2016 12:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Break Up
Replies: 16
Views: 975

Re: Break Up

Luce, I love how succinct and crisp this piece of work is. It works very well with the title and the theme is quite appealing and unconventional. Orange is the highlight of the poem; it paints a striking picture in the reader's mind. I'm curious as to know what prompted you to use 'flip flops'. Rega...
by Halfwrittenpoem
Tue Sep 13, 2016 4:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Smoke Revision-1
Replies: 6
Views: 538

Smoke Revision-1

She lies beside me at night on the cool beach sand, lungs intoxicated by that lit cigarette in her hand. She narrates the bygone stories, I meet her friends and folk, taking long drags every interval she corrupts the breeze with smoke. She turns to me with a grin, her lips: cracked and rough, but be...
by Halfwrittenpoem
Thu Aug 18, 2016 5:20 am
Forum: Post Some Prose
Topic: Two wounded soldiers
Replies: 1
Views: 1912

Two wounded soldiers

"What makes her company fairly tolerable is that she doesn't question all those wounds; doesn't enquire about the origin of all those scars. As she peels off every layer of my array, she pretends to be oblivious to the black and blue hues of my skin, bestowed by the steel buckle of my father's belt....
by Halfwrittenpoem
Sat Aug 06, 2016 7:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Welcome to Post a Translation
Replies: 2
Views: 4328

Re: Welcome to Post a Translation

Is it okay to post translations for any other poems written in languages not mentioned above?
by Halfwrittenpoem
Fri May 06, 2016 5:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Meera and Mohammed
Replies: 4
Views: 453

Re: Meera and Mohammed

Cynwulf,
Glad you enjoyed the poem!
Kafir is usually used by Muslims to describe someone who is not Muslim ( follows another faith).
But now it's very commonly used in India by other religions to describe a person who does not follow their religion.
by Halfwrittenpoem
Sun May 01, 2016 3:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Bad Dreams
Replies: 3
Views: 387

Re: Bad Dreams

Justforkix, Moth,
Thank you for your valuable inputs. I will consider them while editing the poem.
by Halfwrittenpoem
Tue Apr 26, 2016 6:33 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Bad Dreams
Replies: 3
Views: 387

Bad Dreams

The magical white powder assembled in neat lines, here - to kill off my worries and sanity, transport me to my blank canvas of endless possibilities. Where squirrels eat pizzas and ride bikes, red eyed mice play hopscotch, as I watch the skies throw multicoloured patterns, like kaleidoscopes. A shri...
by Halfwrittenpoem
Mon Apr 25, 2016 12:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Meera and Mohammed
Replies: 4
Views: 453

Re: Meera and Mohammed

Luce,
Thank you for your ever helpful comments. They are much appreciated.
by Halfwrittenpoem
Mon Apr 25, 2016 12:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Surrender
Replies: 9
Views: 798

Re: Surrender

JJWilliamson,
Thank for going through the post. This is- fortunately, not autobiographical. It's just an emotion I wanted to experiment with.
I do agree with the inconsistent meter and your suggestions are very much helpful and any more suggestions are always welcome.
Thanks again for critiquing.
by Halfwrittenpoem
Sun Apr 24, 2016 12:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Surrender
Replies: 9
Views: 798

Re: Surrender

Justforkix,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. They are appreciated.
by Halfwrittenpoem
Sun Apr 24, 2016 7:00 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Surrender
Replies: 9
Views: 798

Re: Surrender

Luce,
Thank you so much for your suggestions! They are much appreciated.
by Halfwrittenpoem
Mon Apr 18, 2016 3:48 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Meera and Mohammed
Replies: 4
Views: 453

Meera and Mohammed

In the bustling city of Mathura, I saw a scene so strange; stranger than seeing a Mandir and a Masjid standing arm in arm- like two brothers from the same mother. Outside each respective shrine sat clusters of men, being fed at the mercy of God; by the rich- praying from their sedans and opportunist...
by Halfwrittenpoem
Sun Apr 17, 2016 1:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Love And Other Drugs
Replies: 8
Views: 444

Re: Love And Other Drugs

David,
I agree that the last line is a bit of a cliche and was not honestly not expecting any appreciation for that part.
Thank you for your suggestions!
by Halfwrittenpoem
Sat Apr 16, 2016 5:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Love And Other Drugs
Replies: 8
Views: 444

Re: Love And Other Drugs

Ton321,
Thank you for your thoughts!