Search found 723 matches

by Luce
Mon Aug 26, 2019 12:38 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Window Washer
Replies: 7
Views: 1331

Re: The Window Washer

Cute poem Namyh, You keep the story going nicely and the majority of the end rhymes are tight. Love the closing lines. There are two end rhyme that did stand out to me but not in a good way. "Bind/time" sounds a bit forced, especially "problems that bind". Perhaps another rhyming pair would do or i...
by Luce
Sun Aug 25, 2019 11:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Rest - Triolet
Replies: 7
Views: 1172

Re: Rest - Triolet

Thanks Perry,

Glad the revision helped.

Luce
by Luce
Sun Aug 25, 2019 10:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Rest - Triolet
Replies: 7
Views: 1172

Re: Rest - Triolet

Thanks Mac, JJ, NOT and Jules... ...for reading and leaving insights and suggestions for this triolet. Mac - Yep, the poem is about life's struggles and how we cope or don't cope with them. In this case, the N has decided to make the home his/her sanctuary from the world, as so many of us do. It's ...
by Luce
Sat Aug 24, 2019 4:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Rest - Triolet
Replies: 7
Views: 1172

Rest - Triolet

Rest – Triolet - Revision Beyond this path, burnt black by pain, is where I sleep and keep a light. My house is warm and soothes like rain far from this path defaced by pain. My home is where I break the chain with memories of cranes in flight. Beyond this path, scarred deep by pain, I live in peac...
by Luce
Tue Aug 20, 2019 10:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: equinox (revision)
Replies: 4
Views: 818

Re: equinox

it's so easy to get carried away and why we shouldn't? what is so essential about to remain steady? which cycle doesn't lose the course from its source and which river doesn't simply disappears on its pale remembrance, aside all lives in stand by as if arise by weak force? who said that to be or no...
by Luce
Tue Aug 20, 2019 6:57 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Dear White Girl
Replies: 10
Views: 1441

Re: Dear White Girl

"I’ve met you before I will say it again. I’ve met you before And I want it to last forever...." These were the lines that intrigued me the most in the poem. Did the narrator meet the girl before, in another place, in another lifetime? Is that why the hurt is so deep? I'm wondering how the poem woul...
by Luce
Thu Feb 22, 2018 8:49 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Face on the Tree [abridged]
Replies: 2
Views: 941

Re: The Face on the Tree [abridged]

¡Ay, Dios mío! You revised it but didn't leave the original in the bottom. No big thing. Just put the original in the bottom so poster can see what has been changed. Off the bat, I see you changed the ending lines to something else but I prefer the original ending. Luce Sun shadows chiselled out a f...
by Luce
Mon Feb 19, 2018 3:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Sex through the Ages
Replies: 6
Views: 1209

Re: Sex through the Ages

I agree Luce, in fact I posted it here, thought better of it, so put in the prose section from where I was advised to move it back again. The chamber pots are a metaphor for critical response not to be taken literaly but the whjole thing is very much an experiment and totally tongue i cheek I'm in ...
by Luce
Sun Feb 18, 2018 11:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Face on the Tree [abridged]
Replies: 2
Views: 941

Re: The Face on the Tree

You are one prolific writer Ft. It takes me months to churn out a poem but you spit them out as quick as bacon on a hot skillet. I really like this one Ft. Love the alternating rhyme. I really love this line "in the lost world named history". Yes, a world we once knew can only be seen in past events...
by Luce
Sun Feb 18, 2018 10:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Sex through the Ages
Replies: 6
Views: 1209

Re: Sex through the Ages

Sorry Ft but it reads like prose. Breaking it up into shorter lines is not enough here. I see very little "pronounced" sonic devices used and which is expected in a poem. I say "pronounced", since prose can contain alliteration, assonance, similie, metaphor, etc. (done accidentally or purposely). Ho...
by Luce
Wed Feb 14, 2018 7:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Child in our Corner
Replies: 10
Views: 2150

Re: The Child in our Corner

Okay! Normally we initially submit one version at a time. It's only when you start to receive feedback, prompted from the initial submission, that you'll start to see versions on a poem. That said, I'm gonna concentrate on the unrhymed version because my little mind can't take in all three. It'll ex...
by Luce
Wed Feb 14, 2018 12:15 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Child in our Corner
Replies: 10
Views: 2150

Re: The Child in our Corner

.... I cannot disagree with anything you say about both my poem and poetry in general and in fact I had come back to remove this poem and replace it with something a little less rhymy but by then you had made your comment so I'll stick with it. Ft Would have liked to have seen the less rhymy versio...
by Luce
Sat Feb 03, 2018 7:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Rorschach Test - The Home Edition
Replies: 7
Views: 1658

Re: Rorschach Test - The Home Edition

I know that repeating "Bitten apple" is my clue but I can't get the connection between the items. I just have two guesses on this: 1. The list reflects a broken relationship (tearing, dinner plates breaking) or 2. this is Snow White taking a Rorschach test :D (bitten apple/poisoned apple). I know it...
by Luce
Fri Jan 19, 2018 3:15 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hunter in the Wood
Replies: 9
Views: 2035

Re: The Hunter in the Wood

Ft - The poem is coming along - slow but steady wins the race. It's a long piece with strict requirements (meter and rhyme) which makes doing even minor revisions twice as tricky, IMHO. Of course, it may be just me finding it tricky. I did note the approach you took in posting the revision. I'm ass...
by Luce
Fri Jan 19, 2018 1:07 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ritual - Revision III (Syllabic Verse)
Replies: 15
Views: 2270

Re: Ritual - Revision III (Syllabic Verse)

I rather like this. Good Not sure whether "which" in S1 refers to the deceit or the air. I'll clear that up. Too many thats in S2 - lines 1 and 2 are pretty much unintelligible to me - and you've mixed up singular and plural at least once there. Too many thats and singular/plural agreement correcte...
by Luce
Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Brought to Light by Winter's Denuding
Replies: 11
Views: 2210

Re: Brought to Light by Winter's Denuding

I enjoy prose poems, like this one. I like how it relentlessly rambles on from one image to the next. It can almost leave you breathless. These poems usually involve a story and this one is no exception except it really describes a moment which makes it extra special. The N encounters the dried out...
by Luce
Sat Jan 13, 2018 11:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Without a Compass (revision2)
Replies: 19
Views: 2537

Re: Without a Compass (revision2)

[quote="Macavity"] revision2 A tufted duck, eyes like buttons of gold, jumps and dives. The lake shivers. I'm wearing gloves, the ones you knitted in no time. We're tired. My short-cut was a thinning path, giddy inclines, hands gripping tussocks, that slip on shale, my jumper snagging on bracken. Yo...
by Luce
Sat Jan 13, 2018 11:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ritual - Revision III (Syllabic Verse)
Replies: 15
Views: 2270

Re: Ritual - Revision II (Syllabic Verse)

Greetings, Luce What would you think of cutting ln.9? Is it doing much for the poem. Don't know about deleting L9. I feel I need it to set a definite domestic scene. Seth Hi Luce, I find food in a poem evokes a whole lot of sensory world. I miss those pancakes and the coffee (there was a kid/parent...
by Luce
Fri Jan 12, 2018 7:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ritual - Revision III (Syllabic Verse)
Replies: 15
Views: 2270

Re: Ritual - Revision II (Syllabic Verse)

David - Thanks for the feedback. Duly noted.

All - Revision II up. Was able to do this in syllabic verse (7 syllables per line). It definitely has a different feel to it besides condensing the poem further.

Luce
by Luce
Fri Jan 12, 2018 8:20 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hunter in the Wood
Replies: 9
Views: 2035

Re: The Hunter in the Wood

Pretty strong poem Ft. N's views are very clear. Would hate to encounter the N in the woods after I just bagged a hare. :D Luce Well met sir, in this silent wood where I seek verse and you seek blood, I knew you were not far from here your gun spoke loud, its message clear. S1L1For some reason I li...
by Luce
Fri Jan 12, 2018 6:58 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Percuil River
Replies: 3
Views: 949

Re: The Percuil River

Just thought I'd drop by to see the revision. It's too bad that you felt you had to change the lines concerning "embossed". IMHO I can easily see the word "embossed" used for the stream. After all, it's a memory that the N is telling us and memories are usually imprinted. Also, water does carve/cut...
by Luce
Fri Jan 12, 2018 6:00 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ritual - Revision III (Syllabic Verse)
Replies: 15
Views: 2270

Re: Ritual

mac, Charles, Ft, Pauline - Thanks for dropping by and taking the time to read this piece through. I appreciate the feedback. I've posted a revision. Btw, it's not a metered poem even though, at first glance, it may look and sound that way. Nevertheless, in a future revision, I may submit it as a m...
by Luce
Wed Jan 10, 2018 6:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ritual - Revision III (Syllabic Verse)
Replies: 15
Views: 2270

Ritual - Revision III (Syllabic Verse)

Ritual – Revision III (Syllabic Verse) Now starts the deceit, when sounds of vowels and consonants pierce the air, that shapes the blades which betrayals are made of. We grasp the strands in the words that make us whole that allow us to face each other in the sterile light of morning, over coffee a...
by Luce
Wed Jan 10, 2018 5:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Percuil River
Replies: 3
Views: 949

Re: The Percuil River

Hi Luce. Thanks for such a concentrated read and for a constructive balance of compliment and helpful opinion. A brief scan of your points shows me immediately there is much to consider and that I have unintentional errors to correct as in the repetition of "reach". Can't think how that got through...
by Luce
Wed Jan 10, 2018 9:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Percuil River
Replies: 3
Views: 949

Re: The Percuil River

Nice one forty-two. I like the setting. The format used fits the poem's tone. Some stanzas/lines I especially like but others not so much. The imagery, end rhymes, progression and meter are mostly on point. My feedback will basically cover the imagery, rhymes and progression. I'll lightly touch on ...