Search found 21 matches

by ablackfoot
Sat Sep 05, 2015 8:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Flash and The Sacrificial Fire
Replies: 3
Views: 910

The Flash and The Sacrificial Fire

The Flash and The Sacrificial Fire The whole ocean pursues you, spreads its legs against the shore. You sport to far water for fish, to swallow moons. O you dolphins have hayfever, magnify moons. The whole world is dissolute for you, their horned heads they baptize in your sprinkling, your speaking ...
by ablackfoot
Sat Sep 05, 2015 8:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Stay (was 'September Song') — Revision 2
Replies: 14
Views: 1872

Re: September Song

Its really beautiful to me - I feel for some reason I can relate - but it is creepy too. I know mystery may make poetry here but I can't feeling some of the action is too obscure. What are the canaries? Just a metaphor? What are the black beetles hawking wares? Is that a British thing? Spotify stand...
by ablackfoot
Sat Sep 05, 2015 8:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Who’s Cattle Now
Replies: 12
Views: 1703

Re: Who’s Cattle Now

If cattle cannot ruminate, who can? Their thoughts proceed, recede. They amble, stand. Their automatic mandibles mould grass into beef, milk, pasture patties. Methane gas. Microscopic organisms farm humans doing good more times than harm until it’s harvest time and we’re their chief source of what t...
by ablackfoot
Wed Sep 02, 2015 10:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The End Of Giants
Replies: 3
Views: 762

Re: The End Of Giants

thanks for your responses. it is just so hard to write a successful poem. so many ways to go right and all it needs is perfection and command and delivery on our true desire, and unformulated desires. Unfortunately I think you notice a lot of this poem is generic. Refer to the much better poem on el...
by ablackfoot
Sun Aug 23, 2015 11:55 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Mushroom Picking (version 3)
Replies: 9
Views: 1336

Re: Mushroom Picking

I like it but I'm a bit confused. Does the forest to some degree stand in for his life? Is that why you say he made a den among the conifers, and the children play in a ghyll as a street. I know there is something there with the passage of time. The poem has beauty, somehow you got the suggestion of...
by ablackfoot
Fri Aug 21, 2015 11:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The End Of Giants
Replies: 3
Views: 762

The End Of Giants

The End of Giants Elephants are clay brooms against all grief, who eat sweet Savannah leaf for pay. They are the peaceful exodus, the mountain range bearing new mountains; celebrants of the heat and rain caught on their haired backs. They are marvelous marchers who take erasers to our cramped selfn...
by ablackfoot
Fri Aug 21, 2015 11:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I Want You to Ask
Replies: 14
Views: 2263

Re: I Want You to Ask

the ending is very romantic. The experience of the poem's body should maybe be a bit more indirect. Maybe cut out half the physical description and if possible bring in the feelings of the beach at sunset in another way, or bring in elements of the relationship or world in a subtle way. Its a good s...
by ablackfoot
Fri Aug 21, 2015 9:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: PCoD
Replies: 2
Views: 720

Re: PCoD

Hi Dedalus, I like the poem, especially the last four and a half stanzas, which are mysterious and strike a strange tonal balance. But the problem for me is that I don't know that narrative at all and it seems that if you provide a story the reader is going to want some understanding or they will be...
by ablackfoot
Mon Jul 20, 2015 5:10 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Blind Boy
Replies: 5
Views: 1166

Re: Blind Boy

I agree with a lot of what you guys said. Maybe "strum against your glasses" - no blues. Thank you so much for your honest responses. The tone actually is a bit harsh (condescending a bit) but tender too. That's just the tone the speaker takes. They don't mean to be insulting - more shocked the chil...
by ablackfoot
Sat Jul 18, 2015 6:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Music
Replies: 5
Views: 865

Re: Music

You did a lot when you went from thought to feeling. Poetry does not ordinarily hold song or a heightened speech when it is straight cognitive, as much of the first two stanzas are. But it has promise. A lot of great poetry is a meditation blended with feeling - like Donne. Keep at it ok? I definite...
by ablackfoot
Sat Jul 18, 2015 12:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Blind Boy
Replies: 5
Views: 1166

Blind Boy

Blind Boy Who kin to you? Poor bat, babysat by buses, none drops a coin for you. Like a bit of driftwood brushed by salt, your face just somebody's harp of happenstance; the city lights strum the blues against your glasses. Lawful as a dog, you wait with fat wonder trimmed by soft cleavers of sound ...
by ablackfoot
Sat Jul 18, 2015 12:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Night of the Fireflies
Replies: 10
Views: 1871

Re: The Night of the Fireflies

Seems like a very innovative structure. The upended glass, the mouth swallowing, promising, speaking. The candled jars. The shadows tipping into each other perhaps like water in the hold. I felt a strong sense of hunger translating through the text. The poem could have been structured differently to...
by ablackfoot
Sat Jul 18, 2015 12:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Koinonia
Replies: 8
Views: 1348

Re: Koinonia

Cynwulf, I liked it. It had a freshness and concision and purity of purpose it seems. A church filled with congregants from land and air right? Is appealing a pun? I don't think it needs to be taken in terms of apple. "Murmuring" however may be a miscue, with negative connotations and its use in the...
by ablackfoot
Thu Jul 09, 2015 7:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spinning Chester; He Spins Stronger
Replies: 8
Views: 1231

Re: Spinning Chester; He Spins Stronger

Thanks for the comments, I appreciate the feedback. :D Admittedly there are some parts more abstract. (I find it to be a great challenge to read my own stuff without the associations that got me there in the first place.) Disjunctions mostly from comments: Ray - "Manhattan Absaloms" here is a pejora...
by ablackfoot
Thu Jul 09, 2015 1:03 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spinning Chester; He Spins Stronger
Replies: 8
Views: 1231

Re: Spinning Chester; He Spins Stronger

You're right Suzanne. Sorry for the oversight. I have done them now. Ray, this is a poem done as a kind of imitation of the Jamaican dub DJ - such as Scientist, or King Tubby. A toast in this context is the speech/rap over the dance track. A riddim is the dub dance track, which is mostly free of sun...
by ablackfoot
Thu Jul 09, 2015 12:59 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Nursing Intervention
Replies: 12
Views: 1366

Re: Nursing Intervention

This is terrific. Have you read J.V. Cunningham? He does really nice short pieces. I know you have a solid rhyme scheme worked out but it would be great in my opinion if you could rewrite the first two lines to just before the last two lines. Otherwise there is the distracting contradiction of a the...
by ablackfoot
Thu Jul 09, 2015 12:44 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Victoriana
Replies: 12
Views: 1979

Re: Victoriana

Hi, interesting read. It has beauty and sincerity and cinematic imagination - all things I strive for. Reminded me in a basic way of Composed Upon Westminster Bridge by Wordsworth. Perhaps that was an inspiration. I agree with others that you could improve the line break at tail/end and maybe hauber...
by ablackfoot
Tue Jul 07, 2015 5:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spinning Chester; He Spins Stronger
Replies: 8
Views: 1231

Spinning Chester; He Spins Stronger

Spinning Chester; He Spins Stronger King Chester declares ya': [tab][/tab]All of you Manhattan Absaloms, [tab][/tab]lift your hands up high. [tab][/tab]Surrender to the low end. [tab][/tab]It is the switch, [tab][/tab]it is the scripture. [tab][/tab]All the nape is in my fingers. [tab][/tab]Bring yo...
by ablackfoot
Tue Jul 07, 2015 12:26 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: BBC Radio, Whiskey On The Bosphorus
Replies: 1
Views: 382

BBC Radio, Whiskey On The Bosphorus

This poem employs found text from the BBC broadcast given below. BBC Radio, May 30th, 2015 Whiskey On The Bosphorus They drink their whiskey on the Bosphorus. Vast lords like clouds of drones. They perform ancient arts; war and bitter necking centaurs; horsemen over land steal a half-sphere and head...
by ablackfoot
Tue Jul 07, 2015 12:22 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The circus tent billows in the wind
Replies: 4
Views: 667

Re: The circus tent billows in the wind

I felt there was promise all through this poem, maybe it just needs some fresh writing. The opening is clipped. The scene of a halted procession is shortchanged, even though a cough of drums is great. Maybe move from lyric description - you do end in lyric, you could make a return or even recycle so...
by ablackfoot
Tue Jul 07, 2015 12:03 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: secluded darkness
Replies: 6
Views: 821

Re: secluded darkness

the description is really nice. vivid. no need for a picture. However when you move to the second half of the poem, in the third stanza, you should expand on the scene cognitively. By which I mean maybe add some context however dark, however poetic, for the scene. Give it some meditation. You may wa...