Search found 108 matches

by elotrooso
Sat Aug 05, 2017 2:10 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Because this is Memory
Replies: 12
Views: 1838

Re: Because this is Memory

I think

a chain-link fence shed a pale, snakeskin shadow.

is my favorite line. A lovely image.

K
by elotrooso
Sun Jul 16, 2017 1:51 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Bukowski
Replies: 10
Views: 1753

Re: Bukowski

Agree with Tony's choice: those are the strongest lines. Also agree the poem could do with some paring down, but careful: a pristine little jewel would hardly seem appropriate to Mr B.
by elotrooso
Mon Jan 23, 2017 10:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: After
Replies: 6
Views: 869

Re: After

Nicely done. Line lengths and breaks suit the balancing act. Would "balanced/on" suit better than balanced/in"? It's seems a more finely balanced state to me to be balanced on something, e.g. with apologies to Leonhard, like a human bird on a wire.
by elotrooso
Sat Dec 03, 2016 7:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Advertising B & B at the Sea Bed Hotel (revised)
Replies: 9
Views: 1093

Re: Advertising B & B at the Sea Bed Hotel (revised)

Tried ringing the telephone number provided, but it's always busy. Must be quite the place. :D Read the revision first - which I thought well enough done, that I stopped reading the original part way into the second stanza! The revision seemed that much better than the original. Much better rhythm a...
by elotrooso
Mon Oct 10, 2016 4:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Traveler's Joy
Replies: 15
Views: 2595

Re: Traveler's Joy

I wonder if a comma after "another" might clarify the "both simultaneously" on a first read.

Fun piece, k-j. I quite liked the cavorting down the jetway, as a reflection of a traveler's relief that the traveling and the traveling state of mind are done.
by elotrooso
Fri Apr 01, 2016 3:23 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Z-boot
Replies: 16
Views: 1637

Re: Z-boot

And maybe an invisible "n" in

red-flags in the status widow...?

Or is there a bereaved person hanging about on the sub? :wink:
by elotrooso
Fri Feb 12, 2016 2:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Psychological Profile
Replies: 17
Views: 1508

Re: Psychological Profile

Very well done, Ray. Witty. A first read had no hitches at all. Loved 'as clear as the cratered moon" And the patients like poems, never finished, only abandoned. Very nice indeed.

K
by elotrooso
Tue Dec 08, 2015 11:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Coastal Waters
Replies: 14
Views: 1481

Re: Coastal Waters

Hi, C.

What fun. Really like the chopped weather report up front followed by the cloudiness/water being blown about. And I think my finger found its way and traced the maze into and round about...

K
by elotrooso
Mon Nov 16, 2015 3:25 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: At Allan's Corner
Replies: 11
Views: 1360

Re: At Allan's Corner

Hmmmn...I wonder....

I take the exclamation on the comma as some measure of the person, a trace of self-importance perhaps; if not a blowhard, at least a bit of a maker of a mountain centered on himself...

or not...

*slinks quietly back under the leaf mold...

K
by elotrooso
Wed Sep 23, 2015 11:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Plan
Replies: 7
Views: 988

Re: Plan

Lovely. Wouldn't change a word. The reveal at the end is very well done.

K
by elotrooso
Tue Sep 22, 2015 10:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Sundew revised
Replies: 10
Views: 1049

Re: Sundew revised

Hi, C. Just me, of course, but I'd be inclined to make L2 carnivorous rubies blaze: treasure because I find "blazon" a bit awkward (as a verb) and a bit awkwardly "antique". I assume peat's dark mirrors are the standing water you get in a bog; I'm prepared to accept that there might be some relectio...
by elotrooso
Mon Aug 17, 2015 5:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Elvis has left the village
Replies: 20
Views: 3174

Re: [Can't think of a good title for this at the moment]

Hi, David. Re title: Since many would know or guess Elvis is buried in Memphis, would the name of of a small local cemetary (even an imaginary one) serve.... ( Have to admit I had to google his burial site to be sure.) Brompton Grove Cemetary. Hampshire Hillside Cemetary, Ayrshire ....??? Or does th...
by elotrooso
Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Taking Off Jack
Replies: 9
Views: 1035

Re: Taking Off Jack

Ray, not time for a closer read at the moment, but the Russian dolls led me to expect/hope that each stanza would be enjambed as S1 is into S2.

More later I hope. Not a lot of time these days: house sold, finding rental that is pet friendly, on and on...

Ken
by elotrooso
Mon Mar 30, 2015 9:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: All too briefly
Replies: 10
Views: 1125

Re: All too briefly

I wondered about breaking line 5 after Pope; it would seem to leave the hand hovering a little more and perhaps picks up on the blessing of the previous line a bit more. It also seems to concentrate the 'here' from his splendid palace. (Or not...just a thought.) In any event a nice sketch oof evanes...
by elotrooso
Mon Mar 30, 2015 9:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Cloud Shop/V2
Replies: 22
Views: 1898

Re: Cloud Shop

What fun. Brought a definite smile.
by elotrooso
Thu Mar 26, 2015 6:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The superb lyrebird
Replies: 13
Views: 1388

Re: The superb lyrebird

Thanks for the link, Ros. That is fascinating: camera with a motor drive, chainsaws! Amazing. Makes me wonder about their potential to imitate speech. Good, old David. We are the next great extinction, rolling blithely along. We seem incapable of caring enough even for our closest cousins, the prima...
by elotrooso
Wed Mar 25, 2015 10:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The superb lyrebird
Replies: 13
Views: 1388

Re: The superb lyrebird

Hi, Ros. Quite liked this. I wouldn't know a lyrebird if it perched on my shoulder, but I don't need to to enjoy this piece. A sense of Keep your head and carry on. And also a sense of fiddling while Rome burns... but made more omninous by the bird's complete inability to affect the sawing/burning d...
by elotrooso
Tue Mar 24, 2015 10:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Tea time (revised)
Replies: 20
Views: 1734

Re: Tea time

And today's winner of the Oblivious One Award: me. I looked up syldexia. "Now there's a word I've never seen. I wonder what that means." Of course the search came up empty. DUH.
by elotrooso
Mon Mar 23, 2015 11:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Tea time (revised)
Replies: 20
Views: 1734

Re: Tea time

Hi, Ian.

I'm struggling with this piece. The first point of real uncertainty for me happens in line 3: the past tense 'did' amongst all the present tenses. Still chewing on it. I'm obviously missing something.
by elotrooso
Mon Mar 23, 2015 8:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spring lizard
Replies: 8
Views: 1299

Re: Spring lizard

Nice piece. Gentle. Very nice. I wonder about replacing "the lizard" in line 10 with a pronoun: it changes the stress count but quickens the pace, and I don't think doing so risks ambiguity. As the others have noted, the last line is great. It comes as a complete surprise but not at the cost of bein...
by elotrooso
Fri Mar 20, 2015 8:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I needed the money
Replies: 4
Views: 635

Re: I needed the money

Egnulp is plunge backwards, is it not?
by elotrooso
Sun Mar 08, 2015 2:55 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Wild Camp
Replies: 17
Views: 1541

Re: Wild Camp

I concur in the sentiments of the last few posts in this thread. It is a poorer place without you, Luke. I'm hoping it is just "life" getting in the way as it does sometimes.
by elotrooso
Sat Feb 21, 2015 7:57 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The children turn in their sleep (1984)
Replies: 7
Views: 927

Re: The children turn in their sleep, dream of flying (1984)

Hi, Mic. Very intiguing. I hope you won't mind a bit of stream of not-so-very-conscious consciousness commenting. A single blossom falls. I wonder why it finds no ground. Because in the dark the fall can't be followed visually all the way to the ground? Love S2. Moon swells. In monochrome. Long gras...
by elotrooso
Thu Feb 19, 2015 5:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Bittersweet
Replies: 25
Views: 2606

Re: Bittersweet

Nicely done, both.

Loved the hesitation waltz of the pencil flitting about the sum. Lots of good lines and images and very evenly handled throughout.

Well, done. Sounds like you had fun with this.

*and the crowd cries out for more*
by elotrooso
Thu Feb 19, 2015 7:14 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Nook (rev4)
Replies: 23
Views: 1542

Re: Nook (rev3)

Hi, Mac.

I keep wanting to read a comma after the ginger cake. Hmmmn.

For what it's worth, I find the "then" in the "rock, we then slide our limbs" line rather jarring.

P.S. Looking forward to a Cornwall piece. Been many a long year since I was last there.