Search found 17 matches

by Beowulf
Sat Nov 15, 2014 3:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The earth
Replies: 8
Views: 1069

Re: The earth

Thank you nar & elotrooso for the close readings. @ nar Will replace the "its" with "it is". Agree that "spells" breaks the rhyme but needed to come up with a word that rhymes will "cell". @ elotrooso Your close reading has been especially insightful. I was trying to make a clear distinction between...
by Beowulf
Mon Nov 03, 2014 5:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The earth
Replies: 8
Views: 1069

Re: The earth

Thank you Macavity, David, byneothr & Cynwulf . This is my first attempt at writing a rhymed sonnet and I’m sure all your comments are equally valid. @ Macavity : Is it sometimes okay to leave a reference such as “he” unspecified ? @ David & byneothr : Agree with you. At one level the poem can appea...
by Beowulf
Fri Oct 24, 2014 3:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The earth
Replies: 8
Views: 1069

The earth

The earth is made of beautiful things linked cell by living cell, held in place by little things like moms, dogmas and faery spells. Of all which moves the earth, love is chief. Like manna-dew or rain it’s light bestowed from above in promethean and sacred ways. To be sure there abounds human sorro...
by Beowulf
Fri Oct 24, 2014 12:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: When I think of you
Replies: 12
Views: 1712

Re: When I think of you (which is often)

hi Mic,
Liked the poem

How about "slender arms" instead of "arms" ? (its sorta rhymes with lavender too)
and remonstrate (or gesticulate or motion) instead of demonstrate ?

"making me smile so" ... instead of "making me laugh so" ?
B
by Beowulf
Fri Oct 24, 2014 11:51 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Bandwagon
Replies: 4
Views: 690

Re: Bandwagon

I think ure referring to a Prairie Schooner
http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/top ... e-schooner

Since so much depends on the means of transportation (in this case)
IMO I think using Band Wagon incorrectly seems to subtract than add
by Beowulf
Fri Oct 10, 2014 6:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hungover
Replies: 5
Views: 865

Re: Hungover

IMO the first two lines could be simplified, perhaps as
It’s said – getting drunk
is borrowing happiness from tomorrow

also why not drop “front room” ?
by Beowulf
Sat Sep 20, 2014 10:39 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Bloom
Replies: 4
Views: 855

Re: Bloom

hi Moth, I liked the way the poems seems to allude to something without quite revealing it (its either that or I'm being dense). I'm thinking it’s something to do with fertility with references to Bloom, "pregnant as it gets" and the unopened bud. I seem to loose the poem from here,"a Chinese lanter...
by Beowulf
Wed Sep 17, 2014 2:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: East Sea
Replies: 5
Views: 798

Re: East Sea

Thank you David & Moth. You comments are much appreciated. @ David I wrote partook since S1 is in past tense. I've often struggled with maintaining consistent tense. Does it still need to be partake of? (given that the stanza is in past tense) I agree, the second “I've” should be dropped in S2. A re...
by Beowulf
Tue Sep 16, 2014 4:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: East Sea
Replies: 5
Views: 798

East Sea

East Sea I’ve returned from a journey, what an amusing dream it has been, say yes to everything whispered the naked heart. There were lakes, mountains and trees, two brown ponies, big and shaggy and colorful kites on the windy beach. I partook in the loaves of earth, drank the red wine of the sun. ...
by Beowulf
Tue Sep 09, 2014 9:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Last Grey
Replies: 6
Views: 1168

Re: Every morning since Sunday

The images of "Steam", "silence" evoke fragility, "round" on the other hand seems tad heavy. wouldn't rim suggest circular ? (I agree not as a rule but more often than not) I liked the second stanza especially the long sentence across lines. Meaning dissipates without you -> isn't "without you" impl...
by Beowulf
Tue Sep 02, 2014 5:12 pm
Forum: Hello, Good Evening and Welcome
Topic: Hello
Replies: 6
Views: 2378

Re: Hello

Thank you Jackie. I'm building up my courage :)
by Beowulf
Tue Sep 02, 2014 5:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Fall of Moon dust (revision)
Replies: 15
Views: 1599

Re: A Fall of Moon dust (revision)

Hi Kev,
Earthlight makes sense now. After rereading the poem Earthlight snapped into place (and felt better than sunlight).

Capitalizing Earthlight tripped me, also the lack of a “,” after Earthlight.
Either I’m splitting hairs or I’m not getting my indentation correct.

Beo
by Beowulf
Mon Sep 01, 2014 3:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Fall of Moon dust (revision)
Replies: 15
Views: 1599

Re: A Fall of Moon dust (revision)

Hi Kev, I like the revised version. It appears tighter. I've often struggled with opening lines, Is, "The Moon dust falls in the bright Earthlight Buzz plants a boot print in the glassy lunar soil," to be read as complete logical unit ? I'm a little confused with Earthlight in here . I'm sure there ...
by Beowulf
Fri Aug 29, 2014 7:06 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Trust
Replies: 5
Views: 746

Re: Trust

It is remarkable that you maintained a rhyme scheme for twelve stanzas. I like the ambiguity of the first three lines that draws you into the rest of the poem (is it a lady? is it a bird ? is it an insect ? etc etc.. until one reaches the fourth line. In some instances though, the rhymes appeared "b...
by Beowulf
Thu Aug 28, 2014 11:32 am
Forum: Hello, Good Evening and Welcome
Topic: Hello
Replies: 6
Views: 2378

Re: Hello

Thank you David & Antcliff.
No relation to Cynwulf but nudged in the direction (in opting for Beowulf)
by Beowulf
Wed Aug 27, 2014 4:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Silver Piece
Replies: 13
Views: 1566

Re: The Silver Piece

Hello Mike, I am new to this forum. Am slowly easing myself in and hence the post on a thread which isn’t "red hot" at the moment. I like your conceptualization. On the other hand, the "rage" appears pronounced. Like winding sentences up "A silver piece it was ...", "In each hand it was held..." muc...
by Beowulf
Wed Aug 27, 2014 3:33 pm
Forum: Hello, Good Evening and Welcome
Topic: Hello
Replies: 6
Views: 2378

Hello

Hi,
I am glad to be on the forum.
Posting my poems online and receiving feedback is new to me.
I hope to contribute and benefit from this.
Thank you
Beo