Search found 28 matches

by Bee
Thu Mar 05, 2015 8:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Flightless Light
Replies: 9
Views: 918

Re: Flightless Light

Maybe I was a bit too ambiguous on this one. The firefly has been captured and put in a jar so it can be used as a lantern. It made sense in my head but a lot of the time I have problems converting my thoughts to writing
by Bee
Thu Mar 05, 2015 7:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Flightless Light
Replies: 9
Views: 918

Re: Flightless Light

Thanks guys for commenting, David I real like how it came across as mythical, reading it back I see how it may have come across like that but a lightning bug is just another name for a firefly :)
by Bee
Mon Mar 02, 2015 5:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Flightless Light
Replies: 9
Views: 918

Flightless Light

Oh little lightning bug don’t fright You lit the lantern, giving life Blackness withers within your light And grants us safety through the night Oh lightning bug forgive me please For I well know that I have sinned Your wings weren’t stolen selfishly Your light now lets the children see A lightning ...
by Bee
Mon Mar 02, 2015 5:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Lonely Man
Replies: 15
Views: 1128

Re: Lonely Man

Hi Paula I think your first draft of this poem was my favourite, its short, simple and yet carries one hell of a punch to it. I think the loneliness and longing was expressed beautifully and the rhythm scheme was really enjoyable. I feel that the new poem is more of an entirely new poem, maybe a fol...
by Bee
Mon Mar 02, 2015 5:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The innocence of youth
Replies: 10
Views: 893

Re: The innocence of youth

Hiya G
I think its interesting how distant yet cool and collected the boy is and I like how far away this is from the western ideology. I found some of the poem a bit wordy for example l3 but that may just be because ive been away from poetry for a fairly long time
Bee x
by Bee
Wed Aug 13, 2014 11:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: House of mirrors (drug n slight sexual references)
Replies: 4
Views: 726

Re: House of mirrors (drug n slight sexual references)

Hi and a warm welcome to poets grave. I don't think this works as a stand alone poem, some parts flow quite naturally but other parts of it seem like the rhymes are forced and the rhythms not quite working. The length of the poem makes it difficult to take everything in and attach meaningful connota...
by Bee
Tue Aug 12, 2014 7:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Lizzie Borden
Replies: 9
Views: 1241

Re: Lizzie Borden

Thanks everyone for taking the time to critique this, all of your comments have been incredibly valuable I wrote it when I was still a school girl and haven't done much to it since then. The lack of punctuation is due to my lazy younger self but I originally had written it to emulate a disjointed, e...
by Bee
Wed Jul 16, 2014 8:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Lizzie Borden
Replies: 9
Views: 1241

Lizzie Borden

Dearest Lizzie

Your birds have been beheaded
Your mother has been murdered
And your daddy decapitated

An eye for an eye
A tooth for a tooth

And the axe that hacks with every whack
Should end up in your parents heads
And leave them stone cold dead

But Lizzie
Your too busy
For such child's play
by Bee
Mon Jul 07, 2014 10:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Silent Tongue
Replies: 14
Views: 1781

Re: The Silent Tongue

Hi Ron A very interesting poem although I did have some problems following it, I think I prefer s2 as the imagery isn't quite as extreme and forceful as it is in s1 as Ian has pointed out. The silent tongue, frost-bitten and blistered Personally this is my favourite part as the silent tongue sounds ...
by Bee
Mon Jul 07, 2014 10:06 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Love Letter to Ros
Replies: 9
Views: 873

Re: Love Letter to Ros

This is epicness at its finest, S3 really made me chuckle :)
Bee
by Bee
Mon Jun 16, 2014 12:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Nicotine Baby
Replies: 18
Views: 1968

Re: Nicotine Baby

wow lotta mixed reviews on this one. thank you so much everyone for taking the time to critique it. I think I'm going to leave it as it is at the moment and maybe come back to it in a few months time to try and work out some of the bugs :) Peter I think titles are one of my weakest points as I eithe...
by Bee
Wed Jun 11, 2014 9:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Nicotine Baby
Replies: 18
Views: 1968

Re: Nicotine Baby

Hi guys Thank you all for the feedback, I see now that it may have been a wee bit confusing but the baby is still in the womb. I was thinking of maybe changing line 3 to And let the smoke unfurl But I'm not 100% sure yet. I may have been a bit of a scallywag when it came to continuity :) The we'll h...
by Bee
Tue Jun 10, 2014 9:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The airport lounge,
Replies: 14
Views: 1004

Re: The airport lounge,

Interesting poem, as others have said it is quite wordy and confusing at some parts but I think it really gets across the frustration and annoyance of enduring god awful airport lounges. I've waited in a far few of these lounges so its a poem that I can really connect with. or worse, write poetry - ...
by Bee
Tue Jun 10, 2014 11:06 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Not so Brother and Sister
Replies: 13
Views: 1083

Re: Not so Brother and Sister

Hi Poppy I really enjoyed this, although it does induce a nostalgia overload as it reminds me of the once destructive nature of my own brother :). The simplistic tone and personification of the boat adds to the child like charm. I agree with some of the other comments that the title could use some w...
by Bee
Tue Jun 10, 2014 10:51 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Nicotine Baby
Replies: 18
Views: 1968

Nicotine Baby

Oh little one. Uncurl your fist And watch the smoke unfurl But she'll still puff. We'll huff and sigh, Your mother's just a girl Who takes a drag Enough for two To satisfy the need. Heartbeats increased Not fully formed She'll stillbirth and She'll bleed. But just perhaps You'll see the light Enthra...
by Bee
Thu May 22, 2014 10:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ruby Duchess
Replies: 11
Views: 1181

Re: Ruby Duchess

Thanks for the warm welcome Jackie and I'm glad this forum is brimming with lovely people :D there aren't any fatales femmes (or hommes) here. :wink: that comment alone most definitely made my day. I chose far, far away from because I wanted to get across the image that these men who have been kicke...
by Bee
Thu May 22, 2014 9:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The decomposition of love
Replies: 14
Views: 1406

Re: The decomposition of love

Really enjoyed this Nicky
It kinda gave me the impression that love seemed to be a sickly sweet virus that slowly takes over the body. Its eerie whilst at the same time romantic which is a combination a quite enjoy
Bee
by Bee
Fri May 16, 2014 10:21 pm
Forum: Poetry Discussion
Topic: Poems That You Love
Replies: 103
Views: 27952

Re: Poems That You Love

Hi Interesting poem choices, I must say I wasn't overly keen on the first one, I didn't really get it and it seemed a bit wordy but I remember doing Futility at school a fair while back and liking it then. I think it was the soft nature imagery that drew me in :) One of my favourite poems is by Jame...
by Bee
Wed May 07, 2014 10:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ruby Duchess
Replies: 11
Views: 1181

Re: Ruby Duchess

Thanks David and mac for your useful replies I know this may sound silly but she could very well be a serial killer, she's just kinda a character that tumbled out of my head and took on a fictional life of her own ( I hope I don't sound to crazy) And mac, I liked the idea of the more detached voice,...
by Bee
Tue May 06, 2014 5:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Secret Society
Replies: 11
Views: 1242

Re: Secret Society

The title original drew me in as I thought it was going to be something quite dark and sinister but was pleasantly surprised that this was not the case. I agree with Luke that the goodness / innocence doesn't quite work but the rest of the poem I found incredibly captivating :) the wise ones; the on...
by Bee
Sun May 04, 2014 12:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Crossing Lines
Replies: 12
Views: 1061

Re: Crossing Lines

Hi Jackie I found this a very interesting (if not slightly difficult to follow) read. I thought the imagery worked really well The line we ourselves minded was the road edge. Well, the footpath. But looking back— that turnoff I see signed with a black-on-yellow Right-Turn-With-Side-Road diamond, the...
by Bee
Sun May 04, 2014 10:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ruby Duchess
Replies: 11
Views: 1181

Re: Ruby Duchess

Aw I think I might love all you guys already, I've never even heard of all these meters before so I just want to thank you Cynwulf for introducing me to this new and exciting world of poetry :D And Kev Think I may have frequented one or two in my time hoping to be mistaken for a king. :wink: that ge...
by Bee
Sun May 04, 2014 10:49 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Letter to a Prodigal Son (was Prodigal Son (edit 2)
Replies: 13
Views: 1403

Re: Prodigal Son

Hi I'm pretty new to poetry so please bare with me :) I really enjoyed your poem mainly due to its topic ( I think the title was pretty clever too) but the rhythm in the first 2 stanzas I found difficult to cope with, probably because they were just a wee bit too wordy. But thanks for the interestin...
by Bee
Sat May 03, 2014 11:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Call of Nature (revision2)
Replies: 17
Views: 1361

Re: Call of Nature (revision2)

I love the concept and rhythm that you have in this poem a ladder snakes her scarlet tights, from knee this is without a doubt my favourite line as it flows really well and the imagery is amazing :) The only part that didn't work for me personally was Come night, come morning, come this sweet deligh...
by Bee
Wed Apr 30, 2014 2:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ruby Duchess
Replies: 11
Views: 1181

Re: Ruby Duchess

Hi Penguin Thanks for the useful critique, taking on board your criticism I realise I may have been a bit too ambiguous. A ruby duchess is a champagne cocktail which I chose as it ties in with the setting of the poem and also links in with the character pretty well. The setting is a sleazy common ba...