The Poets' Graves Workshop

Once, a yellow shaft of light fell on the word,
and it was lit up in glorious technicolour of the fervent
or demented;

but no one talks about it anymore;
it's been consigned to the suburbs, bides its time
in a copse behind the estate-

holding out for your small change.

Hi JJ
Thanks for the metrical crit, I appreciate it actually. There doesn't seem to be much of it anymore on this forum.
I've changed a lot of the original, but I can see where you're going with it. Much appreciated,
Tony

Hi Not, I like it, though a bit baffled. Will come back later,
Tony

Hi Not
Thanks for the suggestions/comments. Been reading Edgelands by Farley and Roberts, which inspired the piece.
T, will work on it soon, agree with your crit,
Tony

Hi Charles, Thanks for the comments/suggestions, glad you liked some of it. Hope it wasn't too relevant to your experiences on the dating scene :( I suppose there could be humour brought into it, but now I've re-read it so many times, I don't think it is possible for it to work on that level. Will w...

Hi trevor,
I think you've done a great job of showing those paternalistic feelings/ impressionistic, and in the moment. Felt real.
Tony

Hi Not

I like the exuberance of this piece. I think you could drop verses 4 and 5, and it would be much better,
Tony

Not the bridge you normally notice- functional and invisible, as you pass under it on a motorway- an architectual sleight of hand of grey concrete and seventies design; where you might stand in the middle and look down at the endless zooming traffic, where you might notice the doppler effect on a ra...

Not, thanks for the detailed comb-through. Did you know it was a Keats cover when you came to it? Just wondered, because of your crit. of the title, but thanks for the suggestions anyway. David, there are a few niggles with off rhyme and line length, I agree. I don't know why, but I've been wanting ...

Hi Suzanne

I enjoyed it, but I think the best parts are the first and the last stanza, the middle feels like filler; I like the alliteration of the first two lines.
Tony

Revision So what's a matter, down-trod man, scruffy, with your suit all torn? living in the underpass- You look so worn. So what's a matter down-trod man, The nights are getting very cold You're in the knackers yard of life and prematurely old Pale and peakys what you are you look like you haven't s...

Hi Not, My take is that this is about perception of what's normal/abnormal and the contrast between the two. I suppose the question arises in the second stanza about what banana hanging from what hook. I like how the lines balance out in each stanza -needs fleshing out a lot more to make it work fro...

Thanks Not, JJ, for your comments. This piece feels like it could have dozens of variations/iterations, but I appreciate your suggestions,
Tony

Thanks Trevor
I agree that the last verse seems to be the least worst, but thanks for the comments/suggestions,
Tony

Not

I agree with most of your sentiments, but it could be condensed.
Tony

The heart is trapped in its snare; cold steel is bliss, non movement is part of the game, the set stare will hypnotise but allow no improvement. The heart is hooded like a hawk then when its lifted off, cold claws, bony beak, not like a lark more like the magpies cough high up in winter trees, dark ...

Not, I know I'm supposed to know that that the first line of the original sounds like the opening to another poem, but I don't know, actually. I've changed it anyway. Trevor its more of a snapshot, than an action-take, but thanks for the comments. David, thanks for the comments, I've kept the heart ...

Revision 1 The Pink moon is just a full moon, named after a wild flower in America. It slips through the gap in the curtains, anyway, the nights currency, silver, to our eyes. But I might be colour blind, and it might be pink. This is how money is spent. Revision Silently, slowly, the full moon tip ...

I agree that the first stanza is the best. If you could keep to images that suggest/ emanate emotions, rather than explicitly state them,
Tony

Not,
Good choice of form with couplets to emphasize the dual/ duplicitous nature of the subject. Brings to mind the double-speak of Orwell's Big brother also.
Only fault is the weak rhyme in couplet seven, unless this was deliberate? Nice one,
Tony

Thanks Ray, Perry , JJ for the comments/suggestions, and pointing-out of spelling mistakes. Thanks ray, for the suggestions. Perry- this is still a poem in progress- i haven't worked out what it means yet, but it does need something else, I agree. JJ, thanks for your input, glad you found it interes...

Ghost-Meat( revision) You scroll down the online menu of your favourite Curry House, Onion Bahji, Vegetable pakora, Prawn paratha, then you see the strange subtitle-Ghost Meat, above the minced chicken kebabs, and shish kebabs, a misnomer, mistranslation, but somewhow correct; the evisceration of fl...

Hi Ray

I enjoyed it, as much as you can "enjoy" a piece about numbing yourself to suffering with the use of Big Pharma. Don't think you need the last verse. Maybe better to end on irony than recap.
Tony

Hi Ray, thanks for the comments, : :lol: ,. There's no excuse for not using "hard on" in your next piece, now ! Every alteration in a piece seems to please some, but not others, but thanks for your response, much appreciated. "Thinking I'd be dazzled" is 6 beats, not the requisite 7 to fit the form,...

Trevor thanks for the feedback, decided to change the first stanza, and the title. Also thanks for the suggestions, very helpful. Not, I'm no expert on haiku, but the inspiration has been reading George Szirtes efforts on Instagram, which follow the same pattern, mainly as an exercise in form, and t...