Search found 1421 matches

by 1lankest
Sun Jan 13, 2019 6:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Resolution (was Torpor) (version 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 204

Re: Resolution (was Torpor) (version 3)

Thanks James, Ray. Really really helpful. Sulk over.

Perhaps a change of title and ending where Ray suggests is the way forward....any ideas for titles?!
by 1lankest
Sun Jan 13, 2019 11:32 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Resolution (was Torpor) (version 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 204

Re: Resolution (was Torpor) (version 3)

I also have to say, and perhaps I’m being over defensive, but as a poem about trying for children I feel this works. Each three sections contain clues as to the theme. They show the passage of time - present, past, future. It is about hope, despair, the power of nature to giveth and taketh away! The...
by 1lankest
Sun Jan 13, 2019 11:21 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Resolution (was Torpor) (version 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 204

Re: Resolution (was Torpor) (revised)

Thanks all, I assumed at the time it was an endemic gecko but looking it up it must have been an escaped Madagascan lizard from the zoo! You’re right, NOT. Quite exciting in retrospect. Perhaps there’s a poem in that instead!

Final revsion up - does it work in three sections?

Luke
by 1lankest
Sun Jan 13, 2019 11:16 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Tree of Life (After Hoyland) [formerly A Rose Thrashing]
Replies: 13
Views: 603

Re: A Rose Thrashing V3 (formerly 'Every Tree')

I like v1 a lot, as draft. I’m not sure the revisions develop it successfully but the idea and imagery are great and worth working on. As an invocation of the musical, theatrical life of trees v3 works ok. Super sonics as well as images. I’m not left with any deeper philosophical or existential unde...
by 1lankest
Thu Jan 10, 2019 10:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Groaning Stones (was 'Stones')
Replies: 25
Views: 290

Re: Stones

Good stuff, jj. Do you need the commas though?

Luke
by 1lankest
Thu Jan 10, 2019 9:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Resolution (was Torpor) (version 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 204

Re: Torpor

Thanks Tristan, Ray.

Some good points but I wonder if this, as it was, achieved it’s aim. I think not.
hoping the revision does - it’s quite different!

Thanks again both,

Luke
by 1lankest
Wed Jan 09, 2019 8:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Something Seasonal
Replies: 6
Views: 382

Re: Something Seasonal

Love ‘cool lavatorial charms’. In fact, I love it all. Great fun and depressingly familiar!

Luke
by 1lankest
Wed Jan 09, 2019 8:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Resolution (was Torpor) (version 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 204

Resolution (was Torpor) (version 3)

Version 3 i On Dartmoor they say it’s either raining or it shall. Second that. Can’t see Bowerman's Nose for cloud. The air’s slack, snagged on southern cliffs, barnacles, whelks, corroded hooks. We cling to stone, waiting for sunlight to penetrate these ageing walls and stifle winter’s mould. I cla...
by 1lankest
Wed Jan 09, 2019 8:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Let’s Be True To Our Selves
Replies: 14
Views: 222

Re: Let’s Be True To Our Selves

Starkly wrought comparisons. A poem that says so much more than it’s words.
What is it to blow ones poke? New one, that.
Some excellent turns of phrase. Reminded me of Larkin...

‘No one can deny that Arnold is less selfish than I...’

Luke
by 1lankest
Wed Jan 09, 2019 8:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: December Daffodils!
Replies: 7
Views: 169

Re: December Daffodils!

Thanks just, mac, David, Ray, Not.

Some good suggestions. I agree a truncated version works better. Will ponder. Like your idea JJ.

L
by 1lankest
Thu Jan 03, 2019 11:56 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: December Daffodils!
Replies: 7
Views: 169

December Daffodils!

First seen in Gorslas early on the 20th: clusters of incipient yellow, cars halting, hazards on. Passengers unloading for selfies. Many tweeting, texting home. For some, however, confusion followed: pulling-off from pavements disoriented, unbelted, they observed prolonged impromptu silences, as thou...
by 1lankest
Thu Jan 03, 2019 11:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: 22/11/63
Replies: 15
Views: 328

Re: 22/11/63

‘Bailiwick of safety’ is worth the entry fee alone! Super.
I agree with Mac about the pronoun/prep endings but that’s no biggy. I think it’s fine here, actually.

An original take on the theme of loss of innocence, David.

Luke
by 1lankest
Thu Jan 03, 2019 11:49 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Folk Tale (+ loose translation)
Replies: 14
Views: 306

Re: Folk Tale

What Mac, said. Sorry NOT. What I read reminded me of Fred Daguiar, though, which is no bad thing.

L
by 1lankest
Thu Jan 03, 2019 11:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Coevals
Replies: 13
Views: 261

Re: Coevals

I read this as the narrator lamenting the divorce between him and his heritage. The gulf between generations that geography and time and death serve to deepen.

Very nice, David.

Introduced me to PK, too. Thanks!

L
by 1lankest
Thu Jan 03, 2019 11:44 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Jerry Can (Revision 2)
Replies: 17
Views: 806

Re: Jerry Can (Revision 2)

Not, thanks a million for your perseverance. Hugely appreciated. I think you’re right about most things here and I have made changes. I want to stick with the minds barrow, however. As a rural car mechanic it is totally plausible he would use a barrow to carry parts around the yard. I think a cinema...
by 1lankest
Sun Dec 30, 2018 4:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Jerry Can (Revision 2)
Replies: 17
Views: 806

Re: Jerry Can (revised)

Jules, David, mac, NOt, Perry, Elph - thanks so much for your time. Lots of helpful comments.

I’ve simmered over your collective advice and, with a small tweak in light of Jules’ most recent post, come up with this.

I hope you approve and thanks again.

Happy New Year to one and all.

L
by 1lankest
Fri Dec 21, 2018 12:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Jerry Can (Revision 2)
Replies: 17
Views: 806

Re: Jerry Can (revised)

Thanks Mac. Any opinion on the revised content? For me it works better under the new format.

L
by 1lankest
Thu Dec 20, 2018 9:07 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Homecoming
Replies: 4
Views: 416

Re: Homecoming

The implication being the homecoming isn’t about to happen, that N is far from home or even homeless?

More needed, I think, NOT.

Luke
by 1lankest
Thu Dec 20, 2018 9:06 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Taking flight
Replies: 7
Views: 503

Re: Taking flight

Yes that helps, Richard. The only thing I don’t fully grasp is the hat - it is clearly a significant motif but I’m not sure where it fits.

Luke
by 1lankest
Thu Dec 20, 2018 9:00 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Jerry Can (Revision 2)
Replies: 17
Views: 806

Re: Jerry Can (revised)

Thanks all. Mac, Perry, Not, James, Quite rough this one, you’re right James. I disagree it lacks irony, Perry. The poem is in the contrast between father and son, the generations shaped by war and peace, and ultimately the continuities that time and rust cannot hide. Not, excellent suggestions, tha...
by 1lankest
Wed Dec 19, 2018 12:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Taking flight
Replies: 7
Views: 503

Re: Taking flight

First impression: excellent.

Proof that something sad can be uplifting (must learn lesson!).

The only bit I’m not sure about is, ironically, um um um. Not sure what it refers to and it just doesn’t sound right.

Everything else forms a poignant, original poem you should be proud of.

L
by 1lankest
Wed Dec 19, 2018 12:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Jerry Can (Revision 2)
Replies: 17
Views: 806

Jerry Can (Revision 2)

Revision 2 It could have been my grandfather sometime in the 50’s who last clutched the handle and carried through the yard a final glug of diesel for the motorcar, then tossed it to the woods. Half a century swamped in bracken, bog, breeding the russet coarseness of its kind; it reminds me of my fa...
by 1lankest
Wed Dec 19, 2018 11:55 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: hills
Replies: 9
Views: 949

Re: hills

For me stanza two is the poem.

It’s more palpable, alive. S1 is commentary.

I would develop s2 and ditch the first bit but I know others disagree.

L
by 1lankest
Wed Dec 19, 2018 11:53 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Running on the Spectrum (revision 2)
Replies: 12
Views: 544

Re: Running on the Spectrum (revision)

Nice idea. Some good writing too. For me it’s too narrative heavy - this happens then this then this. There isn’t much in the way of atmosphere and thus the reader (this one at any rate!) struggles to unearth any pathos/empathy. Given the subject one should ‘feel’ more - I was left feeling mildly en...
by 1lankest
Wed Dec 19, 2018 11:48 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Freya (revised)
Replies: 10
Views: 640

Re: Freya (revised)

Thanks Jules, Mac , James. Appreciate the read - not a sunny one this, as Max says, but it’s hard to render something so tragic as a couples inability to conceive a child in a merry manner. Perhaps the poem’s real shortcoming is, as James says, its lack of development. Interesting read Jules, you do...