Search found 1518 matches

by 1lankest
Sun Apr 14, 2019 12:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The parishioners’ trail (tweaked)
Replies: 10
Views: 310

Re: The parishioners’ trail (tweaked)

Altered the ending ever so slightly, too.

Luke
by 1lankest
Sun Apr 14, 2019 12:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The parishioners’ trail (tweaked)
Replies: 10
Views: 310

Re: The parishioners’ trail

Thanks Jules, NOT. Tempted to leave this is it is, despite some good suggestions. I have reorganised s1 in line with Perry’s canny tweaking. Ta all.

Luke
by 1lankest
Sat Apr 13, 2019 9:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Tipping Point
Replies: 14
Views: 586

Re: Tipping Point

This is great; In the raven's eye expect no sympathy. Hunger rules, the heart spectates. The mind spins; wakes useless before the venom of the sun. This doesn’t need to be exclusively about the GBR - it’s about ecological disbiosis in general. But I agree, perhaps it’s too generic to be compelling e...
by 1lankest
Sat Apr 13, 2019 8:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Scan
Replies: 3
Views: 108

Scan

For now we’re cocooned in machine light, fresh dew. Suspended over water, chasm- deep. Pitch, turn, white air. Wingbeat, lift and dive through eucalyptus shadow where nothing is wasted but drawn into us: blossom, eagle-echo, particles of dust a shaft of light sets-off giving form to the infinite wit...
by 1lankest
Sat Apr 13, 2019 8:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eva's Birds [revision 7] (minor nudges)
Replies: 49
Views: 1610

Re: Eva's Birds [revision 7] (the ever-morphing poem)

Really liking this, Jj. Do you need the second ‘his’ in S1. Also I don’t like the isolated pronoun ‘his’ at the end of line one.

Luke
by 1lankest
Sat Apr 13, 2019 8:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Tenant
Replies: 14
Views: 445

Re: The Tenant

I didn’t say it left me cold, Perry. Quite the opposite. I just think a thinning out would warm the sentimental cockles more directly. There’s just so much here that simply describes, albeit effectively, the situation. Does it transform it into something memorable, of the imagination? No. Not for me...
by 1lankest
Sat Apr 13, 2019 8:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nature of Art
Replies: 9
Views: 187

Re: The Nature of Art

Do you need ‘bloom’? It makes the whole line clumsy to read and it isn’t necessary in my view.

Enjoyed.

Luke
by 1lankest
Sat Apr 13, 2019 8:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Up Next: (new version)
Replies: 23
Views: 232

Re: Up Next:

Really enjoyed this. Mac makes a good point about changing trajectory to a ballet term - pirouette is perhaps too obvious. Do you need ‘dim’? middle age says it all, sadly. Something more dynamic than ‘watches’, perhaps? You won’t believe this but I find myself wanting more after reading this - but ...
by 1lankest
Mon Apr 01, 2019 12:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Tenant
Replies: 14
Views: 445

Re: The Tenant

I agree with the others, especially David who characterised the poem perfectly - a bimble around Perry’s soul. For me stanza 1 is the best and could stand alone nicely, perhaps dropping the first two lines which are unnecessary given the title. Not your style, I know, so leave it as it is. Enjoyed! ...
by 1lankest
Mon Apr 01, 2019 12:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The parishioners’ trail (tweaked)
Replies: 10
Views: 310

Re: The parishioners’ trail

David, I see what you mean about the ending but I liked the idea that the trees were somehow the resurrected souls of the pious dead. Perhaps there’s a more striking way of saying it, however. Will ponder more.

Luke
by 1lankest
Mon Apr 01, 2019 12:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The parishioners’ trail (tweaked)
Replies: 10
Views: 310

Re: The parishioners’ trail

Thanks all. Not, ta. Not quite sure what you mean by “Look closely at’ never gets resolved, to me it has an unfinished feel.” This is the explanation: ...willowy ghosts of the weekly pilgrimage through fields, dutiful, obedient in hope of resurrection and renewal. David, thanks. Really glad you appr...
by 1lankest
Sun Mar 24, 2019 11:56 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: RIFF ME A ROSE (V11)
Replies: 29
Views: 915

Re: My Big Patriarchal Poem (was O Rose) V8

Hi Jules,
I’m basically with Mac on this. Bits I like. It’s an ambitious and good idea. I just don’t think it works as a coherent piece. It’s a slight struggle to get through it if I’m honest...

Luke
by 1lankest
Sun Mar 24, 2019 11:53 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Milia (revision)
Replies: 11
Views: 339

Re: Milia (revision)

Thanks Tristan, Honour, really helpful. Thanks for returning, Tristan. Glad you’re approve. I agree it would be better to imply deficiency but in some sense that’s already been done with the references to booze and diet etc.

Luke
by 1lankest
Sat Mar 23, 2019 3:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The parishioners’ trail (tweaked)
Replies: 10
Views: 310

The parishioners’ trail (tweaked)

V2 The path to St Denys’ is lined with saplings boxed in post and wire. They appeared one day in January, rootstock and scion grafted on fringes of this ancient way, abandoned by villagers along with their Anglicanism to sink into pasture, fade. Now it’s spring they’re taking form: branches, buds, t...
by 1lankest
Thu Mar 21, 2019 4:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Grooming
Replies: 11
Views: 373

Re: Grooming

I just think this tale is packed with resentment, despair and anger, yet I don’t feel any of those things myself when I read it. That’s a problem for me. I’m just not sure the regular, almost jocular metre and semi regular rhyme scheme is fit for purpose with this one. Surely the narrator is confuse...
by 1lankest
Thu Mar 21, 2019 4:34 pm
Forum: Current Features
Topic: Birch Polypore (revised)
Replies: 33
Views: 1916

Re: Birch Polypore (revised)

Thanks David. Really chuffed. And thanks Mac for the nomination and to everyone for their helpful comments.

Luke
by 1lankest
Thu Mar 21, 2019 4:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Grooming
Replies: 11
Views: 373

Re: Grooming

Not quite as taken with this one as the others, Ray, but I’m not sure why not. Perhaps it’s the big hit of abstractions in s1 - hope and distaste, followed by the qualifying ‘feelings’. It might be the line ending rhymes and half rhymes that I usually like so much in your writing that jar here. I’m ...
by 1lankest
Thu Mar 21, 2019 3:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Milia (revision)
Replies: 11
Views: 339

Re: Milia (revision)

Ha! yes, it should. And yes, although the Milia are on the mother’s side - coincidentally or otherwise - but I thought since Lankester is the poet’s name it would make that clearer.

Cheers,

Luke
by 1lankest
Wed Mar 20, 2019 6:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: On Gleneedle Road
Replies: 16
Views: 437

Re: On Gleneedle Road

Great. A snap shot, and an instantly recognisable one. Which I was near that river. Here: pasture, sheep. Yawn.
I’d be tempted to leave a line after looking back and drop the comma.
Luke
by 1lankest
Wed Mar 20, 2019 6:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Milia (revision)
Replies: 11
Views: 339

Re: Milia

Thanks all, very helpful. Revision up which, I think, answers most (all?) of your questions.

Luke
by 1lankest
Mon Mar 18, 2019 2:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Milia (revision)
Replies: 11
Views: 339

Milia (revision)

Revision They’re in the diet - mother speculates - the blood. These satellites of the eyes, milk-moons in miniature. Too little calcium. Too much booze. They helix in sallow rings, populate pools of skin swollen from sleep. But they’re ours, she says, needling a juicy one from its cell on the lid’s ...
by 1lankest
Mon Mar 18, 2019 2:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Mourning Coffee
Replies: 9
Views: 285

Re: Mourning Coffee

Sologamy is a new one! Like it...

Enjoyed this. Not sure if the pun on mourning is a little much? Slightly cheap, perhaps.

Luke
by 1lankest
Sun Mar 17, 2019 6:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Nominate features!
Replies: 90
Views: 37077

Re: Nominate features!

What an honour. Thanks both!
by 1lankest
Fri Mar 15, 2019 9:42 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Idealism (was Beneficent (v3))
Replies: 16
Views: 366

Re: Idealism (was Beneficent (v3))

Thanks James. Non plussed indeed! This one’s died a death for me, unfortunately, as it meant a lot as I was writing it. The highs and lows of workshopping. For what it’s worth I think you’re right about everything, especially the lists. I need to stop doing that. One for the recycling bin, landfill ...
by 1lankest
Thu Mar 14, 2019 6:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Idealism (was Beneficent (v3))
Replies: 16
Views: 366

Re: Beneficent (revised)

Thanks James, good idea. I get where you’re coming from but I’ll stick to my guns on this one. Revision up.

L