Search found 994 matches

by thoke
Thu Jun 18, 2015 12:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Revised & renamed: Change Your Living in Liverpool (66/101*)
Replies: 6
Views: 584

Re: Revised & renamed: Change Your Living in Liverpool (66/1

I've revised this having sat on it for however many years. Not sure I've improved it at all, having not changed it very significantly. But I'm going back and reviewing some of my old stuff that I wrote quickly and forgot about.

Ben
by thoke
Mon Jun 01, 2015 10:04 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Dictatorship of the Precariat [rewritten again]
Replies: 5
Views: 488

Re: The Dictatorship of the Precariat [rewritten again]

Thanks, David. I agree with you about the last line. I need an ending though. The title is a modification of 'the dictatorship of the proletariat' which is a Marxist phrase. But I'm definitely going for a certain aesthetic with the title, and only deciding what it means after having written it. Whet...
by thoke
Fri May 29, 2015 11:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Dictatorship of the Precariat [rewritten again]
Replies: 5
Views: 488

Re: The Dictatorship of the Precariat [rewritten again]

Thanks ray, I've given it a trim, let me know if it's an improvement.

Ben
by thoke
Thu May 28, 2015 11:20 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Dictatorship of the Precariat [rewritten again]
Replies: 5
Views: 488

Re: The Dictatorship of the Precariat [rewritten]

I've reworked this by sort of injecting it with crazed optimism. But it still has a miserable beginning.

Ben
by thoke
Wed May 27, 2015 5:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Dictatorship of the Precariat [rewritten again]
Replies: 5
Views: 488

The Dictatorship of the Precariat [rewritten again]

There will be no swift release; the world around you is very ill. You will never be trusted with anything again. Work was that thing you were told to finish yesterday; You will be issued with a fine to appease the committee. The world is the rock beneath which you are trapped. You have already been ...
by thoke
Wed May 27, 2015 5:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Relay
Replies: 4
Views: 457

Re: Relay

I agree with the above, including the suggested revisions.

In fact, revised as Mac suggests, I really like this and can't think of any improvements. I guess deleting a word when it isn't needed is a pretty good idea.

Ben
by thoke
Wed May 27, 2015 5:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Products of a Consumer Society
Replies: 12
Views: 786

Re: Products of a Consumer Society

The rhyme scheme is mostly a success. By the time you get to "And yet the borders grew thick as a prison," things are sounding great. But the next line is weaker I think. "poor and poorly" just seems a bit to easy. I think the two-headed thing is a bit obvious; everyone's been going on about 'shy to...
by thoke
Tue May 26, 2015 2:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Twenty Fifteen
Replies: 0
Views: 904

Twenty Fifteen

Now that we are connected, We feed on strange fruit, Stuck in feedback loops, Free to serve ourselves, absurdly Out of touch with our own bodies. By 20:15 the day is done. By 20:20 times are good For the King and his men, But the waters are stagnant Once again. Scrape your living onto bread. Best of...
by thoke
Tue May 26, 2015 10:07 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Turn-of-the-year-melodies
Replies: 4
Views: 368

Re: Turn-of-the-year-melodies

On a first read, I'm not quite sure what's going on but I'm enjoying it quite a bit. Very musical. Having googled a couple of things, I'm still a bit lost... pretty sure I'm missing something. But I still like the rhythm and rhymes and can't see what to change apart from making the meaning a bit cle...
by thoke
Tue May 26, 2015 10:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Not now
Replies: 11
Views: 778

Re: Not now

I think this is a good idea for a poem and I like the examples you choose of wishing it wasn't now, especially the first one; I know the experience of feeling every step and every bit of pavement as you wish you'd already arrived wherever you're going. But I'm not keen on the way it's written. "Hard...
by thoke
Thu May 21, 2015 4:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Things That Be Of Men [completely rewritten again]
Replies: 11
Views: 490

Re: Things That Be Of Men [completely rewritten again]

Ah well. Your feedback is potentially useful and appreciated.

Ben
by thoke
Thu May 21, 2015 3:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Things That Be Of Men [completely rewritten again]
Replies: 11
Views: 490

Re: Things That Be Of Men [completely rewritten again]

Okay I've tried to harvest my latest three poems (which cover similar themes), at least two of which have been poorly received, and produce something that might be a bit better. It's basically a new poem, but I want to keep the title.

Ben
by thoke
Thu May 21, 2015 10:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Vote Conservative!
Replies: 11
Views: 553

Re: Vote Conservative!

The country has headed down the wrong path for decades by embracing market fundamentalism. The conservative party is functioning very will within its own parameters: it is successfully dismantling the state by selling off our public services and allowing the rich to get richer at the poor's expense..
by thoke
Thu May 21, 2015 9:24 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: progress and regression
Replies: 11
Views: 526

Re: progress and regression

Okay, well that didn't come through in the poem.

Ben
by thoke
Thu May 21, 2015 9:23 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Vote Conservative!
Replies: 11
Views: 553

Re: Vote Conservative!

perhaps you could be more specific then, because at no point in the poem did i infer the issue of physical illness. it seemed more like a lab or coalition voter complaining about the election. You misunderstand me. The poem is indeed a lab voter complaining about the election. Your complaint seems ...
by thoke
Thu May 21, 2015 9:21 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Vote Conservative!
Replies: 11
Views: 553

Re: Vote Conservative!

this is a Poetry workshop.
Whoops, I thought it was a leather bar. I'll go home and change.
One cannot be "drenched in the sweat of prison,"
Indeed, and thank god for that!

Ben
by thoke
Thu May 21, 2015 9:11 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: progress and regression
Replies: 11
Views: 526

Re: progress and regression

I'm neither right wing nor a Christian. I also haven't attempted to define 'christianity'. What I was trying to say is that, beyond their obviousness hatefulness, the big problem with the Christian Right is this: they worship someone who is supposed to have said that the meek shall inherit the earth...
by thoke
Thu May 21, 2015 9:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Vote Conservative!
Replies: 11
Views: 553

Re: Vote Conservative!

What hyperbole? The poem is about what is wrong with the UK. Not about the UK being a worse place to live than elsewhere. If I have a cancereous tumor and am given a year to live, the fact that you have two tumors and have only 6 months to live is of no comfort to me whatsoever.
by thoke
Thu May 21, 2015 5:46 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Vote Conservative!
Replies: 11
Views: 553

Re: Vote Conservative!

What's your point/question?

Ben
by thoke
Wed May 20, 2015 7:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Vote Conservative!
Replies: 11
Views: 553

Vote Conservative!

Drenched in the sweat of prison, your monthly income nothing, old feelings return in drugs and criminality: come be where nobody moves in mildewed rooms, incapable of work, obese with piss and vinegar; get fired and beaten and bent, nagged constantly by disintegrating elderly parents. ----- [Guess w...
by thoke
Wed May 20, 2015 7:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: How They Explain It
Replies: 14
Views: 905

Re: How They Explain It

A bit obscure but I think I more or less get it. A cynical take on reproduction: a kind of suicide committed by a few obstinate sperm cells. Is that right? If that is the idea, I think it's a very good idea. But I found it difficult to read. Not sure what should be done about that... Maybe some swea...
by thoke
Wed May 20, 2015 7:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Unstrung ( was Awkward Waste) / edit
Replies: 9
Views: 594

Re: Awkward Waste

Great first two stanzas, really captures the sort of impotence you might feel at snapping a guitar string while you strum away at home. The stuff about recycling is true but not particularly interesting, I think. Perhaps don't abandon it though; maybe find a way to really draw out the absurdity of t...
by thoke
Tue May 19, 2015 10:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Things That Be Of Men [completely rewritten again]
Replies: 11
Views: 490

Re: Things That Be Of Men [rewritten and further edited]

Thanks for the further feedback.

To answer one of your questions: the poem is (partly) about neoliberal economics, which I have referred to as 'astrology' because it might as well be.

Ben
by thoke
Tue May 19, 2015 7:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Wonderful Things He Does [new version]
Replies: 4
Views: 457

Re: The Wonderful Things He Does [new version]

I've tweaked the pronouns and extended the ending to try to create context for the fountain. I'm also thinking of extending the east wing and possibly building a greenhouse. Let me know what you think.

Ben
by thoke
Tue May 19, 2015 3:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Things That Be Of Men [completely rewritten again]
Replies: 11
Views: 490

Re: Things That Be Of Men [rewritten and further edited]

Changed it a bit further after letting it sit for a whie.

Ben