Search found 161 matches

by TonyMac
Wed Jan 04, 2017 3:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Vincent (Edited)
Replies: 5
Views: 376

Re: Vincent

Thank you all for reading and the useful critique. I have made an edited version bearing in mind your comments and using many of your suggestions.
I am a bit bemused myself about how I wrote a final couplet with both lines using the same word and didn't notice it :)
by TonyMac
Mon Jan 02, 2017 11:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Vincent (Edited)
Replies: 5
Views: 376

Vincent (Edited)

Vincent (Edited) It seems you saw the world in different shades; brighter flowers seen in darker mud. Your sunflower yellows brighter than God made and poppies redder than the freshest blood. You saw in night more than the eye should see; against the black of velvet sky a sight, a vision that procl...
by TonyMac
Thu Dec 29, 2016 10:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Continuity
Replies: 3
Views: 317

Re: Continuity

Nicely done, especially the second half. I'd perhaps dispute that time in the womb is peaceful - there's a lot of growing going on, noises from outside are heard inside. The reference to the journey to the tomb is perhaps rather well-worn. Ros Thank you Ros for your encouraging remarks. The idea of...
by TonyMac
Thu Dec 29, 2016 10:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Making Bread
Replies: 7
Views: 502

Re: Baking Bread

Symmetry of lines and colors of the bespoke kitchen fitted and finished. Soon its a play-school mess of daub and excreta of dough. My hands have become like a monsters knobbly and puffy just like my grandmothers, whose hands were riddled with rheumatoid athritis. I used to hold her hands- the paper...
by TonyMac
Wed Dec 28, 2016 8:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Continuity
Replies: 3
Views: 317

Continuity

Continuity Now rest awhile within your mother's womb. Accept this time of peace gifted to you before you start your journey to the tomb taking that road as each of us must do. It won't be long before you gasp for air and know the world is where all young must strive. And we'll provide for we are we...
by TonyMac
Thu Dec 22, 2016 10:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Letter to Georgie - Rev II (Was entitled "What if..?")
Replies: 17
Views: 826

Re: A Letter to Georgie - Rev II (Was entitled "What if..?")

I'm wondering if "Barmoral" should be "Balmoral".
An interesting peek into Royal shenanigans. I must come back for a slower, deeper read :)
by TonyMac
Thu Dec 22, 2016 10:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: When I am Old (2nd revision of "When I am an Old Man")
Replies: 13
Views: 1876

Re: When I am Old (2nd revision of "When I am an Old Man")

Thanks for your kind thoughts Luce :)
I like to think that if I ever have a tombstone then on it could be inscribed "Here lies a man who lived" :D
But it's more likely that I'll be cremated and the ashes dropped in the dustbin ;)
by TonyMac
Thu Dec 22, 2016 10:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Words of a Travelling Man
Replies: 4
Views: 382

Words of a Travelling Man

Words of a Travelling Man So many roads have felt my anxious tread as I have made my journey through these lands; wending my way through paths unknown that led into a world of ever shifting sands. Adventure true, but not completely lost among the labyrinth of written word that formed a desert that ...
by TonyMac
Tue Dec 06, 2016 10:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: When I am Old (2nd revision of "When I am an Old Man")
Replies: 13
Views: 1876

Re: When I am an Old Man

Now that's a poem. Nicely tightened and an improvement on rev 1. I wonder if you'd mind adding the revision in the title IE When I am an Old Man (Rev2) to let me and others know you've revised this piece. I can see you've done that in the poem's thread but I have to open the poem to realise you've ...
by TonyMac
Tue Dec 06, 2016 8:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Narrow Squeak
Replies: 14
Views: 980

Re: A Narrow Squeak

Very effectively told. Hospitals do sometimes make mistakes and so although fictitious, the reader can believe it is real.
The only suggestion I would make is that I would change the first word in L6 from "their" TO "his" as the end of the poem makes clear that the person is male.
by TonyMac
Tue Dec 06, 2016 8:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: When I am Old (2nd revision of "When I am an Old Man")
Replies: 13
Views: 1876

Re: When I am an Old Man

Thank you both. I have tried to follow the advice you give - particularly about more descriptive lines in this second edit. This really just started as a fun piece after talking to my daughter about the poem "When I am old I shall wear purple" by Jenny Joseph. She laughed when I said I should put so...
by TonyMac
Mon Dec 05, 2016 3:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: When I am Old (2nd revision of "When I am an Old Man")
Replies: 13
Views: 1876

Re: When I am an Old Man

Thank you all for your interesting and thoughtful comments. I have used most of them as I have rewritten the poem. I hope it makes you smile :)
by TonyMac
Thu Dec 01, 2016 6:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: When I am Old (2nd revision of "When I am an Old Man")
Replies: 13
Views: 1876

When I am Old (2nd revision of "When I am an Old Man")

When I am Old (2nd edit) When I am old I shall sit back, rosy with red wine, and dream of girls that sing and dance in basques, suspenders, and patterned sheer black stockings adorning flexing thighs. I shall reach for pen and paper and, warmed by the glow of flickering firelight, I shall record me...
by TonyMac
Tue Nov 29, 2016 7:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Alone in the City (Edited version of "Sailors Night Out")
Replies: 6
Views: 455

Re: Sailor's Night Out

Thank you both. I have noted the comments and have to agree with the points you made. I have done quite a severe edit especially the nature of the ending and its resulting change of title.
I hope it works for you, but in any case I am grateful for the feedback,
regards, Tony
by TonyMac
Tue Nov 29, 2016 12:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Alone in the City (Edited version of "Sailors Night Out")
Replies: 6
Views: 455

Re: Sailor's Night Out

ray miller wrote:Enjoyed most of it, but you need to do something about the last two verses - three "you knows" in six lines!
Thanks Ray, you are quite right. I think I was concentrating on the rhythm, rhyming and story line and let this one slip by. I shall have to rethink those last two verses,
Tony.
by TonyMac
Mon Nov 28, 2016 10:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Alone in the City (Edited version of "Sailors Night Out")
Replies: 6
Views: 455

Re: Sailor's Night Out

Lou wrote:Great! The rhythm of 'The Little Yellow Idol' has inspired a fun piece which is not without its moments of sadness. Very entertaining!

Best,
Lou
Thanks Lou. I wondered how long it would be before someone realised the "Yellow idol" link :D
by TonyMac
Mon Nov 28, 2016 4:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Wakefulness
Replies: 19
Views: 1449

Re: Wakefulness

One feature that I like is the use of alliteration. Perhaps the moonlight might creep across the carpet, although I can see you might not like it so near "crawl".?
by TonyMac
Mon Nov 28, 2016 4:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hallelujah
Replies: 16
Views: 911

Re: Hallelujah

I've read this a few times, Tony, and I must say I found it quite moving. I'm very familiar with LC's song and have always liked it. My wife thinks it's depressing in tone and content, so it really does take all sorts. The indoctrination and subsequent doubts seem to be a part of everyday life. Get...
by TonyMac
Mon Nov 28, 2016 3:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Alone in the City (Edited version of "Sailors Night Out")
Replies: 6
Views: 455

Alone in the City (Edited version of "Sailors Night Out")

Alone in the City (Edited version of "Sailor's Night Out") There's a seedy little night club on a road off Soho Square where dim lit lights attempt to pierce the gloom, and on a sweating pavement stand some lonely men who stare at pictures that portray an inner room. Inside to sound of music is a g...
by TonyMac
Sat Nov 26, 2016 10:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Old Bricks
Replies: 14
Views: 827

Re: Brick

I like the idea of tracing back in time - rather like family research. The revision works well for me. I would only suggest you need an apostrophe in the penultimate line. revision 1 There's nothing more sad than a pile of bricks that no-one has use for- each one, hard edged, with its own mortar-stu...
by TonyMac
Sat Nov 26, 2016 10:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hallelujah
Replies: 16
Views: 911

Re: Hallelujah

Hi Tony, I am familiar with the song but have never listened to the words through and so was able to read your tale with some amount of objectivity, even though I hummed the tune as I read. I like the tone you set with the story, and the doubt expressed puts a voice to a feeling that is not uncommo...
by TonyMac
Fri Nov 25, 2016 8:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Time and money are irrelevant
Replies: 32
Views: 1670

Re: Time and money is Irrelevant

You would have bankrupted your pension company and possibly the NHS all by yourself.
I'm doing a pretty good job as I retired early with health problems 23 years ago :D
This is one of those short poems that gets people thinking and I like that.
by TonyMac
Fri Nov 25, 2016 8:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hallelujah
Replies: 16
Views: 911

Re: Hallelujah

Thank you David, I think I know what you mean although "Not as bad as expected" sounds rather like a comment from a surprised pessimist :D Joking aside, I am grateful for your interest and your comment :) Yes, sorry about that, Tony, it probably came out more insulting than I'd intended. I simply m...
by TonyMac
Wed Nov 23, 2016 3:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Rainy Days (3rd Edit )
Replies: 9
Views: 629

Re: Rainy Days (2nd Edit )

Conveys the picture and mood of a wet day very well. I would like to make a few minor comments. The internal rhyme in the first line creates an impression that there will be more to come, but the fact there isn't left me disappointed. I wouldn't want cats making there way to any car just after the s...
by TonyMac
Wed Nov 23, 2016 11:00 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hallelujah
Replies: 16
Views: 911

Re: Hallelujah

Thank you Luce for thinking about the poem and taking time to comment. I'm just pleased, and a little surprised, that it has raised as much interest :)