Search found 1179 matches

by Jackie
Fri Oct 23, 2020 9:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: January 4th
Replies: 4
Views: 369

Re: January 4th

Thank you Mac, Ray and T,

It looks like this needs some work. I'll be back!

Jackie
by Jackie
Wed Oct 21, 2020 8:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Love or Gas
Replies: 8
Views: 413

Re: Love or Gas

Perry, To me, the hardest thing in the world to do is to write when I'm low! If you can do that, maybe it's a good time to build up a group of early drafts and feedback to work on later. I also see many elements of a good poem here. A line of yours that I really like is I have, after all, started wr...
by Jackie
Wed Oct 21, 2020 7:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Cycles
Replies: 6
Views: 604

Re: Cycles

Trevor, For whatever reason I fastened on a lump (of clothes) growing increasingly hard under her arm (S1), and equating loss of the clothes to a burial (S5). You seem to continue the idea that the clothes and she are one as she feels massaged in S2. I like S4 a lot. S5 leaves me with a lot of quest...
by Jackie
Wed Oct 21, 2020 2:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: January 4th
Replies: 4
Views: 369

January 4th

He meets the scene visit of our Christmas burglary outside. Our former yardmen dismount and fall at his feet. “Tears can't apply,” he says like they aren’t men anymore. Amadu in his undershirt and neat, neat Sie dressed in screeching dirt. Like ghosts they trace what stood that night in each now dus...
by Jackie
Mon Oct 19, 2020 1:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Seasonal Adjustment
Replies: 7
Views: 376

Re: Seasonal Adjustment

Hi Eira, I enjoy so much of the imagery in this poem, but I stumble on the grammar. In S1, are the swallows curling? If it is the reeds that are curling, then surely in the next sentence, it is the reeds that are congregating? If it is the birds, then they congregate, swing, and flock, don't they? W...
by Jackie
Sat Oct 03, 2020 4:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Maple
Replies: 7
Views: 1295

Re: Maple

Thank you Mac, Not, Trevor and Ray for giving me so many aspects to work on. I actually used "veil" as a synonym for shroud, without thinking of it in connection to a wedding, but I like the drama that brings. I need to work on this.

I thought you'd like to see what inspired it:
Maple tree.jpeg
Maple tree.jpeg (416.73 KiB) Viewed 1109 times
by Jackie
Wed Sep 30, 2020 3:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Maple
Replies: 7
Views: 1295

Maple

She wore her shroud for me
that last day we had together,
and with the slightest of shrugs
the burnt-orange wrap drifted,
barely touching her bareness,
on down upon me.
Through the winter it was her body
I recalled, not the trembling
orange veil fallen at her feet.
by Jackie
Sat Sep 19, 2020 12:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Not Being Here
Replies: 3
Views: 1043

Not Being Here

The car ahead turns right on red. She moves into place, checks nails, combs fingers through hair. Crouch. Watch. Crouch-leap sideways. Again. She’s off! She stole second! On down the road still tingling she’ll be tagged she recites It’s allowed, turning right on red; allowed now . Like Mom’s certifi...
by Jackie
Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Voice in the Light
Replies: 3
Views: 2129

Re: A Voice in the Light

I enjoyed reading this, Namyh. One thing about writing traditionally though, is that it doesn't leave you any leeway to play around with metrics and rhyme patterns. You look here like you're finding that too confining. Are you sure you don't want to venture into contemporary poetry?

Jackie
by Jackie
Sun Aug 02, 2020 7:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Questions
Replies: 9
Views: 1493

Re: Questions

I like the sense of stream of consciousness, its liquidity, Thanks, Mac. Hearing from others that something I've written has "an original slant" or "liquidity" encourages me. I usually like to collect comments and swish them around in my mouth for a while to see if they're my voice before doing any...
by Jackie
Sun Aug 02, 2020 7:26 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Questions
Replies: 9
Views: 1493

Re: Questions

Thank you so much Tristan, Not and Mac for your thoughtful ideas.

Mac, the number of times I've heard "I prefer the original" has convinced me I'm a lousy reviser. Nonetheless, I revise. :D See above.

Jackie
by Jackie
Tue Jul 28, 2020 5:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: From A Hypnotherapist's Case File (revision)
Replies: 6
Views: 1112

Re: From A Hypnotherapist's Case File

Hi Mac, This is not literal, more a weighing of N.'s 'humanity' So these are the narratives of one hypnotized person; not three as I was thinking. A person who haunts Parisian streets but identifies with/participated in past events where bodies are dismembered to re-purpose each part; in 13th centur...
by Jackie
Sun Jul 26, 2020 5:30 pm
Forum: Post Visual Art
Topic: Sidewalks & Mermaids
Replies: 3
Views: 2349

Re: Sidewalks & Mermaids

Let's see, Lotus. Sidewalks are inanimate and enclosing—they define where you can be. The ashtray (I'm calling it) is these things. Mermaids are alive, sensual, enticing, and the ripe tomato is these things. Yet their textures and colors and surfaces and shapes show even the inanimate and the alive ...
by Jackie
Wed Jul 22, 2020 4:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Questions
Replies: 9
Views: 1493

Re: Questions

Thank you, Not and Tristan, for taking the time to review this and picking up on those things I didn’t see. I’m posting a version 2—still a work in progress. As you say, Tristan, I’m suspending conventions; this poem takes place in survival mode and caps and commas don’t live there. I appreciate you...
by Jackie
Tue Jul 21, 2020 11:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: The Gun and The Heart - La Pistola y el Corazón
Replies: 11
Views: 3042

Re: The Gun and The Heart - La Pistola y el Corazón

Amadis, may I make some translation suggestions? I don’t know how to tell you I don’t know how to explain to you There is no cure For how I feel For how I feel The moon tells me do one thing The stars tell me to do another And the light of day sings to me This sad song This sad song Those kisses you...
by Jackie
Tue Jul 21, 2020 1:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Uncertain Form In The Morning
Replies: 3
Views: 910

Re: Uncertain Form In The Morning

Amadis,

Why don't you edit your first post by placing this new version on top of it, and calling the original poem, version 1. That way, we can all see from the list that you have posted something new.

Jackie
by Jackie
Mon Jul 20, 2020 12:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Questions
Replies: 9
Views: 1493

Questions

Version 3 cashiers have stopped asking did you find everything all right ghost crowds down these aisles slaked their panic with paper buying skilled workers from abroad can’t get here to bring the harvest in new brands on the gap shelves sign me to want them instead isolated by the evening light I w...
by Jackie
Sun Jul 19, 2020 6:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The End to Slavery
Replies: 3
Views: 1401

Re: The End to Slavery

Poet, I hear your voice and your passion clearly in this piece. So right! The problem is horrific, pervasive, and systemic. As a poem, though, right from the title, it may have bitten off more than it can chew. How can you narrow the topic to make it more powerful? Can you focus on a single image fr...
by Jackie
Sun Jul 19, 2020 5:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Childish
Replies: 10
Views: 1550

Re: NC

Not,

I enjoyed your conversion of nursery rhymes to taunts, but so far as political commentary goes, I try to keep to my own side of the pond.

Jackie
by Jackie
Sun Jul 19, 2020 5:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Uncertain Form In The Morning
Replies: 3
Views: 910

Re: Uncertain Form In The Morning

Amadis, This poem propels me into the scene and I keep wanting to like it but can't quite get there because the images don't work for me. For example, how can haze be brutal sunshine? And how can haze have consequences? I try starting the poem with S2 which reads beautifully, assuming by "ken" you m...
by Jackie
Sun Jul 19, 2020 5:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Cliche Tennis with Brian Adams
Replies: 2
Views: 725

Re: Cliche Tennis with Brian Adams

Amadis,

When this is read aloud, the ball is hit at regular intervals so there seem to be no misses, and I recognize the names of some of the songs, but I don't follow Bryan Adams so I think I'm missing a lot here.

Thanks for posting,
Jackie
by Jackie
Sat Jul 11, 2020 1:38 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: On Impressive Glass Doorways
Replies: 3
Views: 1136

Re: On Impressive Glass Doorways

Thank you, Amadis, this helps. I can see how the ending comes as a surprise.

Jackie
by Jackie
Sat May 16, 2020 5:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Baby Steps
Replies: 8
Views: 442

Re: Baby Steps

Hi Trevor As I understand it, N at first feels resentful that this child is verging on walking when N no longer can/now cannot, but later finds enlightenment or release in this…what? Spiritual connection? As you say, you could write only about the child, but this too is a very engaging topic. To me,...
by Jackie
Mon May 11, 2020 11:34 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Spring in the Hollow
Replies: 7
Views: 911

Re: Spring in the Hollow

Suzanne, this has the gentle feel of Roberta Flack singing, "Jesse, Come Home." Would you consider dropping the first two lines and starting the poem with the third line? I stumble on by describing the vessel rather than pointing out its lack of content. . How about shortening it to "by describing t...
by Jackie
Tue May 05, 2020 9:59 pm
Forum: Post Visual Art
Topic: The Durdle Door (revised)
Replies: 11
Views: 4093

Re: The Durdle Door (revised)

JJ, to me there is a huge difference in the overall impression between the original and revised version. The original seemed like a controlled child's book illustration, framed, enclosed. The second is wide open, and the door with the detail of people becomes a secret revelation on the edge of a mas...