Search found 1123 matches

by Jackie
Sun May 19, 2019 7:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: untitled senryu
Replies: 4
Views: 74

Re: untitled senryu

Eira, I haven't tried it, but the situational irony in your topic seems perfect for this form. I think it's usual for a senryu to contain seventeen syllables, isn't it? Could you be going overboard with the conciseness? The last word to me constitutes a summary; how about "showing" instead of "telli...
by Jackie
Sat May 18, 2019 8:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I Want No Part of Your Layered Cake
Replies: 9
Views: 199

Re: I Want No Part of Your Layered Cake

Eira, I'm so glad you found something to enjoy in this.

David, I haven't had such a good laugh in a while.
I rather like "gleamed unctuous". You couldn't get "glaucous" in there as well, could you? I think I'd like that.
Point taken. Many thanks for your comments.

Jackie
by Jackie
Thu May 16, 2019 4:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: core structure of absence (revision)
Replies: 12
Views: 242

Re: core structure of absence

Hi Riverrun, I'm not at all sure, but you seem to be lamenting that poetry no longer refers to concrete things (has a core structure) but gets lost in abstract gestures, actions and events with no horizon in sight. Is that completely wrong? I have a problem with "When I realized I was…" I think this...
by Jackie
Thu May 16, 2019 9:53 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I Want No Part of Your Layered Cake
Replies: 9
Views: 199

Re: I Want No Part of Your Layered Cake

Thank you, Perry, I enjoyed reading your "The Salad Prayer." Unlike your salad event, though, mine was a drawn-out, downhill activity that was getting worse and worse. I think Mac's comment clinches it: "The form mirrors the breaking down of process." I was pleased that Joao called it "this little i...
by Jackie
Wed May 15, 2019 4:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I Want No Part of Your Layered Cake
Replies: 9
Views: 199

I Want No Part of Your Layered Cake

Half-way through, I knew. The recipe was wrong. The lovely matte crust in the baking pan ulcerated twice. And again. Unallowed bottom bits rose into view. Then here, there, innards took to perforating and gleamed unctuous in the yellow oven light. Unstoppable now, every pinch and teaspoon turned bub...
by Jackie
Wed May 15, 2019 3:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Homophones
Replies: 6
Views: 165

Re: Homophones

As in, you were startled to hear people who prattle sounding like your father, but surely when he said it, meaning prevailed? Perhaps "bear/deal with it."

Jackie
by Jackie
Tue May 14, 2019 5:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A royal birth
Replies: 12
Views: 205

Re: A royal birth

I very much enjoyed your word choices and the sounds and rhythm in this poem, Leaf—such as "birdsong, dog bark."

"Bluing" surprised me because I know it as a powder—a laundry product; but to come upon "greening" so quickly sets it in context.

Thanks for this lovely poem.

Jackie
by Jackie
Thu May 09, 2019 8:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Witch’s Secret
Replies: 11
Views: 180

Re: The Witch’s Secret

Hi Harbal, I enjoyed reading through this witch-in-the-woods story. You build suspense well as far as describing what you went through trying to reach your goal, or N's goal I should say. I think you could improve that tension with motive: by hinting early on at what is driving you to find the secre...
by Jackie
Tue May 07, 2019 11:30 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Losing People (A didactic poem)
Replies: 6
Views: 183

Re: Losing People (A didactic poem)

Tristan, I have a poem underway that I keep backing off of because it turns didactic on me, so I find this especially intriguing. Didacticism changes a poem's genre, doesn't it? It takes on a role. Do you have a wish for how this poem could be used? Are you looking for feedback not only on the poeti...
by Jackie
Tue May 07, 2019 4:57 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: In a Cemetery of Oak and Ash
Replies: 13
Views: 226

Re: In a Cemetery of Oak and Ash

NQS, Thank you for this. The reverence and pain are compelling. The "she" and "her", however, seem to keep her at a distance—I wonder if you tried writing it in the 2nd person? In L7, why is N abandoned? In L13, “Our smallest servants too” takes on an awkward POV. It may be just me, but I would see ...
by Jackie
Tue May 07, 2019 4:07 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: On Wanting a Chair to be a Chippendale (V2)
Replies: 12
Views: 267

Re: On Wanting a Chair to be a Chippendale (V2)

Firebird, I enjoyed your V1 a great deal because it’s so fun to read—the opening line, the concept, the rhythm, and the delightful language. They probably go over the top a bit. V2 comes in then like a drinking partner’s retort, lewd and plain, to bring you back to reality. The original V2 seems to ...
by Jackie
Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Second Hand Accounts
Replies: 18
Views: 708

Re: Second Hand Accounts

Hi Not, These feel like experiences or found poems, first hand, especially S1 of Part 2. IMO, S2 detracts because readers draw those conclusions while reading S1. To make Part 1 as pithy, would you consider losing that the table's set for them. ? The idea is repeated in the next line when they dig i...
by Jackie
Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Gypsies Nomads & Loiterers
Replies: 18
Views: 1126

Re: Gypsies Nomads & Loiterers

I enjoyed this very much, Lotus; just the right amount of allure and mystery. i’ve been pondering your suggestion and am feeling that blanket perhaps suggests covered and carpeted perhaps offers a path to travel upon I agree that carpeted seems banal—the only words I can think of that might suit you...
by Jackie
Tue Feb 05, 2019 1:16 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: New Snow
Replies: 6
Views: 576

New Snow

New Snow A final look through the dark into our yard. Our backyard neighbor’s Christmas window lights up our redbud and smoke bush. From below. From water. From a pond. Opposite our front, two porch lights (nailed tight) down on the walk elongate then leap to the street. Next door, backlighting so e...
by Jackie
Sun Nov 04, 2018 8:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Visit
Replies: 15
Views: 1426

Re: The Visit

I should have been a little nicer to Jackie.
Not to worry, Perry. I wasn't that considerate to you—sorry I didn't explain myself.

I've had the experience of trying to punch and wheedle a short story into poetry format, and thought you might be weighing the two options yourself.

Jackie
by Jackie
Sun Nov 04, 2018 11:18 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Visit
Replies: 15
Views: 1426

Re: The Visit

This is an interesting read, Perry, and the ending works beautifully.

I'm afraid I don't understand, though, why you are calling it a poem rather than a short story.

Jackie
by Jackie
Sat Nov 03, 2018 4:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Soul- cakes ( was Villanelle)
Replies: 15
Views: 1959

Re: Villanelle

Hi Tony, I love meeting poets who write villanelles! I look forward to two really dynamite repeating lines that sound better each time, along with climbing suspense. If that's not a challenge to write, I don't know what is. Your spooky setting is perfect for suspense, but I would be more drawn to yo...
by Jackie
Fri Nov 02, 2018 2:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Staying Safe
Replies: 14
Views: 2443

Re: Staying Safe

I've enjoyed reading this over and over, Suzanne, and find myself preferring parts of both versions. The power dynamic is fascinating. The title tells me that the power to initiate is in his hands, and it threatens, overwhelms you. Only he can need a fence—you seem to acknowledge that—yet he has no ...
by Jackie
Thu Nov 01, 2018 9:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Millennial's Torch Song Ver. 2
Replies: 11
Views: 1759

Re: A Millennial's Torch Song Ver. 2

The revision works much better for me than the original, Charles. The photos are coming alive. I especially like the line proofs that life has carried you away from me , I think because it’s unexpected. Perhaps you could do with more unexpected language here—I must have said “an age ago” hundreds of...
by Jackie
Fri Oct 26, 2018 9:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Third Personning (2nd revision)
Replies: 9
Views: 1146

Re: Third Personning

Jules, I take “third personning” to be the way one self-presents to a stranger. The Ns say that they pay attention not to how they look, but to what they do and say. I like the parallelism between S4 and 6. The last line confuses me. I like that it is in the present perfect, implying that the situat...
by Jackie
Fri Oct 26, 2018 8:43 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Light Verse
Replies: 15
Views: 1684

Re: Light Verse

Hi Ross,

I’m enjoying the succinctness of this (I usually wander during dream descriptions).

Maybe you’d consider these three things: a) moving the first line to the end of the poem, b) removing the comma from the ellipsis, and c) doing away with “the scene” in line 7.

Just thoughts.

Jackie
by Jackie
Fri Oct 26, 2018 8:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Man Cave
Replies: 12
Views: 1042

Re: Man Cave

Perry, thank you for explaining your intentions in writing the poem.

I do see wanting to change people's opinions about the social problems you describe, and I agree that satire is a good way to do it.

Jackie
by Jackie
Thu Oct 25, 2018 1:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Man Cave
Replies: 12
Views: 1042

Re: Man Cave

Perry, I have to admit that I had to block out the girl/boy thing to read this—having been fully wise and worldly when I married at 22! :D I especially recoiled at the use of “pull” in lines 10 & 13. I get that “woman” and “man” could weigh a poem down, but surely there are alternatives? I hope that...
by Jackie
Tue Oct 23, 2018 9:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Scrabble (revision 1)
Replies: 14
Views: 2085

Re: Scrabble (revision 1)

Thanks, Tristan. True, I haven't thunk this through yet.

Ross, I think I'll make your last sentence my mantra for a while.

Much appreciated.

Jackie
by Jackie
Tue Oct 23, 2018 8:49 pm
Forum: Forum News and Support
Topic: Meet the new mods (not the same as the old mods)
Replies: 10
Views: 1546

Re: Meet the new mods (not the same as the old mods)

I miss Ros and Ian and Seth, too.

Seth, that was an informative letter—thanks.

Jackie