The Poets' Graves Workshop

Hi Sid,

Many thanks for your comments. Very useful.

I quite like your suggestion

For no other reason
than the door
leads nowhere.

I’ll have a think about it.

I definitely agree about ‘cannot’ being better than ‘can’t’.

I have a think about your suggestion of another line.

Cheers,

Tristan

Hi Mac, Pleased you enjoyed it. S2 The individual is unsettled by this urge. Here the door has purpose to open up the innocence of the past,... This is spot on, but N is bothered because, even though he is compelled to search for such a door to take him back to this innocent state, he realises it wo...

He jumps
on and off a patch
in front of the door.
And for a while,
the door leads nowhere:
it's a point
of enjoyment
for no other reason
than what it is.

What bothers me though
is that I can’t help
but search for such a door
to take me back
to this unfettered state.

Hi Mac,

It appears you are right, but how many ponds are 25 metres deep. I do wonder if pike were introduced to this pond for the benefit of anglers. My problem, I suppose, is that I don’t imagine a pike’s natural habitat being a pond.

Cheers,

Tristan

I’d forgotten about Hughes’ pike poem. It’s been years since I read it. And yes, pike are in ponds in this poem. I still don’t think ponds are their natural habitat though.

Cheers,

Tristan

Hi Mac, I like the idea of ‘abstraction’ as bait (I’m assuming it’s ironic here), and ‘mouthing on a hook’ is a great image: mouthing words without their sound is very abstract. But then I find this image a little disconnected from ‘the pike swallow each other’, but I suppose it is in a separate sta...

Deconstructing an old image to give it new life Mac. Not sure I’m ‘getting it’ though. I’ll think some more and maybe it will open up to me. It could be, of course, about how a small fish is hooked on poetry and is then cast into a small pond of big fish who swallow each other (nice metaphor for har...

Hi Sid,

I’m not saying you should post all your poems in beginners (although some excellent poets here, like Mac do post many there). Maybe just the ones you are less sure about.

Cheers,

Tristan

No to worry Dylan. Good to have you around.

Cheers,

Tristan

This thread was dead long ago. If you wanted to discuss it, you could have posted it in Poetry Discussion under ‘A Poem that I Read Today’.
I don’t know who Brain Edwards was/is but I think Ray’s point has just become more persuasive. Dayanddeadwords = Brian Edwards.

Cheers,

Tristan

IMO this is an overused image and in this context doesn’t really say a lot other than what is obvious. I think this poem would be better placed in the beginners forum and am moving it there. Sorry I can’t be more positive. Cheers, Tristan Words are carefully Selected like bait upon a hook cast deep ...

I like it Ton. It has atmosphere and the ending is strong. That said, I think it could be condensed in places and there are a couple of cliches which I think detract from the piece - original language engages a lot more. Below are some specific points. Sometimes late on Sunday nights, I walk past th...

Hi Sid,

Hope you are ok. I like the poem but think it could be substantially cut back. Maybe something like this:

bush burning black
ashes the sky, and we
subject to the wind

Cheers,

Tristan

Hi Jules, This poem moves along well with a central rhyme/sound of ‘i’, which I assume was chosen because the poem’s central theme seems to be about how we see or the ‘eye’. I think you are using ‘pie’ in the poem as a pun to allude to ‘pied beauty’ (‘pied’ having a different meaning) and ‘custard p...

Many congrats JJ. An impressive effort.

Cheers,

Tristan

Hi Mac, I like it but am not keen on the final line at all and agree with this from Jules: My diagnosis today is that the clouds are now redundant - we already have the blinking light, the marmalade, the mist and the mermaid's sea - 4 elements to swim through. I really don’t think it works to end th...

writhing
intrusions
of memory ... ?

Yes, it’s better.

If you removed ‘otherness’ from the poem it could become the title.

Cheers,

Tristan

‘Intrusions’ help with decoding the meaning, but for some reason I still prefer ‘writhing’.

Cheers,

Tristan

Hi Not, It seems to be about aliens as well as addiction. It strikes me that the crux of the poem is probably here a writhing of memory and otherness But I can’t quite decode its thrust. It’s almost as if it’s about an alien abduction/invasion/shock that N seems to have been attracted to up to a poi...

Yes, V4 is my favourite, too. It reads very well. I like the focus being where the ditch is, rather than why he said he’d die in a ditch. For me the ditch is a metaphor for how easily we can get fixated on the unimportant part of a story. I wouldn’t ditch any of the V4. Sorry I couldn’t resist to pu...

Many thanks Mac. Really pleased you enjoyed the poems. I thought it was a really strong edition of Snakeskin . Many congrat Seth. I much enjoyed your poem. My personal favourite of the whole edition was: Evolution Chimp ......... Champ .................... Chump By Duncan Gillies MacLaurin Cheers, T...

Ok Jules, here comes my effort at an interp. Please excuse if way off. See below. the dome of myrtle (Is this the moaning Myrtle in Harry Potter? Im doubting it, but thought I’d ask just in case. I’m going to assume ‘dome’ refers to the arch of her life) bee-louder than last year (bee-louder is a ni...

Thank Lotus & Mac. Your comments were much appreciated.

Mac, I think in the context ‘log’ may have been misleading. I’ve tried to solve this issue now.

Cheers,

Tristan

V2

With all your words
I try to work you out
and you become
a book: once
living rings
before the logs
the wood pulp,
the blank page.


V1

With all those words
I try to work you out,
and you are like
a book: once
a living memory
before the logs
and the blank page.

Lovely short Mac.

‘She shivers in whispers’ is great phrasing and an arresting image. Good stuff.

Many congrats!

Cheers,

Tristan