The Poets' Graves Workshop

I like it. I’d prefer the first two lines as follow, just to distance the two theys.

He was in the canal for two weeks
they said, and not much left of him.
They found a unique pattern
of dental records
and metal rods in one of his legs.

Cheers,

Tristan

Interesting article in The Guardian about plagiarism in poetry. Kate Garret’s Bonnie’s Crew is mentioned too, as having experienced plagiarism. It’s an interesting piece. https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/books/2018/dec/06/prize-nominated-poets-debut-cancelled-as-plagiarism-accusati...

Does it need a different title? I’m not sure, too be honest. I quite like ‘The Post’. But does it draw people in - probably not, but not all titles need to. It doesn’t really provide much of a context either, which Jule’s suggestion would (The Paris Garden). ‘The Pit’ would have been a great title ...

JJ, thanks for the vote of confidence in V4.

Jules, thanks for the suggestions. I think I’m going to leave this one now though.

Not, yes the blackness could refer to oil too.

Cheers all,

Tristan

Hi Perry, I think we’re going to have to agree to differ again, but I’m glad you think there’s a place for such poems.

Cheers,

Tristan

Hi Perry, I think your poem could be cut to the following. Egg, sausage, cheese and just enough peppery spice to be delightful — a success among failures in the trade of packaged foods. I get one every day. How fortunate I am to eat well, when fleeing through foreign lands, you don’t get breakfast e...

Thanks Not, Perry and Moth. Not, I agree, it was cluttered. I’ve thinned it out a bit. Moth, you are spot on. It’s about plastic waste and cash cards. I think you are right about ‘between’ instead of ‘in’. Perry, sorry it’s not your sort of poem. But thanks for your time considering it. I’ll explain...

Hi Not,

I’ve checked the link out now and it all makes sense. I think I should have got that it was a bear from ‘The Pit’. That was a pretty big hint. It’s a good poem.

Cheers,

Tristan

Thanks all for the comment and advice. Much appreciated. I have considered them all and posted a revision.

Cheers,

Tristan

Hi Not, I quickly googled 'The Paris Garden' and found an ancient area of London. I couldn't find any reference connecting it though to 'The Post'. So I'll critique the poem without really knowing who it involves and where it took place, if theses things are relevant, which I assume they are. I like...

Hi Not,

It’s a good rewrite. The two ‘thats’ had concerned me too. And I think you are right about ending on ‘blackness’. I’ll return later to comment on ‘The Post’.

Cheers,

Tristan

V4 Not only do we use plastic but our actions seem sealed between its blackness and transparency. V3 Our use of plastic seems sealed between its blackness and transparency. V2 Not only do we use plastic but our actions seem sealed between its blackness and outsourcing of trust to transparency. V1 I...

JJ, this poem has come a long way in the right direction. I like that you have dispensed with the 5/7/5 format fully. I really don’t think you need the colon at the end of the first line. It’s limiting IMO. Also, if you could think of a two syllable alternative to ‘lush’ it would give the poem a nic...

Many thanks David (for the title, too) and Mac.

Cheers,

Tristan

I remember this one Mac. Very scary, indeed.

Many congrats!

Cheers,

Tristan

Hi Mac,

I really like the butterfly poem about youth escaping. It’s a really good short.

Many congrats!

Cheers,

Tristan

But I got carried away and rewrote the whole thing.

As we all do sometimes. But as I said, I don't think David was offended.

Cheers,

Tristan

Rewriting is essentially obnoxious anyway; I should stop doing it. I wouldn’t quite say it’s obnoxious, but I agree Perry. I have come a cropper doing it. You are right, it might be worth avoiding rewriting other’s poems and sticking to straight critiques. Rewriting others poems can rub people up t...

Hi JJ, meaty spring grass that has more body and vigour, unlike the water grass of winter I like the way you describe the two different types of grass. There’s definitely a poem there. I think it was Edith Sitwell who describes grass as ‘blades of steel’ when the sun is shining, which I love. Cheers...

The revision is a lot better IMO, and I still love the closing lines. Excellent. However, you set up the expectation of at least half rhyme continuing through the poem which isn’t fulfilled. I’d lose the end rhyme haze/face in s1. I’m pleased to say the poem no longer suggests in parts the first thr...

Hi Perry,

I think Ross’s review is pretty much spot on.

Cheers,

Tristan

Hi JJ, Your meaning is very clear and ties in well with the title. It could be a metaphor for many things which is a strength in this type of short piece. It could be cut to this the cut mower blades rattle froglets leap The poem is a bit too overdone for me. You don’t need spring/lush/spin/common I...

Please don’t shelve this poem Not. There’s definitely a good poem in there (the central image is excellent), though probably a shorter one I suspect. Don’t be scared of cutting this back to 2/3 pithy lines with a sharp title. The other alternative of course is to save ‘Fixed as a butterfly pinned be...

I like it, especially ‘hungry moat’ and which is perfect. I’m assuming it was inspired my Macs ‘Snip’? Some specific comments below. Are built to last A day at best History condensed - Summer somewhere remembered The siege of hill forts and outposts French inventions - Ours is now eight hours old Se...

Ok Mac, we have a neighbour cutting back a bloom and their child filling a sandcastle bucket, which has been emptied of molluscs (signifying good times spent by the sea), with the petal. All this is excellent imagery for the main thrust of the poem. Your smile fears the clip of secateurs, (So N’s mo...