The Poets' Graves Workshop

Tristan has two in here, I see.

http://www.snakeskinpoetry.co.uk/

Well done, sir.

Well done Mac. Three Drops has been a happy hunting ground for you, hasn't it? A nice Halloween one.

Cheers

David

camus wrote: ↑

Sat Nov 24, 2018 11:38 pm

Casting leaping points
Huge gaps --- --- ---

For early evening revellers
Drunk on salty-air

To sink into

I had a change of heart on those lines - somewhere up yonder. I would miss them.

NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑

Sat Dec 01, 2018 2:32 pm

Hi David,
just wanted to suggest 'span' as an alternative to brackets.

Oh, interesting thought! Thanks, Not.

David

But I got carried away and rewrote the whole thing. Sorry, David. As we all do sometimes. But as I said, I don't think David was offended. I wasn't. I haven't been on the board for a few days, but that was due to off-line issues (a.k.a. the real world). I haven't been sulking. No worries, Perry. Ch...

Yes, very good. Could you stop at "The sun is setting behind it"? I think you could. Something would be lost, but the poem as a whole would benefit from such a great ending What he said :) Regards, Not. . Or even - just to backslide a bit - "To sink into"? Because I do like those lines too, and wou...

Thanks JJ. Yes, "dates" might work instead of "brackets". I'll mull that one over. Perry, a pithy word for the thing would be handy, I agree. I can't think of one, unfortunately. Ah, you say obscurity, I say clarity. Let's not call the whole thing off, though. Thanks Luke. I feel that way a bit myse...

Nicely done, but it seems a curious target nowadays. I thought estuary English was more of an 80s fixation. What's brought this on, if I may ask?

That said, you've handled it very well.

Cheers

David

Yes, very good. Could you stop at "The sun is setting behind it"? I think you could. Something would be lost, but the poem as a whole would benefit from such a great ending.

Cheers

David

But it's not between his brackets - which I agree would be silly - it's between his brackets and the grass. A big difference, I think you'll agree.

Hi Tristan. Her name is going there, obviously. It's just whether her maiden name is going there too. I say "obviously", but it's an interesting point. I haven't been aware of anyone else having this problem - here or elsewhere - but I may be wrong. If I am wrong, an extra line or two would sort tha...

NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑

Sat Nov 24, 2018 4:57 pm

.

Hi David,
how does 'Cocconed' grab you?

Regards, Not.

.

Ah. Doesn't "cocooned" suggest rebirth at some point? Which probably goes against the sense of the poem.

Thanks all. Now, to the specific comments ... ‘But we’ll do it anyway’....I know what you mean, and I’m sure it’s fine, but the phrasing doesn’t seem quite right to me. What about ‘but we’ll carry on’ or ‘but we’ll go ahead’? Yes, quite possibly, Luke. Interesting that the phrase should strike you t...

Firebird wrote: ↑

Thu Nov 22, 2018 7:51 pm

Not,

I love the central idea of this poem but have the following problems.

1) I’m not keen on the title ‘collecting dust’ because a) it’s implied in the poem, and b) it’s the glass case that collects dust not the butterfly.

That was my problem too. I quite like Jules's rewrite.

Cheers

David

We argue
about lettering,
whether my mother's
maiden name
will fit between
my father's brackets
and the grass.
Probably it won't,
but we'll do it anyway,
leaving her origin
peeping out
from between
those blades of grass,
an obscure footnote
into which the curious
may enquire.

Macavity wrote: ↑

Mon Nov 19, 2018 6:56 pm

David wrote: ↑

Mon Nov 19, 2018 6:06 pm

I like the idea of focusing more on Mrs Nicholas. At present her appearance at the end pretty much unbalances the poem. More Mrs N required.

Cheers

David

The middle four lines? Perhaps a pivot balancing the poem :)

Ah yes! The second appearance overwhelmed the first for me.

Just very quickly to answer David - Double Dare (to be real) was the first single (album?) released by Bauhaus. And there was me thinking architecture! Sometimes I forgot how old I am. (Although the title of your poem reminded me.) Not been reading anyone in particular but looking through a lot of ...

Not my usual sort of thing at all, but I quite like it - the first two thirds, at least. In fact you could stop this poem at "her hand burnt on a ring", and start another perfectly decent - but quite different - poem on the next line. The details are everything, though, so ... why "the Bauhaus boys"...

Brilliant title. I won't read the poem just yet. I'll give myself a day or two just to enjoy the title first.

Cheers

David

I like the idea of focusing more on Mrs Nicholas. At present her appearance at the end pretty much unbalances the poem. More Mrs N required.

Cheers

David

I like this one, and "decades deep in dishes" is excellent. I'm not sure I get the ending, though.

Cheers

David

Mirrorball wrote: ↑

Sun Nov 18, 2018 12:01 pm

Thanks David, I'm no great beat counter but I do try to iron out awkwardness.

I've tried a variation on the last line. Does it scan better?

I think it does. But is the previous version there? I can't see it.

Moth wrote: ↑

Sun Nov 18, 2018 12:16 pm

Hi David,
Thanks for taking a look.

I think that last line - the last two and a half lines, to be exact - are far too convoluted.

So almost the entire poem? :lol:

I guess things either click into place or they don't. Cheers anyway. :)

I think they don't, but if you think they do, crack on.

Fun, JJ. A great "afternoon drinking while listening to old faves" poem.

Where is S. Leonard's Church?

Cheers

David

I think that last line - the last two and a half lines, to be exact - are far too convoluted. Others seem to be extracting a meaning from them, but I can't. I think I can sort of see what you're driving at, but only very foggily.

Maybe it's me.

Cheers

David