Search found 147 matches

by Binz
Sun Oct 28, 2018 9:42 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Yuletide Serenade (new title)
Replies: 20
Views: 3045

Re: Season's Couplings (Rev2)

really enjoyed this one :)

Not sure if intended, but it reminded me of this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Wv7OkNJMh0
by Binz
Fri Oct 12, 2018 6:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Brisbane, New Year's Day
Replies: 16
Views: 2483

Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Hi Ross, thanks for the extra info

cheers

B.
by Binz
Thu Oct 11, 2018 6:53 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Brisbane, New Year's Day
Replies: 16
Views: 2483

Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Churinga, I like 'laps and slaps old stones' and think you could have more sound/image lines like that in this poem. I'd prefer 'moored' to 'parked' for boats, or how about something more expressive like 'resting' or even 'sleeping'. I also find 'cultural artefacts' too general, it would be nice to ...
by Binz
Sun Oct 07, 2018 8:41 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Box Moth (V3.5)
Replies: 21
Views: 3302

Re: Box Moth (V2)

Jules, thanks for posting V2 and giving me a smile on a Sunday morning :)

Perry, a diamond-shaped cartoon box is a (cartoon style) drawing of a box that is shaped like a diamond. I hope that answers the question.

B.
by Binz
Thu Oct 04, 2018 6:50 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: In Decision
Replies: 3
Views: 964

Re: In Decision

thanks both for the feedback. Food for thought, I'll give it some rewriting to try and remove the hackneyed clichés and address other points.

" familiar, so long since 'I do' ". The marriage is old, tired and predictable.

cheers

Binz
by Binz
Tue Oct 02, 2018 6:55 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: In Decision
Replies: 3
Views: 964

In Decision

She flips a coin, sends it spinning through fate. “Heads I will, tails I’ll wait.” spinning Heads? Not led by her head or sensible goals, she’ll follow her heart, they’ll connect their souls. Two friends filling gaps in the maps of their lives, sharing cascades of joy. Is foolishness wise? spinning ...
by Binz
Sun Sep 30, 2018 9:11 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: a day in the garden
Replies: 6
Views: 1633

Re: a day in the garden

Hi and welcome, Good twist of mood as it enters S3 and I really like "Under a bed of good wishes and chives". Concisely written (or edited down), eitherway I like how you say enough to illustrate the message and know that's enough. Should that be capitalised God's (i.e. the monotheistic Abrahamic on...
by Binz
Fri Sep 28, 2018 7:43 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Tides
Replies: 12
Views: 1921

Re: Tides

very pleasant, I could feel the water around my toes. I'd suggest removing one of the 'ands' in S1. 'glassy molecules learn to swim' didn't work for me. I think it is that I read molecules as the elemental particles that are way too small to see, maybe a less scientific word would be more poetic. B.
by Binz
Tue Sep 25, 2018 4:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Black Virgin
Replies: 2
Views: 1032

Re: Black Virgin

thanks for the feedback JJ. here's a link to the artworks. http://www.karladickens.com.au/newinstall/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/Karla_Dickens_Feature_Textile_Fibre_Forum.pdf Sorry to put you up against a wall. It was as you suggest written for personal rather than public consumption. I've had it for...
by Binz
Tue Sep 25, 2018 6:52 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Prayer for the Tender Greens
Replies: 28
Views: 3484

Re: Prayer for the Tender Greens

good fun poem and there's nothing wrong with being childlike. Growing up is overrated.
by Binz
Sat Sep 22, 2018 10:44 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Black Virgin
Replies: 2
Views: 1032

Black Virgin

Black Virgin mother of Crow who flies high on the wind of laughter and dies on the storm of forgiveness. Give us this day. Our daily bread we feed to the pigeons, the waifs and strays of memories long gone, but forgotten? Not forever but for now. For now we live today. Tomorrow never knows. - - - - ...
by Binz
Thu Sep 20, 2018 4:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Retail Trap (Revision 2, formerly Retail Asylum)
Replies: 26
Views: 3238

Re: Retail Asylum (Revision 1)

yep the chemise line works. Another approach could be to put the cause at the end of the line and end it with 'overheats' if you feel that rhymes sufficiently.

… element overheats?

Given that the fire was just a short term break from hoarding, maybe there's a line ending "… an ephemeral release"
by Binz
Wed Sep 19, 2018 6:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Retail Trap (Revision 2, formerly Retail Asylum)
Replies: 26
Views: 3238

Re: Retail Asylum (Revision 1)

just thinking about the boiler bit and playing with options.

her unpaid bills are ignited with the rest,
when boiler spits sparks, combusting fashion
a row of boxes block the bedroom door.

spits sparks is a bit stumbly. 'fires sparks'?

maybe 'consuming' instead of 'combusting'
by Binz
Wed Sep 19, 2018 6:42 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Millennial's Torch Song Ver. 2
Replies: 11
Views: 2666

Re: A Millennial's Torch Song

I like the idea of this one. It has potential but it feels like the words are getting in the way of the poetry. Not sure if that makes sense, I think you are telling what happened to the extent that the reader doesn't need to fill in any gaps or interpret. It would be interesting to read a version o...
by Binz
Mon Sep 17, 2018 4:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Heaven Waits (new ending)
Replies: 27
Views: 3437

Re: Heaven Waits (new ending)

"No one but you has commented on the new ending, which means they don't like it." I'm sorry you feel that way. A lack of comment does not equal dislike. I hadn't commented because I hadn't got around to commenting. Life is busy and I don't have time to comment on every poem posted. I assume it is th...
by Binz
Sun Sep 16, 2018 8:33 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Lean Towards the Light
Replies: 15
Views: 2066

Re: Lean Towards the Light

reading 'shade' in relation to graves I can read it as shade = spirit/ghost. Was that intent or happy coincidence? I'd prefer plural shades rather than just 1.
by Binz
Fri Sep 14, 2018 6:37 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: noli illegitimi carborundum
Replies: 9
Views: 1617

Re: noli illegitimi carborundum

thanks Mac, good improvement, which I have now included.

thanks JJ, I'm glad you enjoyed it and I appreciate the advice

thanks all for the feedback and coaching on this one.

B
by Binz
Thu Sep 13, 2018 5:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Heaven Waits (new ending)
Replies: 27
Views: 3437

Re: Heaven Waits

Hi Perry, one of your better works IMHO. If you want the extra syllable, how about "No court can I petition for a better choice". "No legs" seemed oddly specific, was 'legs' chosen to tie in with marching? What about 'No form' as an alternative? I think "Would that be heaven, or a punishment in disg...
by Binz
Thu Sep 13, 2018 4:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: noli illegitimi carborundum
Replies: 9
Views: 1617

Re: noli illegitimi carborundum

thanks Mac. Revision posted with alternative line 6 and other tweaks.
by Binz
Thu Sep 13, 2018 6:33 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Haiku Train
Replies: 7597
Views: 958946

Re: Haiku Train

A song within songs.
One track on every album
is a dud, skip it.
by Binz
Tue Sep 11, 2018 9:53 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: noli illegitimi carborundum
Replies: 9
Views: 1617

Re: noli illegitimi carborundum

nice acrostics acrostic :) yep, it was as you view it, just a bit of experimental fun. I'm OK with a cliché in this as it reflects the reality that in those circumstances many clichés will be offered. But I did struggle with that line and it still feels clunky, I thought of replacing 'better' with '...
by Binz
Tue Sep 11, 2018 9:44 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Penitent
Replies: 9
Views: 1423

Re: The Penitent

I got this on 1 level, but feel it has another level I'm missing. Reading it on that 1 level it works better without the last 2 lines. If I got the other level/meaning then I assume they would fit right in. That may be more a reflection of my skill at reading/interpreting rather than the poem itself...
by Binz
Mon Sep 10, 2018 11:07 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: noli illegitimi carborundum
Replies: 9
Views: 1617

Re: noli illegitimi carborundum

thanks Ravallion

I thought it would be fun to play at crafting a poem starting with each line with a word of the phrase and this is what came out. It is based on no one specifically but many people generally.

B
by Binz
Mon Sep 10, 2018 9:22 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: noli illegitimi carborundum
Replies: 9
Views: 1617

noli illegitimi carborundum

Revision 2 (credit to Mac) Don’t let him get to you. Move on. Let it all out: cry, scream, shout. The sea is full of finer fish. Bastards come and go, he’s gone, so Grind your heel in his photo’d face. You own your life, free from his fist. Let’s go Down town on the pull and get pissed. Revised Don’...
by Binz
Mon Sep 10, 2018 8:56 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The First Time I Drank With My Father
Replies: 14
Views: 1865

Re: The First Time I Drank With My Father

very good capture/expression of how a life changes and a sadness of relationship. I read 'bed clothes' as sheets, so a change to pyjamas would avoid that confusion. "Now you've pissed yourself again." That scored a hit. IMHO it works best as a standalone line and I'd say keep the 'now' as it immedia...