Search found 142 matches

by ljordan
Thu Dec 19, 2013 9:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flaws (Challenge 3)
Replies: 12
Views: 472

Re: Flaws (Challenge 3)

I think I'm a bit hungry for some poems with sound and this has pierced my ears. Like others, the sense isn't all quite clear. Some questions: Why is her body unaccompanied in its passion? I can picture that she as that which is more than her body could be absent, but not sure that's what's said. In...
by ljordan
Thu Dec 19, 2013 8:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: He was reading a book on Family Therapy
Replies: 15
Views: 572

Re: He was reading a book on Family Therapy

Ray, quite masterful. The control of the cadence playing on the internal as well as end rhymes is simply musical. The volumes of detail amplify the narrator's character as well as play into the music. With a few more reads, I may change my mind, but for now the part about the character's relationshi...
by ljordan
Sat Nov 16, 2013 12:23 am
Forum: Poetry Exercises
Topic: Exercise#1: Poetry at the crossroads
Replies: 55
Views: 27867

Re: Poetry at the crossroads

Great Lakes, 1850 The girl met my eyes. She tightened my shawl to her throat and slipped under the dark upper-deck stairs silent on bare feet. My own farm lace-ups hadn't been off since Lake Champlain. I fought the sleet now, my brown felt drawn low and my bag to my chest as the steamer rounded one...
by ljordan
Sat Nov 16, 2013 12:15 am
Forum: Poetry Exercises
Topic: Exercise#1: Poetry at the crossroads
Replies: 55
Views: 27867

Re: Poetry at the crossroads

S1 and 2 are beautiful Larry, but 3 feels incomplete. Is the title in the same key as the poem? Really love that opening. I agree with Brian here, Larry. The opening sentence meanders along in quite a convoluted manner, but it's still lovely. I felt a warm breeze, lightly freighted with the scent o...
by ljordan
Thu Nov 14, 2013 12:03 am
Forum: Poetry Exercises
Topic: Exercise#1: Poetry at the crossroads
Replies: 55
Views: 27867

Re: Poetry at the crossroads

Ian, Wonderful piece in spite of its lack of title. The form is nicely executed though I wonder at its use with the content. For my ear, it comes off self-referential. May not be bad. The last line, flying in the face of the formal, does put a bit of theater in it.
by ljordan
Wed Nov 13, 2013 11:52 pm
Forum: Poetry Exercises
Topic: Exercise#1: Poetry at the crossroads
Replies: 55
Views: 27867

Re: Poetry at the crossroads

Off the Curb Of the parts that forgetting hides with her old gingham dress is the look she once recalled he made in Charleston, at the bell, when the wick flickered. It’s the flutter of her skirt when hanging onto the trolley that stands out now, in spite of the warm August day, in spite of the radi...
by ljordan
Wed Jun 26, 2013 11:39 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Noises
Replies: 9
Views: 620

Re: Noises

Thanks for the notes, sorry for the delayed response. Yeah, suspected thrum as worn out, but? Good notes, will mull.

larry
by ljordan
Fri Jun 21, 2013 2:27 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Noises
Replies: 9
Views: 620

Noises

From his ledger of sounds came an evening in the alley— in the alley off third when the thunder cracked. It had been an hour since dusk and the notes he made about rain. He went there to breathe, having bitten his lip after all she said; the juke box drowned her out with the sounds of ‘Round Midnigh...
by ljordan
Fri Jun 21, 2013 2:22 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Fortified
Replies: 13
Views: 603

Re: Fortified

Not sure I get anything from the idea of fingers drip-feeding into a vein. Also find the images trying to illuminate the premise that 'nutrients we need are hard to come by' fall a bit short. They are interesting but disconnected to S2?

larry
by ljordan
Thu May 30, 2013 8:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Edge of Understanding
Replies: 9
Views: 499

Re: The Edge of Understanding

I'm liking this too. Any moment of contemplation wins me over. What if you were to replace the opening 'it' with 'A word nears the edge of sense?' It clears that vague pool and lets you revise the title which sounds a bit grandiloquent. The poem's conclusion could be debated that grasping for the cl...
by ljordan
Thu May 30, 2013 8:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Legacy
Replies: 12
Views: 896

Re: Legacy

A revision and a shift towards the sense intended. Again thanks for the notes.

larry
by ljordan
Fri May 24, 2013 1:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Time to get up (v2)
Replies: 9
Views: 459

Re: Time to get up (v2)

Liking this, too. Agree about the 'blue' line and at first I had difficulties with the last line as too 'telly.' Will is such an abstract it drains the life out of the poem. However, in context with Faulkner, it seems apropos. It does leave the poem wobbly, should it try to stand on its own...

larry
by ljordan
Thu May 16, 2013 6:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Belle
Replies: 18
Views: 718

Re: Belle

Ray, I did not 'get' the allusion to the play until reading the thread and am not sure what I take from it. Is the play informing the poem or the poem a puzzle about the play? Just a rhetorical question to illustrate my experience. The image at the turn: locomotive thunder dampening the strain of po...
by ljordan
Thu May 16, 2013 6:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Legacy
Replies: 12
Views: 896

Re: Legacy

Thanks Seth and Mac, the rhyme seems to be too much...not sure yet of change..
by ljordan
Thu May 16, 2013 5:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Blind Woman in the Rattling Wind
Replies: 9
Views: 502

Re: Blind Woman in the Rattling Wind

For me the 'paper dolls' infers the making of an idealized self, a culture, a want to be. They work with wind in various ways. I wonder at 'blind'. It describes a condition that doesn't figure with the other elements. She hears, touches and without being able to see the dolls limits their value as a...
by ljordan
Thu May 09, 2013 1:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: For V, at this time of year
Replies: 10
Views: 636

Re: For V, at this time of year

I read this last night and it gave me pause. I noted how the poem had a rhyming couplet at its middle like a hinge. It reflects wonderfully the alternating of the 'reading' versus the 'doing' I stumble a bit at the idea of the magazine being about gardening. I wonder if its proximity to the acts of ...
by ljordan
Thu May 09, 2013 12:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Legacy
Replies: 12
Views: 896

Re: Legacy

Thanks so much for the notes. I was worried that the Phaethon allusion might be too obscure. A better epigram might be in order. I had wondered if the cadence could make up for the breaks with metrical order and thought the breaks to reflect the chaos, but I think your notes have changed my mind esp...
by ljordan
Wed May 08, 2013 2:30 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Legacy
Replies: 12
Views: 896

Legacy

Legacy (rev) Shifting gears, he picks up speed, trails a scarf and grips the wheel of his father’s car. His wake curls through the bottoms of clouds, and soon the curious dash for cover. At this speed, he tilts the world on its rim, toppling an orbit’s proof of night and day. Above the stars his fen...
by ljordan
Tue May 07, 2013 5:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Lost Flip-Flop
Replies: 14
Views: 740

Re: Lost Flip-Flop

This phrase threw me out of the poem; it reads like a label on the side of a box, translated to English from Japanese: single pronged footwear product The image is a bit sparse; a shoe left at cliff's edge: almost a cliche? However there is something more here with life = missing sandal and play on ...
by ljordan
Tue Apr 30, 2013 2:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Let it be
Replies: 18
Views: 759

Re: Let it be

Also the opening has nice allusion to Hardy's 'Darkling Thrush' Also schemes and chaos work for me, fitting nicely with the allusions of the fall. Not sure the end has quite the punch it needs, though I've no suggestions at all.

larry
by ljordan
Tue Apr 30, 2013 2:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Accident and emergency (edited again)
Replies: 7
Views: 369

Re: Accident and emergency (lightly edited)

For me it’s too prosaic and shifting the POV from the boy to father to narrator undermines the dread and menace. Perhaps the poem could use some distancing to what the characters are thinking: ‘watching the river, the boy hears...’ etc. Why is Dad’s fixation with disaster bizarre? Who thinks this? T...
by ljordan
Sun Apr 28, 2013 8:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Suomenlinna in a sea of glass - edit
Replies: 21
Views: 857

Re: Suomenlinna in a sea of glass

The poem made me think of Sexton's work and engaged me with the danger and surrender of its illusions. The lines being choppy felt as the sea against the wall, (despite the title's inference) so that works for me as mentioned by Geoff. I'm not sure I'd change the 'kneading.' For me it reflects the p...
by ljordan
Mon Apr 15, 2013 7:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The descent
Replies: 23
Views: 985

Re: The descent

With all the allusions to menstruation, I expected a more dramatic turn. The form coheres, but does it become a sonnet and at the loss of the poem. The repeated line adds nothing but sound and is sound contibuting anything to it? There is a kind of harmony inferrred by the idea of cycles, but the re...
by ljordan
Sun Mar 17, 2013 6:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Daughter Words
Replies: 10
Views: 536

Re: Daughter Words

As B noted, the biographical elements are great and in keeping with Stein's sense of things as named. Second sentence, "I might be easier..." wonderfully sets up the lens for the reader's way into the poem. I think the aphoristic language distracts and weakens the poem. IE; instead of "everything ol...
by ljordan
Sun Mar 17, 2013 6:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: March the 15th
Replies: 12
Views: 494

Re: March the 15th

A couple of thoughts: If waiting for the sun it must have been absent. As it stands it may read as a modifier to sun for which we'd not be waiting? A similar issue occurs with "lingering warmth." Has mid-March brought it to linger or is the warmth there for us to linger in? Perhaps the language dist...