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by twoleftfeet
Thu Jan 30, 2014 10:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The experiment of the two slits - revised
Replies: 8
Views: 438

Re: The experiment of the two slits

Thanks everyone - once again I've posted it here because I know what I'm trying to do and I know that I'm not quite there... What I had in mind was to set a scene of someone reading in a quiet place, but distracted by a personal life that keeps intruding into their thoughts, until the language of t...
by twoleftfeet
Thu Jan 30, 2014 12:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Unevolved - revised
Replies: 13
Views: 470

Re: Unevolved

Nice one, Ray. I don't get the title (or rather, I can think of several possibilities but they're all wild guesses). I'm struggling with L3 and "wrung" not having an object. (Of course, you may be implying "rung" - the sound of the fish hitting the slab) To me "of reel that writhed" would be better,...
by twoleftfeet
Wed Jan 29, 2014 1:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The experiment of the two slits - revised
Replies: 8
Views: 438

Re: The experiment of the two slits

Hello, Joe Hats off for trying to write about such a counter-intuitive subject and to relate it to the macro world we live in. Seeing that the poem is not only about the experiment I would be inclined to drop "experiment" from the title. In S2 - I thought "magic" seemed out of place in such a "scien...
by twoleftfeet
Tue Jan 28, 2014 7:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: (v2) Abandoned Field
Replies: 9
Views: 385

Re: Abandoned Field

Enjoyed, Seth.

Maybe use "by dint of" to avoid the repeat?

Geoff
by twoleftfeet
Tue Jan 28, 2014 12:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The disciple
Replies: 2
Views: 184

Re: The disciple

Hi, Marc This is growing on me, after a few reads. The one nit I have is - "Truly your western ways are crap!" -it makes no sense to me unless you are implying that the west has subsumed eastern ways to the point that they are now "western ways", while "eastern ways" have moved on - in effect swappi...
by twoleftfeet
Sun Jan 26, 2014 6:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: K / J
Replies: 20
Views: 712

Re: K / J

I think it does help to know a bit more about K. Maybe something other than "art" I thought and hoped that "art" was okay, but it might not be. (Matthew 27:46) David I got that reference -that's why I suggested something like inspiration/inner-voice which might dry up/forsake etc.. God-=art doesn't...
by twoleftfeet
Sun Jan 26, 2014 4:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: K / J
Replies: 20
Views: 712

Re: K / J

I know very little about Kafka, but I think I get the "J", David.

"self-made man". Can you avoid "man"?

Maybe something other than "art" - more in the sense of "inspiration"?
Or do you mean "carpentry skills"?

Geoff
by twoleftfeet
Sun Jan 26, 2014 3:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Reconstruction
Replies: 4
Views: 235

Re: Reconstruction

Great rhyming fun, Ray. Stanza 2 is my favourite. You never hear of a regression where someone was a lav attendant or a latrine digger, do you? It wouldn't surprise me if you were a Birmingham supporter in a previous life. :) No! Actually, it was me that dumped you. - to my ear, this has one too man...
by twoleftfeet
Fri Jan 24, 2014 8:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: "Death Be Not Proud" applied
Replies: 14
Views: 502

Re: "Death Be Not Proud" applied

Ros wrote:Have I commented on this ? I haven't. You might wish it stayed that way.
It's not really working for me - the title feels uncomfortable with itself, and this seems to me to continue through the poem.
Eh? :?
by twoleftfeet
Wed Jan 22, 2014 12:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Parting at a wine shop in Nanking
Replies: 15
Views: 6649

Re: Parting at a wine shop in Nanking

very much enjoyed, Bren. The debate over "faster" vs "longer" is interesting. The river, to me, is a metaphor for something that never ends, in the sense that it never stops flowing so I would vote for "longer/farther", although I'm guessing that the sense might be "which will end the soonest"? Geoff
by twoleftfeet
Wed Jan 22, 2014 12:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Wild Geese in Tesco
Replies: 10
Views: 410

Re: Wild Geese in Tesco

Much enjoyed, Ray.

I remembered the Shadwell thread, but I didn't know the Mary Oliver poem - unfortunately, I do now.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

- would that be chocolate?

Geoff
by twoleftfeet
Tue Jan 21, 2014 11:39 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sky Boats
Replies: 21
Views: 615

Re: Sky Boats

Geoff, thanks. Et tu on that line eh? I wonder if "you're spelling it out for the hard-of-thinking" reflects a reading of this as more polemical than intended? Hmm. I clearly need to ponder. Seth Seth, sometimes (OK often) I phrase myself poorly. What I meant was - you have "wisp of will" (which I ...
by twoleftfeet
Mon Jan 20, 2014 11:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sky Boats
Replies: 21
Views: 615

Re: Sky Boats

Seth, I agree with Travis about the last line - you're spelling it out for the hard-of-thinking, especially as you already have There are no impediments to their cogless wills . - btw, "cogless wheels/wills" is bad, even by my standards :) You could maybe construct something along the lines of "wisp...
by twoleftfeet
Sun Jan 19, 2014 11:36 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: "Death Be Not Proud" applied
Replies: 14
Views: 502

Re: "Death Be Not Proud" applied

David, I'm intrigued - wondering about the character/personality of N, and the circumstances in which he/she seems to have offered comfort to a bereaved person but in a strangely detached and emotionless way, then later relates what happened in a cosy tête-à-tête with someone. Clever use of "you" co...
by twoleftfeet
Sun Jan 19, 2014 11:10 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Since my last epiphany... (REVISED)
Replies: 19
Views: 691

Re: Since my last epiphany... (REVISED)

Great idea. An enjoyable tale of epiphany motivated actions. Clearly a good one for performance because you can always add on. It would be interesting to see it being read, since I suspect you are now the only persion to have heard of Clifford T Ward. I wonder how many times you will hear "who?" Se...
by twoleftfeet
Fri Jan 17, 2014 6:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Not Just Black and White
Replies: 8
Views: 371

Re: Just Like Jehovah Himself

David wrote:[

And it's not really heresy, is it? More a lack of belief than a heterodox one.
Try telling that to the [s]Spanish[/s] Manx Inquisition!

Torq
by twoleftfeet
Fri Jan 17, 2014 3:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hawk's Chisel (v4)
Replies: 13
Views: 556

Re: Hawk's Chisel

1lankest wrote:Thanks Geoff,

'"Lintel" would make a great adjective.'

Do you mean it could be:

'they roost on the lintel trees'?

Luke
I was thinking "on lintel branches"
by twoleftfeet
Fri Jan 17, 2014 1:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Not Just Black and White
Replies: 8
Views: 371

Re: Just Like Jehovah Himself

Thanks for the chuckle, Ray.

I like how "he" in the last line is ambiguous.
Also that "disparaged" is a very "french-sounding" word.

Geoff
by twoleftfeet
Fri Jan 17, 2014 12:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Since my last epiphany... (REVISED)
Replies: 19
Views: 691

Re: Since my last epiphany... (REVISED)

Hi, Osk

I don't think S3 is up to the standard of S1 and S2 (just my opinion, of course).
"other silly things" - seems like filler.

"Clifford T Ward" ? Your audience will just assume they misheard you and you'd said "Cliff Richard" :)

Geoff
by twoleftfeet
Fri Jan 17, 2014 12:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hawk's Chisel (v4)
Replies: 13
Views: 556

Re: Hawk's Chisel

Hi, Luke

I agree with Ros and Richard.

"Lintels" are solid so you can't use "in" (imho). "Lintel" would make a great adjective.

Geoff
by twoleftfeet
Fri Jan 17, 2014 12:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Skype
Replies: 7
Views: 309

Re: Skype

Hi, Richard Like Ray, I enjoyed Beneath the eye a mercury breach, tells me you are crying This bit (and the ending) suggest a certain amount of love/hate: Sudden movements and the pixels could so perfectly smear the face Having said that I'm not sure what is going on, and the significance of "gift" ...
by twoleftfeet
Fri Jan 17, 2014 12:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sidestep (edited)
Replies: 13
Views: 426

Re: Sidestep (edited)

Hi Ros,

I was confused by the opening metaphor of struggling uphill through a demolition site - probably because the danger would be to yourself, and it isn't.
I was also distracted by the "science" of the path. Once I'd picked my way through - everything was fine.
Great ending.

Geoff
by twoleftfeet
Tue Jan 14, 2014 12:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Wreck of the San Juan de Sicilia, Tobermory Bay
Replies: 10
Views: 1579

Re: The Wreck of the San Juan de Sicilia, Tobermory Bay

Very good, Seth.

I'm torn between the original and Ray's suggested revamp.
by twoleftfeet
Mon Jan 13, 2014 3:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Occupation - revision
Replies: 17
Views: 511

Re: Occupation

ray miller wrote: I think one of the things I need to get rid of are the lines in italics.
I agree. Having said that, if the location was the Middle East, the occupiers were Europeans or Americans, and Wilfred's name was (say) Ahmed, those lines would assume a Koran-like significance (IMHO).
by twoleftfeet
Mon Jan 13, 2014 1:02 pm
Forum: Audio Feature
Topic: Click here for the PG iPod
Replies: 58
Views: 46704

Re: Click here for the PG iPod

Bravo, Suzanne!