Search found 79 matches

by Ryan P.
Thu Feb 14, 2013 8:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: To the Woman I Marry
Replies: 9
Views: 886

Re: To the Woman I Marry

Doesn't hold out much hope for the woman you marry, since she's always going to be compared to the one who jilted you. I'm bothered by 'you are not her': colloquially fine but grammatically incorrect ('you are not she'). Perhaps you could sidestep the problem with something like: 'You are not like ...
by Ryan P.
Sun Feb 10, 2013 3:49 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: To the Woman I Marry
Replies: 9
Views: 886

Re: To the Woman I Marry

I wonder: is part of this redundant?.. you are not her, nor will you ever be - If she (future) is not her (the past) then does it need stating that also she will never be her? Just a thought. That's a good point. I think an argument could be made for that. The idea behind that was that she is not h...
by Ryan P.
Thu Jan 31, 2013 9:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: To the Woman I Marry
Replies: 9
Views: 886

Re: To the Woman I Marry

Posted a small edit, for those that are interested. Just trying to adjust the tone of the piece. Any criticism would be appreciated.
by Ryan P.
Wed Jan 30, 2013 3:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Spring
Replies: 12
Views: 997

Re: Spring

This could be the American in me, but I'm only counting six syllables in the second line. Not sure if you were shooting for 5-7-5, but I missed the count if you were. Hi Ryan I am counting Cloak/ed as 2 syllables which i think would make the line 7. However I am reliably informed that When it comes...
by Ryan P.
Wed Jan 30, 2013 7:13 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: To the Woman I Marry
Replies: 9
Views: 886

To the Woman I Marry

Revision: I'm sorry – there was one before you who has done you no favors toward curbing my ex- pectations. But I'll adjust to loving you. you are not her, nor will you ever be - those things I am damned well sure of. Original: I'm sorry – there was one before who has done you no favors toward curbi...
by Ryan P.
Wed Jan 30, 2013 7:11 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Spring
Replies: 12
Views: 997

Re: Spring

This could be the American in me, but I'm only counting six syllables in the second line. Not sure if you were shooting for 5-7-5, but I missed the count if you were. I, too, like Mac's edit. She's got the right idea, I think, by switching up the verbs to match the seasons. I do prefer 'haze of gree...
by Ryan P.
Wed Jan 30, 2013 7:00 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Ratings and Reviews
Replies: 5
Views: 446

Re: Ratings and Reviews

I like this. The concept is pretty unique in that it's so timely, which I enjoy for a change. Technology doesn't seem to be as relevant in poetry as it is in society... Images are strong, albeit maybe a little heavy-handed overall. I feel like you could communicate the same idea in less space. I, li...
by Ryan P.
Tue Sep 11, 2012 4:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Poets' Graves Anthology - call for submissions!
Replies: 11
Views: 1338

Re: Poets' Graves Anthology - call for submissions!

The deadline has passed, but is there any chance you have room for a few more? No is an acceptable answer here. :)
by Ryan P.
Tue Jul 17, 2012 5:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hebridean Bookends (minor tweak)
Replies: 21
Views: 1178

Re: Hebridean Bookends (minor tweak)

I have modified "spread a scent" to "play a scent". Does anybody think this is better/worse/just the same? Seth I like the change. The alliteration is nice and 'spread,' to me, feels girthier when read aloud. I also think it works better for the sake of imagery. Good choice, I think, albeit a small...
by Ryan P.
Sun Jul 15, 2012 6:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Your room in my head
Replies: 19
Views: 1003

Re: Your room in my head

I enjoyed it too. Paticularly like the concept of aging displayed through the use of the outdated (to some) media format. Gives a good sense of reflection. I also really enjoyed the image of "wobbly" cardboard wraps with "deep" grooves. There's a parallel there where it applies both to the records a...
by Ryan P.
Fri Jul 13, 2012 9:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: On Mother's Day:
Replies: 5
Views: 471

Re: On Mother's Day:

I rather enjoyed it. Nicely bitter, almost vengeful, and tantalisingly unexplained. Or it would be, if you omitted the expositionary subtitle. Which you should. Let the spleenly nastiness speak for itself. cheers peter Thanks for the warm welcome back, Peter. Always have appreciated your insight. I...
by Ryan P.
Fri Jul 13, 2012 2:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: On Mother's Day:
Replies: 5
Views: 471

On Mother's Day:

On Mother's Day, 2003: I bought you a bouquet today. I spilled bleach into the vase, poured salt on every petal, cut the stems far too short, then let them dry out in the sun. I hope that flowers go to heaven when they die. --------- Been away for a while. Sorry about that. First piece in as long. I...
by Ryan P.
Fri Dec 16, 2011 7:37 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Coping
Replies: 24
Views: 2293

Re: Coping

Curious as to where you met a woman who still writes letters? Kentucky, of all places. She wrote me quite a few letters, and now I've written her a poem. Not sure how happy she'd be to read it, but... Who knows. Seriously, thanks for the comment. The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on...
by Ryan P.
Mon Nov 28, 2011 11:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Coping
Replies: 24
Views: 2293

Re: Coping

I really like this too. It's got real energy and drive, great imagery, and walks a clever line between bitterness and humour. I kept stumbling over the words in the last line, with both faith and belief/believing. Perhaps the sentence was just getting a bit too long by then. I did wonder about a si...
by Ryan P.
Fri Nov 25, 2011 11:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Coping
Replies: 24
Views: 2293

Re: Coping

Yes! "warn Adam about believing women" I think Geoff's got it perfect. I'm growing to like this too. I also really liked the placement of shrub in line 5, but I'm not sure how it fits into the actual metaphor itself, even if it sounds nice. I don't know. Might just end up keeping the original versi...
by Ryan P.
Wed Nov 23, 2011 7:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Coping
Replies: 24
Views: 2293

Re: Coping

Ryan, I prefer the original version. I see the point of Ros's suggestions in each case, but overall I think they weaken the rhythmic effect of the poem without adding much (if anything) to the sense. For instance, "I want to unwrite all of your letters" just sounds so much better than "I want to un...
by Ryan P.
Wed Nov 23, 2011 6:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Coping
Replies: 24
Views: 2293

Re: Coping

Posted a small revision that basically just covered most suggestions you guys have given me; not much in the way of creativity here. However, there are a few things I'm not sure of: I don't know which I like better of off/from in l3. I feel like off keeps with the tone/language of the piece better. ...
by Ryan P.
Wed Nov 23, 2011 6:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Coping
Replies: 24
Views: 2293

Re: Coping

Another good'un, Ryan, although I would like to read a happy poem about women one day 8) I'm not keen on "believing in women" or " belief in women": "trust" or "faith" would be better IMHO. Yeah, I agree about belief vs. trust or faith; I was swapping all three in and out when I was writing, actual...
by Ryan P.
Wed Nov 23, 2011 9:58 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Coping
Replies: 24
Views: 2293

Re: Coping

I like this, Ryan. Not sure you need shrub and sapling - having both seems to dilute the point. You could remove a few of the little words too to tighten it up: I want to unwrite all your letters, -- remove of hold your pen like a straw and suck -- remove to the blue/black ink off the paper, --- wo...
by Ryan P.
Wed Nov 23, 2011 9:22 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Coping
Replies: 24
Views: 2293

Coping

Rewrite: I want to unwrite all of your letters, hold your pen like a straw and suck the blue/black ink off the paper, color my lips and teeth like bruises, fold each page into the shape of a sapling, grow a paper Garden of Eden and warn Adam about faith in women. Original: I want to unwrite all of y...
by Ryan P.
Wed Nov 09, 2011 7:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: September's Features
Replies: 5
Views: 572

Re: September's Features

Woah! Last place I would have expected to see my name. Thanks. :)

Congrats to everyone. Very good stuff.
by Ryan P.
Tue Oct 25, 2011 10:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Deforestation
Replies: 5
Views: 815

Re: Deforestation

OK Ryan - here we go..... She was a bush in the forest when the loggers came. A simple statement, introducing the bush and the loggers – Q. what do loggers want with bushes? Well nothing, because you go on to fix the loggers to the trees. [ I like sawed it from years of history ] Each man chose his...
by Ryan P.
Tue Oct 25, 2011 8:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Deforestation
Replies: 5
Views: 815

Re: Deforestation

Hey John, Thanks for your comment. I posted this one fresh off the paper last night on my way to sleep. I hadn't posted in a while and I figured anything was better than nothing. That being said, I do wish you would elaborate more with your comment. What specifically isn't working for you? I underst...
by Ryan P.
Tue Oct 25, 2011 7:36 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Deforestation
Replies: 5
Views: 815

Deforestation

She was a bush in the forest when the loggers came. Each man chose his own tree; sawed it from years of history and threw it on a truck with a hundred other trees to become furniture. She was left alone. Bushes are no good for making coatracks or hardwood flooring, and so she was left, a lone bush w...
by Ryan P.
Sun Oct 16, 2011 5:07 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Marriage
Replies: 18
Views: 1382

Re: Marriage

It divides in two like legs gaped in yawn, fused at the groin in the shape of a wishbone. It will never be pulled apart. Its brain and spine have been exchanged for two more hearts. Its love is cardiac arrest. No, no, don't scrap. The first four lines are excellent. Fresh, appealing imagery I under...