Search found 373 matches

by oggiesnr
Fri Feb 07, 2020 1:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Genetics
Replies: 8
Views: 755

Re: Genetics

Hi Ray, The only bit that I found actually grated was the last two lines, I think it's the use of "started" and "start" in close proximity. It also felt at odds with the rest of the poem, why should it "start her off" as she's the one who's straight and concrete and never sobs? I find myself unsure ...
by oggiesnr
Thu Feb 06, 2020 9:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Tomorrow
Replies: 8
Views: 963

Re: Tomorrow

It's one of the courier services (home delivery) here in the UK. Think FedEx or similar. It actually stands for "Dalsey, Hillblom and Lynn" who were the founders but it is now a subsiduary of the German Poat Office.

Steve
Poet wrote:
Thu Feb 06, 2020 9:33 pm
What's DHL? Does it stand for something?
by oggiesnr
Tue Feb 04, 2020 9:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Tomorrow
Replies: 8
Views: 963

Re: Tomorrow

Thanks Jules, I'm going to do an edit in the next day or two and I'll take your points on board, Steve Hi Steve - deadpan at its best. Brilliant start. I'm inclined to agree with Ray's edits. If you are wedded to 'Tomorrow's' return you could drop China and make S3 : A curtain drawn, a fire lit. Tom...
by oggiesnr
Mon Feb 03, 2020 10:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Tomorrow
Replies: 8
Views: 963

Re: Tomorrow

Poet wrote:
Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:19 pm
DPC?
Should be DHL but it was a flash poem and I had a "senior" moment. Will amend in the rewrite,

Many thanks

Steve
by oggiesnr
Mon Feb 03, 2020 10:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Tomorrow
Replies: 8
Views: 963

Re: Tomorrow

Thanks for the crit Ray. I'll put my thinking cap on. Maybe "pro forma condolences".

Reason for the last lines were to try and round it off. I suspect I had in my mind the 1970's poster "Suppose they gave a war and no-one came" as well as "Tomorrow never comes."

Food for thought,

Steve
by oggiesnr
Sun Feb 02, 2020 10:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Tomorrow
Replies: 8
Views: 963

Tomorrow

Tomorrow

Tomorrow came;
an open coffin,
a few flowers,
Facebook announcement,
flowery condolences.

A scattered handful
dotting the crem.
Eulogy from
a preacher
who never met the man.

A curtain drawn,
a fire lit.
Ashes in an urn,
courtesy of China
delivered by DPC.

Tomorrow came,
Nobody cared.
by oggiesnr
Fri Oct 05, 2018 8:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Trawlermen
Replies: 16
Views: 2285

Re: The Trawlermen

Hi Ross, I'm from Hull, I've found the episode of Trawlermen that I think you've based this on. Peterhead is very different from Hull, different traditions and fishing areas. I'll watch the program in the next few days and give you my feedback then. My big problem is that a Hull trawlerman would not...
by oggiesnr
Thu Oct 04, 2018 9:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Trawlermen
Replies: 16
Views: 2285

Re: The Trawlermen

I like it as a poem, I have a couple of factual quibbles with it but they don't detract from the sense of the poem.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Fri Aug 17, 2018 9:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Jukebox
Replies: 11
Views: 1477

Re: Jukebox

I actually like the use of "Kell". It summons up a very specific 1960/70's pub where one was a regular and so you knew the name of the barmaid and you knew what was on the jukebox (and how rarely it was updated). If you were "evil" you also knew what was most likey to p**s off the bloke at the other...
by oggiesnr
Thu Aug 16, 2018 10:20 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Call Me
Replies: 13
Views: 3220

Re: Call Me

Hi Jackie. I enjoyed this very much however I have a couple of observations. The off the wall one first. I mentally replaced "Call me ..." with "Come to me ..." (or even "Come for me ..") in the opening of each verse. Makes it a different poem but works quite well but obviously not where you were go...
by oggiesnr
Sat Aug 04, 2018 6:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Woodpile
Replies: 3
Views: 860

Re: Woodpile

As a story I love this. I could hear it being told, with diversions hither and thither, ay any of the storytelling sessions I go to. As a poem I am less convinced, I've fallen into the same trap myself of telling a story in a poem-like form but not really writing a poem and that's how it appears to ...
by oggiesnr
Sun Jul 29, 2018 5:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: We planted a rose v2
Replies: 13
Views: 1874

Re: We planted a rose v2

Thanks David.

Agreement amongst poets? Never!

I'm still unsure as to where to take this one, I think I'm going to let it moulder for a bit.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Fri Jul 27, 2018 3:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: We planted a rose v2
Replies: 13
Views: 1874

Re: We planted a rose v2

Thanks Not,

On reflection I think I agree with you so back to the thinking board. The one change that will stay is the deletion of the original last line.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Wed Jul 25, 2018 6:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: We planted a rose v2
Replies: 13
Views: 1874

Re: We planted a rose v2

The next version is now up complete with a change of title. I'll happily accept any better suggestions fo it.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Tue Jul 24, 2018 2:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: We planted a rose v2
Replies: 13
Views: 1874

Re: We planted a rose.

Thank you Jackie and JJ for your crits. I have a new version in the works which I'll post shortly which reflects the comments that everyone has made.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Sun Jul 22, 2018 8:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: We planted a rose v2
Replies: 13
Views: 1874

Re: We planted a rose.

Thanks for the crit. I agree about the last stanza, it's the one I've thought hardest about. When they were both alive mum was bed bound (another story) and dad had the active social life. In death he seems sterile and she is the one blooming and attracting life to the cemetry (please note, not the ...
by oggiesnr
Sat Jul 21, 2018 6:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: We planted a rose v2
Replies: 13
Views: 1874

Re: We planted a rose.

I like this, Steve. (It is Steve, isn't it?) Some of the details seem to be known to the poet without making it across to the reader, but that doesn't seem like a major inconvenience. In fact I think the poem works pretty well. Thanks for the crit David. This one was a midbight poem and I've not wo...
by oggiesnr
Wed Jul 18, 2018 3:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: We planted a rose v2
Replies: 13
Views: 1874

We planted a rose v2

The Rose and the Turf Mum; we planted a rose above your grave, a white one, pale as your life. For Dad we reserved the next door plot but life had left a rift too deep. He decreed that his ashes be scattered in the grounds of his church. Only ashes aren’t scattered, they lift a turf and spread them ...
by oggiesnr
Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:04 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Seal Interlude
Replies: 7
Views: 1653

Re: Seal Interlude

I found it really difficult to get into this one. Once there I found much to enjoy. The one line that grated with me was - "At Donna Nook the seals harped" . Couple of reasons, the allusion seems really forced and the seals at Donna Nook are grey seals, not harp seals. Okay I accept thatthat last po...
by oggiesnr
Sun Feb 04, 2018 10:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Final Mountain - 2nd Revision
Replies: 13
Views: 2324

Re: The Final Mountain - 2nd Revision

Thank you to everyone who has commented on this. Some of you comments I've taken on board, some I haven't but I have considered all of them and I am grateful for your input. Looking back through the versions (and those that I haven't posted here) I think that this is a better poem now than it was wh...
by oggiesnr
Sat Feb 03, 2018 4:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Final Mountain - 2nd Revision
Replies: 13
Views: 2324

Re: The Final Mountain - 1st Revision

Thanks for the crit Joao.

I like a number of your points which may wel get reflected in the next rewrite.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Thu Jan 25, 2018 10:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Looking Out the Kitchen Window (revision 2)
Replies: 29
Views: 4257

Re: Looking Out the Kitchen Window (revision 2)

Interesting because I come to the Wren (the King of the Birds which is another tale) from the folk tradition where it is the symbol of winter rather than summer. Traditionally the wren was hunted on St Stephen's Day (aka Boxing Day) which puts a different spin on it.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Thu Jan 25, 2018 10:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Half a Person
Replies: 8
Views: 1748

Re: Half a Person

Hi,

Not sure I get the opening allusion either but if you're going there I'd be tempted to make it rhyme so l2 could read "... on an unsuspecting head".

Steve
by oggiesnr
Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Final Mountain - 2nd Revision
Replies: 13
Views: 2324

Re: The Final Mountain - 1st Revision

Thanks JJ. This one is currently meandering it's way to another rewrite so I've added your thoughta into the mix.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Sun Jan 21, 2018 10:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Final Mountain - 2nd Revision
Replies: 13
Views: 2324

Re: The Final Mountain

Jackie wrote:
His friends found him lying against the rocks, facing the dawn.
Powerful.
Jackie
Given that comment I've had a major hack at the poem to reflect it. I find it is a problem for me that when a poem gets too close to home I often duck the issue.

Steve