Search found 367 matches

by oggiesnr
Fri Oct 05, 2018 8:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Trawlermen
Replies: 16
Views: 1342

Re: The Trawlermen

Hi Ross, I'm from Hull, I've found the episode of Trawlermen that I think you've based this on. Peterhead is very different from Hull, different traditions and fishing areas. I'll watch the program in the next few days and give you my feedback then. My big problem is that a Hull trawlerman would not...
by oggiesnr
Thu Oct 04, 2018 9:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Trawlermen
Replies: 16
Views: 1342

Re: The Trawlermen

I like it as a poem, I have a couple of factual quibbles with it but they don't detract from the sense of the poem.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Fri Aug 17, 2018 9:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Jukebox
Replies: 11
Views: 700

Re: Jukebox

I actually like the use of "Kell". It summons up a very specific 1960/70's pub where one was a regular and so you knew the name of the barmaid and you knew what was on the jukebox (and how rarely it was updated). If you were "evil" you also knew what was most likey to p**s off the bloke at the other...
by oggiesnr
Thu Aug 16, 2018 10:20 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Call Me
Replies: 13
Views: 2246

Re: Call Me

Hi Jackie. I enjoyed this very much however I have a couple of observations. The off the wall one first. I mentally replaced "Call me ..." with "Come to me ..." (or even "Come for me ..") in the opening of each verse. Makes it a different poem but works quite well but obviously not where you were go...
by oggiesnr
Sat Aug 04, 2018 6:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Woodpile
Replies: 3
Views: 499

Re: Woodpile

As a story I love this. I could hear it being told, with diversions hither and thither, ay any of the storytelling sessions I go to. As a poem I am less convinced, I've fallen into the same trap myself of telling a story in a poem-like form but not really writing a poem and that's how it appears to ...
by oggiesnr
Sun Jul 29, 2018 5:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: We planted a rose v2
Replies: 13
Views: 1063

Re: We planted a rose v2

Thanks David.

Agreement amongst poets? Never!

I'm still unsure as to where to take this one, I think I'm going to let it moulder for a bit.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Fri Jul 27, 2018 3:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: We planted a rose v2
Replies: 13
Views: 1063

Re: We planted a rose v2

Thanks Not,

On reflection I think I agree with you so back to the thinking board. The one change that will stay is the deletion of the original last line.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Wed Jul 25, 2018 6:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: We planted a rose v2
Replies: 13
Views: 1063

Re: We planted a rose v2

The next version is now up complete with a change of title. I'll happily accept any better suggestions fo it.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Tue Jul 24, 2018 2:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: We planted a rose v2
Replies: 13
Views: 1063

Re: We planted a rose.

Thank you Jackie and JJ for your crits. I have a new version in the works which I'll post shortly which reflects the comments that everyone has made.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Sun Jul 22, 2018 8:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: We planted a rose v2
Replies: 13
Views: 1063

Re: We planted a rose.

Thanks for the crit. I agree about the last stanza, it's the one I've thought hardest about. When they were both alive mum was bed bound (another story) and dad had the active social life. In death he seems sterile and she is the one blooming and attracting life to the cemetry (please note, not the ...
by oggiesnr
Sat Jul 21, 2018 6:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: We planted a rose v2
Replies: 13
Views: 1063

Re: We planted a rose.

I like this, Steve. (It is Steve, isn't it?) Some of the details seem to be known to the poet without making it across to the reader, but that doesn't seem like a major inconvenience. In fact I think the poem works pretty well. Thanks for the crit David. This one was a midbight poem and I've not wo...
by oggiesnr
Wed Jul 18, 2018 3:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: We planted a rose v2
Replies: 13
Views: 1063

We planted a rose v2

The Rose and the Turf Mum; we planted a rose above your grave, a white one, pale as your life. For Dad we reserved the next door plot but life had left a rift too deep. He decreed that his ashes be scattered in the grounds of his church. Only ashes aren’t scattered, they lift a turf and spread them ...
by oggiesnr
Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:04 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Seal Interlude
Replies: 7
Views: 1105

Re: Seal Interlude

I found it really difficult to get into this one. Once there I found much to enjoy. The one line that grated with me was - "At Donna Nook the seals harped" . Couple of reasons, the allusion seems really forced and the seals at Donna Nook are grey seals, not harp seals. Okay I accept thatthat last po...
by oggiesnr
Sun Feb 04, 2018 10:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Final Mountain - 2nd Revision
Replies: 13
Views: 1512

Re: The Final Mountain - 2nd Revision

Thank you to everyone who has commented on this. Some of you comments I've taken on board, some I haven't but I have considered all of them and I am grateful for your input. Looking back through the versions (and those that I haven't posted here) I think that this is a better poem now than it was wh...
by oggiesnr
Sat Feb 03, 2018 4:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Final Mountain - 2nd Revision
Replies: 13
Views: 1512

Re: The Final Mountain - 1st Revision

Thanks for the crit Joao.

I like a number of your points which may wel get reflected in the next rewrite.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Thu Jan 25, 2018 10:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Looking Out the Kitchen Window (revision 2)
Replies: 29
Views: 2757

Re: Looking Out the Kitchen Window (revision 2)

Interesting because I come to the Wren (the King of the Birds which is another tale) from the folk tradition where it is the symbol of winter rather than summer. Traditionally the wren was hunted on St Stephen's Day (aka Boxing Day) which puts a different spin on it.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Thu Jan 25, 2018 10:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Half a Person
Replies: 8
Views: 1164

Re: Half a Person

Hi,

Not sure I get the opening allusion either but if you're going there I'd be tempted to make it rhyme so l2 could read "... on an unsuspecting head".

Steve
by oggiesnr
Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Final Mountain - 2nd Revision
Replies: 13
Views: 1512

Re: The Final Mountain - 1st Revision

Thanks JJ. This one is currently meandering it's way to another rewrite so I've added your thoughta into the mix.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Sun Jan 21, 2018 10:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Final Mountain - 2nd Revision
Replies: 13
Views: 1512

Re: The Final Mountain

Jackie wrote:
His friends found him lying against the rocks, facing the dawn.
Powerful.
Jackie
Given that comment I've had a major hack at the poem to reflect it. I find it is a problem for me that when a poem gets too close to home I often duck the issue.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Tue Jan 16, 2018 10:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Passing Out (revision2)
Replies: 14
Views: 1431

Re: Passing Out (revision)

I come from Lincolnshire, in those days a land of RAF bases, RAF Cranwell (just up the Cliff from our village), passing out parades and the Forces as a way out from a life on the farm. A world beyond the bus to school and the nearest market town. This speaks to the growing up of the village lads and...
by oggiesnr
Sun Jan 14, 2018 10:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Final Mountain - 2nd Revision
Replies: 13
Views: 1512

Re: The Final Mountain

Thanks for the read and crit Jackie. I have thought about changing it to first person but it doesn't work for me, yet. When it does it will be Kinder Downfall. However I knew the protaganist of this poem and it's taken a long time for me to write it. His friends found him lying against the rocks, fa...
by oggiesnr
Sat Jan 13, 2018 8:40 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Final Mountain - 2nd Revision
Replies: 13
Views: 1512

Re: The Final Mountain

Thanks for the read Ft. I've added your comment (which I think I agree with) into the mix for the re-write.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Sat Jan 06, 2018 4:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Moel Hebog (v3)
Replies: 11
Views: 991

Re: Hebog - my mother in-law's favourite mountain (v2)

I like it but again I prefer the first version. I think because it mentions the bog it gives context to the slog and the firmer footing.

Steve
by oggiesnr
Sun Dec 31, 2017 8:17 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Final Mountain - 2nd Revision
Replies: 13
Views: 1512

Re: The Final Mountain

Thanks for the read Luce. I've taken on board your notes and will add them into the mix.

The stumbling and the hands were a hark back to how my father was with his Parkinson's (no he isn't the object of the poem) when his gait went and his hands trembled.

Steve.
by oggiesnr
Sat Dec 30, 2017 1:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Time to Remember
Replies: 13
Views: 1043

Re: A Time to Remember

Verse three is wonderful!

I may be reading too much into it but it immediately called to mind "The Holly and the Ivy" with it's continuation of the Christmas story into the Easter one and from there into the soldiers playing dice for Christ's possessions.

Great stuff